Should we?

[JnA]

Hi all

I never really wanted children, but when I reached the big 3-0 I suddenly had the desire (tick, tick, tick, tick ;) ) It took me almost three years to actually go for it and now we have a beautiful three month old, whom I love more than anything.
Now I think I would like another, both as a companion for Jade and because, hey, we have another room ;).

So what's stopping me? Firstly, Jade was concieved through IVF (ICSI) and the whole treatment really took a toll on me, I remember how sick I was both through the treatment and while I was pg. I wonder how I am going to cope with that and look after Jade.
Secondly, the reason we had to use IVF is that my partner is a quadriplegic, and therefore can't help out as much as he would like. (pretty much all he can do is hold the baby on his lap and zoom around the house with her) I am a little worried about how I would cope. (I have to care for him as well, though we have *some* help with that)
and thirdly, I am very worried about having twins: because of the lack of an extra set of hands and... three children :eek: .. well, that just leaves me speechless.

Mums with two (or more) kids, how hard is it the second time around? How do you split your time between all your responsibilities? Can you have it all? And what would you choose in my situation?

Love to hear your advice / opinions... thanks.

[BecH]

Hi Jaderocks,

I am thinking about similair issues. My daughter is 3 months and concieved naturally but my husband had Leukaemia at the time and treatment may have made him sterile so the next attempt would be IVF and because he has had a transplant he is exhausted all the time and can do very little except sleep and watch TV.
I think you would probably regret not trying again but you should organise an excellent support network, and perhaps look for a good centre that you might be able to put both children in once or twice a week to give yourself a break (if they can't go to family). Ultimately it is up to you though.

All the best,

Bec

[tickle]

Hi there,
I can't really give you any advice re having 2 kids (my second isn't born yet!), but I know it is a huge decision, especially with all of those things to consider.
We always knew we would have 2 but it was a matter of when would be the best time considering our circumstances.
When it came down to it for me, I knew I would regret it if I didn't do what felt right for my DS and for us. Obviously there are many other influences to consider but I just thought, we will deal with what ever comes our way because I knew that I wanted it for our family. Does that make sense. Sorry!
Deep down if you really want a second child and there is no doubt about it, I think that in the end everything will sort it's self out. I'm am absolutely sure it would be extremely hard but also very worth it!!
Gees, I'm really rambling now.
Basically I guess it comes down to doing what is right for you and your family. :)

[draught]

I agree with Olivers mum - it comes down to what you want. If you don't will you live with regrets? If you do, do you have support?
I have two and a husband who is very absent because of his work. That was a choice we made - he took the promotion with all the travel as it meant we could afford for me to work part time and have about a year home with each of the girls when they were born. Juggling two on your own can be really tough and there are days when I don't cope particularly well. But the majority of the time it is fine - they grow so fast too that they become more and more independant all the time (much to my sadness in some ways :o )

I can't help with the IVF - I had assisted fertility for dd1 which wasn't as invasive as IVF but wasn't fun either, but then dd2 was an accident so I didn't need to go through it all again.

At the end of the day you are obviously a pretty strong woman - but only you can decide if you have enough strength to do it again. (I think you will be fine from what I can judge from your internet persona :D )

Good luck with the decision making!

[Melissa1983]

Hi
I agree with the other ladies its up to you. I have 12months between my two girls and it is hard work. My DH is in the Navy so when he goes away its just me and the girls, and i stuff PND so i really feel it.

But my friend is going to have 18 months between her two and they planned it like that. And she is coping well.

[HoopDeeDoo]

Hi there i agree with the other mummas. You sound like you deal with quite a bit already whats one thing more going to hurt? :p

Seriously though being a parent is one of the tuffest jobs but well worth it. In the end you'll know deep down whats right for your family.

I don't have the added stress that you do but we planned for our two and there will be 19 months between them once this one comes along. Who knows how i'm gonna cope?
But we will because thats what you do, roll with the punches, go with the flow and deal with what life gives you. :D

Good luck whatever you decide :)

[whatwasithinking]

I don't know if this will help but Follow your heart and you will have made the right decision - that is all I can give you as I can't imagine what it is like in your position.

Doesn't matter how many children you have it's still tough.

Good luck, hugs to you and take care of yourself :)

[Peaceangels]

It's a tough one Jaderocks, I feel for you, but follow your heart ..... ((HUGS))
We too took several years, a couple of failed IUI attempts, then fell naturally with #1 on hol's. So, #2 was a complete (wonderful) surprise (fell pg while b/f #1 who was 6mths old at the time).

I will be honest with you, in the beginning it was very hard (age difference is only 14mths), so you do need to rely on the support of others during those first couple of months (maybe discuss this with those close to you once you decide).

When they hit the 6mth mark or start on solids, things start to get a little easier. My two now are great mates, play well together and basically don't know life without each other there.

Splitting time between responsibilities is very hard, so it is best to be prepared that some "responsibilities" may go by the wayside for a couple of months, a good support network is priceless (suggest people don't buy gifts when bub is born, but cook you the odd meal) One of the best gift's I received when #2 was born - DH's family all put in an got me cleaning lady for 3 months - she came fortnightly - bliss!

A strict routine really helps, boring for you, but the kids thrive on it and always know what to expect next. It is also really important to try and spend some one on one time with your eldest child.

Best of luck with whatever your choice may be!

[JnA]

Thanks for your thoughts.. and hugs (we like those :))

DP and I discussed it last night and he said that he didn't even expect to have one after his accident, so he is already one better than he thought he would be. "If you want more," he said, "have more, if you don't we are set. " So I guess he is leaving the decision up to me.

An only child doesn't worry me as such, but there was four years between my sister and me and we were not close as kids... I guess for Jade, I would like another, but I don't want to leave too big a gap.

SO much to think about.. and the clock is ticking...

[pegasus]

Hi Jaderocks

I agree with all the others - it's a personal thing, but the age difference is a big thing. I remember thinking always that we'd have two (mum's an only child and she told me that she would've liked a brother or sister, she may have been jealous of my sister and I who are 2 years apart and as close as anything. My dad's ten years older than his brother and they're quite distant. Once I had my first, I thought - maybe I don't want another as I want to give so much to DS and don't want to have him miss out on mummy time while I'm with new bub.

But as you can see, we decided that we should have our second and we're over the moon. (*fingers crossed he/she sticks*) They'll be 27months apart and we're happy with that. (We'll just be starting to toilet train one when the new nappies arrive! LOL)

With regards to your complicating issues only you know how hard/easy it currently is for you and guess how it could be. My girlfriend's hubby had cancer 6years ago and they are due for bub #1 soon. She told me this is one and only as the IVF was such an ordeal (We'll see when junior appears ;) ) As for the amount your hubby can help out - it's the first few years when the hardwork is physical - down the track it's more emotional and mental hard work - he'll be able to do more than his fair share then. :)