huge vent.

[mama kare]

i need someplace to vent.
my mind is driving me crazy and i really need to get it out.

i feel horrible.
about my appearance.
about my lack of mothering and above all,
about my caring for the above.

i feel so insane, all i want to do is cry.
but do you think i can?
the medication stops me being so emotional.
i cant cry a tear.

im so frustrated i could scream.
but do you think i can?
if i scream DP will truly see how insane i am becoming, stuck in this mind, in this cold and lonely mind of mine.

i can't have a drink to unwind because im a mother and DP wants a good role model for DD.

i can't smoke much because DP doesnt like it and he keeps reminding me about DD and it makes me feel even guiltier.

i can't escape for more than a few hours here and there because im a mother now and i have to let 3/4 of my independance go.

if i cut my hair to try and become a different person, a new, fresh, beautiful person, i am more disappointed when i look in the mirror afterwards.

i do pregnancy tests almost every month because im paranoid of falling pregnant again..

im riddled with guilt.
im riddled with paranoia that DP will leave me stranded, that DD will remember all of these things and i am terrified..

i am terrified because i have completely lost sight of who i once was.. just another lost ship out at sea.

im sorry. i really needed to get this out. here is a poem a friend of mine wrote. it matches my feelings completely.

"This Ship Is Me" words by Trudy Rowe.
The ship is a ghost it is slinking across the very surface of the sea,
Sliding, like a spy of the night.
The ship is a bird, floating asleep on the waters edge,
The ship is me.

The ship is me.
The ship takes its soul and examines it in the deeper waters, alone and sublime,
Seeking utmost truth of the world, seeking future knowledge and
Ancient wisdom.
The ship dreams of sands far away, along the Niles’ bank

It recollects words and thoughts and programs its mind to view in light and dark, colour and shadows.
The ship is a vessel of purity in vision, of blue light and white walls.
The ship slips away unnoticed and its million handed friend the water
Traces its path and carries the burden of its soul.

The ship longs for earthly delights but has been exiled to the blue…
The ship isn’t in space and time but in essence and desires
Its history is long and detailed but the ship let it go,
The ship took a retreat and the ship is carefree…
The ship is me.

[Shanaynay]

Oh Kare......

.....I could have written exactly what you wrote about 2 months ago.
I was so flat emotionally.......I felt like bursting into tears, I NEEDED to cry.... but I couldn't. I looked so calm on the outside, but inside I just wanted to scream. But I just couldn't let it out.
It built up after a while and I ended up having a good cry :) (But then of course the fun of see-sawing emotions came back :rolleyes: )

You need to unwind....even if it means a drink. Could you chat to DP about having a drink or two together after DD is asleep and in bed in the evenings?
And about your DP... you are afraid of him leaving... is this just paranoia, or is it a possibility? Or you don't know? Could you have a good talk with him?
I hate to say this, but you know I mean no offence, as I'm in the same boat... but you aren't well. You aren't going to magically fixed one day (I hope and pray we both will one day, but I have a feeling it's going to be a long hard road for both of us :gloomy: ), so anyway... you need to acknowledge that this is hard on him too... and you need to know where you stand. Is he going to stick by you, and support you, through the worst of all this? Or will it all be too much for him?
I haven't had this talk with my DH yet... I need to - I can't pretend that soon it's all going to be better and that I'll be fine for the rest of my life... this is hard on our partners too...
I hope that makes sense and you know what I mean.

I have the same fears... I don't want my DD's to remember some of my moments :thumbsdown:

You sounds like you could do with a break... is there anyway you can organise with DP for you to have a few days away by yourself?

ETA: Am I following you around tonite or what?! lol

[mama kare]

quick reply as DD needs dinner FAST! (we all know that feeling right?!)

im taking 3 medications at the moment, 1 for PND, 1 for anxiety and 1 for the paranoia...

hopefully that will soon change once i visit the pychiatrist.. im hoping he could prescribe only 1 medication for me that will do all these things instead of taking 3 different meds all the time.

have been to one councillor last year, though she was no good :laughing: sorry.. that sounds so funny when i think about it! i'll write more soonish, maybe tomorrow.

but i just have to say.. i am really suprised at how much lighter my mood is since i got this all out.. feels fantastic to let go sometimes!

sorry if it burdened anyone.. i just had to type it - simply because i couldn't shout it :yes:

[Blessed Mum]

many many :hugs: I hope you feel better about things soon :hugs:

[sunnygirls]

Kare, do you want to meet up one day? I'm on the Sunny Coast in Buderim maybe we could meet half way. Excuse my ignorance but I have no idea how far away Ipswich is! PM me!

It really helps to be around people who understand you and your PND. Like I have recently said I have just chucked all those people who are not supportive in my life in the "dead box" never to be retrieved.

At the beginning of my PND I did and said some horrible things to my children (nothing violent) which I am ashamed of but they don't seem to remember. I just couldn't control myself.

We are all here for you and having a vent is the best way to get it out - I think even better than going to a counsellor.

Take care please

Lots and lots of :hugs: and :kiss:

Sunnyxx

[Carmel Jane]

Mama Kare - i feel exactly the same... a ship lost at sea... i don't even recognise myself in the mirror anymore... i never thought such a 'wonderful thing' could feel so horrible...

best wishes sent your way

xxoo

[neeky]

oh kare! You can talk to me anytime! You have my number and my msn! Feel free to let it all out on me ok! Thats what I'm here for!
We really need to get our acts together and meet up SOON! So just let me know a day and time and I will make sure i have it free!
And dont forget to go see those people i told you about. Can't hurt right?
:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs: for you. Dont forget you can call me of msg me anytime ok!