In desperate need of help

[Debbieanne]

I have a 18 month old gorgeous little boy and a newborn baby who was born on the 3rd of November.

My problem is that my 18 month old has never slept through the night we rock him to sleep and the put him in his toddler bed which is right beside our bed and then he will wake every 40 minutes to 2 hours to be comforted he will not have a dummy but will suck on my thumb or my husbands then will go back to sleep when we can take our thumbs back and then he will wake again.

I feel embarressed that he sucks our fingers, and have been told to let him cry etc.

I cannot bare to listen to him cry it breaks my heart.

I am feeling pretty low and just really need my sleep my husband will look after Benjamin (18months) all night and I atttend to my newborn Justin all night, he feeds every two hours.

I really don't know what to do, I am also scared about when my husband goes back to work in a week and a half about how I am going to cope on my own...

I am sure it will get better but I would love some advice.

Thanks

Debbie-Anne

[Bonnie77]

Hi Debbie-anne,

Firstly, congrats on the new addition! Life is so much more exciting (and frustrating) with two!

Benjamin must be feeling a bit funny at the moment with Justin's arrival and all the excitement going on. The last thing you want to do is make him feel alienated by cutting him off from your comfort.

However he really needs to learn how to settle himself. Have you got a bedtime routine for Benjamin? Something like bath, bottle, book, bed? Do you ever put him down when he is almost asleep? Has he got a favourite toy he can cuddle?

Has he always been in your room? Its probably easier for you guys but some bubs wake up more when the parents are in the room.

We did controlled crying with Hayden at about 6 months, which worked for us but the crying didn't bother me. It only took three days. Also when he was about 20 mths we made a big deal about him moving into his big bed and decorated his room and after about two weeks of talking about it he couldn't wait to be a 'big boy'.

If all else fails, let the house go and sleep when the boys do!
Hope you can get some sleep soon.

[the_queen]

Hi Debbie-Ann,

congratulations on the new bubby! Sounds like you and Benjamin both need some reassurance :) I'm pregnant with my 2nd child right now, so I don't know if my advice can be of much help to you - I just wanted to let you know that there's heaps of support to be found here on bubhub (as I'm sure you've found out already!). If I can't help you, there will definately be someone here who can!

Benjamin's thumb-sucking.... hmmm that is a tricky one! My DD still has a dummy at night-time, and every time we've tried to get rid of it, she has literally grieved for it, and cried every night for weeks and weeks. People told me that "it will only take a night or two and she'll forget it" but she is so attached to it, that I'm having real problems encouraging her to give it up. But I read a new technique last week, and I'm trying it - so far it seems to be working! I'm not sure if this will work with Benjamin, but it's worth a try, right? When I give Vallerie her dummy, I also give her "Socky", a little knitted mouse. She only gets the dummy when she's also got Socky. The idea is to "transfer" the attachment to Socky, so eventually she will ask for Socky instead of the dummy. During the day, I have banned the dummy and if she says she needs dummy because she's sad/tired, I give her Socky and a cuddle instead. She is 4 y.o though, so she's a bit older than Benjamin, so I don't know if this technique would work with him. But like I said, it's worth a try!

As far as controlled crying - don't let anyone tell you that it's a good idea. It's a horrible idea. Someone told me this analogy - if you had a need, be it emotional or physical, and you desperately needed your husband to talk to, how would you feel if he put you into another room and ignored you until you stopped asking for help? Eventually, you'd stop asking for his help - and eventually CC babies do stop crying so much, because they figure "oh well, nobody's going to come and help me so I may as well give up". I know what it's like to be sleep-deprived, and I know that feeling of "i'll do anything, i just need to sleep" but please look at all other options before you even think about controlled crying.
No offense to Bonnie77, but controlled crying is not part of Attachment Parenting. I think we look to AP because we see that "mainstream parenting" doesn't make much sense. How can anyone say their 6-month-old's crying doesn't bother them???

[JanetF]

Hugs to you, what a lot of changes! How lucky are your babies that you keep them close and don't stop parenting just because it's sleepy time! You're right to not want your children to cry. Nothing destroys their mental health more than leaving a child to cry. But in practical terms, what can you do?

If your older child is ok being with daddy, maybe him and daddy can share a bed for a while as you feed your newborn overnight? I'm hoping my 2 year old will be able to share with daddy when our next child arrives but atm there's no way he'd consent to that. Once dh gets up for work, the older child can climb into bed with you and Justin until it's time to get up. Elizabeth Pantley's "No Cry Sleep Solution" might have some ideas of you too for your older (but still oh so young!) child. Also make sure you all have a sleep together in the day time to catch up just a wee bit.

Try these for some reassurance and ideas.
http://askdrsears.com/html/7/T071000.asp
http://askdrsears.com/html/7/T070300.asp
http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth/

Let us know how you go! Remember these early times only last a few short months so the more support you can get for other things such as housework, cooking, cleaning or whatever the more you can concentrate on just feeding and loving!

[WeThree]

Hi :) (((HUGS))) to you, you must be soooo tired!

whilst i dont like cc, i firmly believe that the gift of sleep, and being able to sleep well and for long periods of time, is one of the greatest gifts we can give our little ones, their little developing bodies need it so much, it is not good for them emotionally or physically to be having fitful, short sleep, anyway so what to do about it!!?? i dont leave my children to cry, however i have (after learning my lesson from 1st son) always put the youngest 2 in their cot/my bed whatever whilst they are still awake, became very good at reading their tired signs :), not when they were really little of course (breast or cuddles to go to sleep :) ) this way they have learnt to put themselves to sleep. if they do cry i know they are not ready yet, and i pick them back up for a while, Cooper climbs in to bed with us whenever he feels like, but i dont mind because he can get himself to sleep at the begining of the night or when he climbs in with us.
hopefully someone out there has some gentle techniques for getting an older child to sleep better?? i hope so, because you and your lovely little boy will feel sooo much better for it (remember in the mean time us bubhub girls are here if you need to vent :) )

[lediva]

I'm not sure that I can help a gr8 deal either but - I too have an 11mth old who still doesn't sleep through the night either!!
She will wake up usually twice a night or maybe 3. Cara (my DD) does have her own room though and shes been in there since she was about 3mths old. I found that by having her in our room she would toss and turn and grumblea little and it would keep me up!
I keep hoping too that she will just start sleeping through one night and keep on continuing:-)
But I am waiting for her cue, when she's ready she'll let us know.
I know this isn't as tiring as your situation and I wish I could offer some advice.
Is he having a satisfying 'feed' before he goes down to bed?
I found that if my bub didn't have enough that she would just keep waking up! So if she wakes shortly after having her bottle I will give her more and then when she is placed back into bed that seems to settle her for awhile...
And The_queen ---- I agree with you on the issue of cc!!
I tried it for one day and absolutely hated it - in fact I cried myself and told my partner that night, No More!!
When my baby cries I want her to know I am listening and will comfort her.

[pickles]

This may be of little use to you. obviously he enjoys both the comfort of having you close and something relatively large and solid to suck. I would keephim with you and try and find something ( toy / novelty item ) that basically resembles what it would be like to suck on your finger. slowly over a few nights as he starts to fall asleep offer the object in place of your finger. If he wakes you can reasure him that you are still there. only a thought but perhaps a little less unsettling that having to go cold turkey.
Good luck
pickles
DD 02/03
DS 03/05

[pickles]

This may be of little use to you. obviously he enjoys both the comfort of having you close and something relatively large and solid to suck. I would keephim with you and try and find something ( toy / novelty item ) that basically resembles what it would be like to suck on your finger. slowly over a few nights as he starts to fall asleep offer the object in place of your finger. If he wakes you can reasure him that you are still there. only a thought but perhaps a little less unsettling that having to go cold turkey.
Good luck
pickles
DD 02/03
DS 03/05

[mummybeast]

Congrats on your new boy! Don't know if this will be much help but ...
I firmly believe in AP but unfortunately dh does not ( too much influence from the "experts" who seem to know everything (funny how many of them don't have kids ... )).

We found it useful to set up a bedtime ritual, of dinner& cuddles, b/f & cuddles, warm bath&cuddles, more b/f & cuddles, story&cuddles, bed.

However, our second girl frequently still woke during the night several times, and always wanted to be cuddled back to sleep and if I put her down while she was awake she would yell her head off, or climb out of the cot and come & get into bed with me. This went on until age 3. We ended up having to buy a bigger bed so we could all fit without squishing! ;)

It was not that I particularly wanted to not be with her, but she snores and hogs the bed! So I ended up gently training her out of this habit by basically boring her to sleep by singing to her and letting her hold my hand with a stuffed toy in it until she drifted off. Then I could get my hand out and she would have the toy to dream with. Within about a week, she settled and learned to grab for the toy before getting out of bed to come & find me.

I can really sympathise with you being unsure of what is going to happen after your hubby goes back to work. Do you have anyone who can help you out with the basic stuff like the housework / washing / shopping ?