i never thought i'd be over here...

[alicesmum]

i just wanted to have a little vent and moan. DH and I are officially separated and i really think it just ain't gonna work. he moved out Monday. things have been pretty tense since #2 arrived and after 6.5 years of marraige it seems DH and I are just really unsuited.

this is such a hard time. i feel so crapulous. i looked at all the photos of alice and him and me before and it made me so sad - so sad - to think of all the times to come when there might have been family shots (xmas, birthdays etc), but there won't be any more. there will be no (nuclear) family memories for our two munchkins, as they are only 2 yrs 5 months and 7 months, so both too young to remember these times.

but at least they will get a more relaxed and less conflicted upbringing.

i think i will need the support of some of you single mummies over the coming months. i just never thought i'd be here, but here I am, and I have no idea what comes next...........

[Refresh]

Hey Rachel,

I'm not a single mummy so maybe I shouldnt be posting here but I just wanted to give you :hugs: ...I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I really hope you find the support you need:hugs:

[Pobblebonk]

Time. Take each day one at a time.

Things WILL get easier and as all the tenseness and stress of it all leaves your body and you begin to relax, you'll start to smile again.

So you've got nothing but GREAT times to look forward to.

Hugs coming your way.

[Ana Gram]

I know what you mean. But I think as sad as it is that our kids won't have mummy + daddy happy family, at least everyone has a chance to pursue happiness.

[reAllytee]

Oh hun :hugs:
Ive been wondering where you have been of late we have certainly missed you !
Cant believe you have been going through this alone !!! Remember we are all here if you need us !!!!

I agree with Chelle.
Yes while its sad to close this chapter the fact is things will be better because not only will both mummy & daddy be truly happy but both your munchkins will be too as they will see their parents happiness.
Going to use a Dr Phil quote that i believe is true :
" Kids are better being from a broken home than living in a broken home "
I think thats very true because it will only make them unhappy & thats too much stress to put onto them.

[mum2anthony]

Going to use a Dr Phil quote that i believe is true :
" Kids are better being from a broken home than living in a broken home "


I agree... Your children are far better off living with one HAPPY parent than two unhappy parents that are only together for their children.

My mum and dad split up when I was three and really, I didn't know any different as I was too young to understand...

You have some challenging times ahead but be strong hold your head up high and cherish every moment with your children... They are your life now. :)

And it's better off you decide you aren't suited than 20 years down the track...

Good Luck Darl!!! :hugs:

[little mermaid]

:hugs: :hugs: Hope things work out for you. It is so much better for you to be happy than the kids will be happy too.

[Mum2Bug]

Aww first of all :hugs: :hugs: .

The most important thing here is are you and the kids going to be happy? If the answer is yes, then you will eventually get through this.

Im a great believer in taking your time to grieve though. Within relationships and marriages are hopes and dreams for the future. These are lost when a relationship breaks down and you should take the time to grieve for these, as your future as you pictured, is no longer, and that is a very big thing in your life.

I hope you can work it out together, but in the event that the split becomes permanent, we are all here to support you, as we do each other.

[oleander]

Im so sorry to hear about your split. I found the best way to help yourself move on is to not think about "what if" and look at the old happy snaps. Try to focus on yours and your childrens future which may seem really bad right now but with time you will be on top of the world.

You've come to the right place for support. All the single mummies here are fantastic!:yes:

All the very best to you:hugs:

[Daddy2Angels]

ummm I am not a mum and I am not single, but I just wanted to say break up sucks and I hope something nice happens for you and your children :thumbsup:

[rynosmum]

I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. I didn't realise and it can't be an easy time for you.

It sounds like you're quite realistic about the reasons for the split though which should only make it easier for your precious bubbas.

Sorry, I probably shouldn't be posting here either but I saw your thread and just wanted to give you some of these :hugs:

[xkwzit]

Well I'm not a single mummy either - so I'll post just to give you some big :hugs:. I'm really sorry that things have gone this way, but I know that you've done a whole lot of work to get here and you have made the hard (but right) decision.

I think it's important to grieve for the loss of the relationship that you thought you had, but so wise of you to know what is best for you all.

[Duchessa]

oh alicesmum - I'm so sad to hear your position but you sound like you really know that you have done the right thing... Let yourself grieve. I hope you get through it and can get into enjoying parenting your beautiful children without conflict. xx

[draught]

Rach
So sorry to hear that news. If you need coffee, play dates, an escape etc, let me know!
T

[Chanelc]

Sending you lots of HUGS!

I don't think anyone expects to be here and that is what makes it hard.

Just be gentle on yourself and never hestitate to reach out and remember you are not alone on this journey (each similar but different)

The best thing is there is always someone to listen on bubhub.. and you can PM me anytime.

[Bron]

Rach. Again, not a single mum, but a friend who wants to give you a hug :hugs:

I'm sorry to hear your news. You are clearly approaching all of this with a lot of honestly, which is helpful for you and your little ones.

Take the time to grieve the relationship, it is a loss, and it needs to be resolved for you.

:hugs:

[alicesmum]

oh thank you everyone! i didn't think there would be many replies so i am very touched!!!

it is definitely not going to be resolved (ie., get back together) unless he has a serious attitude shift and stops blaming me for each and all of our problems and conflicts.

he is a very intelligent, charming, and commanding person (lawyer, what can I say!!!) but he also has little capacity for seeing the world from another's perspective, is very paranoid (he called the cops and child services on me last tuesday for leaving alice in the car to sleep for 10 minutes in my mother's internal garage with the windows all down, 3 m from where we were sitting (kitchen) with one of us checking on her every minute or 2. we both felt she was at NO safety risk, but ok, maybe he feels uncomfortable about it. but after agreeing and telling him it would never happen ever again if he felt concerned about it, this is what he did:

- swore and abused me, and called me awful awful things, all in front of the children,
- pulled the handbrake up while i was driving our family along a motorway
- threw all our bags and the children's things (pram, cot, baby seats etc - we had been on holiday at the beach) onto the driveway and front lawn
- and then left me to deal with two screaming kids and a lawn full of stuff and a car without car seats fitted
- then phoned the authorities and painted a picture of me as a 'bad mother'

you get the idea. i am sure you agree that his reaction is way way OTT and not normal.

a storm has been a-brewing since we had children, esp since henry, and i always tried harder and harder to 'make it work'. he has been unwilling to see a counsellor because "it's all my fault" and "if only I would change everything woudl be ok". i still felt i needed to try and hope for the best and show compassion and all that stuff, but after he behaviour i just described, he has made it easy for me to be resolute about its being OVER!!!

thanks for listening.

i am terrified of the months to come (making child access arrangments, settlements etc as I know he will be a bully with a capital B). but i can now look forward to a future where I can be myself, and relax about being who I am. and maybe someday I will meet someone who loves and accepts me for me with all my eccentric ways :D

[draught]

. i am sure you agree that his reaction is way way OTT and not normal.



Yes - it is!
(You'll notice that I am leaving the lawyer comments well alone:D )

Well done for being strong and standing up for who you and your children are. Let me know if you need anything - you deserve to be treated much better than that and I am happy to remind you of it as often as you like!

[Kassiasmum]

Hi Rach,
Just emailed you and sending you heaps of hugs for you and Alice and Henry
Tracey

[alicesmum]

you are of the friendly variety T!

[*munchkin*]

Firstly, lots of :hugs: for you. All of us here know how hard it is to decide to be, and to accept being, a single mum. It takes alot of strength and determination to make the decision you have made. Your kids are lucky to have you as their mummy.

It's entirely normal to grieve for what might have been. The prospect of single parenthood can be daunting. But once you have grieved, you will then accept your situation. And after you accept it, you will embrace it, and enjoy it, and realise how much happier you and your kids are away from your DP's waaaaay OTT behaviour.

Hang in there...it really does get easier as each day goes by. We're all here if you need us!

[mum2anthony]

Firstly, lots of :hugs: for you. All of us here know how hard it is to decide to be, and to accept being, a single mum. It takes alot of strength and determination to make the decision you have made. Your kids are lucky to have you as their mummy.

It's entirely normal to grieve for what might have been. The prospect of single parenthood can be daunting. But once you have grieved, you will then accept your situation. And after you accept it, you will embrace it, and enjoy it, and realise how much happier you and your kids are away from your DP's waaaaay OTT behaviour.

Hang in there...it really does get easier as each day goes by. We're all here if you need us!

I couldn't have said it better myself...

Well done!!! :)

And Darl, you will do fantastic... It takes other people alot more time to accept the enevitable.. Ur EDP is definately WAAAAY OTT and NO ONE deserves that treatment... That's disgusting...

We all deserve to be treated like royalty and in return they will get their dishes done, clothes washed (if they are lucky!!! hahahahaha) and of course their children raised, loved and cared for!!!

[xkwzit]

Rach dear heart

What you describe is simply awful and I just want to cry that you have been subjected to such undeserved rage and scorn. You are so right: you simply can't live this way and neither can your innocent babies. Sounds like he has some HUGE issues and you can't do that work for him.

I hope that we can catch up soon for a Mental Health Lunch :hugs:

Cheers

[jamb]

Hey Rach

amy here, long time no chat, sorry for that. i am sorry to hear you've been having a bad run there, wont put down what i think of his behaviour, hmmm would probably get edited.

i'm happy to be a long distance venting outlet if you need, huge :hugs: to you and the kids, plenty more if you need em.

stay strong sister xxx

[Femme-Fetale]

i just wanted to have a little vent and moan. DH and I are officially separated and i really think it just ain't gonna work. he moved out Monday. things have been pretty tense since #2 arrived and after 6.5 years of marraige it seems DH and I are just really unsuited.

this is such a hard time. i feel so crapulous. i looked at all the photos of alice and him and me before and it made me so sad - so sad - to think of all the times to come when there might have been family shots (xmas, birthdays etc), but there won't be any more. there will be no (nuclear) family memories for our two munchkins, as they are only 2 yrs 5 months and 7 months, so both too young to remember these times.

but at least they will get a more relaxed and less conflicted upbringing.

i think i will need the support of some of you single mummies over the coming months. i just never thought i'd be here, but here I am, and I have no idea what comes next...........

Hi
I know im very late coming into this but i wanted to send a cyber hug and hope your doing ok!
You did the right thing by seperating, NO ONE, not you or the children need to live like that. It hurts but it took guts and alot of compassion for yourself and your children to end things, so good on you, chin up and heres to a successful year for you! :thumbsup:

[misskittyfantastico]

I just wanted to offer my support and cyber hugs.

I'm so sorry that you had to deal with such dispicable behaviour. Arm yourself with your family and friends and know that you have many people IRL and in pooter world who will be there for you.

[alicesmum]

thank you again everyone. :p i will keep you posted if anything else happens.....

[alicesmum]

an update:

well, after changing the locks to stop him coming and going as he pleased (which was upsetting Alice), i got a family lawyer all lined up and savvy with my situation, got the ball rolling with single parent benefit through Centrelink and Child Support through CSA. I also transferred a chunk of money from the equity on our home-loan into my personal savings so I could be confident i had money to live on for a while (i have almost no income myself).

informed husband of all this as I was doing it. he got the call from CSA telling him 27% of his income would go to me. I think he realised that i was quite prepared, for mine and the kids' sake, to be single and that i would cope and was not going to beg him to come back or get back together on his terms. honestly, i think my tactics scared the pants off him. :devil6:

the day he got the call from CSA, i got a call from him (wed arvo) saying he would be prepared to go see someone together. i stayed very cool, but agreed (how can I not when kids are involved?). he took alice out that night for his dad's birthday dinner, and when he got home we had a talk.

synopsis:

apologised unreservedly for recent behaviour, describing his actions as "indescribably despicable" (sp?) and told me I was going to see a "new" him over the coming months. he was crying and for the first time in my life it didn't tug on my heart-strings to see another person cry - I guess because I am feeling extremely protective of myself atm). so he did a quick post-mortem of his recent behaviour to explain why it happened and reiterated that it should never have happened. he then listed all the things he is working on changing including drinking too much (typical commercial lawyer who loves his wine a little too much!), sort out his head re his r'ships with his mum and dad (major source of his inner turmoil imo) and get fitter/healthier. I also asked him to go see someone on his own in addition to us seeing someone together.

our separation is now a trial one. we will re-assess after 3 months. in the meantime, he will mow the lawn, give me whatever money I need (including if I need to pay for some domestic help) and see the counsellor with me on a regular basis (Relationships Australia - 1st appt is next week) which he will pay for.

(in the meantime, i can also star-fish in the bed, do less washing, and have a tidier house ;) )

tonight he is here (just until the kids are in bed, no over-nighting for at least 3 months) looking after the kids so i can do what i want. he rocked up very meekly with a huge bunch of flowers for me and my favourite chocies.

talk about coming crawling back!!! :rolleyes: i think he now realises how much he has to lose.

you gotta be strong with these men girls. :thumbsup:

will let you all know how it goes......

rachel

[Femme-Fetale]

Oh thats good to hear hun, im glad your doing well. I hope he can sort himself out, but i hope he realises that doesnt mean everything will go back to the good old days. Thats only up to you and your heart, the damage may already be done for good.

I know im only new here but i have been following these threads in the last few days and looking for updates from a few.

Well done chick!

[melfunction]

Good news Rach.

Stay strong girlfriend ;)

[xkwzit]

That is good news, at least he seems to be acknowledging that he has a problem. I guess the real test will be whether he does the work he needs to do...I hope it does work out well for you all.

Cheers

[draught]

Rach - wonderful news! I know you will be cautious but the fact that he is admitting he was wrong is a huge step towards a better relationship with him, whether as a co-parent or a husband, so well done for standing your ground.

[mum2anthony]

Thats fantastic Rach... You should be a spokesmodel for all those mums who keep going back to the same old stuff... And not taking a stand for themselves and their children!!!

Good on ya!! Keep us posted

[aden2005]

Hey :)
Just wanted to congratulate you on 1000 posts!!!!