View Full Version : Coping with everyone's expectations
red crayon
24-01-2007, 06:55
even though i know this is an issue for women of all ages, i wanted to discuss it with my age group.
do you ever feel as you get older that you are accumulating more and more expectations from family and friends? do you ever feel that you are being overwhelmed by the things people expect you to do? do you feel like that little piece of time and space allocated for you is shrinking?
i do and I'm not sure I coping well with it.
MrsDribbleDrawers
24-01-2007, 10:44
Hmmm... I would have thought that the older you got, the less expectations of other people really mattered, if indeed they really exist at all!! I know that I have huge expectations of myself, but I have no idea about my family and friends expectations - as far as I'm concerned, they are irrelevant.
Cate
I agree that as you get older, some expectations can arise, that you may not have had when you were younger. In other words, when you were younger you could get away with doing silly things, making mistakes, but its no longer accepted once you reach a certain age, ie 30 +
I know that since I became a wife and mother that some of my family have increased their expectations of me, but I try to not let it get to me. My DH's and my own expectations are enough, so I try to ignore the others and do the best I can.
Yes, the time and space for 'me' has definately shrunk since becoming a mother, but I thought about it early on, in my pregnancy and put a few things in place, to ensure I had some 'me' time, some 'couple time' with my DH and time with friends etc. Its definately a juggling act trying to balance everything, including now some part time work.
Be kind to yourself and remember you can't make everyone happy all of the time!!
melfunction
24-01-2007, 10:55
I think the older I have got, the higher my own expectations of myself have got.
I am my own worse nightmare. I have two days a fortnight where I go to work for me time
Then I have an hour with my shrink to truly have some real me time :o
I certainly agree that my expectations on myself are getting higher and certainly my mum has very high expectations of me also, more-so as i get older...
Not so much from other people though.. i am going to ponder this a bit more and maybe come back.....
I think the older I have got, the higher my own expectations of myself have got.
I agree! I don't know if other people's expectations have increased dramatically because I have always been "responsible", even from late teens, though 20s and now early 30s.
I don't think our mistakes are forgiven as easily as they may have been when we were ounger though..... So in this respect I do think family & friends expect a bit of mature perfection.
I thought the older you got, the less you cared what other people thought, but it hasn't worked for me yet!
melfunction
24-01-2007, 12:50
I don't know if other people's expectations have increased dramatically because I have always been "responsible", even from late teens, though 20s and now early 30s.
Same for me. I was forced to grow up very quickly and I think that is where my expectations of myself come from....As for my family's thoughts...well, in a few words - f**k what they think :D
red crayon
24-01-2007, 13:05
i guess i don't worry so much about what people think but i'm becoming more and more aware that certain family members expect certain things from me.
hmmm
maybe it also depends where in life you stand, at this age.
meaning, in your 30ies, people usually expect you to have your 2 kids, a house, a job a husband...blahblahblah...:)
if you havenīt "achieved" those things yet, well then...PRONTO :laughing:
for me it is time to relax now, i had my 2 big ones in my 20 ies and my last one now in my early 30ies, so all set, all done...no expectations...
or is it just me not to get down to the pressure?
i donīt know-
just one thing-
donīt you let them draw the pressure onto you - you are doing your thing, at your pace and how YOU like it- end of discussion ;)
good luck
I think had I not made the decisions I made three years ago, I would be facing much criticism from my family. I was sort of wandering through life not sure of where I belonged, and actually ended up back home for a while after the end of a relationship and a particularly dreadful living arrangement (with a housemate). My family are brutal and a lot of my issues stem from never being good enough.
Then I chucked a new car, nice flat and great job to come to Australia to meet a guy I met online. :rolleyes:
Two years (and a few months) later, I'm married, living in another country, have a wonderful son, and are planning #2. We don't have as "nice" a life as I had back in Chicago. But I'm happier than I've ever been and I think that speaks a lot to them.
Now all I deal with is "when are you coming back" all the time.
I'm sure when we move back, we'll get comments. My husband gave up a lot (materially) for us to be together, so at almost 40 and 31 we're basically starting over, and it's not easy!
What kind of expectations do you mean Jacqui? I am not sure that I have experienced that. Maybe because I am far away from my family, I probably 'get away' with a lot of expectations.
I think I understand what you mean, I see it also as 'society's' expectations also. Our society has changed and there are so many conflicting expectations, you don't have to spend long at Bub Hub to see the conflicting expectations of what parenting is to see it in action.
I think Husbands/partners have different expectations too, depending on how they were raised themselves. If you work you then have your bosses expectations to take into account too.
No wonder we have trouble coping with other people's expectations, everyone in our life is different and has a different set of expectations of who we are and what we should be doing, some people don't say it out loud though but you can often feel it there.
red crayon
07-03-2007, 16:41
hi maria - i guess mumski's right. i'm talking about what people expect you to do and provide. i came back from melbourne in feb felling totally overwhelmed by what people expected of me. i want to live up to some of these expectations but i know i can't.
does that make any sense.
and you're right, maria, distance makes a lot of difference. there are times when i'm glad i'm 10 hours away.
I see where you are coming from Mumski. The parenting world is a minefield of expectations I never would have expected :). As soon as you get pregnant in fact. I am not sure about the partnership expectations, not in my case anyway. Maybe my partner feels differently though.
Jacqui, that must spoil your trips home a little, until you resolve your expections of yourself anyway, if you know what I mean.I have not really experienced that yet - maybe the next trip back to Ireland will be different.
I agree that distance makes a difference.
I live 10 hours (drive) away from most of my family, and don't feel much coming from them. However, when I go for a visit, I feel that they are all bearing down on me.
Most of the time I honestly believe that it's my expectations of myself more than anything though, and I blame it on everyone else.
It's a difficult balance sometimes.
Most of the time I honestly believe that it's my expectations of myself more than anything though, and I blame it on everyone else.
It's a difficult balance sometimes.
I think Mums do have expectations of themselves, we've been brought up to achieve so much more than mums in the past. The whole notion of a 'supermum' who can do everything is so unrealistic and unhealthy.
We need to give ourselves a break and acknowledge the great work we're doing simply by being mothers and spending time with the kids.
Yes, we can do everything but we shouldn't feel like we have to try and do it all at once.
Hmm I find I am the opposite trying to prove to everyone how good I am or how grown up I have become. I constantly feel like I am a small child I am the youngest of 3.
No one expects anything of me and it drives me mad.
The older I get the less I care what other people think!
But I do have higher expectations of myself.
I agree about the "expectations" of some family members. We recently had my FIL 60'th and being the dutiful daughter in law it was expected that I would help cook for 100 people (yes i am serious). It's not so much the helping that I mind with but the fact that it was expected. Plus things are different these days. I might be a stay at home mum but I don't "stay at home" if you know what I mean. I have a life and I love living it. Am I being selfish?
My husband and I find we often don't get time to "just be" weekends are filled with sharing out the visiting of our son with friends, my parents, his parents, brothers and sisters even then we still get the "we don't see you enough" comments. At times it is a real balancing act. we've decided to tell family we are going away at easter time so we came have some time alone just the three of us.
Dont worry Jac dearest, soon we'll be in the 'rapidly approaching senility' age group and we won't even be able to remember what other people expect of us.:laughing:
red crayon
09-03-2007, 16:44
Dont worry Jac dearest, soon we'll be in the 'rapidly approaching senility' age group and we won't even be able to remember what other people expect of us.:laughing:
:laughing: i think i'm almost there. i'm lucky to remember my name half the time.
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