HELP loosing control

[Natasha'smum]

I feel like I am the worst mother in the world. My dd has not slept through from the time she was born she is now 16 months. Over the past 3 weeks she has become worse getting up at 11:30pm and refusing to go back to sleep I am just so tired and stressed that tonight I lost it and threw her into her cot I even yelled at her I just seemed to loose control.

I am feeling so guilty what if I have mentally scared her for life I remember my mum always yelling and abusing me which is why I have nothing to do with her now.

I even am thinking I don't deserve to be a mum and should ring social services to come and take her and give her to a loving family.

I love my daughter so much and I am so dissapointed that I sunk to this level. My dh woke up in shock and told me that there is no way in the world that we are going to have another baby because he thinks I can't cope. Of course that statement made things worse.

16 months with out a straight through sleep is really taking its toll on me physically and mentally what can I do.

I have gone to sleep school and they kicked me out as they could not even help me or my daughter nothing works please help I can't keep going on like this

Natasha's mum

[angcaltam]

My eldest son didn't sleep through till he was 12 months old, we had had enough and tried sleeping him on a mattress on the floor, and he finally slept through!!!
You just need to try everything you can think of till you find something works. The other thing we found was if we put him to bed before 8:30 he would wake up but if we left him up till closer to 9 he would sleep through.
I hope this has helped you.
Keep us posted on how you are doing.
Good luck.

[Natasha'smum]

Thanks for the advice Katherine. I am feeling a lot more in control today although still extremely guilty. :(

Perhaps I should reassess her sleep time I usually put her down about 7-7:30pm so perhaps I should try and stretch her out.

I also don't know if her having a 2+ hour nap in the afternoon is possibly effecting her night time sleep. The mattress on the floor is a very intresting suggestion. Did you find that when you did this for your son that he used to get up all the time and play instead of sleep.

Thanks Again

Yvonne

[Bella-Archie]

Hi Natasha's Mum

First of all I feel for you both ..... I know what its like losing control .... I can see how 16mths of unbroken sleep can take its toll!!!

For starters you are not a bad mother ...... and you have got to keep on telling yourself that ....you are doing the best you can in a bad situation !!!

I think that the worse thing about your situation is that you're stressed (and rightly so) and baby is picking up on that so she is stressing too ..... resulting in broken sleep !!!

Why did they kick you out of sleep school ?????

I don't have any answers .... and Im not an expert. But I know if Im stressed my babies always react (I had two babies in 11mths so there are quite a few times during each day that I feel like I'm loosing control) What I try and do is take a minute to calm myself down .... I take a few deep breaths and say to myself .......I'm calm, I'm calm, I'm calm and then I face the situation and always talk in a low calming tone (this can be very hard to do) but I have found it works !!!! Eventually the baby settles and then you feel alot better because you havn't lost it !!!!

This may or may not help .......but always remember to take the good with the bad and that tomorrow is always a new day ..... and mentally make a fresh start with every day !!!!

Good luck and I hope I have helped a little (maybe knowing you aren't the only one that lose's it now and then) Just remember you love your baby and that's the main thing !!!!!

Katie

[MonMic]

Oh I know that feeling.
I have been so frustrated from lack of sleep that I have done pretty much the samething. Except ours is in a bed.

It is perfectly normal for you to react this way after such a long time without decent sleep! There is no need to ring DOCS and have her taken away.

Your DD won't remember one incident in 20yrs time so don't worry to much about that. You may need to be more aware if it becomes ongoing though.

I actually found the more I tried to push her away the more demanding she became so in the end I had to work out a way to cope at the time e.g turn on the TV and lie on the couch whilst she watched, play, and then work out some longer term strategies.

The biggest thing that came out for us is constistency.
Pick something to do and then stick to it. You need to pick something that you are prepared to stick to so if you aren't comfortable with it don't do it. Then you just have to keep doing it over and over until she gets the message that this is how its going to be.

It can end up a battle of wills so you do have to pick your battles.

Does your DD have a regular routine every day with a set pattern leading up to bed?e.g. dinner, bath, book, bed. this really sets the tone for bedtime.
What do you do when she gets up? If you keep changing what you are doing then that aggravates the problem.

Have you considered any of the No-cry or controlled crying threads on this site?

Also there needs to be consistency between you and your DH because if you are doing different things then that stuffs it completly. i.e if you keep putting her back to bed and then he lets her up. or vice versa.

We were having terrible trouble with our DD and fighting constantly about her, I was at my wits end and I was really worried I was going to hurt her. Then I heard about the triple P course. Positive parenting program. We did that and haven't looked back since, it really saved the day.

Take care, and don't despair to much, parenting is hard and this is all normal.
You will be OK.
M

[Natasha'smum]

Thanks Katie it helps to know that other mothers loss it every now and again.

They kicked us out of sleep school because they could not help. We arrived there at 9am and at 7pm Natasha was still screaming and they had not been able to get her to sleep. They tried controled crying, letting her scream. Pretty much everythinf and by this stage I was getting very distressed and so was my dd at the time she was about 6 months and they basically said that controlled crying just does not work on a handful of kids and I was blessed to have one of those handfuls :rolleyes: .

Yvonne

[Elfin]

I think everyone has given you great advice. The afternoon nap could be too long maybe try and wake up your dd after an hour and if you can cope stretch out her bedtime a bit like has been suggested.

We all get frustrated so stop feeling guilty and just move on. It sounds like you also really need a break. Is it possible for you to go away even for just one night so you can get some sleep? If someone can look after your dd so you can sleep it might be a really good circuit breaker for you.

Good luck and I hope things improve.

[channy]

My son is 7 1/2months old and also has problems with sleeping. He has never slept through. I have days of feeling like I can no longer survive with the sleep deprivation and I have been going through it for 7 months not 16. Hugs to you. I wish I had the answer. Have you contacted any of the sleep specialists that come to your home? Have you taken bub to a paed to make sure there is not another reason she is not sleeping. You should definately try and get away for a night to get some sleep. I also find if I put DS to bed early he tends to wake wanting to play but if I stretch it out a little he stays asleep a little longer. You are not a bad mother. If you start to feel angry just put her somewhere safe and walk away for a little bit to calm down. Hugs to you and feel free to PM or email me anytime.

bcstoner@bigpond.net.au

[Ky]

Hi Yvonne ...

Don't feel guilty or a bad Mum, you are just doing what most of have done or been tempted to do at some point or another.

Be aware that you are incredibly tired and that it might do you some good to have a few nights away from your sweet little lady so that you can catch up on some sleep. I have a friend with a 3 ½ year old and 2 year old who have never slept through and always end up in her bed at night. She leaves her kids with her older children (18 and 14yo's) and her brother for a few nights each school holidays, gets on a train and takes some days to catch up on her sleep. She comes back refreshed and ready to face the task again.

I agree that you may need to look at day time sleeps and what time you set as bedtime.

I found that when I put Bella into a bed at 15mths, she was mucking around and not sleeping for me like she used to. I found that cutting her down to one daytime sleep at around 1pm and then putting her to bed at around 8-9pm after a big milk drink, she would happily drop off very quickly and sleep through.

She had also been waking several times a night for a drink of milk, but this had become more of a habit than a need, so I started watering her milk down more and more until it became plain water and she finally decided that it wasn't worth waking for and gave up!

I know that I can't completely relate to what you are going through, as most of the time my kids have been great sleepers, but I hope that you can at least take heart that it won't be forever and that you are reacting exactly as a sleep deprived mother does and need to take some time for yourself.

I don't think that you have scarred her for life ... if that was true, then Bella and Dan would be lumps of quivering jelly due to some of the times I have "lost it" with them. Instead, they are happy, outgoing and confident kids that love thier Mum and Dad unconditionally!

This last thing is pretty drastic and you may think that I was very mean to use it myself. All attachment parenting people, please close your eyes and anyone who reads this and thinks I am cruel, please realise that I am just stating what I did and not necessarily suggesting that Yvonne uses this method. I don't want to start a slanging match on this thread like so many others have degenerated into ...

Bella had been sick ... in hospital with gastro, and was waking every hour on the hour for a drink and cuddles. This had been going on for a couple of months after her illness, so was really, just a bad habit by then. I was living with my mil and fil and they suggested that we put her to sleep in the room off the kitchen (small, warm and cosy) in her portacot (nice soft sides for tantrums!) and closed the doors between her and us. We then left her to sleep in there all night for a couple of nights. Of course, we checked on her to make sure that she was ok, but found that even in the first night she started sleeping better after giving up on yelling in the first couple of hours. The next night, I slept on the sofa and listened ... she slept right through, no problems at all. We left it another couple of nights and then put her back into her room ... never had any problems after that. She was 14 months old at the time and now, at 4 ½, she happily heads off to bed and is asleep within minutes and wakes at a reasonable hour the next morning ... in fact, we are going to have to start training her to wake earlier so that she wakes up in time to catch her bus to school next year! Her bedtime is now 7pm and she usually wakes sometime around 8:30am.

I hope I haven't offended anyone with my drastic measure ... it was my way of preventing myself "losing it" big time with Bella. I grew up in an abusive household and didn't want to end up doing the same to my kids, so needed to get the sleeping sorted out before I started having temper problems like my Mum had.

I am not saying that it is suitable for anyone else ... merely relating what has worked for me.

Yvonne ... even though you have had a negative experience with your little princess and it has you feeling scared of what you could potentially do, don't feel like you are the only one in this type of situation ... keep posting and we will give you as much support as we can ... you are a wonderful Mum and I believe you will continue the fantasic job you have been doing so far!

[MonMic]

I just thought of another thing.

If your DD has been this way since birth have you ever considered that she may have had a lingering problem from the birth?

I know of a couple of people who have taken their kids to see an osteopath to help with reflux and the like, and found it really helpful.

Maybe that could be helpful for you?

Good luck
M.

[draught]

Hi Natasha
As the other's have sad - you are not a bad mum - just a very tired one!

Just a thought - there is a BIG difference between 6 months and 16 months in terms of sleep and what babies respond to. My DD2 did not respond to the various methods of settling, cc etc at 6 months, or 8 months, or 10 months but now at 13 months is sleeping through. Maybe it is worth calling your local child health nurse or your GP and getting a referral to try again - I am sure that they will help you to find the right place to get advise and support to help your daughter sleep.

A friend of mine was in exactly the same situation as you - when they tried controlled crying with their son at 8 months he cried so much he vomited and they decided that they just couldn't do it anymore. At 20 months he was still not sleeping and they were going to work with sometimes less than 20 minutes sleep a night :eek: They ended up getting a sleep "expert" to come to the house and spend time with them - and she pointed out that in fact their son was OVER tired and needed to go to bed earlier rather than later - he was too tired to go to sleep - over stimulated etc. She set up a regime for them with a strict routine of bath, dinner, story, bed at 6.30, and letting him cry it out - and after three nights the whole family had their first proper night's sleep in ages. Months down the track they are all happier, healthier and very relieved that the nightmare is over!

So - there is help out there, and it is worth trying an "expert" again.

Also - tell your DH to chill. My DH has been known to say such helpful things himself and I find a good lecture on what it is that I am balancing and why I might not be coping and how he could assist to improve the situation normally gets us back on track and at least a partial apology from him!

[Mamaduke]

Hi Natasha's mum,
When I looked at your post I wondered if I'd written it in the early morning haze whilst waiting for Lucas to fall asleep!
Lucas is the same age and is going through the same thing.
Every night, like clockwork, at around 11 - 11.30p.m he will wake up crying. At first I was giving him a bottle (I know, I know), changing his nappy and tucking him back in. Well, that didn't work. Tried just letting him cry - no results, just lots of coughing and eventually vomiting. He has been teething so I have given him teething elixir that I travelled across Melbourne to buy and that has sorted out his teething problem, but he still wakes up. He will then either cry and cry, or end up playing, babbling, rocking the cot or calling me until 4a.m!!!!!
He was having afternoon naps of around 2-3 hours and at the time I thought, never wake a sleeping baby! Yesterday I tried something else, I woke him after 1 hour's nap and he seemed fine, a little grumpy at dinner time but that's 'jungle hour' anyway. Well guess what - LUCAS SLEPT ALL NIGHT!!!!!!!
He did wake once or twice (our monitor picks up everything), but I'm pretty sure he was just rolling over as there wasn't any crying or screaming.
Try less time for a nap - I think (fingers crossed) that this has done the trick.
Apparently, when I was a baby (according to my mum), I would wake at midnight and be ready for the day - they tried everything, it wasn't until the doctor prescribed phernegan for me that I had a full night's sleep. The dose was then lessened each week until I was sleeping through the night without anything.
I don't want to get shot down for this advice, I mean it was 30 odd years ago and advice has changed but it's something you could speak to your doctor about, especially since you feel you're losing control and need help. With all honesty, try the shorter nap during the day and see how it goes.
Good luck and let me know how you go,
Carly

[Melissa1983]

Hi NatashaMum

I know how you are feeling. Both of my girls aint sleeping through and i do shift work so i am exhausted and feel like loosing it.

PM me if you wanna chat

[DoulaFelicity]

~*hugs*~ to you, Natasha's Mum. Sleep deprivation is so tough, and frustration, anger, and a feeling of "losing control" are all completely understandable results of it! You are certainly not a "bad Mother" - just a very tired human being who sounds like they need some support and help at this point (as we all do, often). :)

I'm sure your daughter is well aware how much you love her - it's evident from the distress you show in your post. Any damage that you may feel has been done by throwing your daughter into her cot and yelling at her, can easily be undone and healed with a lot of cuddles and love, and with some supportive guidance and ideas for change, to try and help both her and you enjoy some more sleep and a calmer environment. :)

There's lots of gentle support out there for sleep difficulties - many books, contacts, groups, and philosophies that you might not have considered. There is also a lot of support available for tired, distressed Mamas. I am sure JanetF will pop in here and offer her wealth of wisdom on sleep issues and contacts for you to try, but if you'd like a chat, some support, or some alternative suggestions that might work for you, please PM me. :)

In the short term, grab some Rescue Remedy (for yourself, and your babe!). 4 drops on the tongue has saved me from many a moment of lost control. :)

Blessings,

[JanetF]

You poor love! It sounds like you've been doing a wonderful job and are feeling a level of frustration that is truly terrible. Do you have family support so you can catch up on some sleep during the day while someone cares for bubs? Perhaps you can nanna nap in the daytime with her? The suggestion of an osteopath is a good one because sometimes a small adjustment can make the world of difference. And sometimes just talking about it can help us regain our sense of humour and our equilibrium. Some Emergency Essence will be helpful too for when you feel so overwhelmed. There are other flower essences which are specifically for overwhelmed parents and you can learn about them here:
http://www.ausflowers.com.au/

I strongly recommend that you email Pinky Mckay, a beautiful mum who works on sleep stuff and will take the time to talk to you FOR FREE and take you seriously and not judge you in any way. She's wonderful!
pinky@pinky-mychild.com

There's also baby massage which many mums find helps to settle their baby and gives longer bursts of sleep. You can find instructors here:
http://www.infantmassage.org.au/instructors.htm

You can learn more about the "No Cry Sleep Solution" here:
http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth/

Homeopathics can be useful too and bubhub resource directory has a list of practitioners who would help both you and bubs a great deal.
Look here to locate one near you:
http://www.bubhub.com.au/servicespregnancytherapies.shtml

This is a huge list of sleep resources.
http://www.bubhub.com.au/community/forums/showthread.php?t=4640&highlight=gentle+sleep+resources

Please keep talking to us and let us know how you get on. You still have lots of options that don't cost any money. PM me if you want to chat :) Sending you a hug and lots of strength, you're a lovely mama who just needs a bit of support!

[Natasha'smum]

Thank you all so much for the kind words and the advice. This is one of the most supportive sites I have ever come across. Janet thanks for all the extra info I will look into what you have suggested.

Just thought I would update you all I have tried putting dd to bed at 8pm and she is no longer waking up at 11:30pm :) it is now 2-3am :( .

I still am finding it really hard to wake her up from her afternoon nap she is sleeping for about 3 hours. I just feel so bad having to wake her when she has been up all night.

I am however remaining calm and am adement that I will not loose control like I did the other night.

Thanks again

Yvonne