pregnancy with no family nearby - help!

[Bea]

Hi everyone

I was wondering if anyone could offer some advice. My husband and I are keen to start a family but we moved a few years ago to Brisbane from Perth and have no family here and few close friends. Husband's work takes him away from home for up to 12 days each month. We are both apprehensive about pregnancy in these circumstances - eg what if I get terrible morning sickness? etc. My husband's job is in Bris, so a move back to Perth looks unlikely in the near future. I am 32, so don't want to wait too much longer. We are in a dilemma!

Has anyone been through a pregnancy in similar circumstances, and if so, how did you cope? Are there any support groups out there for pregnant women?

Any replies would be very welcome - we are getting very stressed over the issue and would love some help!

[Rach]

Hi Bea
I had a baby 5mths ago and we are from New Zealand and we have no family and hardly any friends here, it has been quite hard but there is community services available here in brisbane. Like queensland health, they provide health care for your baby and give great advise and help you find local mothers groups in your area i have found them to be very helpful. I was 34yrs old when I had my baby, and as soon as we got home from the hospital, they offer you help from a midwife for the first 3 days after we got home, the midwife came to our home and she was extremely helpful. I was very lucky and didn't get morning sickness just a lot of nausea which the Dr prescript some anti nausea tablets that don't hurt the baby.
I did anti natal classes, there you meet other pregnant mums and I found this to invaluable, especially what to expect during your pregnancy and during the birth and after the birth, so there is plenty of help out there for you. Don't get me wrong it is hard without family because Leyton is with me 24hrs, but i have started taking him to learn to swim classes and I go to the gym twice a week, where i put him into the child care at the gym, so that has been good. I wouldn't trade this job for anything it is a very rewarding job. Good Luck
Rach - Leyton's Mum. If want to talk further. email me: rachaldridge@optusnet.com.au

[em's mum]

I can imagine just how scary the thought of having a baby so far away from your family would be, but don’t worry - everything will sort itself out as you go along.
I was lucky with my pregnancy in that my husband was there to do heaps for me – I had morning sickness morning, noon, and night for the majority of my pregnancy and at around 7wks was SO ill that I literally wanted the earth to open up and swallow me whole!! That lasted for about 10 days, and I could not stand up without throwing up. By the sounds of it you have a very caring husband. If he's going to be away, maybe when he’s home he could cook dinner and make a bigger batch and freeze meals for you to heat up when he’s gone. Either that or stock up on TV dinners or your local KFC (that was about the only thing I could actually stomach through it all!). At least then you don’t have to worry about preparing food (the sight of raw meat or the smell of it cooking would turn my stomach. And who knows, you may be one of the lucky ones that end up with NO morning sickness (ask if your Mum had it – a lot of people I’ve spoken to were similar to their Mum’s in that regard). But as with everything, it will pass…eventually. Then I actually started to enjoy being pregnant.
As far as not knowing many people – you will meet people at baby clinics, and various activities you may join along the way eg: playgroup, gymboree, child care etc. Plus you have everyone here. If there is one thing I have found in the last 8mths since having Emily – these sites are a fantastic source of information and help. I had Emily when I was 33 and she has enriched both my husband and my life in so many ways. Whatever you do, don’t let all the worry and uncertainty rob you of what truly is one of the most rewarding and wonderful experiences of your life. I know this probably hasn’t helped much, but if you want to chat, feel free to email me at paulac1210@yahoo.com.au

[shaelerda]

i just had a baby and my husband is in the navy
if its at all possible dont do it away from your family- not because of the morning sickness, because when youre pregnant all you think about is your baby and if you dont have any close friends or family near you who love the baby as much as you then its really hard to have noone to talk to
i was alone nearly my whole pregnancy and it was horrible, i went to work for the first couple of months wich was exhausting but after that its really really boring and its even worse after the baby is born my husband works twelve hours a day so i only get about half an hour every now and then to be completly baby free- its really hard
but then again oskar is the best thing that ever happened to me and hes heaps of fun sometimes especially as he gets older and can entertain himself sometimes for ten minutes or so
dont rely on your partner for support either men just dont understand what its like its not thier fault they just cant because pregnancy doesnt happen to them it happens to us and also because no matter how much he says hes going to help and get up at night and change poohy nappies- he probably wont at all and even if he does YOU are going to be the one who gets up at night to feed him and hold him when he cries and do all the gross mummy stuff you have to do
i also didnt have any luck with mothers groups some of the women in them were really hostile but i think thats because im a young mother and most of them were over thirty
anyway i didnt mean to write all negatives and i really love being a mother its great, i just wish i could have done it with my mother close to me
ill stop being a pessimist now- good luck no matter what you do just remember its going to be really hard by yourself and you should try to keep that in mind while your deciding what to do

[Mumof2+1]

Hi Bea.
I live in Boronia heights just south of brizy.
Where abouts are you?
I'm 25 with 2 kids Taylah(8) and Jacob (6) and am 20 weeks pregnant.
I don't know how you ladies do it living so far awy from your family.
I used to live in Boonah where all my family on my fathers side live. Mum and dad and mums side of the family live at Bribrie Island.
I had my first two when I lived in Boonah and the support was invaluable as I was only 17 when I had my first bub.
I moved to Boronia about 3-4 years ago and its only 50 mins away from boonah and the same from Bribie but I find that is still a long way away when you need a chat.
I had the same problems as you ladies with meeting people as my kids were too old for playgroup but too young for school. The only person I new in the area was my Husband & his sister. Since the kids have started school it's alot better. I now have alot friends but not what you would call close enough to call on when your feeling abit down.
If you ladies don't live too far away, mabey we could organise a meet & greet for us & others from this site to get to know each other and not feel like total strangers.
Either way, you'll always find support from all the lovely people here Bea.
Best of luck.

Trish

[Bea]

Thanks to everyone who has replied to my message so far - your thoughts and advice are much appreciated and we will take them all on board. This is such an important decision and we want as much info as possible before we decide to take the plunge. I have kept hold of the email addresses that were volunteered and might use them in the near future!!

Trish, I live on the northside of Brissie near the Chermside shopping centre.

Thanks again

[Piratemum]

Hi Bea,

I have a 10 month old and he was born in Melbourne where we had lived for a few years. We had no family at all in Melbourne and we found it extremely difficult. The isolation became so intense and I found it really depressing. When there is only you and your husband, neither of you get a real break. Unfortunately I found mothers' groups very unhelpful. I happened to land in a group of mothers who seemed to love every second of first time parenthood and had no problems (to be honest, in hindsight, I think some fibs were told!). But to a confused first time mum it was very depressing. I also missed a couple of sessions due to appointments I had to keep and when I went back little groups had formed and I felt like a real outsider. In the end my sanity came first and we ended up moving back to family when our son was 6 months old. My husband had to quit his job and take a step down, but neither of us have regretted it. Everytime a family member comes over and entertains him while I have a shower or hang out washing, I am grateful. It has made me appreciate having family support so much more. We are now expecting our second bub, and I couldn't imagine doing that away from family. It took me a while to come to grips with the idea of somehow having 'failed'. But I have to say, once we moved and I became happier, our bub settled down too. I guess babies really can tell when mums are not coping! Good luck Bea!

[prue76]

Hi Bea

My husband is from New Zealand and my family is from Adelaide and we moved to Brisbane 5 years ago when we both returned from London. We have no family here either and only a few friends with no children. I am lucky my husband is around and does not travel for work. I don't know how I would have got through the first 6 months without him around has Meg had colic and reflux and screamed the whole time.

Having no family is really tough however we found a babysitting service supa sitters really good. Initially we would go out ever couple of weeks to a movie or dinner just to get time on our own. Meg goes to child care 2 days a week to give me a break to. She has been doing this since she was 5 months. Initially I thought of this as a failure however it is sanity. If your husband is away that much you need that time.

The other thing is to meet other mums. Take the oppourtunity of having a baby to meet other mums and more people to widen the circle of friends. I found my mothers group on bub hub. I have not had any dealings with Queensland health. Huggies forum is another place to meet other mums.

Starting to get to the good stuff now however that first year is tough so get all the help you can.

Hope this helps and feel free to PM me if you have any other questions.
Prue

[Jo9999]

We have no family nearby either - well I have a sister but she is nil help, see her maybe once every 2 weeks and no babysitting. Pregnancy is the easy bit, its the first days with new bub which are the hardest. My advice is get yourself a network of friends, maybe start a pregnancy group on here for people near you due near when you are.
It is hard with no family, but not having family is no reason to delay it - we'd never have children then!

[mumwiththree]

DH and I moved to Birsbane just over a year ago. We are from Perth also. Where abouts in Perth did you live? We were in Canningvale.
All of my family live in Perth and none were further than a 20 min drive away. And my Mum whom I am super close to was only 5 mins away which helped cause I already have two kids. But DH had no family in Perth and felt it was his turn, so we decided to move to Brissie. He doesn't have alot of family here, mainly his grandparents who he is really close to and wanted to spend time whith them before they pass.
He has two uncles and cousins, but they arent that close to him. In fact we never see them. So it has been really lonely for me here. And when I found out I was expecting baby #3, my home-sickness got really bad. I have never been through a pregnancy without my Mum, (pretty sad I rely on her still and I'm nearly 30).
I still don't know anyone even though I've been here over a year, and being pregnant without my family is hard, but here I am so am trying to make the most of it.
It can be lonely, but you do what you have to. Where abouts in Brissie do you live, if you are close enough, maybe we could meet up. I'm in Warner. I'm due in about 3 1/2 weeks.

[Milk_Monkey]

DP and i were living in the northern territory when i fell pregnant with DS. We moved back to Brisbane when DS was 7mths because we wanted him to grow up knowing his grandparents, uncles etc.

It was hard, but i only realized that after moving back and realizing how much help and support we get from being near family and friends.
i think that we're better parents for having started with very little support. We had to rely on ourselves and make sure we worked as a team as there was no one else to turn to.

I doubt that there is ever going to be an absolutely perfect time, place, or situation in which to start a family for anyone. You just play the hand you are dealt, do the best you can and see where you end up.