It stops here - taking control

[ButterflyMama]

I just got off the phone to my Dad. Some of you may know some or most of our history (he beat me and verbally & emotionally abused me for about 10 years, cops involved numerous times) but today I finally took control of the situation.

My dad has never been supportive of my marriage to Chris, my pregnancy or anything. He made our wedding planning process a nightmare, barely says two words to me when he is around me and *****es about me to his family about how much he disapproves. He's made no effort to spend one-on-one time in the last 2 years. He asked me out to lunch today and I was going to go, but then I called him and said no. The reason I said no was because whenever we are out in public or anything, he acts like nothing has ever happened. He doesn't appologise for his wrong doings, he barely ever even admits them.

Today I told him the only way I was going to have him in my life was if we both sat down and confronted issues head-on and really discussed things so that we could work through them and not have them happen again. He refuted, saying he didn't know why I dwell on things for so long and to let go and I said the only way I can do that is if we deal with what happened and talk about it so it doesn't happen again. He told me the only way he was going to talk through things is if there was a third person involved, as a referee because he didn't feel comfortable on our own. I told him that we are both adults and if he isn't prepared to talk to me one-on-one, then I was prepared to let him go completely and have him play no role in my life or that of my husband or daughters. He ended up hanging up on me saying he had to go.

I'm just so over it. I don't need to go through hurt anymore and it's time I took control. If he isn't adult enough to step up and be a father and deal with things, then it's no loss of mine if he isn't in my life because God knows he hasn't been a real father to me in over 11 years.

It breaks my heart that I don't have a father who supports me and loves me unconditionally. I hate the fact that all through my teenage years and high school years I was an emotional wreck, going through depression & anxiety issues, seeking help from numerous psychologists and counselors. I hate the fact that as a result of the abuse, my friendships, school grades, relationships - they all suffered.

But I'm done now. It stops here. He either steps up or is part of my life no more, I don't need to keep on hurting. I just thank God that I have such an amazingly supportive husband to help me get through this.

I just wanted to share this. I don't know why exactly. Maybe it just feels good to let it all out.

Jessie

P.S. He's never hurt my Mum, and all the times when the abuse occurred she was never around and so is very much in denial about the entire situation and doesn't understand it completely.

[Jax Tellers Old Lady]

Im so proud of you for sticking up for yourself and telling him straight that takes alot of courage. I hope you get some closure on the past and your wounds can heal. Im here if you ever need to talk. Hugs for you.:hugs:

[mummade3]

good luck n i wish u lots of strength to stand up to ur father...


i'm in same boat... i see mine once a year n he still carries on like before... tho he does call weekly or more but it doesnt change for his verbal n physical abuse all my life...

i only say something to him about his behaviour if it affects my children in any way!!

my mother didnt really stand up for us so i make it my strong point to say something.. in front of my kids to him!!

my father is a viet vet n have i have been looking at their site.. post traumatic stress disorder ptsd is huge n it can be blamed for my dads behaviour n attitudes.. but i dont like making excuses for bad things!!

[sunshine_kat_86]

hey , i know what you been feeling and yes i no its hard to belive i know, You will always feel that you got it hardest. i fell it today. Im on mediction and ill nver be aloud of them. Yes my gp says its a prison centence, He says if i do go of them, ill be worse then i was, How worse can you get i reccon, i nearly killed my self, i've had depression for years but it ddint come servere until 4 mths ago when i had my first little baby girl. She is so special. I new what depression was, but i always thought it was a joke. I new how i felt, but i told my self to nap out of it, I couldnt belive my self i had a illness and still dont understand today. I have servere depression and Boardeline Persanality Disorder. people i have red aout who have anerexia or belemia and never new what it was, im thinking they dont read anough, but i was diagnose with boarderline, and i really had no idea what is was, and yeh i didnt belive it was somthing untill i search it on the net. Depression is the hardest thing anyone could go though, So yes if anyone love to share there feelings, im happy to listen
Hayley

[Queen]

I am sending you all my strength..:hugs: And lots and lots of hugs...
You must be so proud of yourself to take a stand like that, and will feel much better now you have stood up to him....
I am just sorry your Dad couldn't be the man you needed, wanted and SO DESERVE...
You are the hero,know that and be proud(you know Dr Phil, someone has to stand up and be the hero:rolleyes: )
:fingerscrossed: May things only get better for you and your family:hugs:

[melfunction]

Well done Jessie :yelclap:

I did the same with my 'father' not long ago..

[rosebaby]

You know...maybe his idea of having a third party there isn't a bad one. Perhaps you could see a counsellor together? They might be able to help your dad see exactly the extent of what he's done to you and how it has affected you. Sounds like he has no intention of acknowledging it if it comes out of your mouth, but maybe he would have to listen to an impartial professional (who would TOTALLY understand where you were coming from).

You may need to accept that he may never understand or acknowledge what he has done though. And it's so easy for someone to say, "so you might just have to deal with that and concentrate on yourself'. But it would be a lot easier to pick yourself up if it were a friend or a colleague or even a partner who has let you down. But it's so hard when it's a parent - the people who are meant to love and protect and cherish unconditionally. Hugs to you - I hope you can find some peace. :hugs:

[whatwasithinking]

You know...maybe his idea of having a third party there isn't a bad one. Perhaps you could see a counsellor together? They might be able to help your dad see exactly the extent of what he's done to you and how it has affected you. Sounds like he has no intention of acknowledging it if it comes out of your mouth, but maybe he would have to listen to an impartial professional (who would TOTALLY understand where you were coming from).

I would have to agree with Rosebaby.

May you find the strength love and support to move on/past (not sure of the right word I'm wanting to use) from this and cleanse your life.

:hugs: :hugs:

[Chanelc]

Good on you no one deserves to be mistreated be verbal, physical or sexually especially by their parents.
you should be very proud of yourself for standing up and telling him!
Can't imagine it was easy so big :hugs:

[Fitmumma]

Jessi, you have done the right thing, you are so strong to have confronted your father.....
I wish I could...but I just cant, he did things to me as a child that a father just should'nt....and he has never ever mentioned a damn thing to me about it....he acts like he was this perfect father & even has the gall to condemn other people for doing the exact same thing he did to me....but I just cant speak up.
I hadnt seen him in 18 years & hadnt spoken to him in 10, hes just such a self righteous a***h**e.
Then last year he came here to live, I made the decision to see him, I dont know why, I havent seen him since September, I just cant bring myself to because I dont really think I need him around & because I hate the fact that I know the words unspoken will stay that way....I am just lucky I came out of it ok.....
You have done such a good thing for yourself & your girls.:yes:

[mum2bubba]

Well done for saying something, it sounds to me like he never thought what he did was wrong, then and now. I am a very forgiving person BUT forgivness has to be earned.
My SIL's dad used to abuse her and her brother and she was brought it up the other night with him and he completely denies everything. :rolleyes:

[mumofcaleb]

Oh sweetie I know what it's like to have this sort of a relationship with your father. It's not easy, but I think if you have some sort of a mediator then that would really help you both understand where each of you are coming from. It's worth a try.

[ButterflyMama]

You know...maybe his idea of having a third party there isn't a bad one. Perhaps you could see a counsellor together? They might be able to help your dad see exactly the extent of what he's done to you and how it has affected you. Sounds like he has no intention of acknowledging it if it comes out of your mouth, but maybe he would have to listen to an impartial professional (who would TOTALLY understand where you were coming from).


We actually have done this. We saw a psychologist together, and nothing eventuated. He put on an act of compliance and understanding for the professional but everything went back to the same way it always has been as soon as we were back at home. It didn't work.

But thank you for the suggestion, and to everyone else for the great support. It means a lot to me.

Jessie

[SorenLorensen]

good on you :yelclap:
maby if you stand your ground he will realise what he may miss out on.

[kristy J]

i don't have any advice but i just wanted to say good on you and stand tall.
:hugs: :hugs: :hugs: to you.

[lizzymcfizzy]

Good on you Jessie,

You've done everything you can regarding this relationship. I hope you finally feel free :)

[damien's mum]

Well Done, and good on you! It does take alot of strength and courage to do something like that. I know, i did it about 2 years ago, to my, so called "Dad". I will be thinking about you, and sending you lots of strength and :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

[squiglet]

I have a father very much the same as yours Missbehave.
He beat up my Mum, me and my brothers more often than not.
He is a strange man I think, and can't understand why my mum would have stayed married to him for so long (they are now devorced after 25 years)

I used to feel the same way as you, That you only get one father and that you should make an efort to talk to him and be nice.

But I have to face it that he will not change and realy (in my case anyway) he dosn't feel any shame or remorse for the things he has done.
I am positive that he actuly thinks that it's his childrens and wifes foult for everything.

I now find it better not to have any contact at all.
It is just easier than having to deal with the stress of yet another abusive phone call or haveing to deal with any of his problems.

I hope you find the right thing to do for you.:hugs:

[mum2bubba]

I know a few fathers that have done wrong in their past regarding their families and kids and they all deny everything or try and turn it around on other ppl, makes me so annoyed. Grant's dad beat him when he was younger just the once out of anger (apparenly Grant's parents were argueing in Grant told them to shut up and his dad beat him, Grant was about 6 at the time) then he just up and left and didn't return, but he has never apologised or anything, Grant still has contact with his dad but they don't see or speak that often neither do my BILs.