Decisions re access so hard

[Chanelc]

Now that is finally over I saw the solicitor yesterday it is extremely hard as I proposed that he have her once a week and every second weekend as I wanted to be fair.
The solicitor said no considering the fact that I have raised concerns about his recreational usage.
Yes I want to protect my daughter yet the naive part of me wants to trust he wouldn't put her in a harmful situation. Reality is I can't risk it as he has lied before and I would never ever forgive myself if harm came to her.
I guess I am scared he will get angry and nasty!! I am not looking forward to the weeks ahead and my gut feels ill with worry.
Do you think praying works?
This sucks as I am feeling like a horrible person when in fact he is the one that can't be trusted. How do they have this power over us!!

[mummade3]

u just have to believe that what is best for child is the most important!! n not what is best for ex..

so r there any access visits?? i kno so many kids that go to the other parents when there are drug issues etc!!
i kept my daughters with me for 6months until ex cleaned up his drinking act..

its hard but ur daughters safety n welfare is the main concern
dont let the mothers guilt get to u! its ridiculous what we go thru with these men n then still feel pity or guilt..

it does go away... just be strong til it does

[Chanelc]

my solicitor is insisting he only has 4 hours a week max under supervision and is to be subject to random drug test and his prohibit under the agreement to take any form of drug before, during and after access to Chanel.

He doesn't know yet - he can come back with counter claim but I am not budging on the drug test thing... no matter how many hours we agree on.

I know he will flip out - as he always claims "I don't have a problem" I just do it every now and then - my thoughts are if you don't have a problem - why couldn't he walk away from it when he had the chance to save his family - he is full of lies & self denial

[mummade3]

i went out with a guy that didnt think he had a problem either.. its very sad to see them let it ruin their lives n of the ones that love them... n they tend to believe they r the victims etc..

my little mans father is not in his life n part of me is glad as i'd be in the same boat as u!! n he wouldnt be apart of the drug testin or the supervised visits..

i'm glad u have ur daughters best interests in line.. (as my ex best friend would send her kids no matter what just so she could go out n it was very upsetting.. the eldest learnt to turn heater off n lock fdoors etc coz daddy was out of it on loungeroom floor!!)

anytime u need to vent or chat u can pm if u like.. single parentingg is hard but also very rewarding!! at end of day u get all the kisses n hugs lol

[Chanelc]

The thing is he aint using every day but recreational but he is taking coke - from what I have found from the drug line and counselor it is a very bad as it cause moodiness, and anger and apparently the hardest people to work with. He will say it is only four times a year - but my gut tells me every 6 weeks he was doing something due to his mood swings.
He was just to convince me I had the problem and that there is nothing wrong with taking any illegal substances - which I kept fighting as a parent how anyone take an illegal substance? Seriously he caved my head trying to cause me to doubt my convictions that is normal behavior to crave to do coke and especially when you have a child in the equation.
Seriously at 36 one would think he was more mature to put his daughter first - but nah he is a loser as far as I am concerned now.
Only grateful I got out now and not years down the track

[mummade3]

i think all drugs cause the come down with the moodiness n anger probs..

my biggest worry would be that the child could find leftovers or a hidden stash!!

coke-- i thought it was supposed to be very adictive which makes u think 4 times year would be hard..

[Butterflymumma]

hey there,

I think what your solicitor proposed is great, if your ex cant clean up his act then he has no right to be around your little girl. It is a worry having to work out visiting agreements and all that, i havent even had my little girl yet and im stressing over it, but just know you ARE making the right decision, You are putting your daughter first and that is what she needs from you! dont feel guilty for his problems! I too have an ex who has a history of drug abuse and before i knew him it was really heavy stuff and then he stopped completley when we were together and then got back onto pot when we broke up but he maintains hes not doing drugs at the moment, but when that day comes for him to want to take her away from my supervision, then i WILL be taking it to a solicitor and getting some agreement made up because i cant trust his word and cant trust that the people he hangs around when he has her will be drug free too! Just hang in there and know you made the right decision!! If he really does want access to his daughter the proper way and with more time then he will clean up his act, if not, then he will continue to have supervised visits with minimal hours. its his choice and your daughter comes first as you wouldnt want her growing up thinking that drugs are ok because daddy does it.

hugs to you :hugs: it will all work out i promise and dont listen to his yelling and abuse if he gets angry over it, just hang up the phone, you dont deserve it!!

[Chanelc]

I am know I am doing the right thing I am gonna be strong and get through this... just you know those moments of weakness and your head spinning with everything...

mummade3 - agree since when does anyone that does coke only do it four times a year!

excitedmum2b - so sorry to hear you have similar situation.

By next week I should know his reaction I think I will ask my brother to stay with me so I know I am safe at night

[munchkin05]

By next week I should know his reaction I think I will ask my brother to stay with me so I know I am safe at night

if you are having doubts over your saftey then i totally agree with your solisitor and make him have supervised visits and drug screening
and just hope that if he really wants to see dd that much he will kick the habit and prove to you that he is responsiable

hope it all goes well
just think its the best thing for your dd
your ex put himself in this position now he should deal with the outcome of it

[Chanelc]

It made me laugh I got home to an SMS saying he was going to counseling at end of month and ask for more access to Chanel..
Like I am going to fall into that trap - I have ignored it and waiting my solicitors advice.

[Chickadee]

A friend of mine discovered that her partner was taking their 4 year old daughter with him to make his buys.

Your daughter is too precious to put at risk like that, so I think your solicitor is right on about having the visits supervised.

[mum2anthony]

I am feeling like a horrible person when in fact he is the one that can't be trusted. How do they have this power over us!!

He doesn't... You are a woman and ur childs mother and if something doesn't feel right, DONT do it...

Doesn't matter that he is her father... (its a shame)... But he needs to prove to you that he can grow up and take charge...

[Pobblebonk]

Hi. I really feel for you because I will probably have to go through something similar in the future.

I've now tried TWICE to invite him to a mediation conference but each time he has not responded to the invitations, telling me there is no point as he is going for overnight visitation of our 12 month old once a fortnight and then every weekend! I mean, come on! He's never even had him on his own before!

But chin up. You need to ensure that the environment is healthy and caring and loving for your daughter. She shouldn't have to deal with moodiness caused by drug-taking, and she wont understand either. Just imagine if he lashed out at her because he had a shorter patience than usual... >> I'm thinking worse case scenario.

Good luck with everything and keep us updated.

[sarmelie]

I'm kind of counting myself lucky at the moment. Although not at your expense.. Its just that my daughters father also got into heavy drugs (of course, he stands by the notion that it was my fault because i left him). He has absolutely nothing to do with her, entirely on his own decision. Has only seen her the day she was born and the morning after, but not once more.
Sometimes i wish he would want to be more involved, but reading your posts makes me realise i'm probably still 10x better without him, the problems he'd cause
.
I just have that fear that ill never be able to leave her with him anyway because i just dont KNOW him well enough (we were together 4 months) and i havent seen him for 19 months anyway, so the person he is now.....

I know its a bit extreme, but you just see stories like what happened to that poor woman coming home to her two children murdered, supposedly by her husband, who she knew..
Puts the fear of god in me at the thought of leaving my daughter in the hands of someone who i barely know. :no:


It made me laugh I got home to an SMS saying he was going to counseling at end of month and ask for more access to Chanel..
Like I am going to fall into that trap - I have ignored it and waiting my solicitors advice.
Gosh , dont you love how its all, oh at the end of the month, oh in 2 months, next year.. theres not much chance of them doing anything unless its now .. Although i dont know him, but its just the feeling i get with these *bleeps*
I feel for you. One day i might have to start doing what your doing too...
:hugs:

[oleander]

Go with what the solicitor says. They know because they have seen it all before. There's no way my DD would be going anywhere with a drug user whether it's her father or not. It's just not safe and if something happened to her I could never forgive myself. It's probably best not to contact him either and just go through the solicitor for everything.

[munchkin05]

Go with what the solicitor says. They know because they have seen it all before. There's no way my DD would be going anywhere with a drug user whether it's her father or not. It's just not safe and if something happened to her I could never forgive myself. It's probably best not to contact him either and just go through the solicitor for everything.

and keep a note on when he contacts you and what he says
it may come in handy :detective:

[Chanelc]

Update spoke with his parents and him to try and resolve before it gets nasty!
They think I am being a ***** and that I am using my daughter to get back at their son - f off is what I say!
I keep telling them I have a duty of care it fell on deaf ears.
I gave my proposal and now it is with my solicitor who said they will send the letter.
WOW - he has agreed to a drug test before and after he has access to Chanel. And he is at his parents therefore they are responsible for the supervision.
Each day I am sure it will develop all I want is a resolution.
Oh and this will make you laugh - his parents said kids from broken homes end up messed up - I retorted with it is better to be from a broken home than live in one!!
And he made comments that he is going to counseling and hopes him and me can do counseling to resolve it - do I sound dumb - why would I even give him another chance he has blown everything other chance - he can dream on!!
Funny thing is now I know he regrets his actions and realise the reality there are consequences.
thanks for your support out there

[MissBrightside]

What a tuff situation. You are sounding so strong about it all. My ex also tells me that I use the kids against him. I think its just a way to try and make you feel as though you are and guilt you into doing something that isnt right for the kids.
I think sometimes things seem like they are getting better before they hit rock bottom again, so keep to your guns mate you sound like you are keeping Chanels best interests at heart, which is whats important

[Chanelc]

thanks miss brightside.. They are trying all the tricks and I am no fool. I don't give a toss what they think and if they could see pass themselves and looked from the outside in they would see it is not about me, or him it is about an innocent little girl.
I am placing bets they will find substances in the test - and then what will they say?? That is wasn't his urine - haa haa sorry but I can just see it.
I am not going to be bullied and know I am comprising more than I should so if they don't like it they can fight in court as I am not going to back down Chanel comes first!

[Dadandtwo]

my solicitor is insisting he only has 4 hours a week max under supervision and is to be subject to random drug test and his prohibit under the agreement to take any form of drug before, during and after access to Chanel.

He doesn't know yet - he can come back with counter claim but I am not budging on the drug test thing... no matter how many hours we agree on.

I know he will flip out - as he always claims "I don't have a problem" I just do it every now and then - my thoughts are if you don't have a problem - why couldn't he walk away from it when he had the chance to save his family - he is full of lies & self denial

Sorry, I haven't read all the messages here, sorry if I say something that has been said before. To be honest, I have no idea what it's like to live with someone who is on drugs, but if I was in the same situation as yourself, the advice of your solicitor seems pretty sensible to me. I'm not sure why you broke up...I'm guessing drugs? But, basically, the interests of the child is the most important thing, not the parents. If one of the parents can be considered 'not fit' to parent on their own (like your ex), then supervised visits to start with are necessary. I'm guessing 'supervised' means you are there when he visits? That will enable you to monitor his behaviour over the longer term to see if you can see improvement. But from where I sit, the guy has to get off drugs altogether before full visitation rights are considered. That's my view anyway. But in the end, the kids are the ones you have to think about. Hope this helps.

[Dadandtwo]

Sorry, forgot to add. Under normal circumstances, it's in the best interests of the kids to have both parents around...it's working great in my situation. It's amazing what 'different' things kids do with me then when they are with their mother. But, again, drugs are a pretty good barrier to being on the ball when being a parent.

[daddaddad]

Well here goes my first post on the opposite side of the fence. This is where I get to booed from the site. Firstly, let me tell you all, I do not condone drug use… ‘cept maybe a dabble in the amber ale or the juice of a grape. Secondly I agree that the most important issue is the welfare of the child – without question.

Chanelc, My following comments are not aimed at you. It’s just jumping on the thread that, reflects on you life – it may seem personal, it is not. I’ve only taken a two second look into your world but give me a chance. I’ve read other posts you’ve written, he says he used 4 times in the four months that you were back together. Let’s work on the math of a male junkie…. In truth, he most likely used 12 times in that period…(see, I am on your side.)

You won’t understand an addiction until you’ve had one. Any cigarette smokers on the forum? Tell a smoker that they can’t, and watch them start climbing the walls. I smoked for years, my ex stopped the day she found out she was pregnant. She begged me to stop for 9 months, she demanded I stopped when DD1 was born. I quit about 6 months after she, DD1 and DD2 left the house. You tell a junkie he/she is failing and they will do something to fill that void – take the drug.

Go back to your original post where you wrote “…I proposed that he have her once a week and every second weekend as I wanted to be fair. The solicitor said no….” I am thinking that you know your ex better than anyone, better than your solicitor at least, and no doubt you had already weighed up the risks involved.

The ex threw you a peace offering – exactly what you wanted – in the SMS he sent you. Perhaps that would have been a great chance to offer him encouragement – “that’s great, you get the counseling and prove your drug free and I’d love to see you spending time with Chanel”.

In the years to come you will entrust your child with nurses, doctors, day care teachers, school teachers – even solicitors. Who is going to ensure that they are not chronic drug users, worse than your ex? What mechanisms will you be able to put in place with them?

Cocaine leaves the blood/urine very quickly compared to the other main recreational drugs, therefore it is the drug of choice for elite athletes (who undergo regular testing), AFL footballers and the like. Some of the more skeptical in the world questioned why Shane Warne was taking diuretics…. Are you with me? If your ex wants to fudge the test he will. Cocaine will not be detected over an extended period.

I’m going to let you all in on a secret… at first, being a Dad and dropping in for a day or a weekend is really hard work (derrrr, I hear you all say). If the ex’s priority is himself, his party lifestyle and his drugs, he will only put his hand up a couple of times. There are many women on here that would love their ex to show any interest – a phone call would mean the world.

The ex is going to muck up. What’s to say that he won’t forget the brake on the pram, drink too much at a BBQ, forget the seatbelt in the car, let her play near a fish pond while he is not watching or even forget her 16th birthday party…

If his drug use puts her at risk then yes, he should not be caring for her. If his drug use is recreational and has little effect on him physically during the period of time he is due to care for your daughter, perhaps there might be some more middle ground.

Wow, that was long. Hope it made sense, was not too insensitve and didn’t seem too personal (Chanelc)…Let the booing being…

[motherlylove]

wow i feel for you having to go through all this hope it gets easier

[rosebaby]

mummade3 - agree since when does anyone that does coke only do it four times a year!


Hi Chanel

Please don't take this the wrong way, but this is something that should set your mind at ease if you do ever have to give him access to your daughter:

Coke isn't that addictive - it is possible that he only used it four times in a year like he says.

It's also extremely expensive - enough for a night could set you back over $200 so unless he's very rich he probably doesn't have a serious coke habit.

I'm not saying that you shouldn't be keeping your daughter away - it really isn't something a responsible parent should be doing, and if you have the tiniest suspicion that he's been affected by it when in the presence of your daughter - even just on a comedown from the night before, then he should not be getting access. But perhaps it's not as bad as you think - perhaps he can be trusted to look after your little girl occasionally if you get the all-clear on the drug tests.

And to the person who said that their ex claims he only got into heavy drugs because you left him: ha! Don't you love that? The only reason they ever do anything wrong is because YOU cause it. My ex apparently is incapable of picking up nappies when I need them or getting a job because I've made his life too stressful by being a ***** to him. Yeah, good theory, except he was like this before I met him!

[Chanelc]

What can I say -I appreciate the input although I understand "recreational" use - I don't condone it when anyone is a parent. Seriously party when you are young but as a parent I believe my role is to set a good example. I guess I see it that you can't tell your kids when they do drugs - no when you are doing it.

I know from the GP and the CSR (yep alot of people working on this case) Cocaine can be detected for up to 120 days in the hair folici, urine up to 7 days - hence the urine test.

It is not the impact of what the drug when one does it is the after affects which i personally experienced with him - the anger, depression, absence mind and tireness. I don't want her to be subject to it.

Yes he has over $600,000 cash in his bank account (not that I get a dime) so yes he can afford it - plus he has quick access considering his "best friend" is a cocaine dealer. I now know everytime they got together - which was once a week he was using coke or some drug.. not on!

Plus add to my original and subsequent post, his behavior since we split the second time is scary twice he has threathen to take her - if he has her best interest at heart why would be just take her - when all he has to do is agree to undertaking the drug test and keeping her at his parents place (which is where he is staying)

I proposed he proves that he can be clean for 3 months then access can be increased as research shows they relapse at 8-10 weeks after there last buzz. To be honest the long weekend in Melbourne is his test as the pressure from his friends will be too much.. he is a follower not a leader.

Trust me I have tried to support him but you can't save someone if they don't want to save themselves - even his sister is on my side as he has being doing this for 15years!

Sorry if I sound harsh but I lived with him and they lie so until he proves himself I am listening to the solicitors as I don't want to live with any regret if harm should ever come to her

[daddaddad]

Like I said - We only get a small look into you world and then offer an opinion. Sounds like you are making the decisions, informed and with fairness at heart.

I hope he can prove you wrong...

[Chanelc]

Yes I hope he proves me wrong too.
Truely all I want is for my daughter to have an active, straight & involved father.
Despite what he has done I don't hate him and he will always have a place in my heart it is just I wont subject myself or my daughter to his choosen lifestyle.
It was hard to walk away but as the drug counselors say the best thing is to be firm, consistent as they don't go clean unless they choose to themselves.
Plus unfortunately coke addicts are the hardest to work with as they are in denial for so long before they will confront their issues.
Yes, I have done alot of homework on it - as I wanted to be well informed. Reality there is a 50/50 chance of him staying straight for the rest of his life.
I do believe people can redeem themselves but it doesn't happen overnight I pray everynight he gets well as this is my daughters dad.