Feeling miserable..

[Nickster]

I am just so sad and miserable at the moment. I have purposely avoided venting on this site about my family, thinking it is all just in my mind, trying to keep my chin up (and bury my head in the sand) and that it's not all bad, but I just can't do it anymore.
The past couple of weeks have been really difficult. Firstly, Libby had a virus which meant for 3 days and long nights, we (DH and I) were trying to keep her temp down (panadol and baths in the middle of the night, etc) and get her better. That's fine - I can cope with that, but as all you mums know, it's pretty stressful when your little ones are sick. She got over it, and then a few days later, I caught it, complete with vomiting and nausea. My DH was able to take Libby over to my parent's place for my mum to babysit because I literally couldn't get out of bed. He arranged for her to look after Libby the following day as well, because he was unsure how I would be. All fine and good. Then the next morning, my mother rang and said she couldn't take care of Libby, as she had to go and run some errands, which left me trying to care for Libby, still feeling deathly ill, and barely able to move off the couch all day, let alone pick her up (DH was there in the morning, but had some un-reschedulable appointments in the PM). I told her how let-down I felt, and she just told me not to be selfish, and that I just need to understand she can't always be there for me.
I was so upset about it, because I don't understand how a woman who doesn't work, doesn't want for money, and doesn't even have to cook (they are doing Jenny Craig) cannot find time or effort to care for her only grandchild when it is needed. I have a feeling my father has something to do with all this - he's a bit of a bitter and twisted case, very possessive of my mother.
It's not like this happens all the time - I don't believe I have ever taken advantage of her or "used" her as a babysitter, yet that's the feeling I am getting from her.
I haven't spoken to her for over a week because of this, as I am just so hurt (and very angry) by it. I don't know whether to cut them out of my life, or accept what little they are willing to give, supposedly for Libby's sake. Now Libby's 1st birthday and Christmas are approaching and I just feel so sad and isolated, seeing all the happy families (grandparents included) out and about. Why does it have to be like this?
Sorry for the long rant, girls, I just don't know who else to talk to, and everyone here has always been so wonderfully supportive. :o

[whatwasithinking]

Sorry to hear you and libby were sick - hope all on the mend now :)

It is a tricky situation with your mum.

1. Don't cut them out of your lives unless ABSOLUTLY necessary (I don't know the full family situation). My dad is out of my life and I regret it!

2. Whilst your mum should have been there for you you need to remember that errands do need sometimes to be done no matter what else comes up - maybe it was something she couldn't get out of? (I know that may seem harsh but please I don't mean to offend you in anyway).

3. Maybe have a talk to her and see if there is an underlying issue?

I probably have not helped or made you feel any better. Please do not make any rash decisions until you are 100% better and have thought it through (talking especially about point number 1)

hugs to you

[brooke]

Nickster you poor thing.. you can always tell us...

Family can be so difficult sometimes, for some reason they like to make life hard for us... not sure why.. i think it must be in some twisted rule book or something!
I wouldnt cut them out of your life, i would just accept what ever they are willing to give even if it is only a little! Just think how hard it would be if you cut them out of your life.. I grew up with out my family speaking with my dads mother and that was hard (although she deserved it.. kicked dad out of home at a young age)
and they would talk and then not talk and then talk and not talk... (you get my point) it would be very hard for all of you if you didnt speak!

Maybe next time you speak with your mum (and not before you are ready) tell her how you feel.. sometimes parents just dont realise!
Big hugs to you and I hope you feel better soon!
Just think santa is coming soon! :D

[Foxy]

Hi Nickster,

My heart really goes out to you!!! I have similar issues with my own parents (i.e. hardly any interest), and ironically my in-laws never leave us alone! I always daydream that if I could combine the two attitudes we would have the perfect family.

During the hard days, I try to remind myself that I am creating my own "new" family now and the lessons that I am learning from both my parents and in-laws behaviour is showing me how I want to be (and not want to be) with my children.

I guess my point is that our children deserve as many people that love them in their lives as possible, and while your mother may not be getting any awards, grandparents can hold a special place in kid's hearts. Maybe it's up to you to show her what a mother can be.

Hope you are feeling better soon. :)

Michelle

[Blessed Mum]

Shelbyville- that was great advice, and nickster I hear you. Have had long-standing issues with m-i-l and my DH does not believe she is one to be constantly interfering and telling us how to raise our kids(based on his childhood) even though she is adamant that that is not what she does but it is. We've tried setting a few guidelines but always ending up with trouble so with our second due in under 12 weeks he has said he doesn't want her around or involved! She is asking me whether or not I will allow her to know/see bub?????

Fed up
Tara

[zenifa]

Hey Nickster - big hugs to you and Libby
Hope you are feeling better soon.
You always have a listening ear on bubhub, so don't feel bad about sharing this with us. I did have to agree with shelbyville's comments - I don't think cutting your parents out of Libby's life (& yours too of course) is going to do anyone any good.
I can understand how hurt and disappointed you are that your mum let you down and when the time is right for you, it would be best to discuss it.
Try to focus on the positive, which is being the great mum to Libby that you are and with her first birthday (& then Xmas) coming up, it will keep you busy once you are feeling 100% better.
Take care and best of luck with that!! Z :)

[Nickster]

Thank you all you wonderful ladies for your support. You are all such sweethearts!
I've been pondering the whole thing but haven't really come to any conclusions. I just still feel sad that it has to be this way. I just want to acknowledge what you have all said:

dmaree - you didn't offend me - thank you for your take on the situation. The only problem with the "errands" is that she just went around with my father (needlessly) while he had some things to do. Nothing she couldn't have got out of and she could have possibly taken Libby with her. Sorry if I didn't clarify these things to start with.

brooke - I'll tell her how I feel. I don't know if it'll do any good. But not yet. I'm still too upset. I don't ask her for much - I've only asked her to watch Libby 3 times since she was born, and she's certainly never offered, but when I really needed her, she just went and withdrew her support.

shelbyville - I hear your words - and they are so true. You are a wise woman. DH and I have discussed many a time how lucky Libby is because we can offer her so much emotional support. Lead by example, I say!

tara25 - you've got it pretty rough. I think all we can do is remember what shelbyville said and that is to basically put ourselves above the situation and think of our children and not to let them miss out on knowing their grandparents. But by the same token, I don't want to subordinate myself anymore.

zenifa - thanks for your words. I just don't want Xmas and her first birthday party to become a fiasco thanks to my parents, so I am just resigned to not depend upon them for anything anymore.

[Nickster]

It's now been a week since my mum called me - I feel so lonely and lost and hurt and don't know what to do. I feel like my heart is breaking over this - any dreams or illusions/delusions I ever had about a "perfect family" have been shattered. Do I make the first move or just wait for her to call me?

[Rainbowbrite]

Hey Nickster,

Sorry your still feeling that way. I had an arguement with my dad about a week ago & i'm gonna wait for him to make the first move. Its hard I know. But it was him who caused the problem in the first place.

Hope you feel better real soon, feel free to PM me anytime for a chat :)

RB

[Briannabear]

Im so sorry to hear of your family troubles Nickster.
The longer you leave it to contact your mum the harder it will be. One of you needs to step up and be the bigger person (and Im guessing that will have to be you. :rolleyes: ).
All I can say is *hugs* to you and i hope the situation gets better soon.

[brooke]

nickster if it was me I would just call her and talk to her..
I dont think that you are going to feel any better until you do!

Its better to have a mother in your life than not at all.... she may be hurt too..
its important to talk to her and let her know how you feel then she may do the same!

Good luck and big hugs!

[Jaileth]

Nickster I feel sorry for what you're going through.

On my dad's side of the family no one - and I mean no one would talk about his dad. None of us grandkids know what he did to deserve it as our parents just won't talk about it. The rest of the family live down in Vic, and I know for a fact that he lives up here - only a km or so away from where my parents live.

One day, when my sister was about 15, this 'old guy' started following her around. Didn't try and talk to her or anything, just followed her and watched her and generally creeped her out. Turned out it was my grandad. Dad had been letting him sleep in our car at night because he had no where else to go and he'd seen my sis and wanted to talk to her, but didn't know what to say, so he ended up scaring the daylights out of her instead!

I'm not telling you this to scare you or insuniate that your parents would do something similar - but just trying to let you know what it was like for us growing up without a grandparent.

I hope that you can work things out with your mum and that everythings turns out the best for your family. Try not to stress about it too much (and I know how hard that can be too - I'm the original stress bunny!) but you are a wise and wonderful person - you and your dh will make the right choice for your family!

[Foxy]

Hi Nickster,

How are you?

It's hard being the better person isn't it? It's frustrating because you know you have to be the instigator for anything to be resolved, while the other person is probably oblivious.

Hope you, DH & Libby have a lovely weekend together.

Michelle

[Mum2Tyla]

Hi,
I feel so sorry for all you people with such unsupportive families, we have not yet had our baby but i have seen how wonderful my mother and father are with my brothers child, my parents are not welcome in my brothers home as his partner thinks they don't like her and she will not come into my parents house but my mother still gets her a birthday present and christmas present and looks after there son nearly every weekend sometimes all day on saturday, my parents both work all week and my father works saturdays as well as he has just started a new business so the only day they have to do things together or get things done is on Sunday and my brother will come around with "Sam" and spend the whole day there and they never say no or complain, he also never says thankyou or offers any money for them to look after him. I realise I am blessed to have such great parents, they are also great with kids they don't try to tell you how to raise them and follow your rules. Sorry to rub it in to all of you that don't have the best families, but just because you are related to someone does'nt mean you have to put up with behaviour you would'nt accept from someone else.
Kelly

[Nickster]

Thanks for asking how I am. Nothing has been resolved yet - we are still having a Mexican standoff. I don't know how the situation can be resolved if this is to be her attitude. All I guess I can do is expect NOTHING from my parents in future - but how is that a way to live? (ie. with sadness/resentment/regret/a sense of isolation). I think I might need to see a counsellor, I don't want this eating me up.
I'm still very sad, and cry when I think of it, so I just try not to think about it.... :o

Sorry to blab on so much - apart from this issue, my life is pretty good. I have the most wonderful husband who is my very best friend, and of course the delectable Elizabeth. :)