My 34 year old ex earns $24k a year MkII

[rosebaby]

Hm - not sure why the last post with this heading went a little haywire??

Anyway. As the headline says, my 34 year old ex earns $24K a year - and thinks that's a reasonable salary for someone who is supposed to be supporting a child while the other parent (me) raises him full time. Basically, he works for one "client" (as he likes to call it) for $2000 a month - which gives him the freedom to swan around doing what he likes for most of the week. I'd say he probably only works six or eight hours a week.

I raise my son full time, using the two days that my ex takes him a week to work my butt off from home earn a decent living to give my baby a reasonable life. My ex gives me $50 a week child support.

The thing is, he believes it's more important to give a child time and love than it is to give them monetary things. Of course, he's right in many ways, and I love that my DS always has his mummy or daddy around him and is showered with love. But it's a fact that babies and children also need a reasonable amount of financial support. We don't need to live in a mansion or drive a big car, but for god's sake, $50 barely buys a box of nappies!

I just get so frustrated that I never have a second spare in my week: I'm up all night with the baby, then I look after him five days a week and work the other two days as well as nights and weekends, and my ex, who has five whole days to earn a decent wage chooses instead to sit on his **** doing nothing for 99 percent of the time.

I'm becoming sort of obsessed by it. I can't move on past the unfairness of it all and it's turning me into this bitter, angry, horrible person. I worry that as my DS gets older, mummy is just going to be the harassed, miserable, overworked and overtired one, while daddy is always going to be so refreshed and chirpy and full of fun - because he basically has nothing to concern himself with except playing with his son! I would love to have the option of just playing all day too - but someone has to earn a decent income!

How can I learn to realise that I will never change the situation, and stop letting it eat me up so much? I hate this bitter person I've become.

[Lirael]

I know how frustrating it is, i will come back later and reply properly, but right now the kids are going mental

look at it this way- i get 5 dolllars a week. and very rarely does it actually get paid.

[rosebaby]

Oh I know how that feels - we do it "privately" as opposed to through the CSA, but I have to beg and nag and harass him for it every week. We tried having him just buy things for DS as needs and my GOD. What a disaster. I once had to ask for ten days for a pack of nappies. All the nagging on my part is just another thing that makes mummy seem irritable and not fun to be around. I just HAVE to learn to be more zen about it all - he will never change, I just have to train myself to accept it or I'm going to be angry and resentful for the rest of my life. :(

[Lirael]

Oh I know how that feels - we do it "privately" as opposed to through the CSA, but I have to beg and nag and harass him for it every week. We tried having him just buy things for DS as needs and my GOD. What a disaster. I once had to ask for ten days for a pack of nappies. All the nagging on my part is just another thing that makes mummy seem irritable and not fun to be around. I just HAVE to learn to be more zen about it all - he will never change, I just have to train myself to accept it or I'm going to be angry and resentful for the rest of my life. :(

go throuh child support. it is really easier, especially if he is an @ss hole and wont pay oyu on time

[rosebaby]

I can't, because he doesn't declare any of his income, so they wouldn't make him pay even $50. Of course, I could do him for tax fraud, but that's just getting too nasty. He IS my baby's Dad, he is an EXCELLENT dad in terms of the love and attention he gives the baby (as well he should do - he has enough time on his hands) - he's just HOPELESS.

[kiah]

I can't, because he doesn't declare any of his income, so they wouldn't make him pay even $50. Of course, I could do him for tax fraud, but that's just getting too nasty. He IS my baby's Dad, he is an EXCELLENT dad in terms of the love and attention he gives the baby (as well he should do - he has enough time on his hands) - he's just HOPELESS.

take what u can get hun.....if hes a good dad thats great...see the positives...heaps of my friends recieve $5 a week and hav no interaction from the dads....if u really r hung up about it then dob him in for tax fraud.....it could b worse....$50 is a lot moe than some see....

but hugs to u for being a single mum....it is tough:hugs:

[rosebaby]

Very true. It could be a LOT worse. I guess it just sucks because he paints himself as this perfect, irreproachable father: all his family think he works his fingers to the bone day and night to support my DS. And the reality is just so different. But my family and friends know the truth and it's strangely therapeutic banging things out to strangers on a web forum :D

[kiah]

Very true. It could be a LOT worse. I guess it just sucks because he paints himself as this perfect, irreproachable father: all his family think he works his fingers to the bone day and night to support my DS. And the reality is just so different. But my family and friends know the truth and it's strangely therapeutic banging things out to strangers on a web forum :D

u will know the truth and the people that count...he has to live with it...keep a diary on what u do for your bub....show him one day...he will respect u...and what u hav sacrificed...u cant buy that....

by the way...very good attitude...:hugs:

[rosebaby]

by the way...very good attitude...:hugs:

Oh no, it SOUNDS like I have a good attitude when I talk about it on paper, but in reality I spend half my time being bitter and resentful. I am really trying to hard to learn to be a more accepting person - absolutely no one wins when I let myself get upset about it. Deep breaths, deeeep breaths :yes:

[Lirael]

ok so who came up with the amount of $50 a week?

[immy]

Oh your poor thing. Sounds like my ex, maybe they should have coffee and compare notes, lol. I ended up having to go thru CSA it's alot easier but I understand you can't do that in your situation. Sometimes you have to get tough. Have a good think about everything and put your child and yourself first and hopefully you might decide what is best to do, that's what I did in the end. Wish you luck!!!!

[rosebaby]

ok so who came up with the amount of $50 a week?


Don't really know. We just settled on it. He claims he can't afford more than that. It just seemed like a round, simple number. I think I was too sleep deprived to think more about it. I have checked on the CSA calculator though, and this amount is about right.

I just WISH he'd get a real job so he could properly shoulder his side of the financial burden! Throughout my life I've had periods of employment difficulties and during those times I waited tables, did filing, delivered pizzas. And I was never, ever ashamed of that - to me an honest day's work is always something to be admired, no matter what it is. But my ex would always think he is too good to do something like that. I really hope my DS doesn't follow his example.

[Jodiee]

PLEASE dont think Im being nasty,

BUT: his $50 plus your $50 plus the benefits from centrelink, surely thats enough to raise him? IYKWIM, Im truley not being nasty..

The way its seen is that the payee isnt the one to support the child entirely, but to pay half the expenses less the benefits.

But in saying that, also, surely if he only works 1 day a week, and you need more $ to support DS, why cant he get another 'client', so he works 2 days a week..

[rosebaby]

PLEASE dont think Im being nasty,

BUT: his $50 plus your $50 plus the benefits from centrelink, surely thats enough to raise him? IYKWIM, Im truley not being nasty..

The way its seen is that the payee isnt the one to support the child entirely, but to pay half the expenses less the benefits.

I do understand what you're saying. And don't get me wrong - my little boy is doing fine. I don't actually claim benefits because I don't believe I should take money from the system when I still work, and earn pretty good money, so we'll both be ok (although I'm beginning to have second thoughts about this - it would be nice not to be forced to work QUITE so hard). It's more the principle of the thing. I have been raised to believe that hard work is really important. And in my mind, if you have five days spare in which to DO work, you should be able to work hard and earn a better life for your baby.

He truly believes that he shouldn't have to work more. His whole family does - they think it's ok to just sit at home and do nothing, and work the bare minimum to get by. Whereas I think hard work is really important virtue.

But you bring up a very good point - and that is that even though the balance is unfair, and a father who believes he is a good father should be thinking more of his baby's future than how many hours of TV he can squeeze into a day, the fact is neither me or my DS are starving - and there are many mums worse off than me. And I don't think you're being nasty at all - it does me good to be reminded of that :hugs:

[Lirael]

well sorry to say this, but you have no rights over the money.there is nothing saying he has to pay you. surely centerlink would have told you to go to CSA, they wont pay you unless you claim child support.
if it turns out that you wont get much from him after going through CSA centerlink will make up for what you lose in child support. please tell me you kept reciepts.

I dont want to sound nasty, and I realise i am a little bit, but he is your ex for a reason. he seems unreliable and untrustworthy. do yourself a favour and contact CSA.

[Lirael]

I do understand what you're saying. And don't get me wrong - my little boy is doing fine. I don't actually claim benefits because I don't believe I should take money from the system when I still work, and earn pretty good money,


ok, sorry, this is gonna be straight to the point here i dont want to upset you, but


what is the problem then? if you have enough money who cares if he pays you or not. he is obviously very childish and selfish. why do you care about what he does for a living? your not together anymore, try not to involve yourself more than needed or it will cause you hassle. you cannot change him, or that he is lazy etc. stop giving yourself such a hard time.

you need to get in contact with child support, dont go trying to do it yourself, you want something 'legal' to go by. you may find that if you get CSA to do it he will actually have no problems paying.
tell them all you know about him working. they will find a way to get the money off him.

[nelly75]

Hi, it sounds to me that you don't care so much about the money but about his attitude to contributing financially to his son as well as emotionally.
I think you're right to be concerned, what's going to happen when you're child starts school and starts asking to go to the movies, and play centres and swimming and all those little extras that cost so much but you don't really think of until later.
He sounds like he is having a great time working one day a week and getting to spend lots of time with his son but where's his sense of responsibility??
I think you really need to sit down with him with a big list of all the things you buy for your baby and how much everything costs so he can see for himself that $50 just doesn't cut it and he is letting his son down by being this way.
Good luck!!