It's all resolved

[FOURtunate]

Hi to everybody :wave:

As you know I've been absent from this section for a long time. Well I'm back and ready to contribute my experience as a Donor.

I have had many months of confusion and heartache following my EPU. Unfortunately things did not quite turn out as I had hoped with my IP's. However we stuck to our decision to keep in contact.

Tis morning I made the decision to cease contact with my IP's, permanently. I knew that this was what they wanted. And I know now that it's what I want and need.

It was hard. I had to send an email as we were having problems with timing our phone calls. I expressed my thoughts, and promised to phone tonight. I have just got off the phone, and feel a little sad at how relieved she was about my decision. Don't get me wrong. It certainly made alot easier that she was happy. But I also wonder whether if she had been secetly hoping for this all along. Whether any of it was real. I'll never know.

I have asked to be notified of the birth. And then no contact after that. I will not be available to the child in the future as it will just be too hard on my own children. And on myself, and my relationship with my Husband.

So, yes I am back here for good now. I hope that I can provide some insight into ED!

:thumbsup:

[xkwzit]

Hi FOURtunate
I'm glad to see you back. I just want to tell you that I think that your are a very precious person for doing this and I wish there was more we could do to protect you lovely ladies from any negative experiences.

Cheers

[jo-anne.36]

hello fourtunate welcome back a lot has happen since you have been gone and lots to catch up on to well iam sorry about your ips and how it has turn out well just think she has missed out on along time friend ship with you, just remeber that you did your best to your ips and your give them the greats gift any one could every get what gorgeous person you are :hugs: jojo

[Funkychicken]

You and your husband are amazing people to have done what you have done. I am in awe of your strength and hope you can be an inspiration to all considering going through the donation journey. :yelclap:

[leisurly]

Dear Michelle

It is lovely to see you back, I hope that you, your daughter and family will be able to move on from this. It can be such a cruel world when all you want to do is help someone and then feel that a true friendship and bond has been created, just to be left wondering if it was all a myth.

I'm glad I have had been able to know you, you have been so wonderful to me, and your support amazing and kindness.

Wishing you all the best, if you ever need to chat just pm me and I'll call you.

Lesleyx

[hoping123]

Hi hun it's great to see you back. you are such a wonderful person for doing what you have for this woman and I hope she appreciates it. I hope you and you family had a very happy christmas and look forward to chatting to you again. We have missed you.xx

[wa mum of 4]

Dearest Michelle,

I am glad you have come to a decision that you feel somewhat comfortable with.:thumbsup:
I deffinatly feel for you and have an idea of what you are going through.:gloomy:
I am however very disappointed with your IP's, they have made it difficult for you to progress and placed negativity on the whole donor journey.

So long as you are happy and in a situation you feel comfortable that is all that matters to us.
Glad to have you back as you experience is very valuable to others going through the journey.

Big :hugs:
Sarah

[sarahstarfish]

Hey Sweet

I haven't been around to follow the most recent episodes of your journey but sounds very traumatic, you sound completely shattered. It's such a lot to go through for someone else and just so very unfortunate that your IPs don't have their heads in the right place to treat you respectfully and honour the original decisions you made together - I am so sorry to hear it has all gone pear-shaped, sorrier still for the person to be who will ultimately wear the fall-out of their parents not being able to accomodate you as donor. Here's hoping they will be comfortable letting their child know their story at least.

Re not being contactable in the future, the chances are that's not going to be achievable as you will have signed legal documents to allow the clinic to give any people born your details....is something that has been found to be so important to donor concieved people, as with adopted people. Have you spoken with the clinic about this latest development...not that I'm one to force the counselling issue but sometimes it does help, and it is their responsibility to ensure YOU are OK.

Hang in there - wishing you time and space and peace for some well needed healing. Please don't stop being your generous and caring self because someone with huge issues to deal with treated you badly....you WILL bounce back and see that your IPs have made some bad choices trying to deal with a huge number of enormous issues in their lives and doing whatever it is that helps them cope at the moment.

Hugs to all of you, and just be gentle on yourself girl. You did a wonderful thing in good faith and that hasnt' changed one little bit.

Love

Cindy

[anna19]

hi luv

like cindy i am trying to catch up as i have been away for awhile as well,but i am so glad you are back and also that you have made a dicission and i hope every thing works out well

take care talk to you soon
anna19

[FOURtunate]

At times I wonder whether I did the right thing donating my eggs.

There are days when I wake up, after a sleepless night and wish I could take back the last 8 months. Some days I feel like I'm in a nightmare that will last me the rest of my life.

But then there are days when I think that I have done something so wonderful in creating human life. I do feel as though I have given away a big part of myself. I wish that I had given that part of myself to someone I knew better.

But I guess life is full of these complicated situations and you just have to make the best of it.

I have learned alot. But I have also lost so much faith and trust. And there is absolutely no innocence left in me. I've definitely grown up.

[RoarsomeMum]

Fortunate, thank you so much for being the provider of some-ones Dreams. What a special and amazing gift. So many :hugs: 's for doing that. And for comming back here to help others be more prepared/understand what they may feel/go through.

Amazing, any and all of you who have, or have even concidered Egg donation.:yes:

[leisurly]

Hi Michelle

I don't know what to say except that it isn't about growing up it is about being floored, and I feel so much sadness for you, as I know exactly how you are feeling.

I don't know what it was that changed me but I know that you describe everything I've felt and it makes you so much more aware of injustice, and I supose somewhat synical, I wish I could go back to my carefree nieve way when life seemed so simple. I don't know how to make it all right because I haven't managed it myself.

I think you must hold on to why you donated and that you had done it for a selfless reason, your decision to remain in contact was what you believed is right for any child who will ultimately know their origins and I have to a agree with you, the turn of events has thrown your own principles out of the window. Is there anyway you can talk with someone who has done an anonymous donation so that you can have their opinion on coping without contact.

Lxx

[ally38]

Hi Michelle
Ive followed your story from the beginning and I'm so sorry it has ended up being such a painful negative experience for you, your a wonderful generous compassionate woman and you don't deserve what has happened to you.
I remember your excitement and enthusiasm when you found your recipient and started your DE cycle and to think its ended up this way is awful, its heartbreaking to read the sad tone of your posts. I hope your able to heal yourself and move on, I also hope this is possible for your recipeint so that maybe you'll be able to have a positive relationship in the future with her and the child.
I want to thank you for sharing your feelings with us, I think its just so important so that others can learn from your experience, I know I have. Ive taken some extra time to examine my feelings just so I can be sure this is right thing for my family.
Please take care ally

[hoping123]

i'm so sorry you have has such a bad experience fourtunate. People like your ip's make it so much harder for us couples who are still searching for our donors. I cannot understand how thier minds work. You have given them such a wonderful gift that without you they would never of had. Thankyou for your genourosity. You are a remarkable woman.:hugs:

[FOURtunate]

For the last week I have been trying unsuccessfuly to get in contact with my IP's. They have ofered me further counselling. So far, I have been seeing a counsellor on my own. It's costing a fortune, but it's really helping me to let go. And to accept the new situation.

I know I'm probably being paranoid, but I feel as though I'm being "phased out". If they'd missed a call from me 4 months ago, they would have got straight back to me.

Anyway. I really don't want to put anyone off Egg Donation. If you get lucky with your IP's, things can be amazing. You just need to be prepared for it all to blow up in your face as soon as EPU, like in my case.

Don't go into ED without knowing exactly what you are to your IP's. You are fulfilling a need that they have. Once they have what they need, you need to be prepared for what is to come. It's so common. I have been in contact with many Egg Donors who feel cast aside.

[leisurly]

Hi Michelle

I think that often there is a let down feeling after donation, and there does seem to be less contact than maybe the donors were hoping, on AED a recipient feels the same where she hoped the relationship would continue but didn't, though I think it is very much more in the opposite direction, partly maybe because recipients are trying to ensure they feel a full bonding for the child.

Whats makes your situation different, it that is isn't just less than you expected, it was the fact a strong relationship built that included your daughter, only to find this was what appears a calculated 'Act' and the sudden change of attitude on the day of EPU would make your situation so much more painful and rightly so. This was a calculated and cold deception, that built up a relationship that you believed in and now only appears to be a drive to give you all that you wanted in order for you to give what they wanted and once thay got that you were surplus to requirements. I hope they can live with themselves, not only have they shattered your trust in human nature, they have prevented others in their situation from having you as a dear friend and a the possibility of a child as you would have donated again. I wonder if part of there approach was also to prevent that possibility occuring as they seem so very very selfish

Sorry I'm ranting but this has been brewing for a long time now

Lxx

[kandd]

Hi Michelle,

I have read your story over the last months.

I can't tell you how disturbed I am and how angry it makes me that something like this has happened to you. Your gift of donorship was a most kind and generous act for which you have been treated most unjustly.

I am currently on the journey of donorship. Neither DH or I can imagine treating our donor with such disrespect - in fact we both live with the fear that in someway the journey we are taking may cause her pain. Her safety now and after the donorship both physically and mentally are for us, our greatest concern. We have a very close relationship with her and her family and its maintenance is of the utmost importance to us.

I have struggled with how your recipients have reacted. Before approaching anyone to be a donor my DH and I did a great deal of soul searching regarding the whole matter as to how we would feel if we were lucky enough to have a child and interaction with the donor. We decided for us that contact was very important and that we perceive our donor and her family as a special - extended family. I can only imagine that your recipients went through a similar process.

I don't understand why your recipients acted this way - maybe it was their intent all along or maybe it was something else.

What I do understand is that you feel a great deal of pain and rejection. For this I can only offer you my support. I hope that one day soon you will be able to move into a space where you are at peace with what you have done.

Your experience has affected me greatly (here I can only speak from the recipients perspective). I personally have revisited my soul searching and made a promise to myself to take even greater care to ensure the safety of our donor. I know to that other recipients feel the same way.

Best wishes in finding your peace.
Diana :hugs:

[Thinking_about_it]

Hi Michelle

Like everyone else I have been disturbed and horrified at the way you have been treated by your IP's. To have been so blatantly used and then discarded when you were no longer needed, well, words fail me.

I do want to thank you though for sharing your journey with us, warts and all, as it is important for all to know the pitfalls as well as the joys of donating and receiving. As you have said, if you get lucky with your IP's, then things can be amazing. However as you have also said, you need to be prepared for it all to go pear shaped as well. So my point is that you have given us all a gift, not only to your IP's but also to us donors, to go into it with eyes wide open, not with rose coloured glasses. I guess life is like that, and sometimes things don't turn out the way you intended, and I'm very very grateful to you for sharing with us.

As for me, I have just completed my first donation to IP's that I found here on Bubhub and the entire experience has been nothing short of amazing. Tomorrow is BT and I am waiting as anxiously as the IP's for the result. They are such fantastic people that I have already said that I will donate for them as many times as it takes to get their family.

So thanks again for sharing with us, I hope it helps you in some small way to know that you have helped us all. Donating can be, and has been for me, a fantastic experience, but we should also realize that we should remain realistic about the pros and cons.

:hugs:

Megan

[hoping123]

People like your ip's make me so angry. don't they realise what a pecious gift you have given them.:banghead:

[allifour]

Hi I am new to this site. Have been reading all posts for hours. Yours has touched my heart. I am about to embark on the egg donor experience - starting 6/9 with injections. How do I protect myself from being crushed like you? I do see egg donation as doing something incredibly wonderful for someone who is desperate to have what I have been so fortunate to achieve easily. I do not know my IPs that well but they seem lovely. I realise that it is not/will not be my child and I do not want to take anything away from them. From our conversations I have asked to be updated as to things that are happening - is that too much to ask? They have agreed wholeheartedly - is it quite possible that they will change their minds? Does this happen often? I feel that it is important to know something for not my sake but for my 4 children's sake - I see it as an egg that I have given to create a life but ultimately it will be related to my children. What are your thoughts - I am really worried now.

[Thinking_about_it]

Hi Allifour, I just wanted to say - don't panic! I got a little worried too when I read of Fourtunate's experience but ultimately (and I really really really dont mean to offend any other donors out there) I think it comes down to a matter of expectations being too high. If a relationship develops then that's cool, and if it doesn't then that's cool too. I donated my eggs and I want to let my IP's get on with the business of being parents, I don't want the gift to come with any strings or for us to become an extended family. I did ask for a yearly update and photo though.

I think that Fourtunate's case was particularly bad because they had become very close in the lead-up to EPU and then she got very badly "dumped" afterwards. I'm sure that this is definitely not a typical experience, and that 99% of relationships between donor and IP go well.

Congratulations on deciding to donate, it is a fantastic thing that you are doing, and you will feel very good for having done it.

[kandd]

Hi Allifour,

I think that this situation is a little out of the ordinary.

If you have been browsing thru this entire section you may have also seen some other disturbiting posts from a lady using the name Celebrity. This is the same person as Fourtunate - she changed her user name.

You will see that after the birth of her recipients child she was extremely upset. In one post she refers to the donor child as if it is biologically related, a sibling to her children, that her husband is the stepfather, and that the child is the grand daughter, the niece etc of the extended family.

Without hearing two sides of the story it will always be hard to know what went wrong.... However, these words cause me great concern. The donor/recipient relationship as you would have discovered thru your counselling should not be viewed in this way and perhaps this lady had much too high expectations of what the relationship should be.

Diana xx