The Cruel Wait...

[Pebbles]

Well I know some of you have followed my story over the past couple of weeks knowing that yesterday I had a scan to see if my baby has a heartbeat, that last week was the worst of my life. When I saw that heartbeat I thought that nothing could get me down... I was wrong.
My happiness yesterday was short lived. I had a blood test after my scan and late in the arvo the doctor from my FS office rang and said that my baby is going to die. My oestorgen has dropped and my HGC only went up to 4100 from 3400.
My DH keeps saying "its ok babe, he is going to be ok" this is his way of dealing with it but I know that its gonna take a miricle of all miricles to save my little one now.
And the worst thing is there is nothing I can do. If I had a miscarriage I could handle that, I could grieve and move on but my baby is still alive. I know that he is going to die, now I just gotta sit back and wait for it to happen.
Life is so unfair. Of all the cruelest things in the world for me to have to do. After over a year of 'trying' and then finding out I have PCOS and having to go on fertility treatment I thought my run of bad luck had finally ended the day I got my BFP but it hadnt.
Now I am in limbo. The small signs of pregnancy that I have are still there so to me I am still pregnant. Which I guess is true, as far as I know my baby is still alive. So part of me will hold on to the hope that a miricle will save him but deep down I know that wont happen.
My brain is telling me to let go but my heart wont let me, so for now I just wait....

[4tiggers]

Pebbles, I am sorry that you and dh are going through this. After needles, and meds and going under for egg collection, I too thought my bad luck was finished when we got out a BFP. First scan everything was great, 2nd scan no heartbeat. I felt like you, no bleeding or cramping, still felt pregnant but new that the baby had died. I started to miscarry two days before christmas. :gloomy: The worst part was the time that I knew the dr was right but prayed that maybe the baby was hidden or one had died but the other was behind it ( I had 2 embies put back). When I started bleeding I knew it was over and was able to grieve properly for what was lost. It has taken me a while, I planted a small white rose to remember the bubs and am now focusing on 2007. The hardest time is what you are experiencing now, still pregnant but for how long. My dh said the same thing, it will be okay. He then wrote me a huge letter explaining what he felt and couldnt say, unfortunatly ivf had been a huge strain for him and he has doubts of doing it again( I hope he changes his mind it is our only way of having a baby). Love your baby for the short time you are blessed to carry him/her and when bubs is gone you know the angels have taken him to play with the stars. I know it doesnt ease the sadness or sence of loss, only time and allowing yourself to cry, shout feel angry, whatever you need.

[mumoftwoboys2005]

Pebbles, I am sorry to hear your news. It is very hard when you don't know when it will happen. Just keep your chin up. Talk to DH. He's probably feeling just like you but it's a boy thing and they can't talk about their feelings. :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :kiss: to you.

Jo.

[Aquamarine]

So sorry to hear! My thoughts are with you and your little one!

[Pebbles]

Fourboys - Thank you for your kind words. I dont think I have ever felt the sadness I feel right now. Crying is all I have done since yesterday arvo. I want to be angry instead but anger hasnt come yet.
My DH and I have had a similar conversation, he wants to try again straight away but I am reluctant to go through fertility treatment again.
Its not the same as IVF but Clomid knocked me around a little, I know I could handle it but now that I have (almost) had one miscarriage I would be even more scared of it happening again.
I will never forget the look on my DS's face when I told him that our baby is going away. He asked "Where is he going?" and I said "He is going to Heaven darling" his little eyes filled with tears and he says "When will he come back?" I couldnt answer, my heart broke all over again. DS found out by accident and it kills me that he has to go through this pain with us.

[MilkOnTap]

Pebbles I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. Its not until you experience that loss that you realise how nieve we are to believe that two lines on a pee-stick dont necessarily result in a baby :(

I've experienced that same feeling twice before; and once before I've had prior knowledge that the baby that was in me wouldn't survive - that lasted for 2 weeks until anything happened.

I think it makes it so much harder when you know that your baby is still there; and still alive 'right now' that the thought of it going to heaven before you do breaks your heart.

Please take some time out for yourself. Dont be hard on yourself and if you need to keep on crying - then keep on crying. Do whatever you need to get through this time and know that we are all here for you too. If you would like to chat please PM me :hugs:

[Pebbles]

Thanks for all your support and advice girls, it means alot.
I feel very alone, I know my DH is going through this too but for now he wont accept that our baby is gone until he is actually gone.
I see the tears in his eyes but he wont talk about it, he is not ready and I cant push him to be ready so I have to wait for him to open up when the time is right.
So for now I wait alone, knowing what awaits and knowing I cant stop it.
I never thought one human being had so many tears! Right now it feels like I will never stop crying.

[bronny-jane]

I know my DH is going through this too but for now he wont accept that our baby is gone until he is actually gone.


im sorry to hear about your news...i think like your husband.....after my bleed with zoe my levels dropped from over 100,000 to around 30,000......i was told that i would m/c her by the doctors...just to wait...i refused to believe it....

i know in my case i was extremly lucky, but i see where your dh is coming from.

i hope you get a miricle......:fingerscrossed:

i hope you both find peace in each other too, no matter how it turns out...

[ziggie]

Oh Pebbles, I'm so sorry you & your DH are hurting. I'm thinking of you :hugs:

[jcb]

Pebbles, My heart goes out to you sweetie....The saddness you are going through is normal...I myself had the same saddness in Oct when I found out I had a ectopic pregs.....You DH is right there is still hope so as sad as it is right now, don't give up just yet there is still that chance that everything is alright....I am here anytime you want to talk....
:hugs::kiss:...

[damien's mum]

:hugs: I'm really sorry to hear the bad news... I am thinking of you and dh and praying that you get your miracle... :fingerscrossed:

[Livy]

Pebbles - sending you and your dh millions of :hugs: I am so sorry about the news you were given.

But there are such things as miracles - and I hope and pray that one will be yours.

Thinking of you both.

Liv
xo :hugs: :hugs:

[4tiggers]

Pebbles, I know what you mean about the tears. I have never cried so hard or so much or so alone, dh just was not strong enough to go through this with me. The ladies at bubhub know more about the pain than he does (not his fault, he is a mans man and to cry would admit weakness) I got to the point were even though the sadness was over whelming, I was too exhausted to shed another tear, I just couldnt cry anymore. All I can say from recent experience is that from this low you can never imagine emerging, you will rise and feel strong and resilient. Your very special boy will help you to do that, they are amazing.

[Pebbles]

Thanks for all the kind thoughts.
Yes Fourboys you are right, my DS is stronger than I thought.
I dont think there is any tears left inside me. I am so tired from sobbing that I think I will sleep until 2007.
I really just didnt want to start off my new year in such a bad way but there is not much I can do about that, I will move on when the time is right and maybe we will try again.

[Tan-mumof3]

Pebbles im so sorry for what your going through and feeling atm, i have never been in your situation and don't really know how you are feeling or what to say i just wanted to say sorry and im thinking of you, :fingerscrossed: your bubba is alittle fighter and pulls through for you. :hugs:

[Viva]

Pebbles - My DH and I read your story and our hearts just leaped out for you and your family !

We send you all our love and blessings
:hugs:

[OverTheMoon]

Pebbles, i am so sorry to hear your sad news. Sending many :hugs: and :kiss: your way.

[little mermaid]

My thoughts are with you, you DH and DS.:hugs:

[Briannabear]

Im so sorry to hear this Pebbles. :crying:
Huge hugs for your family in this tough time. :hugs: :(

[Queen]

Pebbles, my heart and arms reach out to you, and I hope you get your little miracle..:fingerscrossed: :hugs: :hugs: Sending all of my postive energy and love to help you through your time of need...May things only get better xoxoxoxoxo

[ButterflyMama]

I'm thinking of you.. you're in my prayers. :hugs:

[Jinglebells]

:hugs: pebbles, i'm so sorry to hear your going through this, I too have been through this many times, and its really hard the waiting, cry as much as you want, if you ever want someone to talk to feel free to pm me

my thoughts are with your and your family

:hugs: :kiss:

[Secretive]

I am so sorry Pebbles :hugs:

[marcelsmum]

pebbles- Honey :hugs: for you, You know we are here for you, Please know that so many of us have been exactly where you are, we know what you are feeling.

If you need to PM me and let out your feeelings please know I am always available to talk and cry.

I know the horrible wait is the worst, and I
struggled with the war between heart and mind as well......

Love to you during this hard time.....

[Kimee]

I'm so sorry Pebbles that you recieved this sad news. My heart and prayers are with you, your baby and your family.

Nothing anyone can say will make it better or take the pain away but know that we are all here for you...

I'm praying hard for a miracle :hugs:

[bec77]

I am so sorry to hear of your hard time that you are going through. I too am praying for a miracle for you :fingerscrossed: .
I too have been in a similar situation where I had to wait for bub to survive or move on and it was absolute agony, take the time to heal, everyone is different, I could not face trying again for another bub for 6 months as I did not feel that I could hande the sadness if anything happened to another bub.
You need to be ready yourself and to do that you need to heal.
Goodluck wth getting that miracle, i am thinking of you :kiss:

[sun1305]

pebbles - my heart goes out to you, i won't pretend to understand to know what you are going through but i feel deeply sad for you

stay strong, you can


:hugs: sun

[Kizmet]

oh hun im so sorry for u to hae to go through this :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

[Tls5431]

Hi Pebbles

I'm sorry to hear this. Take the time that you need to grieve and heal.