Polar opposites in parenting

[bekkyboo]

Last night it has become clear (as i was railroaded by J and the in-laws) that we both have very strong - opposite views on getting G to sleep.

I cant and wont let him cry

J seems to think it is ok to let him cry himself to sleep.

As many times as i have told him that that is cruel - he fights back with "My parents did it - and i bet yours did too" - Uhhhh - NO.... My mother didnt even practice CC as she says "they are crying for a reason".

He told me that if i continue to cuddle him to sleep (and create bad habits) than 1. he wont help with bedtimes 2. He doesnt want to even be home during it (these were said in argument...

Im stuck. He pointed out that "I am his father, even if you wish i wasnt" - More so that i could parent as i wished without objection he means... I dont want to do CC even - but i need some facts to give him againist letting G cry to sleep. I need to be able to prove what i believe - so this is where you guys come in.

I know that this is just a stage - and heck - he wont be a baby forever - im actually enjoying the close bond that we have developed since this started (he needs his mummy, and has my shirt from the day to sleep with for smell, when we get him up in the morning he is snuggling on to it tight)...

I just need some facts. I hate that we cant aggree on this - but we are at the opposite sides of the spectrum on it...

[jojojonsey]

I found a couple of articles...

I remember reading the first one while waiting for my middi appointment and thinking -thank goodness - some sense. The last link I thought was interesting as it was an article about The Australian Association for Infant Mental Health (AAIMHI) concerns about the widely practiced technique of "controlled crying".

http://www.sciencealert.com.au/pick-up-your-crying-baby.html

http://www.earlychildhoodaustralia.org.au/learning_about_babies_and_toddlers/babies/crying_and_settling.html

http://www.earlychildhoodaustralia.org.au/early_childhood_news/april_2003_controlled_crying_aaimhi_position_paper .html

I hope these help in some way. :)

[*My Lil Blondie*]

please enjoy the cuddling to sleep while you can!!!'

i loved rocking Brodie to sleep, dh did too.

then one night he was just fighting it so hard (he had never screamed, kicked or cryed like this before) so we decided we'd put him into his cot but wouldnt let him cry for more than 15secs.

so anyway as soon as his head went to the mattress he was instantly asleep! he hasnt let us rock him to sleep since! as soon as 7pm comes around we put him in bed with his blanki and dummy, give about 1,000 kisses each and leave the room. 2 secs later hes asleep.


its so sad realising our little man isnt a baby anymore. i really miss patting him to sleep:(

enjoy it while it lasts....

[Shanaynay]

Hi Bekky,
I have no advice for you as to what to tell your DH etc... but I just wanted to let you know I'm in the same position. My DH is a great dad but approaches many aspects of parenting soooooo differently to me - sometimes stomping on some of my core beliefs :crying:
I guess he is just doing what his parents did with him but it is really hard. Oh, and E is in the "I want my mummy" stage, and I love it! There is nothing on this earth better than knowing it's only MY shoulder she'll fall asleep on :hugs:

[bekkyboo]

Thanks Zoe - I keep telling J its a stage...

G went down first without a fight, then woke and is back in fight mode. J is out still so I am doing the best i can...

[reAllytee]

Dont worry my DP was often the same too with letting Boof cry & he still does every now & then fair enough mostly he is just throwing a tanty lol but still it irks me.
He has gotten heaps better now especially since ive been sick with this pregnancy its like this instinct has hit him its awesome !
But i do also have to say that even though i wouldnt let Boof cry especially as a newborn neither did he mostly & when my MIL would say we are "spoiling" him by picking him up when he cried !!!! Yeah cause you can so easily spoil a newborn :rolleyes: He would always stand up to her saying " we dont let him cry nor will we ever ! "

[the_queen]

Bek :hugs: Listen, this is where you need to get really strong and stand up for what you believe. You are the mumma. You do what you believe is best.
Learn to either a) bombard them with information backing up your beliefs; or b) give them the "don't-****-with-me" face.
My husband was/is just the same, and it proved to me how detached he was from our kids. You stand up to J and make HIM justify his beleifs. If his whole argument is "My mum did it and I'm ok" then HE is the one who needs a better argument! He might be "ok" but actually it has turned him into someone who thinks that CC is acceptable!! And for him to threaten that he won't help, that just tells me that he's looking for an excuse not to help, IYKWIM.

It sounds like I'm being really harsh on J, I just realised :o Actually, for him to say "I'm his father, even if you wish I wasn't" That tells me that he has got some emotional stuff surrounding co-parenting... perhaps you and he should sit down with a pen and paper, and decide together what your joint parenting philosophy is. Discuss different parenting books/websites/shows that you've both read/watched, and if he read something that shaped his parenting style, then you should read it too (and vice versa).

Honestly, you need to get this sorted very soon, because even very young kids pick up on this kind of thing. It's normal for kids to "play up" when their parents disagree - because it's confusing for littlies. Imagine if one police officer pulled you over for driving without your lights on, and then another pulled you over for driving with your lights on - you wouldn't know which rule to follow.

My favourite parenting website is http://www.askdrsears.com
and they have a new book out, Father's First Steps (http://www.askdrsears.com/store/detail.asp?pid=36) written by 2 Dr Sears' (:D father and son) who are both fathers, and both paediatricians. Men seem to listen to "professionals" I think.
Here (http://www.askdrsears.com/html/7/T070100.asp)is the page about sleeping issues.

:kiss: Hope I've been some help, lovey.

[LucyE]

It's very difficult when the parents can't agree on parenting philosophies :( My DH's family is very pro CCing and basically not at all AP/NP the way I am. The comments about breastfeeding, cloth nappying etc is a whole other vent! I found that HONEST and open communication with DH was vital.

Before DS arrived, we both just assumed that our parenting style would be similar but it wasn't til after DS arrived and with the stress of sleepless nights and general parenting duties that we forgot to talk to each other and whenever we had an issue, 'discussions' would quickly spiral into an argument where a lot of nasty things were said even if they weren't really meant. It's difficult to find time to sit down in a calm manner to talk about these things (especially when all you want to do is sleep or do something for yourself in peace) but it is really important.

We got to the point where DH made a similar threat about his unwillingness to help me get DS to sleep without CC and I accepted. I felt so strongly against CC that I was willing to take on all the bedtime responsibilites myself. Unfortunately for DH, he missed out on some valuable bonding time with DS because of this. Eventually DH came around when I agreed to a timetable eg. if at 18 months (I don't actually remember the age) he still isn't self settling, I will agree to trying CC but until then we continue to use gentle methods. So maybe a compromise like that might work???

In our case, DH began to see the wonderful results the AP approach was having with DS and has since become a full hearted supporter LOL When we moved DS into his own bedroom just before he turned 2, DH actually missed having him in our room (side car set up next to our bed) and kept trying to bring DS into our bed only for DS to fight and say no! And now at around age 2.5 years, DS has started to go to sleep on his own :yelclap: He just takes his water bottle, says goodnight and trots off down the hallway to his own bed. This is only a recent thing so :fingerscrossed: that it continues. If it doesn't, no biggie because getting him to sleep now only requires some bedtime stories and lying with him for a few minutes until he falls asleep.

Sorry for rambling about my own situation...as for solid medical facts for either CC or not - there really hasn't been any proper studies done to be able to provide 'facts'. The AAIMHI paper is just a policy statement (as much as I agree with it) but in reality, there are some real ethical issues about doing studies on CC if it really does cause harm. Probably best off, couching 'sleep issues' as part of a whole parenting philosophy and getting your DH onside with that.

[bekkyboo]

We sat down and dicussed everything last night. There were some things that i wasnt really understanding on his behalf.

we now at a compromise (as i firmly believe that he should have equal say in how Garrett is brought up) - and we will now do a mix off CC and AP - where we dont stick to the 5-10-15, we will go in after 5 each time, and i am allowed to pick him up to comfort him... If after 30-hour of this not working, i am to comfort him via any means i please.

Queenie - J has other reasons than just how he was brought up. We noticed last night that it has become a problem - as G was almost asleep when we took him to bed - but half way up the hallway his eyes went wide and he started screamed when he knew were he was going.

Things settled using our method within 20min...

Mods - this thread can be closed now :) Thanks everyone for their input!

[xkwzit]

Hi Bekky
Glad you got the info you asked for and even happier that you and J have together come up with THE PLAN :thumbsup:. Hope it goes well for you.

Cheers