"you're making a rod for your own back!" and other annoying sayings...

[the_queen]

OK I'm kinda new to all this Attachment Parenting stuff. But I'm very enthusiastic, and the more I read about it, the more I think it just sounds logical and sensible!! So I'm going to give it a go with Chomper (due May 06). Have I got it right: "Peaceful birth, Babywearing, Co-Sleeping, Gentle Discipline, Extended Breastfeeding." ? I admit I will probably have pain releif (ie drugs) during the birth, and because my DH is a smoker (trying to gve up - for the last 5 years..) (and only smokes outside BTW) we can't co-sleep but I plan to have the cot in our room for as long as practicable. When the side of the cot is down, the mattress will be level with our bed so it's basically co-sleeping anyway, right?

Anyway, I'm not very forthright or confrontational, and I am not that good at sticking up for myself. Consequently, I'm finding that nearly everyone I know thinks that I will be making a big mistake!! Particularly with the "babywearing" part. I have been told countless times "you'll be making a rod for your own back" (whatever the heck THAT means!!) and "you'll spoil him" "you'll never get a moments peace" "you'll teach him that he's in charge" etc etc.

My question is, what can I say to these people that isn't rude, argumentative or insulting to their own style of parenting? I don't particularly want to "educate" them, or try to make them agree with me. And even though their own parenting style is completely unacceptable to me, I'm not one to tell other people how to raise their kids (not because I don't care, but because I don't like confrontation). But I don't want to put up with these ridiculous comments all the time! It makes me angry on the inside - and I feel like eventually I will say what I'm actually thinking: "Stop giving me advice, I would never ever want to be the kind of parent that YOU are!!" which is what I generally think, but I don't want to have no friends left!! HELP!

[cosmic]

Queenie, I'm like you and planning on doing all of the above. You've gone one step further than me if you've actually told people! I am so afraid of confrontation that I have kept my personal parenting philosophies to myself up to this point. :rolleyes:

I am sure if I mentioned co-sleeping I would have everyone telling me I'm bound to suffocate the baby. And when I mention drug-free birth, people just mock me most of the time as in, "oh yeah right! you'll be screaming for those drugs, just you wait".. :mad: It makes me so angry. If my friend has a goal, as I see it, I have 2 choices - I can offer them support and encouragement and tell them of my own experience in a HELPFUL way, or I can laugh, undermine their confidence and tell them all the reasons I couldn't do it (or chose not to) and hence why they'll NEVER be able to do it and are foolish for even considering it. Any decent person would never choose the latter if it had to do with any other goal in life (one would hope!) but for some reason people think it's ok with parenting. Why??

Anyhooo, back to your question. My plan is to be armed with as much info as I can so that when people say it's not good for the baby or for me, I can simply and calmly explain exactly why I have decided it is the best thing for me and my baby. Quoting statistics and research always works a treat because most people who will try to persuade you that another way is better have absolutely no evidence to back it up.

JanetF or Mimi will be here as quick as a flash I'm sure, to point us in the direction of loads of good info we can arm ourselves with.

C. :)

[LucyE]

I plan to have the cot in our room for as long as practicable. When the side of the cot is down, the mattress will be level with our bed so it's basically co-sleeping anyway, right? Sounds like what's known as a side-car arrangement. That's the beauty of AP, there are no hard and fast rules so you just do whatever feels right for you and your baby :)


I'm finding that nearly everyone I know thinks that I will be making a big mistake!! Particularly with the "babywearing" part But wait until you still manage to do the grocery shopping with a baby happily asleep 'on' you and you still have TWO free hands instead of trying to pacify an upset bub in those capsule thingies on shopping trolleys. I live in what I call a conservative (big) town and have had so many people come up to me and say what a marvellous invention my ring sling is because DS is so relaxed and calm in it. Aren't they surprised when I tell them that many cultures have been using them for centuries and there are no royalties or patents to pay for!


My question is, what can I say to these people that isn't rude, argumentative or insulting to their own style of parenting? Don't bring up the topic or if someone else does, change the subject :p
I found my IL's and I have different styles of parenting and I didn't want to have to explain the reasoning behind every decision I made so I just stopped telling them what I was doing and just did it. An example is, my GMIL commented on how children 'need' to be smacked so (in many different conversations) I basically explained to her that I'm not totally against smacking, I just feel there are some more gentle preventative steps I can take before we need to resort to smacking. I then make reference to how our situations are different because I'm a SAHM while she worked fulltime while raising three children and was therefore under more stress. We've made it clear that only DH and I are to ever smack DS but no one else need know that we don't ever plan on actually doing it.
Another example is the fact my 18mth old DS is still breastfeeding. I'm sick to death of comments from the IL's about when I'm going to wean and how I'll be bfing him at the school gates. I just smile and tell them, if that's what DS wants, then that's okay with me and change the subject (again). It annoys them but I don't feel the need to justify my parenting decisions when they make loaded comments like that. If they asked why I'm continuing, I would be more than happy to explain all the benefits of extended breastfeeding, but they don't so I don't.
The other contentious isssue is cosleeping and they are shocked that we do it. I've never commented on it and I just ignore those raised eyebrow looks and snide remarks. It's no one else's business but DH and mine, what our sleeping arrangements are and who we share our bed with LOL.

I don't know if I've helped you at all, but I think parents (especially expectant new ones) must have a huge bullseye painted on them because we seem to get bombarded with advice from all these 'experts' (including uncle Bob who doesn't have any kids LOL) about what's best. No matter what choice you've made, I think you will always recieve some negative feedback. Do what feels right for your family and just ignore everyone else :)

[Rainbowbrite]

I only found out about Attachment Parenting after I had MJ, funny thing was I was doing it all anyway ;) I had a peaceful birth with only a little gas, absolutely LOVE babywearing, co-sleep most of the time when MJ's not in her cot right against the bed with the side off, & the longer i feed MJ the more I want to keep going :D

I've stopped telling anyone what i'm doing as the comments are just annoying. I think people fear what they don't know/understand. All we are doing is what mothers have been doing since the dawn of time.

Congrats to both Cosmic & the_queen for doing whats best for yourself & bub. Be strong ladies, your bubs will thank you :)

RB

[sasholi]

Hi there. I can't testify to much of AP styles as I learnt about it a little late (only a few months ago and my son is now nearly 8 months old) but we did the baby wearing thing from day dot. I have to say it was the best best thing we could have ever ever done.

I am involved in a mum's group and about 10 of us regularly meet (once a week) to get together, have a cup tea and 1 or 100 tim tams each! Some of us are AP while others have used CC and other "sleep training" methods. We are all very supportive of each other and really enjoy learning about each others methods and laughing at how nuts we were in the first few weeks (months???!!!) after birth!!

Ok, to the point:

Shamed to say I tried to "sleep train" bubs from day dot (yes, I DID make a rod for my own back with that!!!), other mums did with same success rates as me, and others with more success, while a couple of others co-slept, carried slept (in manner of baby-looking growth) during the day (while watching lots of Dr Phil!) , rocked to sleep and variations.

I have to say, me, and the others who tried to sleep train, have also had sleep difficulties with our bubs, while some whose bubs were cuddled to sleep LOTS AND LOTS in the first few months go to sleep without any problems, and many go to sleep independently on their own now without a peep...!

Each one of us has had our own problems and "sleeping through the night by week 8" just does not exist, except for those whose babies are just born that way, I'm afraid!!! (there is one in our group whose mum cuddled her to sleep for every single sleep since she was born and this little gem happened to sleep through the night from about 8 weeks of age - just happened!).

So it goes to show that just cuddling baby doesn't necessarily provide a rod for you back and in fact it has been proven to be so important and beneficial for baby (as opposed to leaving baby which can be damaging)

I wish I stumbled across AP earlier. But I try to make up for it now and have TOTALLY relaxed on the sleep routines etc. If bubs is tired but is having difficulties getting to sleep (ie just cries when I put him down) we get up, have cuddles, play with cat, bark like a dog (!) then feed to sleep (it really works!) and it's a no-cry solution to day time naps.

Anyway, good luck with everything ladies. Stick to what you believe is right. And remember, happy mum=happy baby. So you have to do what works for both of you. Love you little bundle when he/she comes out. They grow soooo fast and every single stage and moment is precious (even when it's difficult!!!).

Happy parenting!

[the_queen]

:D Thanks girls, you have made me feel positive about my parenting choices again!!

I get so self-doubtful (is that a word...) but I feel good that I have bubhub, where I can get support instead of discouragement (again, is that a word!!??)

:D

[JanetF]

This is really lovely :) Goes nicely with the thread on watchful parenting I put up a while ago :)


http://www.mothering.com/articles/body_soul/inspiration/giving_children_more.html

Unmet needs persist, met needs go away. It's not rocket surgery, Kimmy ;)

[our little treasures]

I am upfront and in your face kinda of parent my outlaws were always oh dont do this dont do that with ds I havent heard a thing!!
I breast feed wherever unless I have torn nipples (as I call them) and this is only cause I am in agony and dont want to scream!!

I babywear and reccomend it to everyone, at the start I got everything done and yes it is a godsend for shopping etc!!

I cosleep and always will it is beautiful waking up to a smiling face yes I love dh but he hardly wakes happy and smiling and I dont either..

I rocked sung and jiggled dd to sleep ds doesnt like to be rocked or sung to he likes to be held close to your heart and i walk from room to room or I just sit and talk he loves the voice!!!

If anyone dares comment I fire them down with factual info and just darn motherly love!! know noone comments you should have heard my sil cop a hard time for feeding lying in bed by my mother (who co slept and b/fed) well sil and i only have 6wks between kids and when mum mentioned it i said i do it all the time!! well never heard a thing about it since...
my dd never slept in her cot no lie.. she sleeps beautifully in her single bed and only comes in our room in early morning hrs....

i will implement the same fo ds but he prefers to sleep out of our arms but some days he just wants us and we feel very very loved and happy..

YOU wont see pnd in me as I love what I do as I mother with my heart not text book (written by childless or heartless people!!)