TTC problems and well meaning advice - VENT

[nicoleE]

Is it just me or does TTC make you so irrational that you cant even accept some lovely advice from a friend that is trying to make you feel better?

This was in an email from a male friend of DHs & mine... he is late 30s with one child who is about 1.5yrs old and was conceived 'accidently' on a drunken night with this then girlfriend (now wife)....

I feel you need to just go with it for a while so to speak and what happens happens

You guys are so young you have plenty of time on your side

If its this year good next year or the year after it doesn’t really matter babe

It will happen when its meant to one day


I know he means well and to a non TTCer (or a newbie) I think you wouldnt see anything wrong with what he is saying, he is genuinely concerned as he knows all about our fertility treatment etc and always asks how its going.

I just cant help but disagree with everything he says!... I cant just 'go with it' (my body dosnt do anything unless i seek treatment and with treatment comes the constant reminders), we are not that young, we are 28 and yes while that isnt old when you have problems conceiving and want many kids and age taking away your chances bit by bit i dont feel we have forever!... it matters a hell of allot to me if its this year, next or the year after!... and my fave (which i have had a few times before in a number of ways)... "it will happen when its meant to".. what dont i deserve it to happen now?...

:(

How can someones words that were written with 100% caring make me feel so bad!

Am i the only one like this? Are other people this sensitive?




feel better now :D

[EcstaticEm]

(Please excuse spelling!)
Your not alone Nicole.. That email would have jacked me too.. I would haev been hurt, Angry, confused, sad, and then just plain exausted.. Its such a tough struggle.. I just dont think that people who "accidently" have babies can understand the pain, hurt and dissapointment of cycle after cycle with no pregnancy. Its so easy to say "it will happen when the time is right" So freaking unhelpful.. Specially when that person had an "accidental" preg... How was teh timing right there???

You deserve a baby just as much as anyone.. It just does not seem to work on a "most worthy of motherhood" basis, does it...

Its so frustrating... I can only say, I agree with you and send you heaps of :hugs: 's and let you know your not alone in your frustration (though, sometimes, thats even more frustrating...)

XOXO
Em

[Kyles]

(Please excuse spelling!)
Your not alone Nicole.. That email would have jacked me too.. I would haev been hurt, Angry, confused, sad, and then just plain exausted.. Its such a tough struggle.. I just dont think that people who "accidently" have babies can understand the pain, hurt and dissapointment of cycle after cycle with no pregnancy. Its so easy to say "it will happen when the time is right" So freaking unhelpful.. Specially when that person had an "accidental" preg... How was teh timing right there???

You deserve a baby just as much as anyone.. It just does not seem to work on a "most worthy of motherhood" basis, does it...

Its so frustrating... I can only say, I agree with you and send you heaps of :hugs: 's and let you know your not alone in your frustration (though, sometimes, thats even more frustrating...)

XOXO
Em

Yeah I'm hearing you both also! I hate it when someone says "You just need to relax and it will happen" I HATE THAT!! I also hate it when people ask every 3 weeks, "Are you pregnant yet?":banghead:

:hugs: to you and all!!

[nut]

:banghead: It is really really hard. I don't think you're being too sensitive.:hugs:

Obviously this person means well, but he really needs to pull his oar in and mind his own business. Why would he send something like that to you? It is theoretically out of caring but with a little thought he could have held off and saved your feelings.

My BIL and SIL are going through IVF at the moment and my MIL keeps giving the "just relax" advice. It makes even me go crazy, so I can't imagine what they're thinking. They recently went away on a holiday together to a pacific island and her comment was "drink a bottle of champagne and make love under a palm tree and then you'll concieve." Yeah, right, after 4 years of every medical intervention on the books.... all they need is to get ****ed, right????:mad:

[cmd'smum]

Oh I sooooooooooo hate that! :banghead: :banghead: I understand he's trying to "make you feel better" but people sometimes really need to sit back and think "maybe there is an issue the couple have that is preventing them conceiving"! :rolleyes:

every time someone said something like that to me when we were TTC, I felt like saying "Yea but you don't have PCOS do you?" I didn't bother saying that though, cos I'm sure they would say " Whats PCOS?"

Completeeeeeeeely understand how this makes you feel hun!

Remember we are here for you if you need to vent!:hugs:

[Bunny_79]

Hey Nicole :hugs:
Ur not alone i would have told him what for:mad: . I agree with u to hear people say, just dont think about it, isnt that easy to do. People just don't get it until they r in our situation.
U want a baby now, so u keep doing everything u can to get it.:yes:
I am getting that from people at the moment just relax, dont think about it, R u pregnant yet !!! ahhh who needs to hear that.
Good luck & try not to listen to people like that.

[nicoleE]

Awww thanks guys. :hugs:

I didnt mean to make everyone else re-live their frustrations and anger at things like this! Sorry! :o

I guess it helps to know we are all in the same boat... (and for the record I think men who have never had troubles TTCing have even less of a clue!:D )

[myellabella]

Hi Nicole!:wave:

It makes me mad too!! I also hate when friends who don’t know that you are TTC ask “When are you having babies” “Why aren’t you pregnant yet???” After what DH and I have been thru I will never ask that question to anyone! People just don’t realise the problems that you can have and that you just don’t fall pregnant at the drop of a hat!!! (gee it would be good though!:yelclap: )

[pippi]

hey nicole,

I completley relate to the frustration that you are feeling. When we first started TTC we niavely told some people that we had started TTC.In the the long run this has caused so many problems because we now get tons of well meaning advise and i just wish no knew. But how were we to know it would take so long for us? Anyway someone left the following website http://www.vocalicious.com/empty_arms/empty_arms_mod2.html on the TTC 6+ months thread the other week and i sent it to a few friends who i think needed some help to understand what we going thru. It made me cry but its a really beautiful. Thank god for Bubhub!!!!!

[AshleyG]

Pippi - Thank you so much for that link. We are only going to start TTC in Feb but that was a strong, moving message that made my eyes well for every person who has ever had the pain of TTC unsucessfully.
I would highly recommend that everyone take a look and pass it on where appropriate.

x AshG

[chook76]

Man....I totally agree with everthing EVERYONE has said. The best intentions are meant but the delivery just sucks.
My mum also said the whole "just relax and it'll happen" ****. Mind you it had already taken me 6 years to conceive DD and now 18mths ttc#2!!!!!

Go ahead & vent all you need as at least here it will be heard and understood.
Kathy

[PrincessofGod]

wow! what a moving journey! made me cry! i wish i could say something, but all i can offer is a huge hug to all! :hugs::hugs: and i know that your dreams will come true!

[Pebbles]

Hi girls

I know exaclty how you are all feeling.
I had many a night of crying into my hubbies shoulder because nobody seemed to understand how I was feeling.
I snapped so many times at my best friend because she would say what she thought was supportive but to me it just made it hurt more.
The one i hated the most was :

"If you just relax it will happen"

After I found out I had PCOS and the FS said it was highly unlikely I would ever conceive without treatment my friends backed off a bit realising that what they said is no longer true. No amount of relaxing was going to cure what I had. And over a year later my friends finally started to realise that telling me "It will happen when it happens" was not going to make me feel better. By the end my good friends knew that if I got another BFN just a hug would be all they need to give me as no words would ever help.
It took me over a year to conceive but I finally did it. I am not going to sit here and tell you it will happen when it happens or just relax and it will happen or another one I hated "Good things come to those who wait..." who made these sayings up anyway? Did they ever desperately want a child and couldnt seem to get one no matter how much they tried? It is really painful and I completely understand.

So for now I am just going to say you are all such strong women and here is a :hugs: for all of you.

xx

[mum2elouise]

You are definitely not over-reacting, Nicole. I'd feel like that, too. We've only just started TTC #2 last month but it took us 10 months to conceive Elouise. They were the hardest 10 months ever! People really don't understand the constant disappointment and heartache you go through each month until they go through it themselves.

I'm having a little bit of a hard time atm with my Mum actually. She keeps saying "but you've got a gorgeous little daughter there - you don't need another one just yet":banghead: I know she's trying to help me, but really - it doesn't help! I know i have a beautiful daughter and i absolutely don't take her for granted - but Dh and I feel we are ready for #2 and i crave to be pregnant with our child again.

Good luck with TTC, and i'll be sending baby dust to you :wizard: As long as you send me some, too!:D

[bobby]

Nicole - its so frustrating, I'm going through a tough time emotionally atm as this time last year I thought I'd have a baby for this christmas cos we were booked in for laparoscopy and IUI's, well endo removed and 5 IUI's nothing:gloomy: . I have removed myself socially as it seems all my freinds have their new families in such a short time.
I couldnt stand being told to just relax, just now, think i'd scream no matter how caring that person was trying to be. Feel its a personal problem so DH & I chose not to share our infertility, just hint that I'd love a baby, could be a hint of feeling like a failure.

[charlis_mum]

I know exactly what you are saying! It is soooo frustrating when people tell you to 'just relax'!!! The thing is - you can't, you want something so bad that you can't stop thinking about it. A friend was TTC#1 & #2 at the same time we were, she fell pregnant first month off the pill both times :banghead: :banghead: Great for her, but she kept telling me 'it would happen when it was meant to' for me. I know she meant well, but i just wanted to slap her.
You are not being oversensitive - it's just that some people don't understand at all! :hugs:

[little_fish]

Hi Girls,

It took us 8 (fairly obsessive) months to conceive our first, and so I understand to some extents the pain and yet I now have a very good friend who is in the TTC business and I am not quite sure what IS the right thing to say to him to show support without being irritating. They have been trying for a while now, I think mostly going with the flow, but last I heard she was taking it pretty hard that nothing had happened yet. She is the only child amongst all her parents, aunts and uncles, so they expect it to be a long and rocky road ahead.

So can you tell me what are some of the lovely, nice and supportive things that people have said or done to you in your journey? What should I be saying to not hurt them more than necessary?

[nicoleE]

I would just say (when the time is right) that you had 8 months of TTC and that was hard enough so you can understand the toll it can take on a long term TTCer. I would say that you are there if they need to talk as it can sometimes feel like no one else understands. If they seem happy to tell you about their journey then ask how everything is going when you see them, maybe not every time but perhaps still ask and see how they react. I dont mind people asking me (I especially like to share with my sisters who have been through similar experiances to me) but I am quite open and have no problems telling people about my PCOS what it means and treatments etc but some others may like to keep it to themselves.
Just gently let them know that you are there if they need to talk, thats all you have to do. Im sure they dont need any advice, it helps to just know that you are not alone.

Maybe one bit of advice though is telling them what helped you get through it such as talking to others with the same issues, getting away on a holiday to 'try' to take your mind off things etc.

oh - and forward them onto BubHub! :D

[bobby]

I Just gently let them know that you are there if they need to talk, thats all you have to do. Im sure they dont need any advice, it helps to just know that you are not alone.

Hi I agree with NicoleE there. I'm one of those who cant talk about it, but I would love to have someone there just to be there. To talk to and maybe cry with, but not constantly reminded. little_fish I think your freind is very lucky to have you there for her because you obviously care.

[little_fish]

Thanks Girls,

Telling them about bubhub was one of the first things I did. But I didn't want to cover them with advice (I seem to have picked up waaaay too much from my months of trying! I could put someone to sleep telling them it all) Thanks for your advice, I will do my best. :yes: In the mean time I wish you girls nothing but good luck in the near future :fingerscrossed: :fingerscrossed:

[BlueGin]

Hi Nicole, good on you for being patient with him, that alone can be a struggle can't it?!
Funnily enough, for me the annoying comments actually started once we finally DID conceive! (Took 18 months). People would say stuff like "see, what were you worried about?"
"it obviously just wasn't the right time before"
"maybe you didn't need to rush in to having kids, obviously it's easy enough for you!"

Hmm. Really helpfull :rolleyes:, so after a year and a half of biting my tongue I am now finding myself out of patience and letting people know just how hard it really was! :o Though you can bet they don't want to hear about it now!

Little Fish, your compassion is probably the best thing they could ask for, :fingerscrossed: they fall soon, so that you can all enjoy the journey together!