mama kare
12-12-2006, 06:56
Hi, my name is Kare. I have a 14mth old daughter, Ayla and I have PND.
I first starting feeling down when my baby was born 7 weeks premature. She was whisked away at first glance and remained in an incubator for 2 weeks, being fed by gavage (nasal tube to her tummy).
I was able to have my first 5 minute cuddle when she was 1 day old, though her heartbeat was raised and she had to go back into the incubator.
One day I went up to the hospital and they were bottle feeding Ayla. I was very upset that no one phoned me before they tried feeding her, so I could try and make it to the hospital before her first bottle feed.
The hospital had me stay in hospital for 2 nights with Ayla before they were going to send her home, to make sure I could handle having a baby around me.
On the day we were due to take Ayla home from the special care nursery, she stopped breathing and turned blue. She was 3 weeks old at this stage.
These episodes were called 'dusky episodes' and the doctors decided to keep her in for observation. Dusky episodes occur when a baby cannot manage breathing/sucking and swallowing properly after or during a feed. Ayla only had them after a bottle feed.
Due to being premature, she was unable to breastfeed. She had a natural reflex of the tongue, which meant her tongue stuck to the roof of her mouth majority of the time and she was unable to latch on to the breast. We went to a nearby day-stay clinic with the breastfeeding Association for 2 months, though Ayla still made no attempt to latch on. The consultants would make me hold off feeding her so she felt hungrier, though this only upset me more, hearing her cry like she was starving, despite the fact that she was probably only a little peckish.
Eventually the consultant suggested that we continue to feed Ayla the bottle, as my milk was almost dried up and the medication the GP gave me wasn't working to keep the milk flowing, even though I was getting up every few hours throughout the night and expressing all that i could.
I felt failed. Despite knowing that she is 14mths, happy and healthy and growing in all the right ways and knowing there isn't much I could do about how things went, I still feel the guilt and upset and cannot shake it. Meanwhile I also felt like my relationship with my partner was on rocky gound..
My doctor started me on medication for PND in June 2006, though in August I stopped the medication because I soon felt guilty for needing it to make me 'normal'..
My doctor has been a great support for me and let me go a few months off the medication, only to find I was slowly becoming upset again. So I have resumed the medication in Dec 2006.
I have seen a councillor though found that I can talk about all of these issues, yet nothing gets resolved. I don't feel as though anything has been lifted off my shoulders and feel as if this depression is a huge weight on my shoulders. My GP says talking is good, though no one can really shake these feelings and thoughts unless it is me.
So I have come here, with the suggestion of another mum, looking for some support.
Thanks for listening.
Kare.
I first starting feeling down when my baby was born 7 weeks premature. She was whisked away at first glance and remained in an incubator for 2 weeks, being fed by gavage (nasal tube to her tummy).
I was able to have my first 5 minute cuddle when she was 1 day old, though her heartbeat was raised and she had to go back into the incubator.
One day I went up to the hospital and they were bottle feeding Ayla. I was very upset that no one phoned me before they tried feeding her, so I could try and make it to the hospital before her first bottle feed.
The hospital had me stay in hospital for 2 nights with Ayla before they were going to send her home, to make sure I could handle having a baby around me.
On the day we were due to take Ayla home from the special care nursery, she stopped breathing and turned blue. She was 3 weeks old at this stage.
These episodes were called 'dusky episodes' and the doctors decided to keep her in for observation. Dusky episodes occur when a baby cannot manage breathing/sucking and swallowing properly after or during a feed. Ayla only had them after a bottle feed.
Due to being premature, she was unable to breastfeed. She had a natural reflex of the tongue, which meant her tongue stuck to the roof of her mouth majority of the time and she was unable to latch on to the breast. We went to a nearby day-stay clinic with the breastfeeding Association for 2 months, though Ayla still made no attempt to latch on. The consultants would make me hold off feeding her so she felt hungrier, though this only upset me more, hearing her cry like she was starving, despite the fact that she was probably only a little peckish.
Eventually the consultant suggested that we continue to feed Ayla the bottle, as my milk was almost dried up and the medication the GP gave me wasn't working to keep the milk flowing, even though I was getting up every few hours throughout the night and expressing all that i could.
I felt failed. Despite knowing that she is 14mths, happy and healthy and growing in all the right ways and knowing there isn't much I could do about how things went, I still feel the guilt and upset and cannot shake it. Meanwhile I also felt like my relationship with my partner was on rocky gound..
My doctor started me on medication for PND in June 2006, though in August I stopped the medication because I soon felt guilty for needing it to make me 'normal'..
My doctor has been a great support for me and let me go a few months off the medication, only to find I was slowly becoming upset again. So I have resumed the medication in Dec 2006.
I have seen a councillor though found that I can talk about all of these issues, yet nothing gets resolved. I don't feel as though anything has been lifted off my shoulders and feel as if this depression is a huge weight on my shoulders. My GP says talking is good, though no one can really shake these feelings and thoughts unless it is me.
So I have come here, with the suggestion of another mum, looking for some support.
Thanks for listening.
Kare.