Having your other child/ren at the birth?

[SassyMummy]

I'm not pregnant, but in late 2008, I hope to TTC. If all goes well, this would mean that DD would be 4-ish when I'd give birth to my 2nd child.

I'm hoping very much for a VBAC, and am intent on pretty much 100% refusing caesarean on the basis of "just in case." (I had my first c-sec as a "just in case" thing... "just in case she dies from being overdue.":rolleyes: ). So hopefully, I'll be birthing vaginally, in a hospital (not interested in homebirth, and birth centres are often not too VBAC-friendly).

I was thinking about whether or not I should bring DD in to the birthing room when I give birth. She'll only be young, so I wouldn't want ot frighten her... but at the same time, I want her to experience the whole birthing thing... to see how positive and natural it is... so that hopefully, when she's an adult and having babies, she'll trust in her body's ability to have a VB and go for it without (too much) worry.

My question is, would a 4-year-old be too young to witness such an event? Would her being there inhibit me, or somewhat relax me? I mean, I wonder if I'll try to relax more for her sake (so I don't scare her with all of my crazy yelling and screaming), but would that help or hinder me?

Do you think it would be a good idea, or a bad one?

[ButterflyGirls]

Hi sassymummy,

I thought about this when i was pregnant with DD#2. DD#1 was 3 and understood exactly where babies come from! She would even split your legs and point to where it came from. Sorry TMI, but she seriously understood.

We used to watch the DVD of The Human Body and i would explain everything to her. She even watched the birth and labour process.

In the end i chose not to, just in case something did go wrong. It was pretty "messy" in the end for me. I really do think that it would have freaked her out. Mummy with blood everywhere etc. I also thought that i would be constantly worrying about what she was touching and what buttons she would be pushing!! :o :o

Well, that's just my opinion anyway. :ecomcity:

[Mamaduke]

Jesse has just turned 5 in September and if I was pregnant and giving birth I would not want him to be there.
I don't think that at age 4 they can understand that the pain is for a reason and I honestly think that the sight of their Mummy in pain would cause a child distress (my own Mum wouldn't come in when I was in labour - she knew she wouldn't be able to cope!) and also...you're trying to give birth, if your child starts to get upset your natural reaction would be to comfort them...knowing that your child is with someone who you trust while you gave birth would ease your mind and allow you to focus.

[shed]

I want to birth at home next time so chances are DS will be in the house somewhere, but I wouldn't want him in the actual room.

The baby being born deserves to have me all to herself (himself?, no herself!) when she is born because she is going to have to share me with her brother for the whole of the rest of her life.

Its her moment of glory. All hers. DS has had his.

[Minke]

As one of those people in antenatal classes that covered my eyes when the birth vid came on... no. :D My DD was 5 1/2 and i couldn't think of anything worse (mind you i didn't want anyone but my DH there) She probably would have started telling me "mummy you're doing it wrong"...:rolleyes: And seeing how much i swore when in labour with her... :laughing:

[AM]

Tyler was 23 months when I gave birth to Louie at home, and he was marvellous. He just played, cruised in and out of the room, snacked and gave me funny looks when I was making a lot of noise!
We had a doula to help out with keeping Tyler happy and entertained, he was not actuallt in the room when Louie popped out, but that was just chance, he would have been if he wished. - He was too busy wanting some shortbread cookies or something..

However, I don't think I would take a sibling to a hospy birth, as it is a strange environment, and i think the success of siblings at homebirths is down to the fact that they are in a familiar, safe place with all people they know, so it is easier for them to be relaxed, even if mum does start making wierd noises.

[Seekrit]

I screamed like a walrus... there's no way I'm going to let my children see me in that state - however if I was a nice, calm, quiet person I may consider it for the next one.

[reAllytee]

Jesse has just turned 5 in September and if I was pregnant and giving birth I would not want him to be there.
I don't think that at age 4 they can understand that the pain is for a reason and I honestly think that the sight of their Mummy in pain would cause a child distress (my own Mum wouldn't come in when I was in labour - she knew she wouldn't be able to cope!) and also...you're trying to give birth, if your child starts to get upset your natural reaction would be to comfort them...knowing that your child is with someone who you trust while you gave birth would ease your mind and allow you to focus.


:laughing:
My mum still came in but cried especially when things went wrong !!! Im suprised she was still standing after the whole ordeal !


I want to birth at home next time so chances are DS will be in the house somewhere, but I wouldn't want him in the actual room.

The baby being born deserves to have me all to herself (himself?, no herself!) when she is born because she is going to have to share me with her brother for the whole of the rest of her life.

Its her moment of glory. All hers. DS has had his.

Agreed :thumbsup:

Even as MD said i think the reason i wouldnt want Boof at the next babies birth ( gosh thats scary ! ) is because i am scared things will go wrong but also because i want to focus on this bub & birthing him/her. I would always be worried about Boof if he was around.
Homebirth i suppose i would think differently though but i think im still like Shed in this way of thinking in that im happy for him to be around but not when it comes to the crunch.

[phineas]

Hi Sassymummy,

I breifly considered having my DD at my VBAC. Decided not to and I'm glad she wasn't there as I think she would ahve been really frightened as I didn't stay quite as calm and collected as I thought I would :p

But you might birth nice and quietly.
You could just see how it goes and make sure there is someone there to take her home if need be.

Good luck with the TTC
xx

[Little Gorilla]

No, I wouldn't have DS in there..like someone said, I want to have my full attention on special bub #2 when its arriving the same way I did with #1....but I would love for #1 to come in as soon as possible after the birth...maybe even help cut the cord:)

For me to even consider the above, I would imagine I would talk to #1 alot about what was going to happen proir to the birth...maybe do a practice run with a dolly..hhhmmm ask me in 2 years!!!

[Melo]

:laughing:
My mum still came in but cried especially when things went wrong !!! Im suprised she was still standing after the whole ordeal !


EXCATLY the same as my mum, and it made me stress more :thumbsdown:. Will defiantly only be me and DF this time.

My 15 m/o would be more interested in EVERYTHING else, instead of me :laughing:

[bensmummy]

i woudl say yes of ds was alot older maybe 7or 8 and had the understanding of where babies come from and watching births on tv and all that stuff
i think it would be something great to share with your other child expecially if they could help by cutting the cord or something

but if i was to have another one now there would be no way i would let ds in there with me he would freak at me making noices and yelling and carring on

i think it is a real personal decision and can only be made by you for your kids
each child can handle different things and who knows best what they can handle their mums and dads :thumbsup:

[schmell]

DD1 was 2 1/2 when DD2 was born and I laboured for 11 hours of my 12 hour labour at home. She was great and loved it - she is nearly 4 and still talks about it. I explained to her in as much detail as you can a 2 1/2 year old and told her that Mummy may be in pain but it was okay and her baby brother or sister would be there soon after the pain so it was all okay. She was so good the whole time I was at home. She rubbed my back while I was laying on the lounge and poured water over me with her watering can while I was in the bath. When it came time for me to go to the hospital she had 2 support people to come with her (they were with her at home too). They just missed the birth (and they left 2 minutes after we did) but they cam ein straight after. DD1 was told there would be blood and I might be hurting and that she could leave at any time she wanted to. As it turns out, all the blood was covered by a sheet and bubs was already out and being weighed and measured so she didn;t have to see any of that but she actually asked to see the blood and watched the placenta be delivered and was very interested in the fact that her sister came from the same place!!

If they are well prepared and well supported there is no reason it can't be a fantastic experience for everyone. I plan to have homebirths if I have any more bubbas so the whole family and anyone else who wants to stick their head in will be there :laughing:

[Roopee]

No i wouldn't. Purely on the fact that i would be concentrating on them and not on birthing the baby.
I dont think that my kids need to see me like that, i think it would scare them.
Sassy- i'm not sure at 4 that it would be something your DD would remeber later in life IYKWIM? I know i dont (and alot of others) dont remeber what happened when they were 4.

HOWEVER- if you want her there then have her there. Its your decision to make. Good luck with it:hugs:

[meme]

an individual decision.
i had my dd's come to my births. dd1 came to her 1st sista's when she was 6yrs. then dd1&2 came to the next one 2yrs later.
i prepped them with birth vids and story books. they came to ante natal visits and they each had there own support people. my dd missed her first sista as it was quick and was more interested in playing with her support person. i had some complications but she had left hospy for a sleepover by then.

my recent birth attended by dd8yrs and dd2yrs was so wonderful. i knew they were being well looked after down the other end of the room. dp and i were labouring away alone while the family just waited and then when bubs was being born they were all there and i could hear my dd saying "i can see the head" "its coming out of mummy's bottom!":laughing: which is just how we talked about it before hand.

while i love that in giving birth i am having another child, i also love that i am giving my dd's a sibling and adding to our family and so it was natural to me to share this.

i also knew that i would handle labour well and not be too scary. i wanted them to experience how empowering and positive it can be. as their mother i want to teach them those first (maybe eventually subconscious) lessons and have them be positive experiences.

you really have to think about everything and decide whats right for you and your family.

[WitchHazel]

I screamed like a walrus... there's no way I'm going to let my children see me in that state - however if I was a nice, calm, quiet person I may consider it for the next one.

Me too! I don't think young children would understand the situation enough to not be freaked out by the blood/screaming/pain. Also, I loved the intimacy of having just me and my DH at the birth (excluding doctor and midwives of course!).

[SassyMummy]

Thanks for all the replies thus far!

DD being scared - that's the main thing I'm worried about. I wouldn't want her to get too frightened.

The reason I'd want her at hte birth is so that she gets to experience everything, just as her other family members will (me and her Dad)...so that she doesn't feel "pushed out" so this new baby can come in and take over... and so that she can view birth as a natural thing. Even if she's young and may not remember it, she might have that "birth is natural" thing locked in the back of her mind.

BUT, if she's scared, I'd suppose it might have the opposite effect. She might see birth as scary and long...and if I were to have complications, she might see it as complicated. That would be creating more harm than anything else I suppose.

I guess I'll leave her out of it... I intend to labour for as long as possible at home... so hopefully that'll at least plant the "birth is natural" seed in her mind. Maybe I'll have the birth somewhat filmed (I don't want my actual netheregions filmed, but I'd like hte "general event" to be recorded so I can watch it back later, in case I forget bits)...and can make a little editted version just for her.

I guess I could involve her more by having her come in pretty much straight after her sibling is born...letting her hold him, letting her see all of that. Hopefully that'll plant the seed in her mind.

[WitchHazel]

...letting her hold him, letting her see all of that.

Him? I think I sense a premonition :laughing:

[kristi001]

I screamed like a walrus... there's no way I'm going to let my children see me in that state - however if I was a nice, calm, quiet person I may consider it for the next one.

Dido.. :) I scared DP with my screaming and as he said " Hideous devil faces "

Mabey 10yrs+

Thou I want Harrison there as soon as bubs is out to share the moment as a family.. so home birthing might be an option for us.. :) My fisrt labour went very well ( apparently!! )

[Sarie]

I wouldn't have my boys there, I think they just don't need to see their mum in pain. They are too little to realise that the pain is a 'good' pain because of the reward at the end. Seeing my DH distressed because he can't do anything to help is bad enough, I wouldn't put my boys through it.

[my_lot]

yes i have and i would again


i gave my 15 yr old dsd, nearly 10 and nearly 8 yr old dd's the choice to watch this next one being born and only the 8yr old wanted to.

so we have a support person ready who will be there just for her needs. we have a bag of goodies ready for her to eat, drink, read and play incase theres a long wait at the hospital. i have books for her to read on birth, ive shown her pregnancy magazine showing the baby at different stages ect. we watch maternity ward and the likes on tv and have seen a few dvds of births.. with and without children there. she has also seen her own birth in photos and her brothers c-sect birth.

my 4 yr old son is involved in this, he knows about v/b and c-sect (ive had both) he comes to the hospital and DRs visits has seen all the tests ive had done (even internals, from the head end of the bed tho!) but he will not be there for the birth. if he was older or younger or itd be a home birth i would have liked it but not for the age that he is and most importantly the child that he is.

i was a bit unsure about my 10yr old being there but decided to give her the good and the bads of it and answer all her questions about it and then let her decide..i was very proud of her for saying that she didnt want to "miss out" but really didnt want to see the baby "coming out"... she was worried about the blood and me being in pain. so we have talked about other ways that she can be involved, such as being the helper for the first bath or stamping his foot for his baby book.. something that is just "hers" to share with the baby.

dd8 and i had the same chat.. and she decided to be there for the birth...but shes a different child. is very calm even in emergency situations...she knows i will be in pain. she understands its normal and will go away (i was very silent with the 2 v/b tho so shouldnt scare her too much! LOL) she knows the stages of labour and about dialation count ect. she knows it could end in a c-sect. she knows she is free to leave the room or leave the hospital if she wants. she knows its not her job to "help" mummy in any way during the labour and birth, she is there to watch.

we have many many chats about what could happen what would happen if... ect ect. and she knows there we have friends she is welcome to stay with if she changes her mind at any time.

i know this may not be for everyone. i dont "feel funny" about having my children watch me give birth. but can understand how some would. i dont feel funny about my kids seeing the blood and guts of it but can see how this may really scare some kids.

i have had a m/w at the hospital tell me its "truamatic" for children to be at a birth- and it may well be for some children but only i know if i think mine can handle it, if they are old enough, mature enough, prepared for it, have enough support and what they will get out of the experience.

[stellarella]

I want a home birth next time so DS will be around somewhere....I do like the idea of having the option of him leaving if things hget icky or whatever....you can still have that option...you need to have a trusted carer for your child 1 on 1 to be there solely for your child as you will be busy OBVIOUSLY...LOL.

You can always have that carer take your child outside for a walk or whatever if they get upset....make sure the carer doesnt force the issue...if your chiuld doesnt want to be there then do what they want...

I have heard from my midwife that small children handle the whole thing remarkably well...if you dont make a huge deal out of it neither will they and I think its wonderful for our children to experience birth at a young age...its a great step in the direction of demystifying birth and taking the unknown scary element out of it.

I have seen a few birth videos with small children present and they were amazing and fascinated...its probably a good idea to discuss the whole thing with them before hand maybe introducing them to sounds you might make....what you might be ding...explain you will be deep in concentration and although you may look hurt you are not...its just hard work...that sort of thing

[Mum&bubs]

I considered bringing Summer (who was 19 months at the time) in the hospital room when I gave birth to Taliyah but then I soon decided against it & I am glad I did. I wouldn't want my daughter to see me in such a state of pain, I'm not sure about a 4 year old though but my nephew is 4 and I think if he saw his mum like that he would freak out more then Summer would. Another reason why I didn't want Summer there because I know she would be trying to cling onto me because she could see that I was in pain so she would head straight to the breast and I don't think I would have handled being in labour & breastfeeding a toddler at the same time :laughing:

[candyn]

JMO I think it would traumatise a kid so young to see their mummy in so much pain and all the other stuff that happens. Also i think it is a special moment just between mum, dad an baby! It is totally up to you though! Bear in mind alot of hospitals do not allow children in to watch the birth in case of complications.

Good luck with your choice:)

[my_lot]

Bear in mind alot of hospitals do not allow children in to watch the birth in case of complications.



ive not had this problem in the two different hospitals we have gone through. they do say they want the child to have their own support person though.

and as for complications..well my dd stopped breathing at birth and dd who was watching the birth was walked out of the room by her support person..

her support person took dd to get a drink telling her the DRs needed to check over the baby now and mummy needed a shower.

a little while later dd went to the SCN with her support person and watched baby dd being tubed and put on oxygen. she was amazed by it all and not scared at all and why would she be when she had nothing to compare this to, no way of knowing this wasnt normal or we were worried.

she would have seen her baby sister in this state had she been there for the birth or not. i think it helped her to see the DRs and nurses "helping her baby sister" . she had no understanding that the baby had not been breathing at birth just that she needed help breathing.

when ds was born prem a few years later the girls were not worried by the wires and tubes on him they knew he was prem and understood he couldnt just come home after the birth.

like i said in my last post dd8 wants to be there for our new babys birth.. things could go wrong, who knows, but that is why she has a support person..


oh and in ref to Also i think it is a special moment just between mum, dad an baby! i had two student m/w in the room also and was more aware of them than dd.

grandma says she was playing with playdoh on the chairs with her support person and put it down to watch when told the baby was coming. the only thing i can remember her saying is - "ive got a baby sister" when dd was born and the nurse said "its a girl".

[LittleBoysRock]

There is no way I could let me DS witness that until he is a lot older....

[Owen&Noah's_mum]

we've been encouraged by the middies to bring our 3.5 year old along but i don't think he would understand whats going on, maybe even frightened by it all......not to mention his short attention span. he would be bored in no time and want to touch all the cool buttons :D. inquisitive child.

[SassyMummy]

Hmmmm...I'm still undecided...even though I sounded like I was turning towards NOT having her there... I just can't make up my mind. Luckily I'm not pregnant and don't have to think about this seriously for a while yet...

I don't agree that birth is about mother and baby alone, or even mother, father and baby alone. My daughter, in my opinion, is just as much a family member as DP or I am... and so I just don't like the idea of having a special moment without her. Just the idea of it makes me feel like I'm exluding her; you know, pushing her out of the way for the new arrival.

Perhaps I'll get my mother (or someone else both DD and I are comfortable with) to come along. DD can be brought in and out... when things get not-so-great, DD can leave hte room... when things are going well, she can come in.

It's hard to predict how labour will be - I know each pregnancy is different, but I've never ever felt a single contraction so I have absolutely NO idea what to expect at all.

Perhaps I will have her there - because i think the fact that I'm even asking the question means that i want it to happen. I guess I'll have to see how she is when she's that old, and whether she wants to be there or not. It'll depend on the time of day too I suppose - if it's at night, she might be too tired to want to come in... who knows.

[WitchHazel]

It's hard to predict how labour will be - I know each pregnancy is different, but I've never ever felt a single contraction so I have absolutely NO idea what to expect at all.



Very true Sass. You may have a great labour where you are in pain (obviously!!), but feel in control and calm, in which case it would probably be a nice, bonding moment for your DD.:yes:

[lisags]

My four and a half year old saw his youngest brother being born and had absolutely no problem with it. He was very excited and afterwards told me "you didn't yell that much mummy" : ).
I had a waterbirth at home and we woke him up when I was about to start pushing, my second boy (two and a half) slept through the whole thing, we woke him up at the end but he wasn't interested.
Because I was in the water and waited for the cord to stop pulsating before it was cut, I got to spend time with our new baby before anyone else and then my husband and our son held him when I got out of the water and had a shower.
I believe that as we get older we have pre-concieved ideas about what labour and birth are like and it becomes scary but when we are young it is much more acceptable. Kids don't know how painful it is, I just told him that mummy might make a lot of noise to help get the baby out.
I think the hospital can be a scarier place for a little kid though.

[My4True Angels]

Just my opinion but I wouldn't even let my 13 year old sister into the birthing suite with me because I thought that she was too young.


I totally agree, when i just gave birth to my 3rd my son and daughter who were 3yrs and 5yrs were going to get babysat but of course the weekend i went into labor my organized babysitter went away for the weekend so i had no choice either i found some one else or my partner would have to miss out which i didnt want but there was no way in hell i was letting my kids watch me give birth

[melissa.r]

I had a water birth at home for with my second babe. My oldest daughter who was 2 years 3months at the time was there throughout my labour and birth. In our home, birthing is a normal process which is not to be feared. I believe it is a primal process that children do not necessarily have to understand on an intellectual level but instinctually or intuitively they do understand. We did do lots of preparation, reading books, she attended all antenatal visits etc and we had my sister at the birth to specifically look after her. She was not worried at all. She rested, played, ate food, patted my hand, played in the water (wanted to get in the water). When labouring was hard and I was being very loud, my midwives would remind my daughter that I was 'singing to the baby'. Sometimes it was a little distracting for me, as she would ask me questions etc but at no time did this bother me. Of course, there is always the possiblity that the birthing process will not go as planned, but as my sister was there to care for my daughter, part of her role was to manage this if the need arised ie take her for a walk etc. This was not a problem in our situation. I think preparation is the key. I would not have had it any other way.

[iluvmeboyz]

i was going to have my son at the birth of our second son but cause it went quick and i dont think a child shpuld be in the room ,i dont know he/she might get traumatised buy it but maybe for our 3rd

[SassyMummy]

I think I will see how it goes. Nobody has managed to convince me NOT to have her in the room... it seems that everyone who is against it, hasn't done it... but those who HAVE had their kids there, thought it was a great idea. I think I'll see what type of kid DD is like... and take it from there. Hopefully, she'll be able to come in. I'll get my mother to come in with her...

[catflap]

My question is, would a 4-year-old be too young to witness such an event? Would her being there inhibit me, or somewhat relax me? I mean, I wonder if I'll try to relax more for her sake (so I don't scare her with all of my crazy yelling and screaming), but would that help or hinder me?My four year old daughter was at the hospital and witnessed her baby sister being born. It was a thrilling experience for her, for starters she has always been fascinated by how things work and asked a million questions about pregnancy and birth anyway, and while she was nervous at times she mostly got a big kick out of it. She did hear some language I hope she never repeats :o:laughing: and I made an effort to reassure her in between contractions that it was all normal and fine. She was asking questions at the time, eg seeing blood running down my leg at one point and stuff like that.

To this day she still tells people all about it, her preschool teachers and classmates got a graphic rendition of the whole event :rolleyes:

For me, I found it quite calming and grounding to have her there. When things got intense, she was there reminding me what the whole thing was about, and what I was about to experience all over again, and that really helped pass the time.

I think she'll pitch a fit if she's not allowed in this time. I'm not sure about the little one though. She's a cancerian and very sensitive :hugs:

ETA: I forgot to mention as well, that DD1 has a really fantastic connection with DD2, through being there from hre first breath. I think they are really soul mates because of it.