step mum

[tien]

hi im a step mum of 2 little girls aged 11 and nearly 9 and have been their mum for 6 years now and still find it really harddoes anyone have any advice . I have a two year old with their father and its seems to be working well, we are also expecting our seconf baby due in February, its strange because I'm going through all the things first time mothers go through but I alos have the responsibility of the two older girls, I really dont know how far I can go, with making them feel loved and nutured without over compensating, its so tireing because I will give them more so they dont feel left out and it just doesnt seem enough, they always nagg me for more, im so tired all the time, I always feel I can never make them happy, they are also very cricitical of me, my looks, my parenting I feel really suffocated

[Chickadee]

Hi Tien,

I can't help with your questions I'm afraid, being mum to only one DD and no experience with step kids. But I wanted to welcome you to bubhub.

I know there are some other mums on here with step kids so hopefully one of them will see this and answer. If not, please don't give up on us! But try reposting your questions in a different section, such as under the parenting general chat.

[WeThree]

hi tien, welcome to bubhub!! i have an 8 yr old sd, as well as my own children, and your right it is very hard, but you cant be to hard on yourself. it sounds as if these girls know that they can make you feel guilty etc and they are milking it for all its worth!! i think you might have to lay down the law abit and let them know that whilst you love and care for them you are no longer prepared to constantly be held responsible for how they are feeling, that they will be treated no different from your other children (which being tiny will require alot of your time, which these girls are also going to have to understand) and that you will no longer tolerate them speaking to you that way in your own home. i know you want to be their friend and i think thats great, but they also need to respect you, which it sounds like they dont atm, dont make a rod for your own back, speak to your husband and tell him you need him to back you up on this, even if you dont agree on everything, dont let the girls see this, present a united front in front of them and discuss any issues you have with their father when they are not around, tell him you want him to start sticking up for you. please feel free to pm me if you want to chat more about blended families! :)

[flower]

Hi Tien....
Feel free to ask the girls for advice or help..there's always someone here to help you with your journey.
O's mom.

[jaydensmum]

Welcome Tien, i hope you'll enjoy reading and posting on Bub Hub!! Its a great place to be and the girls on here are fantastic!! :D

jaydensmum

[pegasus]

Welcome Tien

I wasn't sure if I should reply to this post as I thought once I started, I wouldn't be able to stop, as I've got lots of thoughts in this area. ;)

I've been with my DH for 8years and am a step mum to my DSS (10) and my DSD (12) - so I've seen them grow throughout a fair bit of their childhood. I remember in my partying meeting guys days I naively thought that having kids only every second weekend and in school holidays wouldn't be much of a change to any other relationship I'd had...

I quickly realised that this wasn't the case - my life over the last 8 years has been touched hugely by the kid's presence, but more so by the presence of their mother. My DH was 18 when he met their mother and within 5weeks of them seeing each other (3months of her being in Australia - she'd just moved from England) she was pregnant. Call me a cynic (most of this info comes from my MIL), but I believe that the children's mother planned to become pregnant (all of her friends were pregnant), whereas a baby was one of the furtherest things from my DH's mind. They stayed together for 4years off and on, with a lot of volatile things happening in in the relationship. I know I'm biased here as I've only heard one side of the story, (that she is a violent woman who can't control herself), but it made it all the more believable when I had to put an assault charge on her the first time I met her.... :(

The story My DH has painted is one where he went off to work, then once he came home she went off and partied (there is even a question whether DSS is even his) :eek:. There's been a lot of incidences inbetween then and now (which I'll leave for future posts), but the result is 2 children who cry out for attention as their mother gives them everything materially, but is emotionally unavailable. She has lived with numerous men since she broke up with my DH and we have had no end of abuse hurled at us (including telling my DSD to call me a ***** when she was 5). The children's mother obviously never planned for them to have their father around long term (they don't even have his name), and she tells them each of her boyfriends is their stepdad, leaving them heartbroken and confused everytime the BF's leave. The only constants in their lives is their father and I, and I believe we have a good relationship (under the circumstances) between the five of us (including my DS - 18months). The challenges have changed over time, but it has always been challenging. At the moment, we're dealing with a 12yr old girl who's confused about relationships and believes that she has to look after her mother and her brother, while not taking time to look after herself and be a child, and a ten yr old boy who doesn't listen to anybody as no one's ever listened to him. We've just returned from 2yrs interstate which we did for our sanity and to start our family as it was too hard and heartbreaking to be continually abused while trying to give the kids the best opportunities while showing them a different side of life.

I have already gone on far too long (excuse me for venting), but what I'm trying to say is that there's others of us out here who are happy to talk(some of us too much) :p. The answer to your question is that you do the best you can with the time you have. Main thing is that you don't put down either parent in front of the kids, and acknowledge to them (at their age they are very torn) that it is a hard situation they're in and you are trying your best. I was very worried when DS came along that they would think we were replacing them in DH's life, and understand about sometimes overcompensating.

The hardest thing is that it isn't the children's fault when they're harsh on you, they're just repeating stuff they've been exposed to usually. My DH's answer is that they'll realise when they're older that we try to do the best for them and we have to just keep going until that time with the little thanks we get...

If there's more people with thoughts and advice on this subject, maybe we should move this thread to a different area?

[angussmum]

Hello,

Just thought Id reply, Im a step mum also. and just recently (5 months) a new mum. May I say its the most bludy difficult sitation. But Im determined to find ways to manage it. Ive recently started reading everything on the topic. One excellent point the books say, is put your marriage first, and also set boundaries.
Hey and Tien there not your girls, why are you compensating? If they have a mum, why do you need to fill that role, when its not your role?Were going through an adjustment period also, Im finding honesty the best approach with my partner. You know accepting the reality of the situation is the hardest thing to do, divided loyalties blah, blah. Sometimes I wish the situation was different also, because I get tired of all the issues with it also. I do feel for the girls, but geez sometimes you crave a more simpler life!!!

Thank god Ive discovered Im not alone, nice to meet you all!