MIL Vent (sorry)

[katiek]

Im going back to work part time in Jan and will be working from 9am-1pm on Saturdays. MIL found out about this on the weekend and insisted she look after DD even though DH is going to do it as he hardly sees DD during the week as he works.

Sounds fine in theory but MIL smokes to excess and has some unusual child rearing ideas and refuses to respect our wishes when it comes to settling, sleeping and feeding.

The smoking is the major issue for us. She says she will not smoke in front of DD but we can not be sure she will actually abide by this when we arent there. Even if she smokes outside who will watch DD while she does this? And her clothes will reek of cigarettes.

She also has a habit of putting DD to sleep on her side or tummy, I caught her doing this when DD was 4 weeks old and was furious. She always says "well Brett (DH) went to sleep like that and it didnt harm him". She also is quite mean when attempting to settle DD and is happy to just let her cry. DD is 4 months old.

We realise that DD has a right to know her grandparents and have a loving relationship with them but this is not what we envisioned for her. If it was up to me and DH we would not allow her to look after her at all. So far she has only visited her grandparents while we have been present.

We are in a real catch 22. I dont want to be shut off from the family over this issue as it is not fair on DD. I also fear that we may need DH's parents help in the future and it is not a good idea to get in their "bad books"

Does anyone relate to my predicament? Any advice?

Thank you for reading

Kate

[poodysmum]

Hi! Sorry to hear that you are having a few MIL dramas:( Maybe your husband just needs to say to his mum that you both appreciate the offer, but this is his chance for him to spend quality time with his daughter. In regard to her going against your wishes, kindly remind her that 'this is the way that we would prefer for it to be done' and stand your ground. We had the same problem with my husbands mum (she knew EVERYTHING!:rolleyes: ), but we would just correct what she had done, and kept doing it till she got the picture. I can fully understand how frustrated you must be- I hope that it all works out for you.;)

Alli :hugs:

[Me]

:hugs: I understand your catch 22, only diffence it is my mother, not dh's!

We just showed mum how to do things our way and how much easier it was to put dd to sleep, feed etc when it was done our way - the way dd is used to. eg. dd is a self-settler - mum tried to rock her to sleep and she SCREAMED for over an hour til she was just way too exhausted and fell asleep. poor little vegemite - still breaks my heart thinking about it and that was back in may!

As poodysmum said, you really just need to explain to her that this is your dh's chance to spend some quality time with his dd.

On the smoking front - not sure what state you are in but QLD Health has some great brochures on the side effects of smoking around babies - if she doesn't seem to understand 100% of what you are saying in this regard perhaps the brochure might help. Has all sorts of statistics(in illustration form!) on the increased risks of sids for babies who have been regularly exposed to cigarette smoke.

Good luck - hang in there - remember she is your dd and you just raise her how you want to!

[cwsmum]

:yes: sounds exactly like my MIL :yes: I think mine has finally realised that my kids wont be staying at her house thru the winter coz both her and FIL smoke inside the house with all the doors and windows closed...we occasionally let DS stay there in summer coz I know the windows will be open (they also have a door that seperates the bedrooms from the rest of the house, I send his pillow and make sure the door is shut so I know he's not sleeping on something that smells of smoke). DS usually only stays there when FIL is away working too coz he doesn't care if he smokes around kids, MIL at least will go outside. We also rarely visit BIL and his family coz they smoke around their kids (all under 13) :banghead:

If your DH is going to be home while you are working then he should look after your DD. Maybe he could take bub around to see her grandparents every 2nd weekend or something, that way they still get to see her but your DH is there to make sure that things are done the way you want them.

[Stretchmark Diva]

No, no, no, no, no! :no:

If you have misgivings about using MIL as caregiver to your child, listen to your instincts.

Also, if Dh is there - HE IS THE PARENT, therefore there is absolutely no need for a babysitter! Does MIL seriously not believe her son can look after his own child? Kind of insulting to your DH.

Good luck!

[Rhoxie]

I'd say no - and that DH was looking forward to spending quality time with his daughter but would it be ok if perhaps DH and granddaughter popped up for a special visit every couple of Saturdays ;)

[katiek]

I think she is basically saying "let me look after her or else". We have been taking her for visits but she wants more. It doesnt help as she has found out (thanks to DH's big mouth) that my mother is caring for DD on Wed-Fri while I also work. MIL works full time and can't look after DD during the week so is jealous perhaps. She thinks DH needs a break after working a stressful week and the last thing he would want to do is look after his DD for 4 hours on a Saturday.

She has made it clear that if we dont give her a chance to care for DD herself then she will cut us off from the family. DH & i dont mind this as we dont get along with her at the best of times, its DD Im worried about as she has a right to know her grandparents. She also has a right to be safe and well looked after though, right?

Arrrggh this is such a painful issue!

[subaruforestermum]

Your child deserves to be in a situation where everyone is happy, if your not happy with the situation, you will have negative energy when you are leaving, then she will sense it..IYKWIM...

I tihnk that although kids have the right to know their grandparents, its not always the best thing for them, from my experience with my sperm donors parents (my father).......

If she chooses to cut you off for making a desicion as you daughters parent she really doesnt deserve to have your daughter in her life...JMO

[Tam-I-Am]

Going back to work and being away from your child is stressful enough without having to worry about your child's wellbeing while you're there!

To me, this doesn't sound like an issue of not wanting your MIL to see or have a relationship with your DD - its an issue of health and your DD's safety. Fact #1: Smoking around a baby or child is dangerous for their health. Fact #2 putting a child to sleep on their side or tummy has been proven to be less than optimal. Fact #3 stressed mummy = stressed baby.

If your MIL is going to be so petty as to cut you off if your DH wants to look after his OWN CHILD, for goodness sakes let her. You don't need that kind of drama or stress in your life. Your MIL will be losing out - not your DD, because it sounds like she's got a very loving, stable relationship with at least one of her grandparents, your mum, and of course with you and your DH.

:hugs: Hope you guys find some peace on this issue, and soon.

[Stretchmark Diva]

OMG this is even worse - she is trying to blackmail you into allowing her to babysit! Sorry, threats like that would make me cut HER off. What an evil witch. :eek:

If you give into her threats, she will be out of control - can't you imagine? She will think that she has the right to involve herself in any parenting decision she likes or else. And if your baby has developed a relationship with her, you will be even less likely to say no to evil MIL.

As for your baby's right to know her grandmother - consider whether the benefits outweigh the risks. Is MIL a positive influence in your lives? Does she truly have your family's best interests at heart? Or is she toxic, manipulative and nasty?

To me, she doesn't sound as if she has earned the right to be grandmother.

[sabomum]

Ahhh MIL's!!

From reading your post and all the responses it seems to be quite clear to me that all MIL's are evil :devil6:

No just joking...they just have their way and don't seem to care what you say. I too have one just like it. If you think its bad having your kids see them once in a while, try living with them for the past 5 years :banghead: (loooong story - in all honesty though my MIL is not that bad, just adds to many of her opinions for me!).

Anyway, I agree, this is your DD and you are the parent. It is your turn to call the shots as such. DO NOT let her bully you into this. I think you should follow your instincts. For starters, this is your DD's health at risk, who cares what she think. Your first priority as a parent is to protect your child from anything that can harm them. We all know these days that passive smoking is just like having a cigarette yourself and is just as harmful. Don't do it!!!! For the sake of your little DD (I am sure if she could talk and understood she would not want to stay there either). Besides the fact that your husband is home anyway, he is quite capable of looking after your DD!

I would defininetly vote no no no NO!!!! Stand your ground.

[OJandMe]

The threat to cut you guys off is what concerns me most. It seems like a VERY irrational and over the top decision. My question is, if she finds it so easy to make irrational, unjustified, hotheaded threats like that what would her reaction be to a crying whingy baby who's teething or something?? Not only that but is her house completely baby proofed? Because you don't need the worry of DD having an accident because your MIL is outside having a smoke every 10mins!

She sounds irrational to me.. i wouldn't trust my boys to an irrational person, family or not... you don't make threats like that, it's mean, manipulative and bullying.
Don't let her get to you! Trust your instincts.

[melbryan]

You have to do what is best for your family if that is not seeing Grandma well then so be it. Sounds like she is a little childish about the whole thing. I very rarely leave my Ds's with MIL as I feel she can't handle them but that's OK as she has little visits which is enough for her. If my MIL started that kind of thing with me I would say if you want to be like that it's your grandkids that you are hurting not me. I have set the boundaries and she will never step over because she knows I will give her waht for so be strong and stand up to her, don't let her make you feel guilty for doing the best for your child.