View Full Version : Is this fair...what should i do?
I have 2 step daughters and i love them with all my heart and i have been a step mum to them now for 10 years. my problem is that they are getting older and they always want this and that (as all kids do) well they are going to America for 2 weeks over the holidays with their mum and step dad, which we usually have the girls on these 2 weeks, but we get them for 1 week before they go.we don't mind them going as we feel this will be a great experience for them and we want them to meet their step dads family. but the other day my eldest step daughter asked me for money so she can buy everyone a present, i was a bit taken back by this and a bit annoyed that she asked. i would not normally have a problem with this but here are my reasons...
1. we always fund the holidays when we have the girls, mother never gives the girls money for gifts.
2.we can't afford to give alot of money to buy everyone gifts, especially just after christmas and her birthday.
3. her mother and step dad are apparently loaded. so the girls always boast.
so that is my story, please tell me what should i do?
anyone? i need to hear your views on this one. should i give her the money or should it be her mother?
What a lovely girl she is, thinking of buying presents - you must be very proud.
No question - I think their mother should be giving the $!
I'm sure she was told to ask for money by her mum.
MrsMiggins
27-11-2006, 13:55
She probably asked whoever she thought might give her the money. She probably didn't think about who she was asking.
Maybe she asked her mum for some extra and she said no?
If you're on good terms with her mum, I'd just ask her what the go is? Maybe say something like "... asked us for some spending money for her trip and I thought it was a little odd so just thought I'd check with you first, in case she'd asked you & you'd said no"
Would that work?
:no: The girls mother and i don't get along, we pretend for the girls sake and that's all.she has caused alot of trouble over the years.
kirstenriley
27-11-2006, 14:21
well if you cant or dont want to, maybe just explain with xmas coming etc you really cant afford it, or how about suggesting she "earn" the money. Washing, ironing (dont know how old she is) vacumming???
well if you cant or dont want to, maybe just explain with xmas coming etc you really cant afford it, or how about suggesting she "earn" the money. Washing, ironing (dont know how old she is) vacumming???
She is only 13,i have been talking to my mum and she suggests that i ask my MIL and my SIL to put in as well as dp and i. i think that it would be ok, but i still feel that it should be up to their mum as it is on their time not ours.
I agree that she is lovely thinking of you guys and getting a pressie for you when they are away, I would explain that you dont have alot of $$ at this time, and maybe that she should just buy a pressie for her siblings (your children), and that yourself, her Dad and etc would appreciate the gesture, but will happily just accept her story about the holiday, and she doesnt need to waste money on presents for you all.. IYKWIM, Id just give her a little for each of your children, and thats it.
Christmas is hard enough without having to give money when the kids are with their mother, thats her job when they are with her, regardless, really
well i think you have to pretend a bit more in this case hey there is going to be alot of this situation in the future believe me!! and as much as you don,t want to communicate with her mum you need to in these cases, im not saying to go and have latte,s with the women but you need to get this straight no matter what the past! in the future there is going to be weddings, 21st all things where some things are going to be talked over! you should feel good to that she come to you as the step parent sometimes is the last!..goodluck:thumbsup: jo
In situations such as these I always refer the matter on to my hubby - after all they are his kids, not mine, and the maintenance is technically out of his money.
We know a lot of what is asked for is from their mum via the kids and that's the reason we would not give money when the kids aren't with us. Knowing my stepkids (DSD is 13 and DSS is 11 - I've been with their dad for 9years), the money would be asked for for presents for others, but would be spent on themselves.
In our situation, we'd probably direct them back to their mother as if the money is really needed - she'll ask me to pay the maintenance early. Just like I've been asked to pay 2lots on 14th December and no lot on 28th December.
So - no we probably wouldn't give it - but it's up to you, I know how tricky these situations can be.
could you suggest that instead of presents what you'd really love would be a scrapbook of her holiday? You could buy her a disposable camera and a diary and talk it up about how much you would all love that coz then when she shows it to everyone they'll feel like they all went along. a 13 yr old would probably love this idea! And you can talk about what a great keepsake it would be for her as well!
In situations such as these I always refer the matter on to my hubby - after all they are his kids, not mine, and the maintenance is technically out of his money.
We know a lot of what is asked for is from their mum via the kids and that's the reason we would not give money when the kids aren't with us. Knowing my stepkids (DSD is 13 and DSS is 11 - I've been with their dad for 9years), the money would be asked for for presents for others, but would be spent on themselves.
In our situation, we'd probably direct them back to their mother as if the money is really needed - she'll ask me to pay the maintenance early. Just like I've been asked to pay 2lots on 14th December and no lot on 28th December.
So - no we probably wouldn't give it - but it's up to you, I know how tricky these situations can be.
I agree!!!! :thumbsup:
Hannahs Mum
30-11-2006, 06:43
Knowing my stepdaughter and her mother. Her mother probably told her to ask us for the money as they are funding the holiday. Or she would spend all the money buying her mother a gift not us. But that is just me... I wouldn't be giving money but I really like the idea of the disposable camera and scrapbook. My DSD will be going to NZ next year with her grandparents... if she ask for money for pressie's I will suggest this.
Thanks everyone for your replies, well i saw dsd yesterday and i explained that we couldn't afford to give the money that she wanted and explained that she will be getting money for her birthday as well as christmas. and that we didn't want a present and we wanted her to enjoy herself when she goes away, not having to buy gifts.she accepted that but later on calls me a tight a##e because i buy second hand clothing.i must admit i like going to savers every now and then but so what.it made me think just how spoilt she is at home and she will never understand the concept of money. it's sad really. just had to vent.
Vent away trina...
I don't know how different your situation is from ours, but I know my step children's opinion of us is going to be distorted by the fact that no one on their mother's side works and so money is there for the taking. Whenever we spend money, we consider that it cost me (or hubby) so many hours to make that $100 or whatever it is. You can't have a true idea about value of money until you've worked to earn it.
I remember having a heated discussion with my stepkids' biomum about how I earned money for my kids, didn't just receive money for them. As far as i'm concerned - she doesn't earn the money she gets for them, and when she asks for more - it's bound to rub us up the wrong way. However, it gets the kids thinking the same thing - want more money - ask for it - Don't work harder for it!!!
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