Brother hasn't been to see my son!!

[our little treasures]

I have a brother that has recently lost his daughter thru CMV. Now I know he is very hurt and sad etc, but my ds is now 10wks and other than bumping into us at a funeral he doesnt ring or see us. I was there from day 1 of my nieces birth infact I took them to RCH and visited every night for months and months (45min drive there). My son stopped breathing and had to have heart scans etc so my bro said he didnt want to see him as he was sick, remind him of his dd etc.

But I feel if it was reversed I would be there now no matter what!! Then I found out he had been to see wifes friends baby within days of funeral??????????

I'm hurt as he didnt come for dd either his son and my dd share same birthdate but his wife left hosi within hrs of delivery as if nothing had happened and I had haemarroged and needed 2 blood transusions but here I was third degree tear driving 1 hr and half up the highway to see my nephew!!! the day after i was released from hosi...

I'm now so hurt that i am planning on visiting mum at different times on chrissy..

[hummingbird]

Hi there,

I am not sure what CMV is? In my experience men of the family tend to alienate themselves from family in a crisis and gravitate to their friends. I think it has something to do with them being worried they will be more prone to breaking down / feeling sad when with family. I find it a bit difficult to understand myself, but then everyone deals with grief in a different way.

The only advice I can offer is to not take your brother's actions personally. What he needs from you right now is support. He might not let you know out loud that he appreciates you, but I am sure in time it will be expressed. Family members tend to take for granted the support of others, and I hate to say it, especially the men. It might be especially tough for him to see you with your new baby as it is much closer to home for him than it is with a friends baby.

Christmas is such a special time for family so I would wait until the day before you decide not to see him. If there is a day you should all be together, Christmas Day is it.

[Jadesmum]

Hi there, I'm not sure what CMV means either. I'm not sure if you're brother has lost his daughter due to a divorce? Or if she has passed away.

If she has passed away, well it's said that the pain of losing a child is the worst grief that anyone has to contend with. And Grief is a funny thing and people do deal very differently with it and it has many phases. You can never really know how it feels unless you've been through it. I havn't lost a child thankfully, but I have had two brothers die and even though it was devastating for me, I really can't begin to describe the depth of trauma that my parents have suffered. It's unbearable for them. So if this is the case, and your brothers little girl has passed away, as hard as it may be for you, you really need to accept that he is dealing with it the only way he knows how and the reality of seeing his siblings with their children may just be far too overwhelming for him. It may be a long long time before you have your brother 'back', and even then he will have changed. Just Love oneanother best you can and purposely not seeing him on Christmas day will probably cause further hurt to him and your mum, as she has lost a grand daughter too.

Anyhow, if I'm wrong in this situation I'm sorry. I only guess that you mean she has passed away by when you mentioned visiting her in hospital for months on end?

Take care, and best of luck Lisa xxx

[pegasus]

Firstly - CMV is cytomegalovirus - can manifest many different ways - but basically main detail is that it's a virus that can cause serious illness in newborns.

Big hugs to you and your brother angelbaby - it's an unbelievable pain to lose a child that's close to you (including a neice).

I agree with the other two girls that grief is a personal thing and that you "may not have your brother back for a while", and while this may seem like just words, as noone can say they truly know how you feel if they haven't been in your shoes, just know we do understand it's a difficult time. Hearing your story about haemorrages and transfusions reminds me of when my sister gave birth to my most gorgeous neice. Both are doing fantastically today but we thought we'd lost them both at various times - getting tears just remembering.

As for your brother seeing his wife's friend's baby - that does seem like a really hard thing to deal with (particularly considering the hard time you've been through). There's obviously a lot we don't know about what's going on for your brother and on some levels there's no excuse for him seeing someone else and not you. Please consider what Siobhan said about Christmas still being a fair while off and maybe put off your decision about family till then. Otherwise, can you talk to your mum or dad (or another brother or sister) and maybe get one of them to talk to your brother and let him know that you're hurting too?

Just suggestions, and no matter what is going on for your brother and you, just know that others are there for you to talk to. We may not know what it feels like, but we can only try.

Veronica

[Ana Gram]

Give your brother some time! The last thing he wants to see right now is a happy family with their child. Christmas is a while away yet, so don't make any concrete choices yet.
You can speculate what you might do if the tables were turned but the truth is you don't know how you would react if your child died. Imagine how it would be for him, it's almost like "Hey I know you have lost your daughter, bu come look at my son and see how happy we are." I know I would certainly be avoiding people with children if my daughter died.

[nemosmum]

I am deeply sorry for your brothers/families loss, its very sad to lose a baby so young :( and big hugs to you too with your son sick and not so nice birth you must be an emotional wreck, so I can understand your need for your family/brothers support right now.

However if I had lost my baby the way he had I dont think I'd be paying too much attention to who was coming in to visit my child at the hospital, all my focus would be on the most important thing.....my baby and not whether or not my sis was visiting. Maybe its unfair to expect so much of him right now, like others have mentioned before it can be very hard for men to deal with their emotions.

Perhaps seeing that other baby was a mistake and has hurt him so deeply that he doesnt want to go through it again, right now. Or perhaps he was talked into seeing the bub by his wife?

I dont think you can judge him for the way he copes with his bubs death coz Im assuming you've never lost a child, but if you have even then everyone is different.

Please hang in there and dont give up on your brother, lifes too short and he probably needs you more then ever before, the christmas holidays can be very painful for those who have lost loved ones.

My thoughts are with you coz I know its not easy to get over being hurt by those we truly love and care about.Wishing your bub a speedy recovery :)

[Jadesmum]

Hi there, I couldn't stop thinking about you and your brother lastnight and hoping things turn out well for you. Just wanted to add another couple of points.

If your brother and his wife have only recently lost their child, they will barely even be functioning as 'normal' and will just be scraping through their days any way they can. They really won't have any emotional energy 'left over' so to speak, to be able to worry about how everyone else is feeling. Getting through themselves will be hard enough without any added pressure.

I remember mum telling me way back that one of the most hurtful things she dealt with after losing her sons was the lack of support from her family and friends. There were just a select few friends that were absolutely wonderful to them. And some of those relationships have never been repaired fully as mum will always feel she was 'let down' when she needed them most. I think most people just find it a very awkward situation to deal with and find it easier to avoid.

I know it has been a terrible time for you as well, and of course no one is dimissing your pain at all. But I think you may need to put it in to perspective in relation to how your brother and his family are feeling.

I think the best thing would be to let him know that although you don't know how he's feeling that you are there for him. This really is a time you could strengthen the sibling bond, rather than cause it to breakdown further which may be very hard to repair (maybe impossible)

Just my opinion anyway and in no way meant to offend, just trying to help you with this delicate situation and help you see it from another point of view.

Good luck, Lisa xxxx

[Angel_baby_1982]

I agree with jadesmum and everyone else!

Make an effort, your brother is going through probobly the most difficult thing he will ever have to deal with, you can't blame him for behaving eraticaly, would you be thinking straight? I know I wouldn't.

I was devestated after my m/c at 8 weeks! If had to give birth to it full term, and i'd got to see and hold that baby and then watch it suffer before it died it would have been even more traumatic! I withdrew into myself aswell for ages, didn't want to visit anyone but hubby dragged me out to see his mum and my parents found out and got offended coz we hadn't visited them....sound familiar?

What is your relationship with your sis-in-law like? It is possible he went to see her friend only because she wanted to visit her friend and get some support after such an ordeal.

Don't ruin christmas over this, it's hard enough for everyone, be the stronger person here, get in touch with your brother, just for a catch up chat, please don't guilt him for not visiting you! That's not what he needs right now.

Also, guys deal with things differently. Women often feel the need for family ad friends to gather around them for support, men withdraw into themselves, don't want a fuss, they grieve privately.

Let us know how things are going, take care of yourself, don't take your brother's actions too personally, he's not doing it to hurt you and you will solve nothing by being vindictive.

Best of luck to you and your family.

[Jadesmum]

And just to add to the comment I made that noone is dismissing your pain of course as it has been a hard time for you too. But I also think you have to consider that you still HAVE your son and bucket loads of hope for the future. Your brother and his wife DONT HAVE their little girl anymore and they can NEVER have her back. It is final. This is their reality that they are living everyday. A living Hell.

I hope you don't dismiss what everyone has said because not all of it will be what you want to hear of course. But I think it would be wise to take it all on board as I'm sure down the track it will strengthen the relationships around you. Try to not be so preoccupied with your own feelings and have a little bit more compassion for what others around you are feeling. It's possible you havn't grasped the gravity of their situation just yet. And that is understandable too of course because you havn't been through it. Perhaps look to others for support for yourself that are more emotionally capable at this stage of providing you some.

Best of Luck, Lisa