*Country Bumpkin*
16-11-2006, 09:44 PM
After watching half of a program called "The Choice" on SBS tonight I feel that I need to share an important part of my life with you all. I need to heal and letting this out will help.
2 1/2 yrs ago- 2 days before my 15th birthday I had a termination. My b/f at the time was 20 I was 15 and on the path to self destruction I was doing things I'm not proud of so this was bound to happen.
I was late and finally it sunk in that I might be pregnant. I told my mum who took me to the Dr. I did a urine test and it was negative. I was so happy I took it home to show my bf. I put it next to my bed after showing him and went to sleep happy
When I woke in the morning I looked and it was positive my stomach sunk. I felt lie I wanted to be sick. 10mins later the Dr called and wanted me to go back in right away- I already knew why. the blood tests came back the news was devastating........Positive
The dr asked me what I wanted to do and I instantly made the decision to keep my baby. I told my b/f and he instantly decided I had to terminate. I had no other choice in his eyes-he said he'd leave and I couldn't do it alone
There were tears and anger and utter confusion. In some ways I think I was in disbelief- I think to some point I still am
I can remember lying on my bed shaking crying and feeling so much hurt while mum tried to comfort me. I DIDN'T want to terminate the pregnancy. In my eyes termination had never been an option.
After about 3 days I called the office to make the "appointment"
My mum who had started a new job the previous day drove myself and my BF to the appointment and in we went. I felt numb but at the same time felt so much hurt and pain knowing what I was about to do. I didn't want to do this- I didn't want to make this choice.
We went in and there were problems. They wouldn't let me have it without mums consent so here I was faxing my mum a consent form to say it was ok to kill my baby. When that was finally done 2 hrs later I was taken into have a scan. I didn't see my baby. They never asked if I wanted to see bub. I was never given the choice.
I was told to get my things and change into the surgical gown. I looked over and saw my BF paying for the termination via eftpos casually chatting to the receptionist like nothing was going on- it was like a normal day shopping for him
I changed and then had to sit in a room with 2 other women while we all waited to be taken "through" we chatted casually about our reasons for terminating then it was my turn
They put me on the bed. Asked me to put my legs in the stirrups then I remember someone saying "I'm just going to give up the equivalent to 3 gin and tonics" then black I was out
I was woken by a nurse who made me get up and go into a room with recliners and a desk. The other women were there too. Nobody spoke and you could feel the hurt in the air. You could see the devastation on everyone's faces- but nobody said a word
I was told I could get dressed and go. Everything hurt my body, my soul and my heart
My b/f was waiting for me with flowers. We got in a cab and went home. I don't remember the trip home or getting inside- I was too groggy
I lay in bed and he sat down next to me. He said " You do know that If you hadn't had the abortion I wouldn't have left you.. I only said it cause I knew you would do it if I said Id leave" I never thought about that again until recently
From that point on our relationship went downhill. We moved in together but it didn't last and we split up and I moved on to the next self destructive path of my life.
There was no discussion, no counselling nothing. I was left to deal with the pain,anger and hurt that all this had caused.
In hinds sight I know that I couldn't have cared for a baby the way he/she deserved to be cared for - and I made the best decision for my child.
I have cried over this. I'm not ashamed I wish it hadn't happened though.
I wish that bub could be here with us now. But I cant change what I have done. Ill never know my baby and there's nothing I can do to change that
I look at skyla and I just wonder what could have been- what was my baby like? who would he she have turned out to be? so many questions that will never be answered- all because of one mistake
A lifetime of hurt is all im left with. Ex moved on- forgot about it. Me- Im left to remember the pain and sadness and that feeling will never leave me no matter how hard I try
I don't even know if bub was a boy or a girl- I wonder that every single day- and it hurts. it kills me not knowing.
2 1/2 yrs ago- 2 days before my 15th birthday I had a termination. My b/f at the time was 20 I was 15 and on the path to self destruction I was doing things I'm not proud of so this was bound to happen.
I was late and finally it sunk in that I might be pregnant. I told my mum who took me to the Dr. I did a urine test and it was negative. I was so happy I took it home to show my bf. I put it next to my bed after showing him and went to sleep happy
When I woke in the morning I looked and it was positive my stomach sunk. I felt lie I wanted to be sick. 10mins later the Dr called and wanted me to go back in right away- I already knew why. the blood tests came back the news was devastating........Positive
The dr asked me what I wanted to do and I instantly made the decision to keep my baby. I told my b/f and he instantly decided I had to terminate. I had no other choice in his eyes-he said he'd leave and I couldn't do it alone
There were tears and anger and utter confusion. In some ways I think I was in disbelief- I think to some point I still am
I can remember lying on my bed shaking crying and feeling so much hurt while mum tried to comfort me. I DIDN'T want to terminate the pregnancy. In my eyes termination had never been an option.
After about 3 days I called the office to make the "appointment"
My mum who had started a new job the previous day drove myself and my BF to the appointment and in we went. I felt numb but at the same time felt so much hurt and pain knowing what I was about to do. I didn't want to do this- I didn't want to make this choice.
We went in and there were problems. They wouldn't let me have it without mums consent so here I was faxing my mum a consent form to say it was ok to kill my baby. When that was finally done 2 hrs later I was taken into have a scan. I didn't see my baby. They never asked if I wanted to see bub. I was never given the choice.
I was told to get my things and change into the surgical gown. I looked over and saw my BF paying for the termination via eftpos casually chatting to the receptionist like nothing was going on- it was like a normal day shopping for him
I changed and then had to sit in a room with 2 other women while we all waited to be taken "through" we chatted casually about our reasons for terminating then it was my turn
They put me on the bed. Asked me to put my legs in the stirrups then I remember someone saying "I'm just going to give up the equivalent to 3 gin and tonics" then black I was out
I was woken by a nurse who made me get up and go into a room with recliners and a desk. The other women were there too. Nobody spoke and you could feel the hurt in the air. You could see the devastation on everyone's faces- but nobody said a word
I was told I could get dressed and go. Everything hurt my body, my soul and my heart
My b/f was waiting for me with flowers. We got in a cab and went home. I don't remember the trip home or getting inside- I was too groggy
I lay in bed and he sat down next to me. He said " You do know that If you hadn't had the abortion I wouldn't have left you.. I only said it cause I knew you would do it if I said Id leave" I never thought about that again until recently
From that point on our relationship went downhill. We moved in together but it didn't last and we split up and I moved on to the next self destructive path of my life.
There was no discussion, no counselling nothing. I was left to deal with the pain,anger and hurt that all this had caused.
In hinds sight I know that I couldn't have cared for a baby the way he/she deserved to be cared for - and I made the best decision for my child.
I have cried over this. I'm not ashamed I wish it hadn't happened though.
I wish that bub could be here with us now. But I cant change what I have done. Ill never know my baby and there's nothing I can do to change that
I look at skyla and I just wonder what could have been- what was my baby like? who would he she have turned out to be? so many questions that will never be answered- all because of one mistake
A lifetime of hurt is all im left with. Ex moved on- forgot about it. Me- Im left to remember the pain and sadness and that feeling will never leave me no matter how hard I try
I don't even know if bub was a boy or a girl- I wonder that every single day- and it hurts. it kills me not knowing.