babylover111
15-11-2006, 22:14
I dont expect people to reply to this, its more so I can open up and get down how I'm feeling.
All throughout my life I have been overweight, I think it started probably when I was around 12 and started packing on the pounds. I remember my family used to try and pressure me into losing weight and it used to frustrate me so much because as a 12 year old it honestly didnt bother me at all. I had lots of friends and everything was good for me I used to keep asking myself why my family saw it as such a huge issue and then when I decided to ask my mum she said "Because you have such a pretty face, it's a pity" I think that was when I was about 14 and thats when my whole weight issues started, thinking just because I was overweight it meant that I wasnt pretty and that only thin girls could be pretty.
Anyway I continued on being the same size and I was happy until I reached the age around 15 when I realised I couldnt fit into all the nice clothes that my friends were wearing, it didnt bother me unless I was shoping with them though, I didnt really see it as a huge issue.
Then around when I was 16 my sister was diagonsed with anorexia. And as everyone knows when someone is anorexic there come other mental issues too, we used to fight very often and she'd point out how fat I was. I knew it was only her mental condition talking about my weight but the truth was that I WAS fat. Once again I dont like doing things people tell me to do so in the effort to make myself feel like I was in control I kept on eating, I ate until I weighed 106kg and to be honest it didnt bother me. I had a boyfriend who loved me for who I was and a large circle of friends.
As soon as I left school last year I started to work with children more often, and we all know how silly children can be and I heard it from some kids "You've got a big tummy" but I'd just shrug it off as kids being kids. Then one six year old I look after her sister called me fat and it shocked me and the six year old looked at me with such love in her eyes and said to me "Do you ever have time to go to the gym?" It was the first time a child had asked me a question with love behind it and not in a rude way. As soon as she said this I knew I had to change, if only she knew I have turned around and lost 29kg because of one line she had said! Actually, thats not completely true. I also started to lose the weight because I had broken up with my boyfriend of three years and he had a girlfriend a week later and I thought to myself "I'll show him!" but after a while I realised that it was about ME and how i feel about myself now I dont have the support of another loving person.
Anyway im blabbering on because my thoughts are absolutely everywhere. Now that I have lost 29kg I feel fantastic when I look at myself in the mirror and exercise and healthy eating are just part of my everyday life but I have trouble believing its me when I look in the mirror. Ive had this all my life, when I look straight into the mirror I always think "Is that really me?" because I always imagine myself as uglier than i am, once again its another self esteem issue coming up for me. I have to learn to love myself and know that I AM beautiful and I am a good person but for some reason I can convince everyone else when they're in times of trouble but not myself.
Also I saw an ad for weight watchers today with Kirsty Alley on it and shes lost only three more kilos than me and I look at her and think "why does she look much more different than I do after this change?" Now im starting to worry, this is consuming my life at the moment what happens when I do reach my goal weight? It seems like it has been a bit of a cover up of my pain when I broke up with my boyfriend and that I live and breathe my weight. Ah I know Ill keep it off because I have the motivation and a fantastic personal trainer but how will i stop myself from keeping on going?
Now when people tell me I look good it does make me happy but it also makes me want to binge eat for some reason, I havent actually done the binge eating but it makes me feel like I should just dig in. Its really interesting who hasnt said anything, some of the nicest people I know havent even noticed ive lost weight and it makes me smile to think that they dont focus on the appearance of people but rather their inside personality.
There we go, thats enough out for tonight I think!
All throughout my life I have been overweight, I think it started probably when I was around 12 and started packing on the pounds. I remember my family used to try and pressure me into losing weight and it used to frustrate me so much because as a 12 year old it honestly didnt bother me at all. I had lots of friends and everything was good for me I used to keep asking myself why my family saw it as such a huge issue and then when I decided to ask my mum she said "Because you have such a pretty face, it's a pity" I think that was when I was about 14 and thats when my whole weight issues started, thinking just because I was overweight it meant that I wasnt pretty and that only thin girls could be pretty.
Anyway I continued on being the same size and I was happy until I reached the age around 15 when I realised I couldnt fit into all the nice clothes that my friends were wearing, it didnt bother me unless I was shoping with them though, I didnt really see it as a huge issue.
Then around when I was 16 my sister was diagonsed with anorexia. And as everyone knows when someone is anorexic there come other mental issues too, we used to fight very often and she'd point out how fat I was. I knew it was only her mental condition talking about my weight but the truth was that I WAS fat. Once again I dont like doing things people tell me to do so in the effort to make myself feel like I was in control I kept on eating, I ate until I weighed 106kg and to be honest it didnt bother me. I had a boyfriend who loved me for who I was and a large circle of friends.
As soon as I left school last year I started to work with children more often, and we all know how silly children can be and I heard it from some kids "You've got a big tummy" but I'd just shrug it off as kids being kids. Then one six year old I look after her sister called me fat and it shocked me and the six year old looked at me with such love in her eyes and said to me "Do you ever have time to go to the gym?" It was the first time a child had asked me a question with love behind it and not in a rude way. As soon as she said this I knew I had to change, if only she knew I have turned around and lost 29kg because of one line she had said! Actually, thats not completely true. I also started to lose the weight because I had broken up with my boyfriend of three years and he had a girlfriend a week later and I thought to myself "I'll show him!" but after a while I realised that it was about ME and how i feel about myself now I dont have the support of another loving person.
Anyway im blabbering on because my thoughts are absolutely everywhere. Now that I have lost 29kg I feel fantastic when I look at myself in the mirror and exercise and healthy eating are just part of my everyday life but I have trouble believing its me when I look in the mirror. Ive had this all my life, when I look straight into the mirror I always think "Is that really me?" because I always imagine myself as uglier than i am, once again its another self esteem issue coming up for me. I have to learn to love myself and know that I AM beautiful and I am a good person but for some reason I can convince everyone else when they're in times of trouble but not myself.
Also I saw an ad for weight watchers today with Kirsty Alley on it and shes lost only three more kilos than me and I look at her and think "why does she look much more different than I do after this change?" Now im starting to worry, this is consuming my life at the moment what happens when I do reach my goal weight? It seems like it has been a bit of a cover up of my pain when I broke up with my boyfriend and that I live and breathe my weight. Ah I know Ill keep it off because I have the motivation and a fantastic personal trainer but how will i stop myself from keeping on going?
Now when people tell me I look good it does make me happy but it also makes me want to binge eat for some reason, I havent actually done the binge eating but it makes me feel like I should just dig in. Its really interesting who hasnt said anything, some of the nicest people I know havent even noticed ive lost weight and it makes me smile to think that they dont focus on the appearance of people but rather their inside personality.
There we go, thats enough out for tonight I think!