Help for my Sister in Law

[Bec]

Hi,

My Bro and SIL had their first baby on Friday. He is the most adorable little boy and we all love him very much. I am actually pregnant with my first child too and am due in Feb.

I am writing in this thread because I would like some advice from mothers. My SIL's mother and my brother do not talk at all. My SIL does not blame my brother because she knows what her mother can be like ( very psychotic and controlling). Anyway, over the weekend, my SIL's mother has been visiting her at the hospital telling her how to look after the baby, telling her she is doing it wrong, has made her cry on two ocassions and last night ( after being told not to come back to the hospital) told my SIL that she needed to see a psychiatrist and that my brother is good for nothing. She has tried to split her and my brother up for a year or more.

My SIL is not a very strong person and I am afraid that in her emotional state she may start to believe her mum and doubt her ability to look after her baby and turn against my brother.

She is coming home from hosptial today and I will ring tonight to see if she wants me to keep her company during the week ( as my bro has to go back to work).

Anyway, I just want to hear from some mums to get some advice as to how I can help my SIL without interferring to much. I know she feels comfortable talking to me so I suppose the best thing I can do is listen to her and support her.

I am really worried and being an older sister I just want to protect them but not overstep the mark at the same time.

Thanks

Bec

[Jadesmum]

Hi Bec, i'd get in there and give my brother a nudge and tell him what your real fears are in concern to his MIL. I suggest that you suggest to him to get right in there at bathing time, helping round the house, cooking yadda yadda, and generally making it as easy a transition as possible for your sister in law into motherhood as it is exhausting aye. Tell you bro not to let his MIL take his place. Anyhow, only my thoughts xxxx

[Mummabear]

Hi Bec,

I agree with JadesMum - tell you bro not to let his MIL take his place. He needs to become an active father straight away, and if SIL is fragile, all the more reason to help her out. Surely once his MIL sees what a fantastic partner and father he is she will have no choice but to back off. But as you said, being their for your SIL is one of the best things you can do personally.

Good luck!

[SweetSerenity]

Hi Bec,
You are soo sweet!
Like the other girls said, get in your brothers ear and tell him to make sure to help your SIL as much as possible. It's the most overwhelming feeling being a first time mum and she'll need all the love and support that you can all give her.
It's great that you're offering to be there for her too! Wish i had SIL like you (i don't even have one lol).
Also, make sure your brother stands up for his wife when her mums trying to be controlling...she needs to know not to cross the line and let them enjoy being first time parents. Especially because this stage passes so quickly!
Take care and good luck!
Natalie xx

[talon]

i agree with all of the above. i would also add that if you are around there then giving some positive feedback is really important also. even if it is just a passing comment on "how confident she looks handling her bub" or that "bub looks really happy and content - must be your skills! :D ". I think that type of positive emotional support is a great confidence booster for people. And if it all goes to plan, she will gain a lot of confidence in her ability to look after her bub (because i am sure she is/or will be a natural!) And hopefully the confidence boost will override the negativity from the grandparent.

[Ky]

The other thing I would do is remind your sil that it has been a long time since her mil has had a newborn and that over the years her memory will have become cloudy and she is looking at how things were for her through rose coloured glasses!

Having a newborn (especially your first!) is a real time of major adjustment ... let your sil know that she is doing a fantastic job and that you will be coming to her for advise when your little one arrives next year. Tell her that it is wise to listen to her Mum and then to disregard most of the advice as soon as she walks out of the door/hangs the phone up! It is just like all of the birth horror stories that people seem to love telling you when you are pregnant ... each piece of advice needs to taken with a grain of salt and your own way found!

If your sil and her baby are happy together, encourage her in her efforts ... remind her that a happy Mum who provides love, care and attention is what her baby needs most - not an overbearing grandmother who is trying to force Mum into something that is just going to make her miserable and therefore her baby unsettled.

A gentle reminder that she has her own family to think of now as priority and that her mother is not needed as the dominant family member in this one. She and your brother need to sit and discuss the level of involvement that her mother is to have and then let her mother know this in a combined effort. Her mother may be put out for a while, but no grandmother (unless she is totally unfeeling) can resist a gorgeous new grandchild and will ... maybe begrudgingly ... start to accept that it is not always her way that is the best.

Big hugs to your sil and big hugs to you ... you are a fantastic sil to be willing to step in help her ... I'm sure that she will be there for you when your time arrives!

Enjoy your nephew ... delight in him and let his Mum know how well she is doing!

[nemosmum]

Keep telling her shes a great mum, boost her self confidence in order to counter all the bad vibes her mum is sending her.

The greatest thing my sis ever did for me when I went through the baby blues and the tough first couple of weeks was to tell me how proud she was of me, how wonderful I was with my bub and how settled he was when I was near him. It made the world of difference and I started beliving it which was the best gift of all.

By the way I think your a wonderful SIL and shes very lucky to have you :)

[Bec]

Thanks everyone for your kind words and your advice. I had a chat to my brother yesterday and he knows what he has to do.
I am heading around to see them in my lunch break today. I will definately encourage my SIL and let her know she is doing a great job.