Emotional Rollercoaster

[JuniorMinime]

Hi everyone,
I just thought that we could start a thread where we can all discuss our feelings whether they are good or bad. People gireve in different ways and it's sometimes good to let it all out and have cry (so to speak) or to even rant and rave!!

At the moment I am on the most emotional rollercoaster I have ever been on. When I lost Ethan it was nothing like this. I have everyone saying that this person I have become isn't me and that it's all ok.

I don't feel ok, in fact I feel like I am 'loosing it'. I snap at every little thing, I cry at a drop of a hat and I am ending up in a lot of arguments when i don't want to. So I then get angry at myself for doing that and then I put more pressure on myself!! I feel like my depression has come back but I don't want to go on anti depressants it was hard to get off them the last time. But I don't like the way I am feeling. I am hoping that when I see my doc this arvo (who is also a counsellor) will be able to help without medication. Maybe I can have acupunture to de-stress me!!!

Well I could go on but then none of you would want to talk to me so I will write more soon. I hope that you all come in and talk so we can all help each other. I just know that I am suffering at the moment and I don't want too!

Becs

[mumsluv]

Hi Becs

You're so right - we all grieve in different ways and there is so much pressure on us from others to act in a certain way or just get over it. I think this has more to do with their own discomfort with facing their emotions than anything else. When I had my ectopic at the beginning of this year, I was ok initially but, as circumstances with my DH changed and the due date for my baby came closer, the grief I thought I had dealt with came back with a vengeance. We were having marriage counselling at the time and DH told me that I needed to go ony mu own for a session to talk about my grief. He told me that he found my inability to let it go irritating and that the counsellor should give me strategies to just get over it because he had. She pretty much shrugged this off and told me that everyone grieves differently, that it is like a mountain - some go stright to the top and others take the long way round.

Feelings are feelings. It sounds like you're struggling with more than just grief and I hope that the dr can help you find the pece that you crave soon.

We're all here to listen so don't feel that you have to censor your posts.

:hugs:
Mumsluv

[LilMissnBoo]

Hi Becs,

It’s hard isn’t it? I am having an awful time at the moment too and I have no idea how to get over it. I have never felt like this before in my life! I am usually happy and a little bit nuts! But lately I just can’t seem to find my smile, and when I do it feels fake and forced.

I just don’t care anymore, I can’t concentrate at work, but I can’t be at home because I just think about it all the time. And the times that I’m not thinking about it, all of a sudden the pain comes back and it hurts so much.

Becs, remember you are lot alone and we are here to help you get thru this. It was such a great idea for you to start this thread. I know it makes it a little bit easier for me to know that there are people here on BH who are going thru the exact same thing.

Take care Bella :hugs:

[JuniorMinime]

Thanks Bella,

It is nice to know that there are women out there that are going through different things and feelings. I have always said that it is better to talk about it but it's hard when I talk to my friends as they go all silent and act weird. Has anyone felt that?

I am also struggling to BD at the moment, is anyone else? I am still waiting for AF to come and it still hasn't but I don't want to go running to the dr all the time and stress myself out (I can be a stresser - hehe).

It's good to do things to take it off your mind but I start to feel guilty sometimes, weird I know but I am getting there.

This thread has certainly helped me and I hope that others join and write their feelings as well so we can help each other!! :p

Becs

[mumsluv]

Hi Becs

Can totally relate to your comments about BD. I feel the same. I just don;t seem to find pleasure in it anymore - in my mind, it has become more about procreation than about pleasure and I can't help but feel sad and teary at the end (which upsets DH no end as he takes it as a personal rejection). Each time, all I can think about is that its a lost opportunity to maybe make a new person and bring more joy into the world.

I can also relate to your experiences with your friends. At this time in our lives, it seems we are surrounded by people falling pg easily and having happy healthy pregnancies. I don't want to spoil it but I struggle with feelings of jealousy. My best friend had her 1st baby just a few days after my angel baby was due. I know she finds it hard to know what to say etc with me atm. I try to share her happiness but always have the thought in the back of my mind that we could have been sharing this on a different level if my angel baby had made it.

Without wanting to sound preachy, it has been at this time that I have re-discovered God in my life and find it so helpful to meditate on him each day and believe that he will return to me what has been stolen from me.

With AF, after my ectopic, it took about 5 or 6 weeks for AF to come back and that was hard too - a bit of a slap in the face to remind you of what might have been.

Don't be too hard on yourself. You ARE strong and courageous! Be kind to yourself atm.

:wave: Mumsluv

[angelickaren]

hi ladies i feel the same too i just cant get over it at all as i should be now 12 weeks or so but im not :crying: i just feel so bad as i was so happy to preg again so soon after jacinta. I think its hard to expalian how you feel to people as i go to mothers group a couple of the mums who i have gotten really close too i told them all about and they have been fantansic support to me. We have just moved and i had to box up all my maternity clothes as i dont need them at the moment that was really hard i had a good cry doing that my mil was their too and she knew about it so she just looked at me and then walked over to me and gave me a huge:hugs: which was what i needed but i look at my life i have 3 great kids i know i will have more and i am thankful for what i got.

[Jules16]

Hey ladies. I am feeling the same way too. One minute I think I'm starting to feel better and then wham - it just all comes back and more. I too feel like I may be starting to suffer depression. I spoke to my doc last week about maybe going back onto medication (which I stopped a year ago) and she didn't think it was a good idea as we are planning to ttc again soon. I am seeing my chinese herbalist tomorrow so am going to see if she can give me something. My husband is working 12 hours plus a day at the moment in setting up his business. So I feel so alone and am just trying to keep busy by going out with friends - but of course they don't understand. And my two closest friends are also pg and due about the same time as when I was due. And now they are starting to show it's just getting harder to be with them. I don't have any family here in Victoria though so I really rely on my friends for their support. Particularly with DH being so busy (which will only be for another month before his hours will return to normal). I find it really hard to concentrate at work aswell. Everything is such an effort. All signs of depression. So I am hearing you. Take care ladies!! :hugs: :hugs: It's great to have a place to talk.

[Shakey]

Hi everyone :wave: , Bec's I think its a good idea to have a thread like this, I've been thinking of starting one for a while now but just hadn't gotten round to doing it, its good to beable to talk about it and let our feelings out, we all greive in different ways, and males definatly greive differently, my DH doesn't get over out losses easily but alot easier that what I do, its a long hard road, its somthing that we all will never get over, but the pain does get easier, our baby's will always be here with us, as they were a part of us, I think of my boy's often, and I know they are with me and watching over their brother

:hugs: to you all

[JuniorMinime]

Hi All,

Just wanted to pop in and post a thread to tell you how I am. I finally got my AF (which is like 7 weeks after the DC) and it is killing me. I have never felt these pains before and while we are trying to move house it's proving to be a challenge.

We are having arguments with our on site managers at out complex where we rent and I think that it will be going to the small claims tribunal so funfun. We are breaking our lease but we want it terminated due to the fact that they have verbally abused me and my fiancee and they have alse entered our premises when we weren't there. Naughty Naughty.

I just can't wait to get out of there for good. We have now decided to not get married until April 2008 ( which was when our two babies were supposed to be born) so we are going to turn it into a happy month. But in the meantime we are going to buy a house by about september next year!!! SO more stressful times ahead.

Still struggling but went to the dr and he has given me some medication (not anti depressants) which is helping a lot. Cause I started getting really angry and frustrated which is not me at all.

Well I better start work but hope to hear from you all and your stories on how you are all going.

[LilMissnBoo]

Hey Becs! It’s good to hear from you! Sorry about all the trouble you and your DF are having! It would be the last thing that you need!! I hope things work out well for you both :hugs: . Have fun planning your wedding, I had a ball and went mad on bridal magazines which I have been trying to give away to friends who are engaged!

At the moment I have no idea what my cycle is doing, AF will hopefully visit next week (can you believe I am hoping for it!!??) I have had a few pains this week, which have felt like ovulation pains. :fingerscrossed:
I feel pretty crappy today though, can’t concentrate and my mind is wondering… I have been doing pretty well for the past couple of days but am still finding it hard at work (see thread So Mad)

It’s strange how all of a sudden you’re a changed person. I used to be a nutter!, but now I feel sad and angry. I get frustrated with people over the phone and in person and I have even thought about wearing my badge that says “People are Idiots’…Not a bad idea especially when you go supermarket shopping!

Everyday I can feel myself getting stronger, but it can only take one thing to have everything crashing down! Fortunately I have a fantastic DH and a great BF to help me get thru it :)

My heart and thoughts are with you Becs, you sound like such a great gal! And I hope all your dreams come true soon! :hugs:

[JuniorMinime]

Hi Girls,

I'm feeling a little better this week. It is so strange having to live day-by-day and then week-to-week.

We have moved to get away from our complex managers as they were getting nasty. But now we have to try and get our bond back and I can tell she is going to be a B****. I can just see her saying no to this and no to that.

I have moment lately where I just want to cry. Like on Sat we went to my DF christmas party and then all of a sudden I said to him I am going to cry and not just a little but a lot. He held my hand under the table and it went away. Freaky.

My emotions have been in tune with other peoples as I get 'funny feelings' in my tummy when something bad is going to happen. I just can't figure out who and when. Like friday night my DF and I went out to dinner and then when we came back all was good. We ended up going to bed at about 11:15 and then at 11:30pm I started crying and my tummy wsa hurting that bad that I had to get a heat pack. I found out on Sat that my best friend had to take her 2yr old to the A&E and at 11:30 they found out he broke his elbow!!!!!

Freaky!! I am also wondering if other women are finding it hard to even contemplating BDing as I can't. I want too but when we get close I start to feel sick. I am starting to think that it's all in my mind, but I am not sure.

Well I hope to hear from you all and see how you are all going.

[Shakey]

Hi chicky :wave: , sucks you've had to move out, hope your new land lord is better and nicer, have fun with the wedding plans, I love weddings, I always bawl at them lol, its so beautifull seeig 2 people so in love with each other making a big commitment to each other. I so know how it feels to cry at the drop of a hat, I do it all the time, its been happening quite alot lately, not sure why it just happens, i just get this over welming feeling of just wanting to cry, to answer your question about bding, well i'm not having much trouble now :o but I do for a few weeks after my losses, we'll be starting to ttc soon so we kinda need the practise lol.

Nothing much going on with me, still trying to get through week by week, I still haven't had a appt with the ob at the hosp yet, i've been pestering and pestering them, finally got a ph call today from him that i missed so will be ringing them first thing in the morning to make a appt, so we can find out what went wrong with our last preg and if it can be prevented for next time, and I would like to know what the plan of attack for the next preg will be so I can carry to term and give birth to a beatifull healthy baby, my care with my last preg was a laugh :laughing: NOT, with **** communication between hospitals and then the staff at GC hosp not believing me that my waters had broken and stuff,

anyways Bec i'm glad your starting to feel better, it is a long hard emotional road we are all traveling, but we will at get through it together

[Jules16]

Hey Ladies

We finally got our results and found out that our bub had a chromosome abornality - which is very common apparently. The abnormality isn't a result of anything to do with us apparently - so we aren't at any higher risk than any other couple. We are thinking about ttc again now but I am still waiting for AF. It's eight weeks today since we found out we'd had a missed m/c - I would have been 19 weeks today :gloomy: My temps are like the rocky mountains this week so have no idea what my body is doing. We are bd'ing again now but it was difficult at first.

I too can relate to feeling like I want to cry and cry. Had a very anxious day on Monday - couldn't concentrate at work and everything was going wrong. Fortunately I am feeling a little stronger again now. I am just so up and down though.

Hand in there ladies!! Take care and big hugs to you all. I think it's great we have this thread and have somewhere to talk. :hugs:

[JuniorMinime]

Me too Morgan J me too.

I hope your coping ok with the news about bub, but at least he/she is having fun up in heaven with all the other angels!!

I am just getting sick and tired of having to chase up people when you make an app with them. Like window cleaners for example....we are getting our windows cleaned at our old unit and they should have been there at 9am. It is now 9:45am and no one has called me to say that they are running behind. So of course I have had to call and chase people up and do their job cause they are so slack and can't do it themselves!!!!!

Sorry for venting but I have too.

My DF and I tried bding and it's getting there, a little sore (TMI-sorry) but I am sure that it will get back to normal again. My poor body.

I feel a bit stronger today but just tired.

We are getting there ladies, just takes time!!

[Femme la Phoenix]

Hi Ladies...
I've being reading through and thought I might share my thoughts/hopes/fears too.

It's being a very long journey and I hope that it has a good ending. To be honest some days I feel like there is just too much stacked against us from ever being able to fulfill our dream of having more children.

I've has countless miscarriages, too many to count and at differant stages also, I have had a couple miscarriages in the second trimester. After what I called my tenth miscarriage, 23rd November 2005, we decided to get some testing done and see a fertility specialist/gyno who might be able to shed some light on what's happening...I have being diagnosed with - recurrent habitual abortion - meaning my body just spontaneously abort a pregnancy it has become 'normal' for me.
The other cause is sleep apnea, my specialist has confirmed this the main cause for the miscarrying. A baby cannot survive without oxygen, and when my body is so depleted of oxygen, the baby dies.

The good news...CPAP can help {continuous positive airway pressure} it supplies me with air all night, it's taken me six months to feel like everyone else does - refreshed from a nights sleep - but now I am fully oxygenated there shouldn't be any further probelms.

My DP helped me through a really tough time after a miscarriage {17th May 2006} it was just after CPAP and I thought it wouldn't happen anymore, the thing was though that it takes time for your body to replenish itself after being depleted of oxygen for 10 years. So DP put together a programme for me, to change the way I think and feel about pregnancy. I also borrowed heaps of books on miscarriage and prevention read through and came across a couple that were fantastic (the rest I took back), I worked through these books and did everything they suggested. So together with DP's programme and the books it changed all the negative thoughts associated with miscarrying so frequently. DP became my psychologist, and counselled me through all of my thoughts and fears...and during this time I took a break from bubhub as I was taking on everyone's fears on top of my own and it became unhealthy for me....after about 12 weeks hard work I'm Happy to say his hard-work payed off :yelclap:

I don't feel anxious now about pregnancy, the positive outlook will help., and all the changes that happen during early pregnancy, I just hope that we get a chance to become parents again......I hope that my story can help, that after sooo many miscarriages finally things are changing and there seem to be more hope than sadness. I am positive that if I can work through this, so can you, you can hope for your future as well...i am proof that you can :hugs:

It can happen for you as well, next time doesn't have to be fought with grief...there is a silver lining :hugs:

[porridge]

LJ wow - it's amazing what your body can do hey? I am in awe that you can be so positive... but very glad that you are and that you can share that with us...

I went in this morning for my bt to compare to ones I had last week... the doctor should be ringing soon (I hope)

All of this started last week (tues) when I had some bleeding so I went to the hospital and did a wee test (which was positive) and had an internal (which they said looked fine - cervix was closed and nothing abnormal)... so I went home relieved!!

I had a follow up scan on Thursday afternoon... an internal and external one at which they found my baby (measuring 7weeks and 4 days) didn't have a heart beat. My DH and I were devastated!

I went to my GP on Friday morning and he told me he wasn't going to do anything until Monday, as the dates could be wrong... I probably have m/c he said, but he was 100% happy with that and there was still hope.

All weekend we (and our family and friends) have been praying that everything is ok. But I think I just know that this baby wasn't meant to be (does that make sense?) I've been crying a lot.

Today is the day of the definitive answer - I think I know what it will be, but I feel so drained emotionally, it will almost be a relief to know for sure.

sorry for the long post guys... thanks for making a place to vent Becs :)

[Jules16]

Porridge - I'm so sorry hon!! :hugs: :hugs: I hope it's good news. Don't apologise re the long post - vent away. It's the best thing you can do.

Well I am still waiting for O or AF to arrive. It's driving me mad not knowing what my body is doing. It's just taking forever to return to normal. Am finding it hard seeing/hearing of friends who are pregnant. We want to be happy for them but it is difficult to be.

[Shakey]

Porridge thinking of you today, fingers :fingerscrossed: that they got the dates wrong,

Morganj I'm also waiting for Af, i've only had one since we lost our boy i september, I so wish that our cycles went back to normal straight away, this waiting sucks, if my cycle was regular i would've had af on friday, so its been 32 days since last af

[Lil X-men]

I am holding out hope for you porridge, but I can understand where you are coming from.
When I had spotting with my 1st preg the doc kept saying threatened M/C and that all could possibly be ok if you rest etc etc.
My mum was also supportive and telling me not to give up either.
But I couldn't stop crying because I already knew it was over, I felt it inside me and I knew there was nothing I could do to stop it.
I cried the whole way through, about 5days of bleeding and horrible cramping.
I am so grateful though that I have since had a successful pregnancy and hopefully this one now will stick.
I have only had one M/C so I haven't been thru an ounce of what some of you have:crying:

[JuniorMinime]

Porridge I hope everything is ok. My friend told me over the weekend that she had spotting and the dr told her to go and get a scan, she did and they said that there was no heartbeat and that she had to have a d+c.

Well she went for a second opinion and they said that at 7wks it's very difficult sometimes to find the heartbeat and told her not to do anything yet ans to have complete bed rest so she wouldn't bleed.

Well she went for another scan the week after and what do you know the baby was still there and there was the heart beat and all. So please don't loose hope yet!!

Make sure you let us all know what the outcome is Porridge as we are all here for each other. This was the main reason why I did this thread cause people needed a place to talk about anything and everything.

I haven't really had my AF yet. I had a little bleed when I was supposed to get my period after the d+c but it was only for 2 days. Then jsut recently I had another bout but all I really got was massive cramping and it lasted about 4 days. So I am thinking that it was it.

We shall see what happens this month.

Hope to hear from you soon Porridge.

[Jules16]

It's so frustrating that two months later AF still hasn't arrived. And my temps are like the rocky mountains. Why does it take so long? How long should one wait before talking to the doctor do you think?

Becs - I can't believe your friend's story - OMG!! I hope that both my scans were correct - it makes you wonder!!

Porridge - hang in there - it sounds like there is still hope! :hugs:

[Lil X-men]

Wow that story is inspiring Becs, my doc told me the other day that he didn't want to send me for an early scan for the very reason that sometimes you can't see the baby or you can but can't detect a heartbeat if it's too early, I didn't believe him, but now I know it can happen!!
Has anyone heard from Porridge yet, I hope she had some good news today:fingerscrossed:
I hope you are ok porridge:hugs:

[Lil X-men]

It's so frustrating that two months later AF still hasn't arrived. And my temps are like the rocky mountains. Why does it take so long? How long should one wait before talking to the doctor do you think?

Becs - I can't believe your friend's story - OMG!! I hope that both my scans were correct - it makes you wonder!!

Porridge - hang in there - it sounds like there is still hope! :hugs:

Morganj - if I were you I'd go to the doctor now, even if it is normal and everything is just going back to normal, it will give you some insight and peace of mind to know for sure whats going on.
I'd take my chart in and show them that too:thumbsup:
It can't hurt can it? It saves you sitting around wondering and worrying when you possibly could be falling preggers again but aren't because something possibly isn't right with your cycles IYKWIM??
I know my body took six to be ready to carry a bubs again after M/C, thats how long it took to fall again when we were actively trying, although I did get AF back the month after M/C.
:detective:

[Jules16]

Af finally arrived - I never thought I'd be so pleased to see her!!

[Jules16]

Well it turned out it wasn't really AF - just very light brown spotting for a few days.

Last night I got a copy of a letter in the mail which was from The Alfred address to my obstetrician, in response to some enquiries he's made about my blood results and a mutation that was detected. So it seems the bloods weren't such a waste of time after all (which my gp ordered and he said weren't necessary). A nice way to find out about it all though - not!!! I am just too upset to phone the ob myself so DH is going to phone him tomorrow when he gets back from interstate. He thinks it's all positive though 'cos the ob is doing everything he can to help us - but none of this has been mentioned to us and here we are ttc'ing again without any knowledge of any of this!! I just feel so angry and hurt.

[JuniorMinime]

What do you mean about mutation morganj?? Are these your results that you have been waiting for since your m/c????? I remember last time I spoke with you, you aere waiting for the results.

So what does it all mean or are you confused like me? :hugs: to you huny and I hope you get all the answers soon. Make sure you let us know what is happening. won't you??

:fingerscrossed: good luck.

[JuniorMinime]

Well I am not that bad today emotion wise, I jsut feel really tired ( I went to Robbie last night).

I have to say with all the hassles that we are going through at the moment (it looks like we are going to court with our old complex managers) it was just what I needed.

I am hoping that everyone else is having a better day today and hope to hear from you all soon. I think I am starting to get into the :tree: christmas spirit after a good night out.

It's amazing isn't it, that one good night cause make all the difference.

I am here if ANYONE needs to talk and this is the sole reason why I started this thread as it's very important to get our feelings out whether they are good or bad.

:reindeer: :xmas:

[Jules16]

Thanks Bec. Am glad you had such a great time out at the concert!!

Well I am feeling a lot of anger recently and I don't like it. I just feel like eveyrone is either very insensitive or I'm just over reacting to everything. I have a couple of girlfriends who are due around the same time I was and of course watching their progress is really difficult. However one is very supportive and doesn't go on and on about her pg. The other however just text messaged me this morning to let me know she's going for her scan and she non stop whinges about her pregnancy!! I just feel like I am about to lose a close friend here as I am just hate being with her at the moment. She just doesn't get that her comments can be hurtful. Sorry for the vent! I feel like all I do is whinge lately.

[xpectant]

Morganj - it's okay to vent and to feel angry. Have you thought about telling your friend how you feel? My friends who have babies have said things like "oh, I didn't know if you'd want" in regards to things such as baby shopping and holding their babies etc. I am fine (surprisingly) with it all but they were aware that I may not be. Your friend may feel as though by telling you all the news on her pg she is helping you to feel like it's yours - I don't know if that makes sense. The other thing may be that she just has no idea that what she says is hurting you. If she is a good friend, I think talking it through is a good start and if she still continues after you've told her your feelings, well...?? Don't want to sound like I'm telling you what to do - just trying to offer a different point of view. Here's some :hugs: for you.

[shorty_851]

Hello Everyone

I know what you gus are going through but the problem is my rollercoaster hasn ended yet.

I will finally know tha answer on Friday the 22/12

[Tinydancer]

Hello Everyone

Thanks Becs for starting this thread, Its so nice to have somewhere to put my thoughts and feelings and to talk to others in this situation. I think that its great that we can all support each other through this tough time.

Well I am off to the doctors this morning to see if my HCG levels have risen. Its not possbile that I could be pregnant any more but its just a precaution. I think im getting an infection, sorry if TMI, so need to get that sorted and also still having pains so its possible that the baby is eptopic.

I havent been to work all week, ive only left the house once and that was to go with DF to get groceries, I plan to go back on Monday and its been nice to hybernate while I recover a little emotionally. The reality of what has happened is starting to hit me, i dont think I will be enjoying christmas this year.

Im really glad that we are living in a small town as I dont know anyone that is pregnant right now so I dont have to deal with that (:hugs: to those of you, my BF was pregnant within weeks of my last M/C and stopped being friends with me as I was bad luck or something - I only spoke to her once about my M/C). A total airhead so called friend of mine said to me when I told her I lost this baby "yay now I have a drinking buddy" I thought that was totally heartless, she is very self centered and so I dont feel like talking to her again. Im not going to start going to the pub just bcos ive had a M/C, its been a long time since I was caught dead in that dingehole to begin with.

I am nervous of what the doctor will say to me. I am beginning to suspect that subconsiously I have been trying to convince myself that everything was going to be ok with the baby. I managed to hold myself together when my grandmother died this year and now im scared that I might fall apart. Im worried that I wont fall apart and that I will loose the ability to feel again. I think most of all im just disapointed that I will not be able to enjoy TTC and falling pregnant again with the excitement and anticipation that most couples would. I will always worry and wonder if im doing the right thing and if I am fit to be someones mother, even though ive been dreaming of it since I was a little girl and mother everyone around me.

Thanks for giving me a place to put down my feelings. I will definatley become a regular in here as i think it will be a few months before we TTC again.

Renee
xxx

[shorty_851]

Hello want2haveabub

You m/c on the same day as me although my roller coaster ride isn over yet. I still have to have more blood tests and more scans in 2 weeks as the doctors say i have had a missed M/C but the gyno says that i could have my dates wrong.


Honey i know how you feel. If you need anything just PM. Its a tough time for all us.

[Tinydancer]

Hey Shorty :hugs: - thanks hun - Im sorry that this whole processis being dragged out for you, it only makes it harder to try and move on or at least greive. I hope you are being kind to yourself and know that we are all here whenever you need it.

My results came back, HCG levels dropped from 84 to 10 so ive definatley M/C. We went into town to the doctors and then to put in the script for the antibiotics that I need for the infection. There were babies everywhere, I was struggling to hold back the tears, then we ran into one of DF's workmates so I had to stand there and act like nothing happened while they talked cr@p, his workmate just happened to be carrying a baby. We then walked into the shop and I didnt even make it through the door, I lost it crying and had to go sit next to the car and wait for DF to do the groceries. So he comes back to the car and says "whats wrong are you just upset?" when will men ever understand what its like to have emotions........

He just gets up and gets on with life, I get up and get on with life and then fall into a huge heap when the reality of what happens hits me. I dont want to wait 2 or 3 months to start trying again, but im too scared at the idea of having to go through this again. I feel so totally broken inside. I know its pathetic that I feel sorry for myself but I just dont know how im meant to go on, or if I want to. Its opened up old wounds, I honestly just dont have the energy to try and pick myself up and im frustrated as it was so much hard work to get myself to that point in the beginning.

I just wish that I had something else exciting in my life that could provide me with some pleasure, now that the fantasy daydream of a baby isnt so much fun. We live in such an isolated area with no family or friends around and even if they were here everyone just would think I should be over it by now. Its not like I want to lean on them but im finding it really hard to find pleasure in anything, I would love for someone to distract me right now.

Thanks again for letting me express myself somewhere.

Take care everyone.:hugs: :hugs:

Renee

[shorty_851]

Renee

Repeat this to your self everytime you feel gulity about being up set and feel pathetic

I'M NOT PATHETIC

There is nothing wrong with falling in a heap as long as you pick your self up in the long run.

Always rememebr as well the next baby you fallpg with will be even more special.

[JuniorMinime]

Hear Hear Shorty!!!! I am with you on this one, Renee you are NOT pathetic seriously you aren't!!!!!

I went to the drs about a month ago now and asked him for some tablets to make me not so angry as I was getting angry all the time ( I hear you morganj - it's horrible)!!! I have to say it has worked like magic and I feel a bit better.

I still have my rough days especially now cause it's christmas, but next april will be hard for me cause it would have been Ethan 1st birthday and Angels birth. Then also having to deal with the anniversary of my great grandma's death. Life is so unfair.

If anyone wants to pm me please feel free.

[Tls5431]

Hi all and thanks Becs for starting this thread. It all started about a week and a half ago for me(about three weeks after I found out I was pg). I started getting sharp pains in my right side and brown d/c. I was send for an emergency scan for an ectopic pg.

Well, to cut it short, as of last Friday, I have had two scans and various bt (which my levels were increasing). but the scans indicated I have a bighted ovum. It was an extremely emotional day for me and my dp. The doctor told me last Thursday to stop taking my folic acid as this was holding off the m/c. She said to go to the hospital today if I still had not m/c for a D & C.

At the hospital this morning, the DR said they would prefer for me to m/c naturally then have a D & C (which I have agreed to)...

At the moment, I think I would prefer for this to happen naturally so it is off for more scans and blood test to make sure that it is going to happen... if not I will need to go in for a D & C...

This is hard for my DP as well and I know that he would like for everything to be completed. I have told him that if it has not happened by Thursday (I have been having cramps, backaches etc over the past couple of days, which makes me think it could be on the way) that I would go in for the D & C.

I feel numb and scared and pretty much confused at the moment. No two DR's have given me the same answer on what is going on and I'm up and down about emotionally... but trying to be strong...

[abeckaj]

wanttohaveabub, my Dh was all over me after i had my M/C too! I think they think it will make us feel better! Sadly this month though Dh was too tired to make much of an effort around O time so it obviously ended with a BFN and a delightful visit from AF! NOT!

Hey if you are finding it really hard to deal with it ( as we all do) maybe you could go to a grief counselor (sp?) there are ones who specifically deal with miscarriages who are meant to be great at helping you get through the pain.

Also i am always free to PM if you want to chat - there are so many of us on Bubhub that have been through the same thing so this is a great place to go to vent and share you feelings.

I have a close friend who will be due when i would have been due so that is probably the hardest for me at the moment as her tummy is beginning to grow. Also she tries to avoid talking to me when i see her at playgroup every week which is making it worse - she is making it all the more worse by trying to avoid me - if she just talked to me normally it would probably be easier.

:hugs: to you.

[becstar]

Becs

I am sure what you are feeling is entirely natural in your situation, you have lost three babies, that would be hard on anyone. I have lost one pregnancy but also had two sucessful ones and I still found the one that I lost hard to deal with. I felt like I was never going to be able to give my son a brother or sister to play with or have another baby to hold in my arms......I felt like a failure (we also had problems ttc).

My thoughts are with you, I hope that time helps you come to terms with things and I hope that you have a successful outcome soon!!!

Bec
xxxx

[JuniorMinime]

I just thought that I would write to tell you all how I am going and to get some things off my chest (after all that is the reason why I opened the thread in the first place).

Well my best friend (I have known her for 22yrs) is over from USA and we went bridesmaide shopping and she ended up telling me that she is pregnant again!! I am happy for her but it's still really hard when she wasn't all that happy for us cause of her beliefs. But she wants me to be excited so I am trying.

My old complex managers are playing silly buggers cause of all the stuff that want from us (they aren't being reasonable) and now they are taking us to court. But we say bring it on cause we know that we are right with things that she is saying that we aren't.

We are going to try and buy a house in the next few months so that when our current lease runs out we can move into a house and we can call it our own!!! I can't wait, but more stress coming our way.

But on a good note, I found my wedding dress during the christmas break and we also found the bridesmaids dresses as well (for a really really cheap price). So I have to start organising that as well. We have the engagement party this weekend so that should be good too.

Just feeling a little down and lonely I suppose. Just wanted to write it all down to make me feel better.

[Tea Lady]

Big :hugs: for you Bec. It's so hard when other peoples' good news reminds you of your own pain isn't it? (I found that anyway.)

I hope the wedding preparations go really well and you have a beautiful day. :)

[Mum1]

I had a D & C 3 days ago because I miscarried at 8 weeks and 2 days. I went 2 weeks trying to miscarry naturally but it didn't happen I started to bleed and had more blood test which revelved that my HCG levels had dropped.

I was a nightmare of a patient at the hospital on monday night I had a huge panic attack and had to see a social worker before I went in.

It has been such a roller coaster truly hope I don't have to go through it ever again.

One thing is I appriecte my 2 year old more.

Thanks for letting me let it out.

[Tinydancer]

Hugs to you Mum1

I hope that you find friends and support here on bubhub, to help get you through. It does get easier as time passes.

PM me if you ever need anything.

Take care of yourself.

[JuniorMinime]

Mum1 big :hugs: to you. This is exactly why I started this thread honestly it really helps to let anything that is hurting you out. Whether it's anger, tears, anything it really helps.

As you can tell by my last post I really let it all out and had a big winge and it helped heaps.

I am still struggling to be completley happy but it is so hard for me at the moment. I will get there one day. I am hoping though that we have a healthy baby next year after the wedding. I really really want a honeymoon baby!!!! That would be awesome for us. :fingerscrossed: it happens.

[wendya]

HI Becs, I am sorry to hear you are having a hard time of it, but glad to hear you are feeling a bit better. I also felt better after my rant in the thread above :) its definately a good idea to express all this stuff. I should have put it here but I didn't know it was gonna come out so.

Out of curiousity, can anyone tell me what do all the abbreviations I keep reading mean? dh and df etc?

[JuniorMinime]

Wendya, I found the same problem about the abreviations and found that if you go to the forums page there is a forum you can go to and it's called useful info and all the abreivations are there.

just a quick one though df stands for darling fiancee and dp means darling partner and dh means darling husband.

Make sure you come back and visit whenever you need too.

[wendya]

Ahh I see! thanks Becs :)

[JuniorMinime]

No Probs.

How are you feeling anyway? Are you feeling better? PM me anytime

[sunshine_kat_86]

I have depression and Boarderline Persanality and im not ashamed. its a illness and im not in denial anymore of what i have, yes it feels good to express what i have, yes i dont belive that i had it worse off then you did, I dont know how bad you got, but im on recovery and have been for several months, I been getting help from many people and now leaning on my own shoulder and doing it for my self now, its hard being a youg mum, but yes i can do it and i will cope, love to chat to anyone in the same position

[JuniorMinime]

I have suffered depression in the past but I have found that with the correct medication and treatment it really helps. It's very difficult to go through it all and some people don't understand but there others our there. So you are not alone.

I hope you are feeling better and taking the days one by one as I found that helped me too.

By the way thanks heaps for sharing it's great to hear from new people.

[wendya]

Thankyou Becs for asking. It's all a bit wierd for me because there's this massive upheaval in my life and no one really knows except for two people who really don't understand. They felt sorry for me, but now they seem to think its all water under the bridge. I guess alot of it is hormones crashing, I have never felt so fragile! I went to the movies with friends the other day and I felt sooo sad afterwards walking out (it was a sad movie, called Pan's Labirynth) and I could feel that any second I would fall apart and start weeping, I had to go to the bathroom and sort myself out, and its never been so hard to make myself not cry. I really wanted to cry, but I knew I couldn't do it in front of that group of people. They'd think I was nuts! I'm thinking of phoning my mum and telling her, she'd understand, but I don't want to make her sad and worried too. Plus our phone is broken (silly phone!) heh I am just a bit broken hearted a I guess, both about my relationship and the child that never was. I want to call my ex-boyfriend and tell him, because I know at least he would give me a hug, and maybe he'd be sad too (more likely just extremely relieved) but he's left town as his father is dying, and really its for the best, I don't want to risk a re-union with him in this emotional state, its best we go our separate ways and stay that way. And work is piling up, I can't even tell my boss why I haven't properly done anything in two weeks. (one week of worrying it might be dead, and next week of knowing it was). Anyway this rant really helps. *sniffle* I know I'll be fine, but I just feel so guilty for not appreciating the pregnancy when I had it, almost wishing it away.

I also cry reading about everyones losses here. I am so sorry to all of you, it sounds so awful no matter what the situation one is in. Are you still feeling better Becs? Or are you still feeling a bit fragile too?

[JuniorMinime]

Hi Wednya and everyone else reading.....
Well I am not that good at the moment, if you have been following I have been having problems with my old complex manager about getting our bond back. Well she is now taking is to the small claims tribunal!!!! Can you believe it? I can't I am still in shock.

Also last week I started feeling unwell and getting a sore throat and I just thought that my friends baby had given me her cold. Well how wrong was I!!!!!! I actually have pneumonia!!!! I have never had it in the past and now I have to make sure that I don't get it again cause I probably will. The dr said that it's probably because of all the stress that I have been under (complex managers). I have to rest for the next three weeks.

But I work for my parents and they have gone away at the moment and I have to run the business for them while they are away!!!! SO no rest for me. Then yesterday I received another call from the managers and I have had enough. My df has decided that we are going to counter-sue them for my sickness and prescriptions, loss of earnigns (cause she always calls while we are both at work), and anything else we can cause we have ad enough.

I just want to go to bed and not wake up for a week. Oh and then the car that I have bought (that we had had problems with since we got it) is back up in brisbane getting fixed again for like the 8th time!!!!! I just want all this to end so that I can organise a wedding and for this year to be enjoyable.

Has anyone ever gone to the small claims tribunal before? If so what is it like? Also apart from antibiotics what else can I do for pneumonia?

Well I have had my rave for the day I hope others do the same!!!! :wave:

Hope to hear from you all soon

[xpectant]

Hi everyone - Becs, hope you're feeling better and things start working out soon. Well, I've just found out that I've had another m/c (will have to update my signature). I didn't even know I was pg - I don't even know how I could have been - I think it may have happened only 5 days after conception!! Anyways, I'm feeling okay despite the confusion. How can it take me a year to fall pg and then lose 2 babies in 3 months?? I trust God knows what He's doing - or should I say - I'm trying to trust...;)

[Me]

:hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

[JuniorMinime]

xpectant I am sending you lots of :hugs: :hugs:

I hope you are healing a little bit. It's very hard to trust god sometimes. I get like that too. With this third m/c I am really trying to put my attention onto something else and really trust god to give me what he wants me to have.

I hope you are feeling ok.

Becs

[xpectant]

Thanks Becs, your kind words mean a lot. I am so glad we have such good people on this site who actually care without even really knowing us - I guess we can't judge people on their looks, mannerisms, voice, status etc through threads - just as well!!
Anyways, I am coping well. Just waiting to see when AF will turn up - I'm guessing 2 weeks.