View Full Version : :( HUGE MIL problem..tearing us apart!
I need to get this off my chest as it just feels like it's exploding inside of me and i feel like i'm falling apart from the inside out.
Sorry if it's a long story but i have to start from the beginning.
Well, after i had peter in december 2004, bretts mum began to try and dictate alot of things to us and wanted to control alot of aspects.
I was VERY emotional after i had Peter and i had the baby blues severly in the first couple of weeks.
After i had him, i felt like all bretts mum wanted was Brett and Peter, and she didn't give a toss about me.
Now because Brett wanted to call our son after his Father who passed away 6yrs ago, it's like his mum feels as though this automatically gives her the right to have a say in everything that happens with peter and us for that matter.
When we started to make all the bigger arrangements for our wedding only a couple of weeks after i had Peter, she satrted to want a say in everything for the wedding, including who was on our bridal party!!!!
We didn't want one in the first place (only a best man and maid of honour) as it would cut costs for us, but no, she wanted bretts 2 brothers up there on the day.
So i felt if his brothers are up there, then mine should be included aswell. She didn't like that.
Then she wanted her neice as a bridesmaid, and i don't even know her!
She kept saying there was more of my family then hers, but me and brett told her it's not about sides its about who WE want there on our day.
She then ended writing Brett this horrible letter saying that we don't care about Peter, only ourselves and that my family are Money Hungry Wogs!!! She said that my family live a lavish lifestyle which is far from the truth and that me and brett wouldn't last 5 years.
Besides this letter, there were ALOT of nasty things said about me, brett and my family, so in the end we decided we didn't want anything to do with her.
Because of everything that happened, his brothers completely shut brett off, refused to come to our wedding, and they didn't even get to hear his side.
So we hadn't spoken to her since January this year, until Monday!
Brett had a last minute decision to go to her house to pick up some of his things, and we were going to just go there, get the stuff and leave.
It didn't work out that way. We ended up staying there and talking with her and she fed peter etc.
I was SOOO uncomfortable and angry, i felt like he forced me into a situation i didn't want to be in.
They wanted to get together before the wedding but i've told brett i can't handle this right now. Especially with the wedding so soon and me just starting to get through the PND.
I'm just so angry because after everything that's happened (trust me there's alot more to this story but i'll be here forever if i go into it all) it was like he just forgot about it and weakened to her manipulative ways.
I know it's his mum but she said so many hurtful things to him and myself, i don't think she deserves to be in our lives right now.
Sorry i just really needed to get that out. Thanks for reading.
Love Natalie xxx
Gee you have a lot on your plate atm! A wedding in 2 weeks and family issues. I really don't know what to say except you have to block MIL out and concentrate on little Peter and your beautiful wedding! This is your family now, not hers! I can't believe people can be this vindictive, especially family!
Now is not the time to confront her but after the wedding i'd be giving her a piece of my mind!
Good luck with it all sweetie! Sorry I couldn't be of much help, i just didn't want to pop in and not leave a message of support.
No I'm not stalking you :p . I had MASSIVE issues with my in-laws too (still do to some degree, but it's getting better). I'm sorry that I can't offer you any advice that is going to fix it, other than, as JenNT said, you have your own family now and you need to put that first, as does your man. You and his little boy should be the most important people in his life now, and if his mum can't respect that and allow him to be a husband and a father then he needs to tell her to back off. It took me the longest time to get my DH to actually see his manipulative and gossiping mother for what she is, but now, finally he does. He still doesn't stand up to her, but at least when I get upset he understands. I know how hard it is for them to stand up to their Mummies.
I also suffered PND and send you big (((((hugs))))) as you're learning to escape from yours.
Please PM me if you need to chat about this or anything else. This should be the happiest time in your life and she has no right to rob you of that.
I know how you feel Nat no matter how much crap FIL throws at DH he just keeps going back for more. Theres nothing you can do, there family and unless DH decides to stop putting up with it, it will keep happening. I know how frustrating it can be, watching your DF suffer believe me I cant stand seeing FIL play favourites with DH brother and then dis DH, it hurts him so much LOL
Big hugs to you and good luck, by the sounds of it your gonna need it - getting a MIL like that :(
Hi Natalie, first of all to you big hugs and kisses xxxxx I know exactly what you're going through. They can be so bloody vindictive, nasty, cruel, manipulative and when called to account they twist things and LIE LIE LIE (did I mention Lie!) and then if they realise that others are on to them, they bang on the tears and do the victim thing - VERY frustrating. I also realise now that I had PND as well, but you know what, I seriously think the extra stress of having a MIL like we have on top of caring for a new born helps to contribute to the PND. And as for the comment of you two not loving Peter, this makes my blood boil. The fact is, if she really loved Peter, then she would be wanting him to grow up in a happy, loving secure household. Not one ripe with pain and hurt from a nasty vindictive Mother in law. THEY ONLY CARE ABOUT THEMSELVES!!! My MIL used this tactic in a letter she wrote once (when we had decided to have no contact for a while as she was out of control) she wrote 'I can't understand why i've been 'cast aside', I'm sure you wouldn't like it if your son did the same to you when he grew up - put your thoughts there!' Yeah that's what she actually wrote, my counsellor was FURIOUS and said how manipulative that was and had a great answer of course that we could have used, such as 'We would EXPECT our son to cast us aside if we'd been treating him how you've been treating us!!!!!!'. Yes, they are prepared to twist and manipulate things to turn others against you (in the case of fiances brothers - and in the case of the rest of my partners family). He had his grandmother ringing him telling him i was 'NO GOOD, GOING TO LEAVE HIM AND BLEED HIM DRY, HE'LL REGRET THIS IN TEN YEARS" etc etc - She hadn't even met me!!!!. Luckily, after couselling, my partner DID stand up to his mother (but of course that was all my fault !!!!) and luckily he did, Because unfortunately when they allow their mothers to continue this ghastly behaviour and hurt you as they do, then it actually puts you off them (your fiance that is). It causes huge fractures in the relationship (which is what they bloody well want). God I can't keep raving, I'll go on forever! Anyhow, I'm at the other end of five years with my partner now and things are looking up. We've moved STATES!!!!! And we're out from under her grip. My suggestions definately are counselling as men seem to understand it a lot better coming from a counsellor!..... but failing that DEFINATELY counselling for yourself to regain your self esteem and get u back in top shape caring for your son. And one little wicked thought (I know it's probably not on your mind right now if you're still suffering PND) but remember there is always ONE thing that we can give the men in our lives that their mothers can't!!!!!! (Wicked aye). Please if you ever want me to PM you my phone number, I'm happy to talk as I'm on the upside of this thing now (still get angry if I dwell a bit much!). The other 'wog' comment she made, well at once stage it was mentioned by my MIL when she was excusing some of her ghastly behaviour that 'maybe things were done differently in NZ' (I'm a kiwi). Best of Luck xxxxx
It's lifted me up hearing all your comments!
Jadesmum...my MIL worte the EXACT same thing in her letter, regarding Brett has pushed her aside and forgotten hi roots and that he's more loyal to my familythen his!
You wouldn't believe what a relief it is to hear i'm not the only one with a VINDICTIVE and NASTY MIL!!!
She's the same, she trys to maipulate, but when we're on to her, the tears come up and her excuses are, "you don't know how hard it's bee raising three boys on my own" etc....
The thing is though, Brett's the youngest and he was 13 when his father passed away, i understand that t would of been hard with three teenage boys, but the youngest was 13 and the eldest was around 19!!!!
You girls are GREAT here, so happy i found you all! :)
It's great venting, and hearing people with the same experiences!
Larissa, i think you are stalking me :p lol...joking !
Yeah it's pretty scary aye, you are DEFINATELY not alone!!!!!!!!! If you ever want to chat further feel free to email me or PM me. xxxxxxx
It sounds really awful :(
If your hubbie is forgetting how she has treated all of you this last year then refresh his memory with that nasty letter.
Maybe even send a copy of it to your MIL to refresh her memory about how much of a ***** she was then and probably still is.
Goodluck with whatever you decide to do, I hope it all works out.
The funny thing is, with all her comments regarding myself, brett and my side of the family, my mum got so furious she worte his mum a letter. Not nasty, just stating how she can't believe his mum even calls herself a mum etc...and my mum NEVER interferes like that. She's very quiet and is the type to just shoosh up and leave it, but that's how bad his mum is, the fact that my mum retaliated.
I honestly have never experienced a nasty peice of work like her in my life, and i can't believe i have to deal with someone like her.
Yeah we kept her letter to show her when we eventually reconcile with her to prove how out of line she was.
I'm just going to try and get on with things and concentrate on my family and the wedding and not let her get me down again...it's gonna be hard, but i don't want her to have the satisfaction of ruining our big day!
Thanks for listening girls....you are the best :)
Beat this girls!!!!
MIL (or 'pitbull at the gates of hell' as I like to call her) arrives at the hospital while I'm in labour, faking a 41 degree temperature (didn't know you could have one of those without falling into a coma) and proceeds to try and get DH to go home with her! "Well, there's nothing you can do here. Come home with me" were her exact words!!! Luckily, my mum and best friend wouldn't allow her to come into the room, and after her 7th phone call to her 'darling Raymond' the midwife told her no more phone calls.
It obviously wasn't even that important for her to hold her first grandson...she carried on so much in the waiting room about her temperature the midwife told her under no circumstances was she to go near the baby once he was born!
She was adamant that she be the first at the birth of our second son and kept convincing DH that he didn't need to call my parents to let them know my c/s went okay. My parents (along with our other son) ended up coming in themselves because my mum was so worried. Sometimes I think DH needs to 'grow a set' when it comes to 'Mummy dearest' but that's another posting!
That is just a snippet of her ridiculous, bordering on psychotic behaviour. It's got to the point where I worry if my boys are left alone with this 'psycho granny' and I will only allow infrequent 'unsupervised' visits just to please DH.
She has just got back from o/s and didn't call to see how the boys were because she had 'cracked them'... our 4 y/o didn't ring her daughter to say thank you for the birthday present she sent in the post (from 2 suburbs away!)
Anyway, two weeks later she turned up full of self importance and dished out the gifts to 'Raymond' and the boys...I got a plastic cake knife/server!!!!
(I suppose it's better than the size 28 leopard print pj's I got one Christmas!)
But you've got to give it to her - she has a knack for finding the crappiest gifts for me!
I often call DH and MIL 'Elvis & Gladys'...and this 'Priscilla' is just along for the ride
She is a cow...a mad cow....she even invited DH's ex to our wedding, that was fine because I was looking the best I would ever look so I thought bring it on!!!!!
Will all the things she has done I could write a book!
Chin up Natalie, isn't it nice to know that we've got what they want!!!!
wow, looks like I don't have the only MIL problem.. (or, as I like to call her, outlaw)
Sounds like we should start a club... for them.... on a big ship... with a loooong journey. (about 20 years should do it ;) )
My outlaw loves to look at Jade and say "Oh, she's such a beautiful baby, she's definately a (insert her familys last name) " like, if she's cute, then my family could have nothing to do with it.
Big Hugs to all of you, and thankyou for making my outlaw seem ok (but I'm still not going to enjoy her company).
Can I book my MIL on the ship - please!!!!!!!!
I think a ship is being generous.
My MIL just deserves an unpowered barge. Just shove her in, and tow it out to the middle of the pacific.
My MIL is such a cow, we haven't even told her I'm expecting yet. I'm 28 weeks. DH won't call her to tell her, and I'll be damned if I'm ringing to let her know.
At least this way I don't get the weekely phone calls from her telling us how we need to give it the most revolting middle name in history, just because it is her family middle name.
I've a good mind to call it after my FIL, as she'd be so peeved, she'd never speak to us again. Bonus!
Oh my - your poor things!
These are the MIL's from hell - man they have issues!
I must confess here to having a great MIL - I think that is bc DH was married before to a total cow (by all accounts) - lucky me is actually appreciated.
Having said that can I just let you guys who are in the thick of it know
IT IS NOT YOU - IT IS THEM!
Find yourselves some sort of Mantra "I welcome my MIL when she comes around to reality" - ???? - or something - just to help you not bite.
Your DH's should definately stand up to their 'mummies', however - remember they have had this manipulation ALL THEIR LIFE - it can be very hard to break that guilt pattern.
No real help I am sure but just don't take any of THEIR CRAP on board, not even for five minutes.
Nat - stand your ground you beautiful 'wog' :mad: you - good advice to wait until after the wedding - then watch out MIL!!!
You will be the most beautiful bride - Enjoy YOUR day and Good Luck!!!!
Well we havent heard much from her lately, but the day before the wedding we got a wedding gift and card from bretts auntie and cousins (who mind u abandoned brett aswell after the argument) and the card said...."wish we could be there to share your special day" :mad: then in a heart they wrote "we miss you brett and peter"... :mad: i was SO ****ed off, they know how to exclude me even in little things like that!
Jaderocks...we had the same thing regarding how cute peter is. She said last time we saw her ... "Oh you definately have the Lynch eyes!" ... even though in fact he has mine!
I'm so glad we have nothing to do with his family right now...i'm dreading the day we will.
I want to send her on the ship too!!!! I wish she would do what she wanted to and go retire up in Newcastle where her other son is and hassle him instead!
Oh well i've had my ***** for the day! You girls are great to ***** about mil's with.
Mwah! Love Nat xxx
After reading all your stoires It is starting to make me feel better about my MIL.
She is another of the "drama queen's" who can't live a normal life without constant drama. She has four sons and lucky me, DH is the only one who lets her see the kids and talk to ect.
She ignores me most of the time, if I am talking she just starts a conversation by totally talking over the top of me!!! - as If I wasn't even there!!
When I was in hospital after giving birth to my DS, she thought it was fine to travel the 30min car ride to the hospital with my 18 month old DD at the time and NO CAR SEAT AT ALL. After getting very upset over the matter she then continues to ask if she can take DD for a drive ect - even though she still has no car seat for the kids. The latest is "have you found a booster seat for my car yet" - it is so annoying as we are having problems moneywise buying our DD a bosterseat let alone one for HER CAR !!! - (DD still fits in the reversable car seat but will be in a booster soon)
She told me last year that she just wishes she could do "mother" things with her DIL's like go shopping and have coffee but none of them ever do anything with her (like hello - I am your DIL and your telling me this?)
She has started on the kids now, she totally ignore's my DS (as he looks like me) and it's all about my DD (who looks closer to my DH) She brings presents over for DD but not for DS.
my DS looks identical to his sister at the same age except the hair colour (one is dark blonde the other is white blone) and DS has a rounder face like mine - and she has the gall to go on about how DD looks just like her cousin (DH's brothers daughter) who has dark brown hair and dark eyes and looks nothing like DD!!!
She also hijacked our wedding too, I was 5 months preggers with DD and had bad morning sickness - and ofcourse everything had to be done her way - at the time I really didnt give a damn as I felt so sick.
She also decided that my DD and DS should be sleeping in the same room togeather so there is a spare room for her and FIL to sleep in when she comes over to visit - I was seeing red on that one - Poor DH coped an earful on that suggestion. There is no way I am going to put an 18 month old and a newborn in the same room if I dont have to - I would never have any sleep!!!
She knows we are doing it tuff at the moment, she brings over groceries, food for lunch ect, then packs it all up and takes it home, even if there is two slices of bread or the other day she left DD a couple of ice creams and took the rest home!!!
OHHHHHHHHHHH -not forgetting Poor DH. before I met DH I almost died from glandular fever in hospital - I was very ill and had CFS since, DH got glandular fever last year and ended up with three blood clots in his spleen, he is doing ok now, though DH is lazy and seems to have found a way of fobbing of his doctor as having CFS as well. (this is me who found it hard for years just to walk to the toilet or have a shower ect and hear is hubby playing footy with the blokes next door and talking with the boys nextdoor all night ect) and ofcourse MIL has to always go on obout how DH almost died (my A@#$ - he whinges for 3 hours after slightly kicking his toe - and he sure well didnt almost die, he wasnt even in intesive care or critical care - he was in hospital for a week just to keep an eye on his spleen that is all!!!) but no, she always goes on and on to me about how she almost lost her poor son - GRRRRRRRRRR like I wasnt almost dead myself - and our poor DD who was born with a rare tumor on her tailbone and we went though hell with her as there were complications. and she wants to hear nothing about our poor son who has severe gastro reflux as well as renal reflux NO all we hear about is her POOR SON!!!
The other thing that really annoys me is every time she comes over DH plays the "favourite" - he never does anything around the house, It is left to me all the time, he is just generally a lazy person (his mother taught him that!!!) but the minute she comes over he does everything, makes me look like a lazy bum....
Like she doesn't help either, makes a huge mess, leaves coffee cups laying around for the kids to break, doesn't put any food back in the fridge so it is left out overnight to rot, i came out one morning to find steak and bacon in a pan on the stove from the night before.
Ohhhhh - since I'm on a role I should start on hygine -never washers their hands -especially after going to the toilet, never flushes the toilet for a fact (leaves wee in the toilet so not to waste water - not a nice thing when DH and My bedroom is next to the toilet and FIL has had a cask of goon the night before - other thing I want to know is how does MIL do a wee in the first place without using toilet paper to wipe??? - *horrible thoughts* If they do stay over they never have a shower.
I could go on for ever at this rate!!!!
I think a ship is being generous.
My MIL just deserves an unpowered barge. Just shove her in, and tow it out to the middle of the pacific.
That is pure gold, Aardvark!! :D :D
Oh thank gawd i have somewhere to whinge about my inlaws !!!! Or as many others have called them in their posts "outlaws" as this is what i have started using in the last few months !
My lovely outlaws had only been in the birthing suite with us all for a matter of minutes before a fight ensued !!!! It was so wonderful as this was the first time my mother had met my partners parents as he didnt want them to ever meet if he had his way ! heh. Feeling the love ?
I just have so many stories about my MIL i dont even know where to start.
Even the day they came to take us home from the hospital she was giving me a hard time as i was going to give up breastfeeding due to bubs biting me & making me bleed ( he was teething from the moment he was born ) her exact words were " Oh stop being a wuss ! " then noticing my reaction of nearly bursting into tears she proceeded to make it a "joke" by doing the oh har har har im so funny ! I really wish now that we hadnt asked for their help to come home from hospital as it just ruined the whole experience.
The one that always sticks to my mind is when she even had the gall to make this comment in front of my sister who's temper is just as bad as mine. Bubs was a month old & my sister came up from Melb with my nephew to visit & give me a hand they were to come at 10am so that they could have some "quality" time with bubs before my sister arrived. They didnt turn up until 11.30am now her reasoning behind this was that she " Couldnt have been any earlier otherwise i would have had to be up at 6am ! " !!!!!!! What the hell ???? we only live 40mins away !!!!! So she was then cranky that my sister had turned up at 12pm & was all over bubs. Mind you they had been there half an hour & she hadnt even wanted to hold him until then. Now i cant even remember what the conversation was that led into this but basically my sister was saying something along the lines of " I wonder if its in our family or my partners " to which my MIL's comment was " OH it must be from YOUR side cause we dont have anything BAD like that in ours " my sisters face dropped & i waited for the fight to begin but luckily my sister had an idea that MIL was a bit of a cow so managed to bite her tongue. I was so exhausted & sore still that i didnt even have to energy to fight. This is now used as an ongoing banter between my partner & i if he does something silly or is having a bad day " oh thats from my side cause everything bad is from me ".
But then ive had to bite my tongue so many times im sure i dont even have a tongue left. My partner has so many times been on the brink of cutting ties its not funny but then i manage to get the guilts & say no dont its not worth it. Even when we do visit we get talked down to & i get ignored. We also get the " you cant stop me from seeing him sob story " She just doesnt get that its the way she acts that stops us from visiting. She hasnt even realised the reason why her other two boys have moved interstate. Its all rather sad really i just know im not going to be like that to my son's girlfriends/partners as the last thing i want is to distance him.
My mother is like that. I'm ashamed to say I listened to her nastiness for 37 years before I kicked her to the curb. She broke me up with many boyfriends over the years, but it never dawned on me what she was up to. Finally, while I was pregnant, she threatened to take my dd from me to raise as she could do a much better job. Well, that was it. I'd had it with her abusive ways (there's a lot more to the story) and I told her and her family off and I haven't spoken to any of them since. If they can't be nice to me and my family, then they can't be in my life.
I still can't believe I told my aunt how my mother clawed my face and beat my head against the wall when I was a teenager and all she said was "Well, you know we gave E a pretty hard time when she was little about being fat." As if that excused it!
Sorry, for thread jacking. All I'm saying is if she is manipulative and abusive in one way, she probably is in others. It makes me wonder what your dh's childhood was like with a mother like that. (((hugs))) to you both.
You can tell him from me, I know how hard it is to stand up to a manipulative, abusive parent. My advice is not to wait 37 years. Let the happiness begin now. You don't want the self esteem crushing years I went through before I stood up to my mother. ((Hugs))
You poor thing Katesmom!!!
Good on you for not letting her ruin your life!
Well we;re now in the process of patching things up with Bretts mum!
We're going over for dinner tomorrow, and hopefully talk about things and try and set things straight! We need to let her know we're not going to put up with her always wanting her way and trying to manipulate all the time!
So wish me luck! I'm going to need it!!!
I just hope that once things are more sorted out that it won't go back to what it was. If it does i'll be standing my ground and put her in her place!!!!
Take care everyone! Nat xxx
I am so sorry your mother is that way. My mother is very cunning. She isn't outright like that which is why it took me 37 years to figure out I could not love her into changing. She'd say things like:
He's keeping you from your family. When are you going to come home? (So not true, I'm the one who hates going back there. I'm the one who hasn't been back since 1995 and had a rotten time then.)
You know he's just lazy. He's not really disabled. You can move back in with me, but he's not welcome.
If I were you, I'd make him... (basically into my personal servant.)
I just don't like him. He controls you.
You don't make good decisions. Come home, I can get you on where I work and you can live with me.
Okay, she was pretty obvious and I didn't see it, because I loved her so dang much I wanted her to be a better mother. But the thing is, no matter how much I loved her, no matter how hard I tried, no matter what I did, it was never enough. It will never be enough. I could never compromised enough - it was her way or the highway.
You'll never believe how at 37 years old after I stopped talking to her, I looked in my closet and I didn't see a single thing I'd picked out because I liked it. All my clothes where what she had picked for me or given to me. Well, I got rid of all that and started over. Now, I can at least look in my closet and say "that is my taste. I picked that out."
Pretty sad to find your own style when you are 37. To the folks with controlling, overbearing parents, don't be me. You'll can never please some people even if you give them their way in every aspect of your life. It'll never be enough and you'll never be enough. If you're fortunate enough to have a spouse who loves you and has put up with this mess, move on to a happier life with your own little family. There's more to life than the tears from disapproving, manipulative, controlling parents.
And trust me, they will say and do anything they can to pull you apart from the people who truely love you. ((hugs))
Just want to give you all hope!
I originally started this thread! Felt like crap, hated my MIL etc.
Well i just want to let you know that all our issues are sorted out and we're on the way of healing all the issues.
We spent xmas eve with her and i actually enjoyed the whole day! It was great and we all had a great time! :p So there is hope girls!
Love and Light, Natalie xxx
Love the stories ladies.
You know, I dread to think what my kids future partners will think of me! LOL
Also, you think MIL's would be ok, considering they probably hated theirs too!
I wish my MIL was more involved in our kids lives, she cant be bothered with them much at all. I know we dont visit her much, but its not easy driving an hour with 6 kids in the car, you think they would understand this. MIL and FIL just think we are not in their class, as their house is PERFECTLY clean, and so is their Daughters, but ours house! We live in it, we have 6 kids! HELLO!!! How do you expect it to stay clean?
Natalie, glad things are going ok now, hope it continues.
You should be very proud of yourself!
Particularly for giving it another go after all that. I really hope it works out like this permanently.
If not - you know where you can vent!
Just draw a line and let her know when she crosses it, short and sharp but sweet!
You've slayed the evil dragon MIL and freed her captive spirit. Hope she stays good for you - but you know you can always slay the dragon again if needed.
Thanks Jessie and Xkwzit! :)
I'm proud that we got through it and didnt give in to her!!!
It just goes to show that some persistance and standing your ground can make some MIL's realise whats right and whats wrong! Although it took almost a year to start healing things, at least it has started :)
If anyone wants any support regarding their MIL...i have an ear here willing to listen :)
"WE CAN ALL SLAY THE DRAGONS WHEN NEEDED" lol :p
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