Very confused- help me!!!

[Imogensmum]

Now this may end up contreversial- but i have no where else to turn!! :confused:

I have a very good friend- her children are my god children and she has recetly started dating a new fellow.

He seems nice enough but i have recently been informed that he is an IV drug user... I am now really worried about her welfare and the childrens!!!

He does not work, drinks most days, and uses various forms of drugs(not sure if this is daily-don't think it is)- he has his friends in her house- known users-dealers and i know one of them chucked a big tanty and my friend hid in her DD(20mths) bedroom til it was sorted!

I approached her- and asked her why she was involved with these people- i told her my concerns and she just saidthat it was all ok and she really liked this guy, good for kids to have a bloke around... I also explained that i don't feel comfortable there and so i wouldn't be visiting her at her house anymore.

Now i worry that she is involved in something bigger than she can handle, i worry about the kids exposure to the drugs, and cranky coming-down people, I work in the drug and alcohol feild and maybe i just project to much of what i see!

Am i being judgemental??? I feel like she is putting her children 2nd to her wants and needs!!! What would you other bubhub mums do if this was happening in your worlds????

[melfunction]

MMMmmmmmm. Intervention is required now!
I personally don't think you are being judgemental, you just want what is best for her kids because obviously she has no idea. You friend cannot be thinking with a clear, open mind. Sure, might be really good for the kids to have a bloke around, BUT NOT HIM! OR HIS SCUNGY MATES!

This is not going to be everyone's plan of action, but dob him in to the relative authorities. Sometimes you have to really stretch a friendship. This is one of those times. To start with, does she have parents? Let them try first. I'd be voicing my concerns there, before going anywhere else.

If nothing happens, you can also try this;

Tell your friend what you are doing. That there is child protection agencies out there that WILL take her kids off her if she doesn't remove them from such a dangerous environment. What if her 20mth old finds a needle? What if her 20mth old finds tablet drugs? Drugs look like lollies to a little kid. That she will be arrested also when he does get found out and she won't be seen as a fit mother and the kids won't enjoy visiting her once a week between bars! I wouldn't my house to be raided by the drug squad, would she?

If you are in the drug and alcohol field, use your resources. Find out exactly what would happen to her kids. Shock tactics do work sometimes.

I seriously hope you do intervene. Someone has to.
Good luck

[rynosmum]

Hi Shannan,

I feel for you in your situation and I admire your ability to tell your friend your thoughts.

Do youu think she is with this guy because she does truly like him and wants to build a life with him for her family or do you think she may just enjoy having someone else around ?

I also worry about the kids - what they may find or see around the house, the sort of people they may be exposed to. Also what kind of role model this man may be for them.

I have had a friend who became an IV drug user (after many years now he is clean but even he admits that he will never be truly recovered). The difference between him clean and him during the years he was into heroin was dramatic. He would withdraw, become very angry and defensive. The people he associated with were into the same things, some of them stole, some from friends and family.

You work in the field so you probably are pretty instinctive on the situation. If your friend won't listen to you now (and the chances are good that she won't), ensure that you stay in touch in case she needs you - the chances are good that she will.

Good luck !

[draught]

I agree with Kaidensmum and Rynosmum - you are not being judgemental.
I have some experience in law enforcement in Canberra, so know exactly the type of people you are talking about and have seen the effects of their lifestyle and what it does to kids whose parents are caught up in it. And none of it is good.

I also agree with the suggestions - you need to talk to her, and to anyone else that she might listen to. You might need to remind her that it is better to have no bloke around than a bloke who is not setting a good example for her kids or one whose lifestyle will endanger them.

Good luck with it all

[ThomasMum]

Hi,

No you are not being judgmental. In fact you care aboutyour friend, and that’s fantastic.
I came across with many similar situations frm my clients. And the scary thing is, drug abusers usually related to domestic violence. So pls for the sake of your children, act fast. I know its not going to be an easy job, don’t give up. You friend might not like you, but be persistent. If you are not there for her, do it for her kids. Someday she will be thankful to you.

Good on you, Imogensmum.

Good luck.

[Mummabear]

Hey Shannan,

I was in your shoes several years ago. My best friend at the time left her partner (her DS's father) because of his drug abuse and subsequent physical abuse. So I gave her full and total support, often putting her and her son's needs before my own. Giving them food, shelter and thousands of dollars to get them on their feet out on their own and away from him. Then a couple of years later she met another guy and moved in with him - another drug addict. I would go around there on a Sunday afternoon and her son and his two kids would be there and he would be in the toilet shooting up because he "just needed a pick me up to cope with the kids". I tried and tried, but in the end her loneliness and pathetic desparation for a partner overshadowed what was best for her son. She had no parents here so I couldn't go to them, she had a sister who was also aware of the situation, but even between the two of us we could do nothing, she just wouldn't listen to us and totally shut us out. It totally destroyed our friendship and we no longer talk, even though I remain very close with her sister - we will be at the same family function and not one word spoken between us :( . In hindsight, knowing that our relationship wouldn't survive anyway, I wish I had done more to protect her son. Perhaps called child welfare on her pathetic ****.

So I guess my advice would be this..... You said that you told her that you wouldn't be visiting her, and knowing how you feel about her relationship she will probably distance herself from you, so chances are that your friendship will deteriorate regardless of what you do - so do something. If she doesn't want to listen to you, then call child services. Belive me, drugs do look like lollies to kids, and there are some liquid drugs out there now (fantasy I think it's called) that looks like water - it is only through the quick thinking of my former friends sister that stopped her little one consuming some of this liquid that one of those drug addicts left laying around IN A WATER BOTTLE!!!! You may feel like **** for doing it, but how are you going to feel when you get a phone call saying that her kids are in hospital fighting for their little lives :( ???