Why did you choose to only have one?

[Mischief]

Maybe you have seen the 50 million threads I have started lately about having another baby or not. But I'm still trying to get all my thoughts together....so please dont get bugged with me too much! :)

In case you havent.....

I had a birth trauma, PND, and troubles BF. My idea of having 2 or 3 children suddenly became null and void. We decided we were ONLY going to have one, and one only.

Oliver is a lovely, healthy, happy, strong, alert...SMART boy of nearly 7 months. He has been a dream baby, except for a few sleepless nights, lots of nappy rashes, teething, and a wheat allergy! LOL

It could have been so much worse. Something could have happend to him, to me, or to both of us. He could have been an unhappy baby. He could have had brain damage from his delivery, he could have.......blah blah blah....

Now, 7 months on, and we have heard *you will change your mind* a million and one times. We have clucked over new babies, and we have started discussing having another child.

I am really quiet scared of *tempting fate* so to speak in having another baby.

I dont know if I can cope with the ups and downs of pregnancy, the trauma of birth (esp if it was to end up the same or worse than the first time), breastfeeding (and I would feel obligated to try again and give baby #2 the same start in life), sleep deprivation, and getting PND again. I am on Zoloft currently and after researching it, there is no way I would feel comfortable staying on it while being pregnant. (I know people do, but I personally would feel so stressed doing so).

The pros to me of having an only child are:
- Hes happy, healthy, strong
- I will have more time and money to spend with him
- He has lots of friends around his own age
- I was an *only child* (I was the only one at home and never had much to do with my bro and sisters) and have a lovely relationship with my parents
- I will never have to worry about birth trauma, breast feeding, PND, or anything like that again
- I can stay on Zoloft as long as needed

The cons are:
- Will he be sad that he doesnt have a play mate
- Will he be at a disadvantage because he doesnt have a sibling
- I will never get to be in the TTC/New Mum clubs again (silly I know, but sad too)
- Am I being selfish if we only have one?

I was just wondering (and thank you if you have read this far):
- why you choose to only have one?
- how do you tell people to mind their own business?
- do you ever feel guilty/selfish for only having one?
- do you feel pressured to have another one, a playmate, for your only child?

And any other advice or stories you can tell me!

Thank you for reading!!! :D

[Ana Gram]

- why you choose to only have one?
Hated being pregnant, birth wasn't great, I am not very maternal, I don't ever get clucky so I don't understand the whole fussing over newborn thing - they just look like skinned rabbits and yes I did feel that way about my own.


- how do you tell people to mind their own business?
Straight out tell them I am not interested. I do get treated like I must be insane not wanting another.

- do you ever feel guilty/selfish for only having one?
Never and I don't understand why people do.

- do you feel pressured to have another one, a playmate, for your only child?
All the time and it just makes me annoyed. Parents want me to have another, my ex wanted another (part of the reason we broke up), close friends who's only child died want me to have another "just in case".


There is nothing wrong with having only one. Why not help out children in need in Africa instead?

[Chickadee]

- why you choose to only have one?
Loved being pregnant, but bad PND and ongoing problems with depression make it tough for me to cope with even one child some days.

- how do you tell people to mind their own business?
I tell them that my DD is perfect and don't want to risk another who might turn out to be a colicky, unsleeping nightmare. It usually gets a chuckle.

- do you ever feel guilty/selfish for only having one?
Yes, when I think about my DD growing up without siblings. This might not be so much if we had other family (cousins for her) around.

- do you feel pressured to have another one, a playmate, for your only child?
A bit, but only by myself.

[Queen]

;) Hello, I have read a few of your posts, and I am in (almost) the same position as you. My DD is now 13 months old and the thought of having another child, so what scares me. :(Although I had an easy pregnancy, only a few hiccups (DD never moved much from 32 weeks, they were considering induction at 33 weeks) a semi-easy labour ( ITS CALLED LABOUR, it was never gonna be easy LOL) though an absolutely shocking first 2 months:crying: (trouble feeding/sleeping/lots of tears mine and hers) still am unsure as to whether I will have another.
My DD is perfect:smiliedance: (whos child isn't) and couldn't imagine loving another child as much as I love her.
I don't worry about her being lonely, as I take her to Playgroup and other kindy activities.
As for people being people and saying YOU MUST HAVE MORE THAN ONE, **** em....its your life, tell em to get a life and stay out of yours...hahahhaha your choice...
I guess, what I am trying to say is... its a decision only you and you partner can make, just go with what you feel....take care and don't stress to much...all the best....xoxoxo

[ImSethsMum]

I was reading your posts and it was as though I was reading my own thoughts and experiences!

I had an awful pregnancy and the birth was a nightmare. We both survived it thankfully but Im still waiting for surgery to 'fix' the damage caused by the birth and we spent 12 months of physical therapy getting our son back to normal after incompetant hospital & specialists failed to diagnose dislocations and fractures he obtained being born.

Those first 12 months were spent with no sleep - he was in pain 24/7 so would scream all day and night, wake 4-6 times a night, etc - and I was finally diagnosed PND.

Seth is nearly 20 months and I still have awful days but its taken this long to start to feel normal again (thanks to my Lexapro) but Im scared sh*tless of going through another pregnancy/birth/and post birth problems.

Id love to have and hold another baby but my fear of another nightmare stops any cluckiness cold in its tracks. Everyone says I'll get over it and have another but I dont think I will.

I have PCOS and the damage from the birth makes sex uncomfortable so even IF I wanted to try for another it wont be easy or pleasant. I am thankful I have one child - Im not gonna push my luck.

Its hard though seeing others hard good pregnancies, go through easy births and good babys - Im so jealous and want one but ....

Thanks for this topic - I thought I was alone feeling like this !!!

Luv Kelly

[suzannec]

we chose to only have one for several reasons.
Firstly because of our age, i was 36 when i had dd, secondly i hated being pregnant.
Had morning sickness till 17 weeks, had to have an amnio (wasnt that bad), spent the last 3 mths very dizzy with bad eyes and then spent the last month with very high blood pressure.

Second reason is that both dh and i find it quite a challenge adapting to our dd. We were both set in our ways and its been a huge culture change.

But mainly, i just dont think i would cope. Im on zoloft for depression, and i would rather be a happy, stable, medicated mum to one than a complete basket case to two.

I sometimes worry wether dd will suffer, but if she has a great social life, and heaps of friends than i dont think it matters.

We were on holidays recently and a little girl, around 9, came and started asking about dd, how old she was, and wether she had any siblings. When we told her that no, dd was an only child, this little girl said she wished she was as then she would have to share with her brothers, and would have to put up with them breaking her stuff. lol

[Wish_Bear]

I would just like to add my 2 cents. I had a lot of the same experiences as you have all described. Birth not as I had planned, BF woes and bad PND!!! I had pretty much vowed not to have another bub as I was sure I couldn't cope. I decided I'd leave it up to fate and if I wasn't pregnant by the time DD was 4 then that would be it, no more. But as fate would have it I fell pregnant immediately. I was sooo sick for 16-20 weeks and then it all became a dream pregnancy. I had a 2hr 20min labour and had a healthy baby boy. I have just been diagnosed with PND again recently but I feel a lot more comfortable and in control that I did with DD. I have a completely different relationship with DS but I have enough love for both of them.

The reason I am telling you this is just to let those of you who are on the fence know, that it is really different with no.2 and for me it has been such a wonderful experience.
It is hard some days but mostly it's been awesome.

But I do understand all your concerns about having another child and I am not trying to guilt anyone or anything like that. Just thought you might like to see the other side of the coin.

[vavavanny]

- why you choose to only have one?
Loved the pregnancy, love motherhood, love kids. But my son was 10.2lbs and did lots of damage - damage that I had to get surgery for ... so after a very traumatic vaginal repair I have decided to stop at one.

- how do you tell people to mind their own business?
The important people know what I have been through and dont ask - and I tell everyone else that it is my decision to make not theirs.

- do you ever feel guilty/selfish for only having one?
Sometimes, but I remind myself that I can give him an amazing upbringing - and life is what I make of it.

- do you feel pressured to have another one, a playmate, for your only child?
No, he is a social butterfly and has cousins and friends whom we see regularly. My husband and I actively play with him everyday - he is not lonely.

[ThomasMum]

I don't owe anyone explanation why we only want to have one, life is fantastic with one, our son is thrive; very happy boy and very smart and thats all matter to us!

So don't worry, Mischief just enjoy the parenthood :)

[flib]

I'm an only child so I thought I'd put my 2 cents in even though I actually have 3 children!

I think there are advantages and disadvantages in having just one child and having more than one. It's really just personal preference.

I wanted to say that I had a very traumatic birth with my first with complications, a c-section and my son ended up in special care. Afterwards I'd see pregnant women and feel sorry for them. Four years later I found the courage to have another baby and had a very straightforward birth without a single stitch or tear. I realised that while it was painful (and scary) that it was normal and the way birth was supposed to be. Obviously I did it again and now have 3 kids.

Some days I feel like I'm going mad and think if I'd just had one it would be so easy. He's 7 and at school and pretty well behaved. Now I have 2 daughters - a challenging 3 year old and a 5 month old baby. But I also feel blessed and happy. I know it will get easier.

Anyway of course it is your decision and I can totally understand it. In the end I decided not to let my traumatic experience stop me from having the family I wanted to have.

Best wishes

[defa]

Hi there i was just reading your thread and i can't sleep and i thought i would tell you about me..lol

- why you choose to only have one?
I really don't know i just don't think i couldhave another one i have looked after children all my life and still do and i don't think i would want to go to work and look after kids all day and then come home and have 4 of my own running around..


- how do you tell people to mind their own business?
I tell them that it is my live and i didn't tell them to have how ever many childern my child will be fine thanks...

- do you ever feel guilty/selfish for only having one?
I have never thought about this NEVER will i feel guilty to be able to send my daughter to a good school give her a very nice big house holidays and very thing she needs (not very thing she wants...:shame: )

- do you feel pressured to have another one, a playmate, for your only child?
My DD will go to Day care and have plenty of play mates there they can come over and play and stay the night but they get to go HOME to there own mum and dad.
We have a very close family and she gets to see he cousins every week so i don't see the difference..

I have all these felling and i didn';t have all the trubble you had i had a very easy pregnancy work till nearly the end well 4 weeks BDD and had a easy labour and have a wonderful DD who is now 8 months old and is so easy to look after she sleeps and eats and is so happy everyone says she is so good you can have another one she will be fine...I don't care she isn't the one having another one....
You have to do what is right for you and you DH my DH and I said from the start that we only wanted 1 so that bit was easy...

I am going to go now it is getting long..sorry:p

[rheem]

-why did you choode only one
I guess I did "choose" to have only one, but I don't really think I had a choice, if you know what I mean.

I had pre-eclampsia with my son, who was born prematurely and in special care. Luckily, he had no major problems and now at age 7, he is perfect. I on the other hand, had an emergency casarean, was hospitalized before & after the birth, had to spend time in a High Dependency Unit, and had to have a post birth procedure to remove a piece of placenta that was left behind during the op. I bled for a couple of months, had infections and PND. It was not pleasant.

My partner and I decided we were lucky to have one healthy child, when many can't have any at all. We decided that it was too risky for me and for the baby if we tried for a second. And in all honesty, it was a few years before I recovered enough to even consider it. When I did think about it, I told myself that I was lucky and that it was too risky. Plus by that time, I was aged 40, and there were a whole new set of risks to consider aswell.

Anyway I am now 43 and I keep wondering if I should have tried for another. I look at my beautiful son and feel guilty that he doesn't have a sibling. He such a lovely, friendly, gregarious boy. He doesn't have any cousins to play with, and all his friends at school have a brother or sister. So when I ask the parents if they want to get together with the kids, it doesn't seem so important to them as it does to me.

I'm always trying to think of things for him to do, activities, sports, etc, but these are often only once a week type things and last a term or something. The rest of the time, he is on his own. Of course I play with him, but I feel sorry that he doesn't have kids to play with. I spend a lot of time crying over this.

- how do you tell people to mind their own business?
Ver hard - it always stirs up emotions because I really did want another.

- do you ever feel guilty/selfish for only having one?
Yes, quite alot. I think about how old my partner and I are (43 & 42) and our health. If anything were to happen to us, he would be all alone. The thought of this kills me.

- do you feel pressured to have another one, a playmate, for your only child?
No, most people know what I went through, and I'm too old now anyway.

[ImSethsMum]

rheem - I knew a lady years ago in a similar situation, one child who didnt get to play with other kids etc and her wanting another but couldnt. She decided to become a foster mum. She told me it was the best decision she ever made.

[Mrs J]

As a only child speaking, i HATED it, it was truly horrible and i wouldn't wish it upon any child. I was lonley and i spent my life wanting a bro or sis. I was sent to school early and stuggled coz i just wanted the company of other children my parents didnt have the money to send me to preschool so i went to big school at 4, i left in yr 10 i was just so far behind the 8 ball. I now have no people skills i hate people and im serious, in a large group i freak, i hate going to the shops, i have never been out partying a day in my life, i have no friends because i was so protected as i was a one and only child so i was over protected
( medical reasons not by mum's choice) . BUT i do believe everyone has a choice, this is just what happend in my life everyone has the right to do what they want to i don't wish to be attacked for having my say of what it was like for me.

[Static_Cat]

Hi well we didnt think we would have our ds. it took 14 yrs. But i would love to have another. i was an only child until i was 14 then my 1/2 sister came along. but my parents were divorced so i stayed at my fathers and went to mums on the weekends and only saw my sister then. then i grew up and moved out with dp now dh. So i know what is like to want bros and sis. even now im 35 and sis is 22 we live in different states and we dont have a close relationship. shes very immature and she only wants u when she wants something. so its a shame. i had step bros and sis (my sis 1/2 siblings from her fathers side) from my mums marriage but they hated me cause i lived with their father when i was young. but they couldnt and still dont (not related now) that i had no say in it all. Anyway i really dont want the same fate for my beautiful ds. So we are trying not for him to be the only one. but i think i grew up ok. And he will too. well i hope this answered ur question. take care. :hugs:

[Cian's Mum]

Good question ...

Well , I think I will stick with one ... yes I will .

- I bled twice during my pregnancy and nearly lost Cian at 6 weeks ...

- Rough birth ( 3 degree tear : incontinent of faeces for 2 months .. a bit hard at 37 years old .. and still struggeling with it , 20 stiches episiotomy ).

- Breastfeeding was not the best at all .

- We would have to go through IVF again ... we are blessed being pregnant after the first transfer .

- And basically, I feel TO OLD and TIRED to have another one . I cannot cope with sleep deprevation and it did hit me really hard ...

As someone else said , I don't think I could love someone else as much as I love Cian .

Oh , and I forgot ... a HUGH pressure on the couple ... specially at the age of 41 ... not ready for a life change !!!

I make sure that I take Cian to playgroup and Mother's group so he can be in contact with other kids and adults ...

[Mischief]

Thanks guys! Its nice to know I'm not alone!

In time maybe we will choose to have another one, but at the moment the timing is just all wrong and I'm still dealing with my traumatic birth and PND/Depression.

I'm glad there are people out there who have one, and whos babies are well adjusted and loved!

[naybee]

Thanks for this post guys. We are trying to decide what to do re: another bubba - lots of pros and cons - but it's good to read other peoples experiences.

[Cupcake]

- why you choose to only have one? I am older then I would have liked to have been when I had my first & I am much older now,my marriage had a few problems for a while after DD was born & I am unsure we would last if we had another & I have struggled to find myself since DD was born.
- how do you tell people to mind their own business?I don't tell them to mind their own business, I am open to telling them my reasons & if they get pushy or opinionated on it then I put them in there place before they feel they can walk all over my choice & if that fails I tell them about my birth & they back right off.
- do you ever feel guilty/selfish for only having one?No I don't, sure DD would love it but I make a point of getting her out socialising with a lot of my friends kids, she has 5 cousins all within 2yrs of her age & they are more then welcome to stay at our house & come with us on anything she would like them to.
- do you feel pressured to have another one, a playmate, for your only child?No, she will have me & her dad & a life filled with fun & activities with other children......I will make sure of that.
Life is good for us now & we are complete:thumbsup:

[anscje]

why you choose to only have one?

we chose to only have one for many reasons but the main ones being that we could live financially well off with just without me working and being able to stay at home and devote all my time and attention to DS. My DH and I only ever wanted one child and for that child to be a boy. Which is exactly what we ended up with and our dream is now fulfilled.


how do you tell people to mind their own business?

When people ask if we are having more children my answer is always the same - our family is complete and there is no need for us to have anymore.


do you ever feel guilty/selfish for only having one?

Yes I do feel selfish for only having one because my reasons for not having another one are selfish. I like being able to sleep in now, not having to get up every 2 hours. I like having nice long baths and showers and not worrying about warming up bottles and all that stuff. I like it that I can go out now to mother's group and see my son playing and having fun with other kids and not being one of those Mum's who is trying to juggle a 2 year old and a newborn at the same time. I wouldn't change any of it though and don't feel guilty.

do you feel pressured to have another one, a playmate, for your only child?

I sometimes feel pressure to have another one just so that DS has another sibling and a playmate. But realistically if I was to fall pregnant now DS would be almost 4 before the newborn came along so they wouldn't really be playmates. DS would be in school by the time the new baby was old to "play with him".

One last note - I know alot of only children said that they felt lonely, but I was an only child and I never felt this way. I think as long as you have good friends and other family and your parents make an effort to take your lots of places and show you the world then you won't get bored. Sure it can be lonely but my Mum came from a family of 5 and said she was the lonliest child she knew. Her brothers and sisters were a bit older then her and they all went to the same school but never hung around each other or anything. It all depends on your family life. You can have 10 siblings and still be lonely, and you can be an only child and still be lonely.

[nugglyboysmum]

i jsut made a thread about pretty much the same concerns that you have about whether or not o have another child. i was so relieved to see that i am not the only one worrying about this.

Why you choose to have only one?
I have a phobia of vomiting so having m/s again really scares me, ttc stresses me to the extreme casue of my looong cycles, i worry about m/c, stilbirth, trauma to me during birth, I feel really lucky and blessed to have a healthy happy boy and be healthy and happy myself with all my bit intact, i don't deal well with less than 8 hours sleep, interrupted sleep makes me really angry, don't want PND again, anxiety is just starting to improve now that DS is getting older and less dependant, we will ahve more money, easier to travel, back at work sooner (more money), dont' have to share myself with anyone else, don't have to deal with sibling rivalry, DS can always have his own bedroom, there are so many more reasons, i get more me time and more DH time.

How do you tell people to mind their own business?

i haven't had the courage to put anyone in their place yet, the next person who tells me im being cruel to my son for not giving him a sibling i will say "i much perfer a happy mum and happy child than 2 unhappy children and an anxious depressed mother".

Do you ever feel guilty or selfish for having 1?
I don't feel guilty or selfish as i can give only 1 child so much more attention, take him travelling around the world, give him everything he needs. But i always worry that i might regret not having another child when DS is grown up.

I don't believe that having another bub just to give your child a playmate is a valid reason for having another bub. DS will have plenty of playmates they just wont live at our house, DS will be able to have his own space whenever he wants it and he can have friends over if he wants to as well, best of both worlds! I definately feel pressured to have another 1 as so many friends and family have told me that it is cruel of sad for DS not to have a sibling!! I can't beieve people could be so awful as to say something like that! Especially women who dont have any children. From nw on i will say to those comments that i struggled through depression and anxiety when DS was a little baby and i don't think it would be fair to put DS myself or DH through that again. that should shut them up i hope.

[Ilovelily]

Hi,

I debate all the time to myself if I will ever have the strength to have another child. I hated being pregnant ( morning sickness for all the 40 weeks) and my birth was awful ( lots more vomiting included). Honestly I would like to have more children but I have to get over the first birth.

But I think only children have a bad rap (I am one myself :wave:).... I went to the library the other day and found a book that talks about the misconceptions of only children being spoilt rotten little ********. This conception came about when a sociologist ( forgot name sorry) in the 19th century wrote about only children being a "disease in in itself" he thought that it was unnatural and that these children would grow up to have all kinds of mental issues .Fortunately all his theories have been supported by a complete lack of evidence. But the stigma still exists.

Only children can have benefits to having no other siblings.... They have more attention from the parents (* again this does not necessarily mean that they turn out spoilt) and are generally ahead academically( though there are always exception to the rules) and they often resemble first born's in most families.

Some people say that only children form strong bonds with there friends, due to the lack of siblings.

I can say that as a only child I have always remained very close to both my parents. That's a good thing!

Why don't you go to the library or a book store and find some subjects on the matter?

[PixiLixi]

why you choose to only have one?
It wasn't my choice. I wanted 3. I was left alone with my DD to raise at 8 weeks of age. I met a new partner but he carries a genetic condition that killed his previous children within days of birth.

how do you tell people to mind their own business?
If someone asks why I have an only child I just say 'sadly, we can't all have more than one'and they back right off.

do you ever feel guilty/selfish for only having one?
I would have loved her to have siblings and I feel bad about Christmases in the years to come.
But I seem to be getting used to it.
You can't really have another child 'just in case' - a friend did that and they both died in a car accident with their grandmother so there are no guarantees with 1,2 or 3.

do you feel pressured to have another one, a playmate, for your only child?
I guess I cold try donor sperm to conceive, but DD is now to old for a sibling to be playmate. Also I hated pregnancy and birth was an emergency C premature, very stressful.

I see mums when we go out with more kids and they are stressing while we sit and relax and eat peacefully, My mums says they wish they were me.

I understand your dilemma, I still wonder whether I should get the sperm and just do it before it's too late.

[missartymiss]

Hi everyone

I have found your posts very intersting...

I am not yet a Mum, but after nearly 12mths of trying and at 36 1/2 I will at this stage be delighted to have one beautiful healthy child

I have mentioned this out loud a few times in various family and social circles & find the responses fascinating

At the end of the day we need to be confident in ourselves, believe in what we know about what we need and be happy with whatever decisions we make, or are made for us (in the situation where we cannot have another child)

I know that is not always as easy as we would like - at the moment I am filled with annoyance at times for the incosiderate consistent questions I get in relation to "when are you going to have a baby". If only I knew.... the journey's we take are very often private and emotional and well meaning as the questions (and in some of your cases judgements) can be, they are also tiresome and very often incosiderate

I wish you all the best with whatever you decide and hope that you can feel confident and happy in your decisions, no matter how many children bless your lives

Sorry for the rant... it's just something I feel very strongly about :smiliedance:

[Christelle]

I tried for 5 years to have my first baby and she died when she was 6 months old. I now have a healthy 18 month old son (also ivf). I'm not sure if we will have another one. It scares me to go through all that again, the ivf, anxiety, the sleepless nights, the pressure to breastfeed.. etc etc. Surprisingly, not too many people ask when we are having another, perhaps because I have had 2 (but only one here on earth).

I feel a lot better now reading this thread that I am not the only one that may only have one living child.

[neeny]

Maybe you have seen the 50 million threads I have started lately about having another baby or not. But I'm still trying to get all my thoughts together....so please dont get bugged with me too much! :)

I was just wondering (and thank you if you have read this far):

- why you choose to only have one?
My age, I was 36 when I had my DD, my health problems, horrible pregnancy and PND.

- how do you tell people to mind their own business?
"Are you going to come over to my place and pay my bills??", "I'm too old I could end up having a Downs baby which I know I couldn't cope with on top of my health issues",
"One is enough work and mine's a good one!"

- do you ever feel guilty/selfish for only having one? Sometimes but then I tell myself I'm lucky I've got one - lots of infertile couples out there.

- do you feel pressured to have another one, a playmate, for your only child?

All the time - especially by inlaws and the fact my hubby is the only boy to carry on the family name and I didn't get a boy! WTF??? :mad:

Also siblings tend to fight alot, don't always get on and play nicely with each other, like everyone says they do.

And any other advice or stories you can tell me!]

Basically its your life and the people who keep saying you have to have another aren't going to be there and help you bring up two children.

Thank you for reading!!! :D\

I'm glad someone took the courage to mention their pros and cons of having one child. I'm also glad I'm not the only one in the universe who is only having just one!

[KatiesMum]

\

I'm glad someone took the courage to mention their pros and cons of having one child. I'm also glad I'm not the only one in the universe who is only having just one!

:hugs: to you.

Our dear mod Mischeif who started this thread back in 2006 however, actually decided to bite the bullet and have another bub .... arrived a week or two ago :laughing:.

Having an only child can be very difficult though. :hugs:

[ciehann]

- why you choose to only have one?
Hated being pregnant, and am very happy with little miss. i would feel guilty if i tried to divide my time between her and another child

- how do you tell people to mind their own business?
i tell them im not sure if we are keeping the one we have. they usually look horrified and shut up at about then
- do you ever feel guilty/selfish for only having one?
Never and I don't understand why people do.

- do you feel pressured to have another one, a playmate, for your only child?
people say that she will be lonely. It just means that i will have to be extra mindful of "socialising" her (sounds like what you do with a new puppy)