Trouble leaving my baby!!!

[bubbabelly]

Hey there...
My son, Hunter, is 17 weeks old! And im beggining to think i might be able to leave him for an hour or two just while i go shopping or get my hair died or something!

I am a single mum so theres no partner to help!

My mother offers to look after him but she doesnt parent the same way i do!
She has taken him for half an hour before while i went to sleep and i woke up to hear her yelling at him and him screaming in his cot!!!

My son has never cried himself to sleep because i dont care what people say, i dont think its healthy. He is also rocked or put in his sling to go to sleep! He doesnt just fall asleep but she doesnt understand that! She just thinks im being too soft and that i should let him cry himself to sleep because it would do him the world of good!!!

My friends mum has offered to have him too but she doesnt respect her own daughters wishes little own mine! Her daughter didnt want her bubs to have a dummy, she gave him a dummy. She makes all the decisions for her and i dont want that! I dont like to give hunter any kind of medication. He never has wind drops or anything but i know that if he got a bit of wind while she was looking after him she would just give him the drops even though thats not what i want!!!

I feel like i never get any time to myself and i just want a couple of hours but no one has the patience or agrees with my mothering!!!

Are my standards too high or have other people had this problem too?

[talon]

i also have a lot of trouble leaving DS with someone else. even my husband! i just know that he will not pay attention to what is going on and since DS has just started crawling I don't think it is good enough that DH "checks" on him every now and again. he still leaves heaps of stuff all over the floor which is unsafe for bubs and i am constantly reminding him to pick things up. It's like looking after two kids and i am not going to leave a big kid to look after the little kid!

As for mum and MIL - I am still quite anxious about leaving him for even an hour with them even though i know that he will be ok. I just stress way to much while I am away that I can't have any fun. It gets very frustrating. :mad:

I haven't had a day to myself in almost 8 months now and even though i whinge about it, i think if i actually got an opportunity to do something outside mothering i would be really apprehensive.

So, no you are not alone! :D

[xkwzit]

Hi Holly
No your expectations are not too high. I also think that yelling at a 17 week old baby is ridiculous (although heaven knows I have probably done it myself, but I think that you can reasonably expect that someone who is looking after baby for only a few hours could practise at LEAST that much self control - whereas a stressed, sleep deprived mum could be forgiven for the occaisional momentary loss of control).

Don't let anyone talk you into things that you think are wrong. You have to parent in a fashion that you can be comitted to and 100% consistent with. Your baby is entitled to that constistency also - its not fair to them if mummy always comes when they cry - but grandma doesn't - how is he supposed to deal with that? I think that you do whatever works for you until the point it stops working, and then you might have to replan. Ppl who look after your baby should respect your wishes as his mother.

Having said that, you can't always get ppl to do what you want, so if a sit down, calm chat about how you would LOVE to let her look after him, but that you want him handled in a certain way doesn't work, you might have to hook up with a sympathetic friend and maybe swap baby sitting duties with them, allowing you both to have some time off. Keep looking and I'm sure you'll find some like minded mums who you can trust to help you out.

Cheers

[JanetF]

Hugs to you, I think expecting your baby (who's very little still!) to be treated with respect is a fine aim! When my ds was that little I took a friend to the salon with me and she held bubs while I had my haircut. He could see me, he was distracted by a lot of the stuff happening in the salon and the cars going past and I knew he was safe. It's much harder being a sole parent but it's ok to not be separated from your child at his age too *hugs*The time will come when you can have space away from him but in the meantime maybe a good playgroup with other gentle parents? I find it much easier on a hard day to parent my child with a bunch of other gentle mamas around and they're great contact for potential babysitters too ;)

[sasholi]

Hi there.
Do you live in Brisbane?

If so, do you have a good mum's group that you are involved in? I joined a mum's group through the community child health centres (mine was Indooroopilly) and it has been wonderful. I would leave my son with any one of those mothers. Even if thier way of raising their child is different to mine, I would trust them to respect my wishes. It really is a wonderful group (we are very lucky).

I also know of a group that meets every wednesday morning at City Farm (northey street) that a mum I met while out and about goes to. They are all attachment/gentle mums so would be very in tune to the way you want your bub raised.

Yelling at a 17 week old for crying is absolutely crazy. I agree. I have been guilty of getting frustred with my bubs before (as every mum probably has) but as a new mum you are severely sleep deprived etc. Someone who is looking after your bubs has NO RIGHT to ever be anything than loving and calm with your baby. Especially since your bubs isn't as familiar with that person as you are.

You are absolutely doing the right thing. Hang in there, and I liked Janet's idea of having a friend come with you while you get your hair done.

OR do you wear your baby in a sling? If so, and you know that bubs likes that, perhaps you could go to the shops or something with a good trusted friend, they could wear bubs till he is asleep, then you could leave your friend and just wander around the shops on your own for an hour or so - no bubs, no huge nappy bag. Just you, your own hand bag. I've done that before and it did wonders. You come back feeling refreshed. And you know that you are in the same centre so if bubs wakes and won't settle, then you are close enough to be there.

Good luck! Let us know how you go... :)

[Kamaikia]

Its hard being a single mum in this position - I know. I guess you don't have many choices. I personally wouldn't leave my child with someone knowing that they weren't respecting my wishes.
Have you tried talking to your mum and telling her why you refuse to leave bub with her - maybe she doesn't realise how distressing it is to you.
Have you thought of putting bub into daycare for a few hours a week - one that will respect your wishes - or maybe a family day care provider - you could shop around a bit and find one that suits your needs.

[nemosmum]

Your standards are not too high so dont worry about that LOL.

If you are really desperate for a little R&R even just an hour I would look into occassional care centres which are usually council run with very high standards of care. Your also, as Kamika pointed out more likely to have your parenting style respected by caring professionals. Just ensure you choose a centre wisely and sus it out before leaving bub there. Occassional care is great coz you can leave bub there for as little as an hour once every couple of months if you like depending on your needs;and your only paying for the time you use.

Hope you find something that works best for you :)

[Refresh]

Hi:)

You have gotten some good advice here and I just wanted to agree that your standards can never be too high when it comes to your bubba! You sound like one of the most amazing 17 year olds I have ever "met"...you seem to have everything under control and firmly set in your head what you want to do. I admire you and it sounds like you are doing an amazing job!!

I personally think that you can never go wrong if you trust your instincts when it comes to parenting - keep believing in yourself as a mother and the answers will come.

Best of luck with it:) Whereabouts in Brissy are you?

[Malin]

Hi Bubba Belly!

I really hope you find some one else to baby sit your baby, such a shame that your mum is so different from you, would she listen to you at all if you explained that you don't want your baby to cry to sleep?
Some people don't parent from their heart at all, some other people could change the mind if you gave them written information why leaving babies to cry is a proven fact very dangerous.
I would love to help out just contact me, I have been there but with excellent support of my husband.
We never purposely let our son cry to sleep, I breast feed him to sleep, we have sung to him to sleep, rocked him to sleep carried him, once stage we even hoovered our floors while he was in the baby Bjorn that always worked.
I'm totally with you on that going to sleep should be peaceful as possible.

I do understand that leaving your baby with other is a very hard thing to do.
I have done this to an extreme, people really have think that I'm mad, but I believe that being patience and been waiting until my son was ready to leave me home and gone out with dad. ( If i remember right he was about 1 1/2 years old or so) It work for us so he has never suffered separation from me yet.
I can also totally understand that you do need a break being a single mum, and I really hope you find someone you trust that will help you out!!
The risk of burn out is big for any style of parenting, or when we simply doing more than we should.

The best luck to you and you sound like a wonderful mum!
Malin

[jarrahsmumma]

i think if u dont feel comfortable then dont do it, is it possible to take bub to a baby friendly hairdresser? or talk to your haidresser first about bringing bub along. or invite a friend along with you to give you a hand???

if my mum was like that i would not leave my son with her

peace

[our little treasures]

Hi your not alone..

I never let anyone look after dd until she was until 14mnths and I was glad I waited until I was ready sil often said that I would have problems with her not detaching (her son was babysat from birth and first sleepover at 6mnths eeekk) well my dd is wonderfully detached she even waves bye as I leave her (talk about rejected). I will do the same with ds 10wks.

My mum and mil are the same omg you should here my mum about b/f in bed co sleeping, dummies and rocking bubs to sleep!!! Although I was always strong and often got very blunt with my ways and to tell you the truth my dd never needed to be rocked by my mum she just went to sleep on the couch with my mum!!!

Same with mil bubs just tells them bed!!! However I still sleep with her ie I lay in bed until she is nearly asleep and tell her Nite nite and off I go and this is what I demand of mil and mum if they want to watch dd!! That being said dd has vener had a sleep over and won't until she is old enough to talk!!!!

I wouldnt put child in day care (personal view) I have heard horrible events in recent weeks which makes me glad I am dead against it!!

Try to sit down and chat with your mum and be upfront with her.

Good luck my dear, but you need time out!!

[tyler's mum]

i dont like leaveing tyler she is 7weeks old, i hav left her a few time with my parents... they are such a great support they do things my ways, but iam a single mum and am finding it hard to leave her because i feel bad she doesing have a dad in her life so i wanna make sure im always there... however i know i have to let go to have time for myself... do u have any support?