Question for Mums with older kids... A bit long sorry!

[sueliz]

Hi there

I don't know much about AP I must admit - I don't believe I had heard the term until i found BH and while I don't use a lot of AP 'techniques', (for want of a better word), I have lately been thinking about how I want to teach my DS good behaviour and manners and so on as he gets older, (he is only just under 9 mths now so there is no rush of course!!).
I thought that perhaps the philosophy of AP came closest to how I would like to approach things so I was hoping you could give me some advice.

I want to try and avoid using words like 'No' and 'Don't' as I would like to reserve them to use in DANGER situations. Can anyone suggest techniques I can use instead?
I want my kids to grow up accepting responsibility for their actions and knowing there are repercussions for 'bad' behavoiur. Are techniques like 'time out' or the 'naughty corenr' good for these or are their other tips???
If this is the wrong area for this thread I do apologise I just thought perhaps the ladies on here might be able to give me the sort of advice and ideas I would like to use in the future.
Again - I know it's a while away before I have to start using these, but it has been playing on my mind a bit so I want to prepare myself so I can get out of the habit of being too 'negative' in my techniques now...

[Funkychicken]

Oohhh..this is a tricky one. Most people have fairly set ideas on what they deem as 'good' or 'bad' parenting techniques. There are so many out there and I would assume most parenting is borne out of love for the child/ren.
I can only offer you my personal opinions and I would never expect everyone to agree with them.
As far as things like the naughty chair (and that woman who coined it) go, I find it abhorent. To me it is much like the old dunce hat on the child in the corner of the school room-demeaning and embarressing.
I am far from a perfect parent but I guess i try to let our children take responsibility for their own actions. We let them experience things and decide for themselves if it is such a good idea or not (dangerous activites not included). If they come to us with an issue to discuss, we tend to ask them things like "how do you feel when that happen's" or "What do you think you can do about that". Allowing them to make small choices as littlies can help boost their self-confindence. For example, instead of saying "Wear this coat" or the other side of that "Which coat do you want to wear?" you can try, "Do you want to wear your blue coat or your red caot today?"
There is still responsibility and choice, but within limits of a small child.
I guess the biggest lesson I am constantly learning about is receiving each child as they are. Each child is so unique and we tend, as adults, to push change in them so much, that we can forget to allow them to be themselves. I have to rememember when dealing with 8yo DS it is very different to how I need to be with 6yo DD.
All the best with your bubba. I think the very fact that you are consciously thinking about this issue means you are already on the right track. :thumbsup:

[faery]

my little one is only 8 months so i don't need to worry about it yet, but i have been trying to alter my language.

my instinct is to say NO when he does things i don't want him to do but i am trying to change that to a positive or at least an honest explanation. like "it hurts mummy when you pull her hair" rather than just "owch! no" and of course he will still do it but i figure eventually he will get it. and i find it good to start changing how i speak now so when he is older I won't have to think about it.

we put a positive spin on the language. rather than "don't throw food on the floor" say "we keep food in our bowls" or whatever.

I'm saving the big no's for when he is going to hurt himself of others.

will be interesting to see how this works when he is older but i also HATE those stupid naughty cushions, shaming devices and the like.

[sueliz]

Thanks Ladies!

You know, there was something about the 'naughty chair' I didn't like but couldn't put my finger on it and I think you summed it up for me Funkychicken!!
I like the ideas both of you have given about simply approaching my language in a more positive way and teaching them about making choices by asking questions in a way where I am ensure I am giving them the ability to make that choice.
I appreciate your advice - thanks heaps!!

[GC Mum]

I do something similar with my use of language... If DD begins to chew on a book I will say "books are not for chewing but you can chew on this toy"... so redirecting her that she is allowed to do.