CC - emotions and the mother

[cheezelkat]

I wasn't sure where to post this, sorry.

My son is 9 months old and I used to be an AP parent since birth. It's getting harder and harder to settle him, so I decided to trial him on a CC routine at a health clinic. I made it clear I would not go past the hour if it didn't work.

Now his usual routine is a 2 1/2 hour giant sleep in the middle of the day in his pram.

Today was the CC. First time, it took 55 minutes for him to go to sleep. I went in at 2 m, 4 m, 6 m, 8 m and 10 minutes to comfort him. He screamed, I cried and he eventually fell asleep on his tummy. He awoke unhappily an hour later.

He was showing tired signs an hour later. Repeated the routine and he was asleep in 10 minutes this time - sleeping for 40 minutes.

Now, he was showing tired signs 10 minutes ago. He's back in his cot, cried 2 minutes and is now laying down, head down, falling asleep.

Great you say? Then why do I feel so bad? Seriously, I feel sick to my stomach that I let my baby cry. Clearly, the method is working for us, but inside, I'm devastated. How do I resist the urge to run in and give him a big hug?

Please CCers - how do you feel? And if you feel how I feel, how do you cope?

Please, don't judge me for this. I'm stuck in a rut with settling him. I need to survive. I don't know if I'll continue with the CC - I just don't know what to do.

[the_queen]

You know I'm not a cc-er Cheezy - just wanted to say that if you are devestated by what is happening, and you are feeling sick to your stomach, then you deserve one of these :hugs:
Hope things change for you soon. :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

[Shanaynay]

Hi Cheezelkat,

I have gone the opposite to you!
With my first bub 3 years ago we used CC from birth. Now I won't even consider it! lol Anyway, it's hard to remember, but I ddin't used to really get dsitressed listening to her cry. I would think: "Why is she crying?". Usually the answer was: she's tired. So I guess I knew that by doing CC, although she was crying, it was a means to stop the crying: she was crying because she was tired, we were using CC to get her to sleep :)
I did find it harder when I realised sometimes it was a "I want my mummy" cry :( That's when it all began to fall apart, I could only use CC if she was TIRED. Which was hard if at 9pm at night, she still wasn't tired, but I wanted ehr in bed. That's when I began feeding to sleep, co-sleeping etc...

Sorry, I hope that helps! you might find it useful if you think about the purpose of using CC, rather than just listening to his cries. I'm glad it's working for you!

xx

[cheezelkat]

Hi Cheezelkat,

I have gone the opposite to you!
With my first bub 3 years ago we used CC from birth. Now I won't even consider it! lol Anyway, it's hard to remember, but I ddin't used to really get dsitressed listening to her cry. I would think: "Why is she crying?". Usually the answer was: she's tired. So I guess I knew that by doing CC, although she was crying, it was a means to stop the crying: she was crying because she was tired, we were using CC to get her to sleep
I did find it harder when I realised sometimes it was a "I want my mummy" cry That's when it all began to fall apart, I could only use CC if she was TIRED. Which was hard if at 9pm at night, she still wasn't tired, but I wanted ehr in bed. That's when I began feeding to sleep, co-sleeping etc...

Sorry, I hope that helps! you might find it useful if you think about the purpose of using CC, rather than just listening to his cries. I'm glad it's working for you!

xx

He was crying for me all day - calling my name :gloomy: I lost it there - I was crying so hard. But I feel stuck. The nursing to sleep just isn't working - and I need something to work for me!

Thanks for the :hugs: :)

[Shanaynay]

Oh no :(
You poor thing. You need to make up your mind if you want to persevere with the CC or not. If you do, you just need to focus on the end result - a happy little boy who will go to be without a fuss :yelclap: I know it's hard, but it's far better for him to have a little cry before bedtime that to have a mum who can't function thru lack of sleep! you jsut need to weigh up all the different methods you know/have tried, and see which is the best for your little family. Nobody will judge you for whichever choice you make, you do what is the best thing for bubs ok? :hugs:
PS Is there anyone who could help you out with the CC, so maybe you could go out in the garden or something while someone else is inside with him doing the CC?

[Percy]

Awww you poor thing. Have lots of :hugs:

I understand how you feel. I have just returned home from a week at riverton. As hearbreaking as it is to start with, you have to keep reminding yourself that you are doing whats best for both of you.

My ds was getting progressively worse, and i knew if i didnt put a stop to it now it would get out of hand, and i needed to do it for my own sanity as well.

Lots more :hugs: . I hope you start feeling better soon.

[mama2cierra]

Does he have a cuddly or a comforter when he goes to sleep? I tried to CC Cierra to sleep when she was about 6 months but gave it in after afew weeks because it didnt work either.
She finally got the gist of falling to sleep by herself at about 10 or 11 months i think. but she had a few toys and now a dummy!! to keep her company.

[draught]

Hi
Despite having used CC with both my girls when I reached the end of my tether and nothing else was working I have never claimed it is easy or fun. I used it for DD1 when she was 9 months old and it worked after a few days. It never worked for day time sleeps - I always had to lie down with her for those but for night time it saved my sanity. So - one option to think about is having a different routine for day time and night time - it certainly worked for my daughter.

With DD2 I had read more (in other words I had found bubhub) and all the anti-CC stuff sat there in my head and made me feel sick. Hearing her cry convinced me that I was causing her permanent damage etc - but I needed her to sleep more than one hour at a time, and needed her to go to sleep without me rocking her, feeding her and patting her for an hour each time - I was going insane (and not quietly). DD2 is a very different child from DD1 - any step out of her routine and she immediately goes back to needing help to go to sleep - including at 2 years of age. So we have done CC a number of times with her (about 16 or 17)....and we need to do it for daytime and night time sleeps because she is a different child with completely different triggers.

So - the point of my long story? First of all - I believe that neither of my children have been damaged by CC - they both still call for me at the first sign of anything - day or night - and I still respond. Second - different children have different needs, so maybe try co-sleeping for daytime but CC for night time. Third - now that you have started, try and stick it out for another day or so - if you are desperate enough to have started you owe it to both yourself and your child to see whether you can make a difference for both of you.

Hope that all makes sense!
Oh - and if you don't follow through - no big deal - and good luck finding something else that does work for both of you.

[cheezelkat]

Thankyou Draught - that is extremley helpful. I don't think the CC will cause any damage - I know he is safe and all his needs are met. I just need him to be able to sleep. He won't use a dummy, and only nurses to sleep if he's very exhausted and grizzly - I'd prefer him not to reach that stage!

During the day, I'm happy to pop him in his pram. It's the night time sleeps we are having the biggest problems with. As it stands, if we are out, he won't calm down at all and gets grizzly when I put him down. At home, as I try to nurse him to sleep in my bed, he starts rocking on his hands and knees and crawling everywhere. It's getting very frustrating spending 3 hours a night putting the baby to sleep.

I'm going to continue with the CC for the nights at least, I need my sanity!

Thankyou everyone for youre very helpful advice :)

[Alisonp]

I just wanted to say that I don't think many parents would use CC and not feel awful. I know felt physically ill when we started CC and couldn't physically go into DD's room and not pick her up. My DH ended up doing the comforting (and still does) and I don't think I could have done it without him. He hated it too but he was stronger than me.

Now that we have a baby that sleeps through the night she wakes up so happy and chirpy I know we did the right thing. When she was waking up all night long DD was not a happy baby. She was tired and grumpy and it was just awful for all of us. When I think about how difficult it was I try to think about the end result which was very positive.

[cheezelkat]

Colouring sounds good.

I never expected him to yell as loud as he did - its quite unnerving.

He's zonked out right now, poor little man. I tried to CC him in his cot but I gave in :o He fell asleep easily on my bed.

[aprilbaby]

Hi Cheezelkat,

I can totally relate to how you're feeling. Although I have not tried CC yet I am getting to the point where I feel like I'm running out of options and am desperate enough to try it even though I don't want to.

My 7 month old will only go to sleep in my arms and once he's down will wake every 40 minutes to 1.5hours needing to be resettled. Even when we co-sleep, which we do at the moment coz I was losing the plot getting up so often, he still wakes every 2 hours and needs to be fed, dummy in or rocked in my arms to go back to sleep.

During the day he only ever sleeps for 30-40 min so I have absolutely no time to my self to do anything. He is very happy lively baby and is a joy to be around so I don't mind so much during the day but waking every hour at night is a killer.

I am so torn about CC and I know if I did it I would feel so guilty but would only get to that point when all avenues were exhausted. Even though everyone I know tells me it does no harm it's tough when your instinct as a mother is to comfort the crying not ignore it.

Anyway, what i wanted to say is that i can relate to your feelings and I'm sending :hugs: your way. You sound like a wonderful mother and you have to do what's best for your baby AND yourself so don't beat yourself up about doing what you need to.

I have abit more fight left in me but might be back here saying exactly what you are in 2 months time! Fingers crossed it doesn't get to that but I have a feeling it might.Like my DH keeps reminding me, we did ask for a spirited child so we only have ourselves to blame.

I hope it works for you and is over quickly, if so you'll have to let us know.

take care. x

[chant]

have you read elizabeth pantley's no cry sleep solution? she is the only 'middle of the road' sleep 'expert' i've found. maybe you'll find her suggestions more comfortable? she addresses the issue of needing to change sleep associations but more gradually than cc.

[Seekrit]

Colouring sounds good.

I never expected him to yell as loud as he did - its quite unnerving.

He's zonked out right now, poor little man. I tried to CC him in his cot but I gave in :o He fell asleep easily on my bed.

I'm not sure how you feel about this - especially with a tummy sleeper, but i was told by a proffesional that babies who sleep better on mum and dads bed prefer the softness of it as cot beds tend to be hard. she suggest putting a doona over the cot mattress to soften it... but yeah, COULD be a sids risk. (spech with a tummy sleeper)

[Karizma]

we did this, cause our mattress was so so much comfier. We put a bit of foam, you can buy them from clarks and rubber. Then a cot doona, worked like a dream. :D He wouldnt sleep in it before we did that :D


I'm not sure how you feel about this - especially with a tummy sleeper, but i was told by a proffesional that babies who sleep better on mum and dads bed prefer the softness of it as cot beds tend to be hard. she suggest putting a doona over the cot mattress to soften it... but yeah, COULD be a sids risk. (spech with a tummy sleeper)

[SassyMummy]

I'm so lucky that I never "officially" had to attempt a certain style of sleeping. She slept through from 3 weeks (co-sleeping), and sleeps really well now. There was a patch there, when we were trying to switch from co-sleeping to cot-sleeping, where things went a bit mental. Why would she want to sleep in a cot by herself (even though she was in my room), when she could take over the bed and sleep with Mum and Dad? (We have a double bed, not a queen or king...so she NEEDED to move to a cot... it was just getting far too cramped as Summer approached!).

I began to CC, without really know what I was doing (just kinda making it up as I went along, hoping it worked). There was no official amount of time I'd let her cry for... but it usually wasn't very long. I'd stand outside of the bedroom door and listen to her cries...hoping to god that she'd just stop and go to sleep.

I felt bad. My baby crying meant that she wanted me...and naturally, my instinct was telling me to go to her. Maybe in the cavemen days that worked out fine, but it wasn't working well in my life, and so CCing was needed to save my sanity. I NEEDED sleep - and I just wasn't getting it while she was in bed with me anymore.

I DID feel bad at first...she cried and I didn't go to her. I felt like I was betraying her trust, in a way. Slowly though, she learnt to go to sleep on her own. Sometimes I'd have to go in there and pat her to sleep, sometimes I just CCed... but it all worked out for the better. Now I just put her to bed, she rolls onto her side, and goes to sleep. No whinges (unless she's sick/teething or something), no complaints. Just sleep.

I don't feel guilty anymore...I feel happy that I went through with it. It means that I don't resent my DD for not letting me get any sleep, and it means that she CAN do it without me. Anyone can put her to bed, because she knows that she's in there to sleep, and she knows that it's no use crying because I won't come and get her up... that she'll just have to sleep.

We do have off-nights... last night for example, she screamed when I put her to bed. I left her for about 20 minutes (she's 15 months), but she was still crying at the end of it. I went back, got her, cuddled her for about 10 mins, then took her back. She whinged for about 2 more minutes before sleeping. I figure she just needed that extra cuddle time (she's teething at the moment).

[cheezelkat]

I might try the blanket idea - thanks :)

SassyMummy, I'm really glad you posted that. I found that even after yesterdays attempt, he just settled to bed last night so much easier. He fell asleep on my bed after a feed so I left him - at one stage he woke up and when normally he would have started crying, he jst fell back to sleep this time. It was so fantastic not to have to fight to get him to sleep.

Hopefully today is a good day.

[Lambie]

I started DD on a variation of comfort settling when she was 4 months old. Unfortunately she got the better of me and I caved in. Recently I started again as she was getting worse and we were both trying to live on 7 hours sleep each day.

I ended up crying hysterically down the phone to Mum when lack of sleep got the better of me.

She sent me the following email the next day which I read everytime I feel the urge to let our routine slip...

I know it is very hard getting a child through wakeful times but from experience, you may have to be a little bit tougher and let her cry her self to sleep. This sounds hard but if she is not in pain she will probably cry herself to sleep. I and most mums I know have had to do this at times for our own sanity and to install a good pattern. This is just a suggestion, please don't take it as a criticism because I think you are doing a great job, but as you said you need time to yourself. Good luck.

[Rhys'Mum]

[QUOTE=cheezelkat;787084]He was crying for me all day - calling my name :gloomy: I lost it there - I was crying so hard. But I feel stuck. The nursing to sleep just isn't working - and I need something to work for me!
[QUOTE]

I soooo know how you feel. Cc can be really hard and I too wish that all of the other 'nicer' ways would have continued to work for us.

There were times when every ounce of my being was crying out that it was wrong to let my baby cry but I do really think it was the right thing for us and that it was worth going through. While I tried CCing at home with some measure of success we quickly had a relapse and ended up in QE11, the mothercraft nurses residential centre, at 9 months. I strongly recommend demanding support and pushing your way into a residential program if you are struggling because there are so many benefits to being in the supported environment and I found it less rigid, more tailored to the particular child and situation.

One thing that really helped me was an observation a nurse made walking past. She said, "boy, he's pretty cranky about this isn't he. But he's looking after himself, hear how he stops, takes a big breath, has a quick listen then starts again. He's just letting you know he's unhappy. If he really wasn't coping his cry would sound different."

At the time I couldn't tell the difference whereas now I do know an angry frustrated cry, from a sad or hurt I want my mummy cry, to the overtired cranky man yelling. Fortunately we rarely hear any of them now he gets enough sleep!!!!!

Good luck with it!!! Big hugs!!!!! When it gets really hard remember why you decided it was the only way left and why it was worth trying.

Oh and you aren't a monster, you will experience motherguilt no matter what you do, your child is special, clearly loved and not like any other, what works for some may not be right for your child and sleep is a fundamental requirement to a happy, healthy life and optimum development.

[Rhys'Mum]

I know it is very hard getting a child through wakeful times but from experience, you may have to be a little bit tougher and let her cry her self to sleep. This sounds hard but if she is not in pain she will probably cry herself to sleep. I and most mums I know have had to do this at times for our own sanity and to install a good pattern. This is just a suggestion, please don't take it as a criticism because I think you are doing a great job, but as you said you need time to yourself. Good luck.

This made me cry - how sensitive, compassionate and wise.

What a lesson in how we mothers should share with each other. Supportive, non-critical and matter of factly sharing her own experiences without telling or implying that others are wrong.

Please say thankyou to your mother.

[Lambie]

Thanks Princess Niamh and Rhys' Mum. She's pretty special, my best friend...other than DH of course!

[Funkychicken]

Hi CK. Big :hugs: as this is such a hard thing to do. Making a decision to use CC is such a hard one.
When DS#1 was about 8 months old, I was at the end of my tether with day sleeps. I would either lay down in bed with him and feed him to sleep in the morning or take him out in the pram and sometimes walk for up to an hour before he dropped off-then dash home and try to accomplish a days worth of stuff in the 20 minutes or so that he would keep sleeping.
In the afternoons I would put him in the car and go driving. I was driving around the block yet again one day and realised how ridiculous this was. Something had to change.
I went to the MCHC for a check-up and explained what I was doing and she suggested I contact a centre that help mum's and bub's. First contact was a phone call to make an appointment for a phone meeting. This meeting call went for about 1/2 an hour and they were very patient. We then decided on a day-stay program (they also do weekends, weeks etc...). It was the turning point for us. Bith DS and I learnt about seetling and sleeping and although I was scared by his crying at first I felt safe as I was being guided by the nurses. he in fact settled after about 20 mins and then slept for 40 mins. Instead of getting him up though, we re-settled him and he ended up sleeping for 2 hrs. We did this again in the afternoon and he slept through the two hours without stirring. During this time I had a one-on-one session with a nurese(not sure of her title) and we got into the nitty gritty of how I was travelling. I felt so cared about and safe in that environment. This session was probably the most important part of the stay.
We went home that night and from that time on he slept 2 hours twice a day and 11 hrs a night. I felt like a different person and DS was so much happier too.
That is what worked for me at the time. The important thing is that you do what it is you need to do not what friends, family, passers-by think you should do. It is your life and your childs life and it is your decision to make. The only suggestion I have is that you contact a sleep centre or similar and have someone guide you through this. It will lessen the fear and you will have much-needed support.
All the best. :thumbsup:

[aimz]

:) I completely sympathise with all of you... i had to call in a sleep specialist for my DD as she refused to sleep during the day. she has always been pretty good at night but as soon as DP would go to work she would start screaming and wouldnt stop til her nightime feed and bath.

we recently changed from the bassinette to the cot and also found it was really hard. We put a doona and then a woolen underlay on top of her mattress... this seemed to do the trick! who would want to sleep on something hard? we certainly don't.

My Dd is also a tummy sleeper, and only since we did CC... however what is more damaging, tummy sleeping or not getting any sleep???

[Sarie]

Aw hon I wanted to send you some :hugs: . This is such a hard time, but when they do get settled into a routine it is well worth it.
I think everyone who CC goes through the same emotions and tug of war as to stay out or go in, but I found the key to CC for us was to be consistant.
Stay strong it will get better and remember there are lots of us who have been there and if you ever need a shoulder to cry on we will probably cry right along with you.
Best of luck hon!:hugs:

[Sarie]

:)
My Dd is also a tummy sleeper, and only since we did CC... however what is more damaging, tummy sleeping or not getting any sleep???

Our boys both started to sleep on their tummy from about 5 weeks old. It's the only way they would sleep.

[Issey]

I also did CC with my DS, and yes to begin with it is upseting, however when you aren't functioning properly anymore from sleep deprivation you need to find a way to improve the situation for both your benefits. If we are tired after waking all the time I can only imagine that bubs would feel the same as we do (guessing). I needed someone to support me through it so I wouldn't break and go in and pick him up as then I would be back to square one again.

:hugs: remember your bubs is learning how to go to sleep on their own this website is from the paedatrician I saw when I was at the end of the road as to what to do next. www.childhealth.com.au (http://www.childhealth.com.au) it might help?

Still when I put my DS down during the day he will cry for between 5 - 15 minutes before going to sleep (because he doens't want to have a sleep but needs it), at night he goes to sleep straight away now and sleeps from 7pm - 5am. Personally I am glad I did this otherwise I am sure I would still be getting up 3-6 times a night :sleeping: :sleeping:

:hugs: good luck

[*Chels*]

Hey Cheezy.
How is the cc going??Hope things are getting better for you:hugs:

[Cupcake]

The sleeping thing can be so hard :( You will get there :hugs:

[cheezelkat]

I couldn't do it - I tried once today and when I walked in, he had put his arms out for big hugs. I completely caved and took him for a walk for his sleep.

I'm too much of a softie for this!

[Nan]

Hi Cheezelkat!
I agree. I hope you don't feel like a failure - becasue you're NOT!! :yes: I felt like caving heaps with my DD and it IS hard listening to them cry. To answer your OP, I used to concentrate on my breathing, then I would rationalise the cry in my head. "Why is she crying? She wants me. But what do I know she needs? Sleep. If I cave now what will happen? She'll cry like this for God knows how many months! I'll get no sleep & I'll be a crabbier mum! What will happen if I leave her for a few minutes? (and I stress A FEW MINUTES!) She'll learn to self settle." Thoughts like this really helped me and DD learned how to self-settle within 3-4 days.
DH & I made a joint decision that we would not leave DD to cry longer than 10 mins. and after 10 mins. one of us would be in there offerring reassurance. Sometimes we picked DD up and other times we didn't need to as she stopped as soon as we went in there iykwim! So we'd just speak soothingly and leave once she'd settled down. Generally, she went straight to sleep after that.
Having said that, we all have our limits and for some they are shorter than others. Your bubs needs you to be in the best of spirits and if that is when you are helping with settling, then so be it. That's the way you operate and mums should never feel any guilt about how they operate! :hugs:
I also did what funkychicken did. If DD would wake earlier than usual, we'd go in and re-settle her off to sleep again, so she wasn't feral all day!
I'd have to say keep trying with the CC as it does work, but if you feel like you can't then "to thine own self be true". Good luck.
Love,
Nan. xx

[elmar's_mummy22]

I've been using the CC method for a week now and it seams to be working. I still feed to sleep after the 1st initial sleep at night but that isn't an answer either because my ds wakes up every 3/4 hours to feed. When I initially put him into his cot, I let him cry between 10 and 20 mins, after that he is tyred enough and I put him down onto his side and pat his back. He is showing improvement every time. He didn't cry at all last night. Be strong, ask your partner for support or even get sum1 close to you to stay a few nights until you feel strong enough to do it on your own again.