Mumless Mums

[Seekrit]

Or mums-to-be

If ever I'll let go of my secret identity, it'll be here.

I'm not a mum yet, nor a mum-to-be but something that scare the complete s%^& out of me is the fact that my mum passed away when I was in my teens.
Now that I'm TTC I wish, so much, that I could call her and asked her what worked for her (although knowing that my big sister and I were accidents, I'm not sure if anything did) and I worry that when I do have a baby I can't call a *MUM* for help.
I've already thought about this. I would feel like the biggest failure to call my mother-in-law at 2am to ask her why the baby won't stop. Or even to call her at 9am and ask her questions, to call anyone...

I'm the youngest and I just found out that my big sister is moving to another continent. If she does move when she plans and I conceive when I plan, she won't be there for me. She doesn't have kids herself so I don't know what she'd do, but she won't be there as an Aunty. Her first Niece/Nephew. :( It was bad enough when she moved a few hours away but I can't deal with her moving so far. I just wanted to tell her last night that I'd already lost mum, I don't want to lose her as well, but how selfish is that?
She's quite critcal as well, she's one of the ones who we definately won't tell we're TTC until it happens, as much as I love her, she can't keep her mouth shut nor her opinions to herself.

This is everywhere, went from one to another.

Back to the topic at hand. How do you other mumless mums do it?
I know I have a large support network, my best friend (the only one who knows we're TTC) is incredible and knows my drama and I know she'll support me and help me, but there's just no one who's my mum.

(Just needed to get all that cleared out)

[wattle]

I'm so sad that you don't have your mum around to share this time with. I'm sure she's with you in spirit.

My mum is around, but she's definitely not the 'motherly' type of mum I thought she'd be. She couldn't remember anything about her pregnancy, she never offered to help do anything (like cook a meal etc), she even sat on the couch and watched me vacuum at 7 months without asking if she could help!!!!!! I really thought that she would be a good support, but she wasn't.

But on the upside...... you've found bubhub. I really needed everyone here - it's down to earth, relevant, current advice from mums who have experienced it all. So even though your mum isn't here, you have a whole family of bubhub mums who are here 24 hours a day, and that's gotta be the next best thing.

[Bonusbaby]

Oh sweetheart your message brought tears to my eyes. I am due to have my third child on 21/3/06 and am 31. I lost my mum when I was 24 and have missed her everyday since.

It is really hard not having a mum who you can ring in the middle of the night or just ask silly questions, and you are right , no matter how good your mother in-law is it is NOT the same as your own mum.

One of the things that still gets me after all this time is that my Mum will never see my children and they will only know her through photos and stories and she would have loved them like crazy.

Having said all that you have to take help where you can find it, my sister lives in Brisbane and I live in Bathurst so she is very far away but the telephone has been a life saver for me. My mother in-law has been somewhat of a help, and lets face it sometimes anything is better than nothing.

As you know already your grow up pretty fast when your mum dies and this situation is no exception. All that is left to do is suck it up and get on with it, because unfortunately that is the reality of the situation.

Sooo, my thing is that I feel my sadness, accept it and then try to make my Mum proud by being the best mum that I can be to my own children. I only hope and pray that they feel as loved and cared for as my mum made me feel.

[Maghan]

I lost my mum when I was 21 and in fairly quick sucession other people I was close to - my Nana, a couple of Aunties and Uncles too. It makes me very sad to know that my mum isn't here to see my beautiful children and to fuss over them and spoil them rotten. But worse yet, my kids just don't get the concept of who she is. They look at photos and I tell them about her, but they sometimes say: "Oh, was she your mum?". I don't have a good relationship with the in-laws and my own siblings suffer from drug addictions and have mental health issues so they aren't in the picture either. (Don't even ask about my evil father - that would need a whole new thread!).

So yes, I really miss my mum, we were such good friends, I wonder if she's proud of the sort of mum/person I am.

[melfunction]

I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face, as I too lost my mum when I was 15. I often wonder what my mum would say to me now and if she would be proud of me.

I had Kaiden on 16/06/05, the day before the 14th anniversary of her death. I must admit that I was a bit of a mess thinking he could come on that date. Just goes to show how the circle of life really works.

I went and still am going through the same sort of thing. I too have no one I can ring when things aren't going right. No one to share the highs and lows (apart from dh) No one to tell that he rolled over for the first time. It is an extremely hollow feeling and god do I feel empty. The hole that is there has somewhat been filled with the arrival of Kaiden. I don't need to tell you how deep that hole was.

Kaiden has been just the tonic. It is spooky sometimes though, when he stares past me while lying in his cot and smiles. Not just a half smile, but a big beaming smile that shows instant recognition. He quite often will stare at the ceiling and laughs and giggles, just like someone is tickling him. I know then, that mum is here, watching, guiding me and supporting me even though I can't talk to her.

So I believe your mum will be doing the same. When your precious child comes along, watch for those signs. It really helps me to be strong to believe that my mum is watching me from afar.

When you lose someone as important as your mum, nothing will hurt you as much. The pain of labour didn't even hurt me.

I know you are going to be great mum to your child. We always do. Feel free to email me. I would love to help you if I can.

Best wishes xxxxx

[Ky]

It will be 10 years this year since I lost my Mum ... she never met any of her grandchildren and would really have been a wonderful Gran ... this is one of the things that I really grieve for!

I have found that you need a really good support network of friends ... whether they be "in the flesh" or on wonderful sites like bubhub.

There will be times where you miss her immensely ... milestones, birthdays, births etc and there will be no replacing her, but you will get through.

You will find that concentrating on your own little family will start to make the ache of not having your Mum there dull down. It doesn't mean that there won't be times when you really feel that you need her ... you will get through them and look back in wonder at the strength that you have.

I too live in a different country to my family ... it is hard as they are not very communicative, but life goes on. We are involved in an incredible family and community orientated church and I have never had more support than I have now!

[ThomasMum]

Hiya Seekrit,

I too am mum-less, dad-less even. And my older bros and older sis and their family are all live in the UK. Yes like you, I too am the youngest one in the family.
It's hard sometimes to deal, it’s BLOODY hard. I wish also that my parents would have met my lil man, how amazing Thomas is...*sigh*

Don't feel ashamed to call your MIL, I've done them too many times I called them at 2 am whenever Joshua is overseas for business because I couldn’t sleep, and it had actually brought me closer to her. She never called me being a failure for that; she actually thanked me for it!

So my advice is, if you have friends that support you there, pls let "them" in. I might not have a million friends, but I have the best support network ever. And most importantly though, my husband Joshua is like a gem for me. He knows how I feel and he will always be there for me. I could yell at him when I feel so shirty about little things and he still loves me because he knows that I didn't mean to yell at him.

Sure I do miss my family, my parents who are in Heaven, but I have my world now. I wouldn’t want to swap with anything else. Sorry to say but I don't think I want to go back to UK and not having Joshua or Thomas in my life.
We do visit my family on regular basis, or vice versa they come to Australia to a visit.

I hope that you will see life differently once you have your bub. You will be too busy looking after your bub, that you don't even have time to be sad. Like I do, just think about that these special people will be with you forever. Joshua always said to me, how proud my folks would be right now with me

Keep smile :)

Hugs from us :)

[stellaj]

I lost my mum when i was 3 years old, i don't even know what she died of and no-one talks about her at all. I think the first time i actually felt i was missing out on having a mum was when my son was born and now as he is growing up. I think when you become a mum you realise how important mums are for emotional stuff and for someone to mind the kids! I think it has made me very independant and i find it very hard to rely on other people and ask for help. My dad is a good person and he would BUY me anything i want or need but it's not the same. You know what though you just have to get on with life and accept the hand that has been dealt i think.

[Zeta]

I am so sorry you don't have your Mum around anymore.

It's nowhere near the same, but I am 5 weeks pregnant and living in Perth, while my Mum still lives in Hobart where I grew up. All my friends live in remote areas, so I feel quite isolated. Now, Mum and I have never had an easy relationship by any stretch, but I find I want her around now and it's hard that she's so far away. My partner is a contract engineer and is looking at jobs overseas in February, which means I will be even further away when I give birth. I really thought I was cool with it, but last night I had a major meltdown and said I didn't want to go because I wanted my Mum there for the birth. The tears just wouldn't stop.

I think pregnancy or even the prospect of pregnancy brings out all our vulnerabilities, our sense of loss, sadness, anger, the whole lot. You are very brave to tell people how you are feeling. This is a great site and the more of us who share our feelings here, good and bad, 'acceptable' and 'unacceptable', the better - it stops that terrible loneliness that can overwhelm you, even at the most jopyful of times. It also stops us thinking we have to keep a stiff upper lip and pretend we're OK all the time, that we can handle everything all the time. That's when you can really get yourself in trouble.

What an authentic and courageous person you are. All the best.

Zeta

[Seekrit]

Thank you. To all who shared and cared. I feel better about it now.

Don't get me wrong, I'm quite well adjusted and it's not often I get down about mum, but sometimes, some things.

I already love bubhub, I hope you guys don't mind when I bombard you with questions :p

[Bonusbaby]

Seekrit,

Feel free to ask as many questions as you need too!!

When you say somtimes, somethings, it's just so true. I watched a woman and her mother shopping for baby things the other day and nearly had to sit down. I hadn't even thought of my Mum for ages and boom - it hit me like a tonne of bricks.

All you other lovely ladies out there, your strength inspires me.

Good luck with TTC Seekrit.

[carls]

I havent lost my mum physically, however after 10 years of emotional abuse and her comment that me falling pregnant was "another one of my lifes mistakes", I have cut my mum out of my life (a decision that did take 10 years to make so it wasnt a spur of the moment decision!).

So I dont have a mum to call during my pregnancy or one that will be there to see my son grow up, but I do have the support of friends, a soon to be step-mum, a wonderful man and of course bubhub for all the advice I will need when he arrives!

I think if you build up a strong support network around you, you will be fine. I'm sure your mum is watching over you and will help you get through any difficult times.
:)

[angcaltam]

I haven't lost my mum yet but we have just found out that she has cancer and might not even make it to christmas. I have 2 great sons and bub number 3 is on its way, I'm due 10th April 2006.
It is really getting me down that she might not be here to hold this bub just once. It hurts me knowing that she will not be around to see my 3 kids grow up.
The one thing that I'm really hoping for is that she holds on at least till we have the ultra-sound so that we can tell her if it is a boy or a girl.
I'm trying not to think about it to much because it does stress me out when I do and that isn't good for bub.
I know that when she does go she will be watching over us and helping us through but it still isn't the same.
Thank you for starting this thread.
It helps.

[j&k'smum]

Wow..and this is why I love bubhub so much....It brings me a sense or gratefullness for life and all that I have in my world. It makes me take a good look at myself and my sometimes petty crap.

To all you girls who have lost your mums ( and dads), I just want to say that I beleive wholeheartidly with what Kaidensmum wrote. That is all that was in my head while reading of your losses and sadness, "They are there watching over you, they can see your children and they are so very proud of you".
It has made me grateful that my emotional relationship with my mum has finally come to a close after twenty years of anger and resentment. Thankfully I have been given the chance to have what you girls long for so deeply.

Seekrit: I just want to say that you will be fine. You sound like you are very level headed and have great courage and strength. Rely on the sources you do have and your MIL might just suprise you. Don't let the fear hold you back from giving her a go atleast. Sometimes too when we lose something/someone in our lives we get a mental picture of how we think it "might" have been. That little image then clouds the reality out and makes us lose dealing with what we do have. Live for the now and not in the "it should have been's". And doing that means accepting and doing that is bloody hard sometimes!!!
I wish you sincerely all the best and hoping all goes well for you in your future.
Jo
:)

[Blessed Mum]

Hello to all,
I just found this thread and can't thank you enough for posting and sharing.I too lost my precious mum at age 17 very suddenly & tragically and it has taken many years of anguish & pain to get through. I am nearly 26 weeks pregnant and am just starting to feel the sadness and fear that mum won't be there this time as she was with my son. Its terrifying. I have also had a complications in my pregnancy where I had to have bedrest for a month and I sobbed wishing my mum could help me, hold me or just appear.
I hear you all out there and it feels so good to know there are other people going through what you are as I don't know anyone not any of my friends etc that under stand.
Thankyou from the bottom of my heart.
Tara

[Brissie_Mum2b]

My heart goes out to everyone who has posted messages on this topic.

I too lost my Mum, in 1988 when I was 19 - she was only 41 and died very suddenly. Now I'm 36 and expecting my first baby and it is really hitting hard at the moment - I just wish I could speak to her. She was a wonderful woman. I know she is with me in spirit but sometimes that is of little consolation and life, at times, can seem very unfair.

I am English and have been living here for a year so on top of that the rest of my family and close friends are all in the UK. Sometimes I feel quite lost and lonely. I have a wonderful husband and his family here and a few friends but it's just not the same. I know Mum would be so very proud of me now - but it breaks my heart that she will never see my child(ren) or my sister's three children. It's a crying shame and life sometimes seems so unfair. The only thing that keeps me going sometimes is the fact I am now having my own family and will have my own husband and child(ren) to love and cherish. Life is short - I intend to cherish every living moment.

Thinking of you all.

[melfunction]

[QUOTE=Brissie_Mum2b]
Life is short - I intend to cherish every living moment.
QUOTE]


Too true

[GiggleBerry]

Hi Everyone,

I know too well what it feels like to feel you are alone in this journey of starting a family. I moved from Canada 4.5 years ago and I have no family here to lean on and I have also found it hard to meet people of my own age (I am in hospitality and when you are over 21 you are a grandma in the industry!).

My mother and I never really saw eye to eye when I was growing up and a few years ago we had a huge falling out and I had to cut all ties. My family back home don't understand why I am here and we aren't very good at keeping in touch. So when DH and I started TTC #1 it felt abit lonely! I have no one to ask questions to or to talk to about what they went through...well that was until I found this site. Thank you ladies for being so honest about everything it helps to know that with just a few clicks I have a support network here.

Michelle :)

[Brissie_Mum2b]

Hi Michelle

Your message really struck a chord with me - mainly because you emigrated here to be with your DH too!! I live in Macgregor not too far from you. Give me a shout if you ever fancy meeting up - unfortunately I'm not driving at the moment as I still haven't sorted out my licence (on my list of things-to-do-before-the-bub-is-born!) but we could meet halfway somewhere?!! :confused:

You can message me on here or mail me on lizfolkard@optusnet.com.au.

Take care,

Liz

[lisa&boys]

Hi There.

I know its hard hun. My mother passed away this dec 5 yrs ago. I helped care for her with breast cancer and then brain cancer. I am the eldest out of 4 girls and the youngest are now 12 and 13 .
Sometimes I still really miss mum intensely but i know she is always with me when i need her. All my family live interstate and hardly ever see them as with 5 of us in our little faimly it costs an absolute fortune to go back up.
I rely heaps on dh and his family to help out. I am prob one of few thousand women that can say they have a great relationship with my mother inlaw, she has been so great to me over hte years (was a hard tough road at start though believe me but we have hit a middle ground of understanding i think,lol).
I have no answer really but just wanted to say i am thinking of you and send you hugs.
If you ever want to chat add me to msn i am a greta listener apparently, :)

Take care

hugs
Lisa

[Mumoffour]

i lost my mum even before i knew her- she was killed by a drunk driver :mad: in a prang when i was a baby. i then had a stepmother who hated me and made it quite clear. i mourned the loss of a mother who would help and give advice when i was pg with no 1. i asked my dad a lot of questions which bought up painfull memories he had supressed but i had to know. it made me sad when he told me how glad my mum was when i was born and how much i was wanted and cherished. :(
I had no good role model for parenting which was hard and now that i have my own beautiful daughter it makes me sad that i dont have a grandma for her to know and love. I didnt have any beaut tips for coping with that loss- i just muddled along. i think having girlfriends and having somewhere like this (bubhub) makes a differnce. :)

[lilly]

I am about to become a new mum. I cannot imagine what it is like to lose a mother but my mother and I have always been very different and have not really ever gotten along. Since I've become pregnant for the first time I have begun to feel a renewed need for her but my attempts to discuss it with her are brushed off. I'm also scared to push her too much to talk or to get together as I'm afraid of what she might say to me. She tends to be quite negative and I'm just feeling so vulnerable lately, I don't think I could handle her telling me I'm not going to make a good mother or any or such thing.

My mother in law is a completely different and she has been the best support for me since my husband and I announced we were expecting. As I work full time, she has offered to help me with housework and cooking or anything else I need and we are going shopping shortly for a cot. She also tells her son, my husband, exactly what he should be doing to help me out! I am just so grateful to her and love her to bits. I'm happy to take any advice that she can give me as I have so much respect for her.

My point is I think you need to look at the people who are around you now and see who can be your support network - who are the people you know who have given birth already, can you spend more time with them, etc. and don't be shy about asking for advice or help. I've identified 5 positive women in my life who are either mothers or mothers to be or just good friends who I know will support me and that alone makes me feel much more secure, and in turn I will be there for them, should they need me.

And again, this site is great for support!

All the best,

Lilly

[Jaileth]

I feel for all of you who have lost parents and loved ones. Be strong, and know that they'll be watching over you.