Would you be upset?

[sharvs]

DF is in Afghanistan at the moment. He gets 10 days ROCL (leave) where he has the option to go to Rome or fly back to Aust. His leave falls over Christmas/New Year & he has informed me, via email that he is going to Rome.

I've told him I really want him to come home & it means alot considering its our sons first Christmas but his mind is made up. I'm really upset by this, he has been home for about 2 months of our sons life & his deployment may be extended until June next year. I understand that it is pretty full on over there & wants a break but we are his family. I would walk to the end of the earth for my family, but it appears he doesnt feel the same.

He has really hurt me, and he knows it & wont ring me. He just keeps sending emails defending himself. Am I over-reacting? I dont want to fight with him whilst he is away, but his job always comes first. He has an opportunity to spend Christmas with us, but instead chosen to go to Rome with his single mates.

[Little_Toad]

Yup,
I'd definitely be p'eed off.

[*~alegna~*]

:yes: i think you are definately warrented in your feelings. i would be devastated to say the least.

Could you go there maybe? I know it shouldn't be you place to chase him but just a thought? :hugs: to you hun! xxxx

[p4purple]

Yep you have reason to be upset. You dont have to feel that you are fighting with him if you are just explaining how you feel.

[sharvs]

I dont think I could fly to Rome by myself with my son - I'd be so nervous that I would be sick. Apart from that, the exact dates dont get confirmed until almost the day before he leaves which makes it hard to arrange flights. He also hasnt asked me to meet him there, he says he just wants to relax for reasons he cant explain to me for security concerns.

I'm not even angry anymore, I am just that hurt by it that I dont know how I will move on from it. To make it worse, he wont even ring me because he knows how upset I am & he doesnt want me to make him feel bad. As much as I want him to be here, he has to want to be here too and at the moment he doesnt. I feel like this could end our relationship

[littleboyblue]

I would be very upset like I said my husband could go to Rome or back here or me to Rome all his single mates were going to Rome but it never crossed his mind not to return home to me. I would be very very :mad: at him.

Have you asked him why he wants to go to Rome if it's just cause he has never been there that's not good enough.

[catalicious]

I just want to come and give you a big :hugs: and spend christmas with you!!! :D



Me too!!

I am a bit of an emotional person at the best of times. But with Christmas and occassions such as these even more so with family.

I am not suggesting you do this by any means but if my Dp was choosing to go to Rome instead of coming home to spend Christmas with us it would break our relationship up. I just would find it impossible to be with someone who always comes first in a family, it goes children then parents.

I would understand if he was 'working' but not finishing for a while and going somewhere else. NO WAY!:no:

[SilverStarfish]

:hugs: You poor thing. I'd be devastated. I can't understand why any dad would want to miss his child's first Christmas! :confused:

[Shakey]

yip I would be peeved, he should really be comming home as it will be xmas and your DS first one, my DH did one tour to afghanistan and if he even thought he would take his leave somewhere else he'll soon know it was the wrong decision lol, have you talked to him about you wanting him to come home? DH missed our DS first xmas cause of afghanistan, I would've loved him to be there with us but cause of the nature of his job he wasn't allowed to take any leave our of afghanistan for the whole 6mths

[V8]

Ok, well i will try and look at it from your point and his point of view. If i was in your situation i would be sooo annoyed too. It's hard enough for you guys to have him over in Afganistan when it's a pretty messed up situation, but to then have him chose to go over to Rome instead of seeing you guys, that's a kick in the guts.

But, from his point of view, he has lived overseas in a war-like environment seeing things that most people would never ever want to see and has an opportunity to spend some time with his friends in Rome. This may help him deal with what he has experienced in Afganistan and give him a good break from things before he comes home, he may need to de-stress before coming home.

You can always come to some comprimise over what you will do for christmas, and i think if he goes to Rome, maybe you could suggest to him that when he gets back you want to go on a nice holiday and spend some 'family' time with him. At least then you will get him to yourselves, i'm sure he has other family that want to see him too and then you'll be upset that he is seeing his mum, dad, brother whatever.

There may be reasons why he thinks he needs to go to Afganistan and if he could explain it a bit better than 'for security reasons i cannot disclose it' then maybe you would be a little more understanding and less upset. If he actually just wants to go to Rome to get drunk everynight with his mates instead of you, then i would be seriously doubting his commitment to you and your son.

My DH used to be in the army, and i would not chose to go back to that life ever again. So big :hugs: to you.

[here_we_go]

I would be furious too.

I will pm you further to this post when I get a chance.

My DP missed our daughters first few birthdays and Christmases whilst overseas as he didnt have a choice. If he had the choice hands down I know he would have been there for his family.

I am actually quite angry after reading this thread and having posted on the Rome subject myself that defence is giving people this option. I hadnt really thought the impact it may have on families where the DH or DP chooses to take the Rome option. The point of ROCL is to go home and spend time with loved ones. I hadnt even considered that anyone would take the Rome option if it meant they would be leaving out their partners and children too.

ROCL is just as important for the people at home as it is the member. Six months plus is a long time to be without the one you love, nine months was the longest I did. The ROCL gave us a chance as a couple to touch base, if we didnt have that I would have felt like come home coming time I had pretty much someone who was nearly a stranger returning home to me. And I know my DP feels guilt at missing birthdays, anniversaries, special days etc. But the point is he doesnt choose too.

ROCL is a chance for the kids particularly at that age too, to reconnect and refamiliarise themself with the departed parent. I would be upset but boy I would be ****ed. The trouble is if you act ****ed that wont achieve much.

Paerhaps try contacting DCO for some advice. It is just unfathomable to me that your DP wouldnt want to come home and see you both. Perhaps you can assure him if he comes home for ROCL you will still give him his breathing space etc, so he has time to reflect on the deployment thus far and what lays ahead.

MY DP and I almost split several times upon his return from Timor after each deployment. IT is hard, Timor had unsanitary, inhumane conditions, he witnessed first hand hunger, starvation, attacks, the massacre site, poverty. It was hard and it was a very big adjustment when he returned and he was affected by depression for some time.

Having had some briefings on his upcoming Afghan trip I know we are in for a whole new set of trials psychologically upon his return. Were you given any info on some of the common things or reactions to Afghanistan might be? Perhaps it has had a negative affect on him and he needs to deal, or perhaps he just wants a responsibility free trip to Rome with the boys.

Im peeved now cause bugger Defence for putting families in this situation.

hugs, I dont know what to offer other then a call to DCO and perhaps a long letter to your DP stating your case. He will regret missing bubs 1st birthday though, you cant get that back ever!

[Wish_Bear]

I would be really hurt and sooo angry. DH has been away for a lot of b'days etc and it sucks. I can't believe he chose to go to Rome with his mates. The defence breed them into something entirely different from what we sent them away as. He needs to know you feel upset and try and rectify it, not avoid the issue.

I have been in some situations similar and it hurts hey! I can understand you thinking it may end your relationship. I have to say I would be thinking the same thing. Being a defence spouse is soo hard and then when they are away they become these different people because they are with their mates.

You are so justified in your reaction and do not let him make you feel bad for wanting him home.

:hugs: to you hon.

[sharvs]

I thought about talking to the DCO but they are there to represent the serving member. Most people I know of that have dealt with the DCO say they really only see it from the members point of view.

I thought I knew him, I dont think I do. He thinks I am over-reacting and need to be more flexible. I've given up everything for him in the last 6 years. I didnt think it was too much to ask him to be here when he could. I never once asked him not to go away, because I knew this trip was what he wanted.

Here_we_go, we didnt get any briefings here - the unit DF has gone over with is based in Darwin (we are in Brisbane) so they sort of forgot about us back here. Everything was done up there. We were told that if we wanted to attend briefings etc, we would have to go to Darwin.

He says the only reason he doesnt want to come home is because of the time it will take to travel here, and i understand that but we are his family.... arent you meant to make these sacrifices for the ones you love? As far as I know, every other married member in his platoon are coming home, its only the single guys going to Rome. I'm worried that I'll never be able to forgive him for not being here.

I have to be careful how I handle this. If I keep hounding him he will just stop contacting me all together but on the other hand, I am sick of always having to keep my mouth shut because he is over there & I dont know what its like - thats true, but he also doesnt know what its like to be left behind, clinging to ROCL only to have it taken away..

[tootiredtosleep]

I'd be mad. He actually has a choice this time! He can't blame work.
I think that it would end my relationship if we were in that situation.
Ask him to call you. If he is that sure about his decision then he should be able to tell you straight over the phone. Its the least that he can do.
You could always threaten to call his co and say you think he has completely lost it (he just might have). This never fails to work on my DH (when he's at home anyway).
Theres nothing like a ranting, raving army wife to embarass him! Everyone always finds out you've called!

[Wish_Bear]

Sharvs, I have been thinking about you a lot this past few days and hope you are ok. Has your DF changed his mind? Is he coming home?? How are you feeling? How long is his ROCL (what does that mean)? IS it only 1 week? Is that his issue..not that it's an excuse. If he was having trouble with everything going on over there, you would think he would want to get away from it all and spend time with those he loves most to clear his mind.

Just wanted to check in and make sure you were ok.

PM me anytime ok.

Hugs to you:hugs:

[MilkOnTap]

Sharon - I only just saw this thread and I have to say that I'm shocked your DF isn't coming home :no: While he might think that drinking in Rome will help him psychologically overcome whatever he has to deal with, family should always be number one priority.

I really dont know what to say - or do - or suggest. All I can do is say that if you want to vent, whinge or complain you have my msn.

Big hugs to you :hugs:
Ally

[sharvs]

Thanks guys.

Well I sent him another email yesterday, telling him he's hurt me & it really means alot to me to come home & put family first when he has the opportunity. I havent heard back from him. We actually havent spoken since he decided to go to Rome, everything has been done via email. He wont ring me because he knows I'm upset. His dad rang me last night & he agreed with me that he should be here. He is going to carefully bring up the topic if DF rings him.

Tarynduggan, his ROCL is approx 14 days & I'm pretty sure that doesnt include travelling. The only reason he has given me is that he doesnt want to travel here for such a short period of time. He just wants to go away and relax - as if that is what he is going to do when he is in another country with a group of young, single men that havent had a drop of alchol in 3 months!

I'm still really upset but there is nothing I can do. I have to wait until he contacts me, but I'm even worried about that because I dont want it to end in a fight. Ultimately he will do what he wants & I just have to live with it.

[ConcernedParent]

Hi there,
I don't know how long your man has been away and I could be speaking out of school here but I think it is early days yet for this rotation. They are probably still a litle excited about the opportunity to test out their skills and are enjoying the new things everyday, including meeting new people.
I would say, give them some time to get over it and for the daily grind to set in. It will not be as glamourous as they think. As the stresses and strains of the rotation wear on them they will eventually bore of the same old thing and the same old people. In no time they will begin to think of home and all the good things that await their return.
A lot of people say they will go to Rome at first. And why not? It sounds so exciting!! BUT.. the majority end up coming home, even the singlies.
I know it feels like a kick in the bum to you. You are holding the fort, looking after home and kids etc and feel really undervalued by his remarks. However, you really do hold all the cards, because at the end of the day home is where the heart is.
If your relationship is solid, he will be missing you and the little one/s in no time. So disregard what he has said for now, work on keeping things strong, give him the opportunity to miss you and look forward to seeing you. You just might find that he can't get home fast enough.
(((hugs))).

[sharvs]

It looks as though I cant change DF's mind. He is really excited about going to Europe. He says he is going to Berlin, Prague & Rome & he cant wait. I've told him that I am devestated & dont know how I can move on from this but it hasnt made a difference. Whats the point in me being angry at him? Its not going to change anything. Who am I to stop him from doing what he wants to do?

[Wish_Bear]

Sharvs...I am sorry to hear he has really made up his mind. It really isn't up to you to change his mind...he should never have made the decision in the first place!! You are waiting at home for him (thats what we defence spouses do) caring for your goregeous bubba and he chooses instead to go ****ing up with his mates at a time like Christmas! Cop out...he needs to put his family first and realise that you are making sacrifices too. You have stuff to deal with too.

Hope something changes hun...:hugs:

[MilkOnTap]

He is also in an open warfare situation and maybe just needs a break from responsibility? Not that you get a break...

One of the reasons why my hubby chose to join the navy is because he wanted to travel. Perhaps he feels that this is his one and only chance to see these beautiful places in the world?

Is there still absolutely no way that you could meet him there? Perhaps put it to him that if he stays then you meet him - but if you cant meet him then he has to come home... Would that work?

[SilverStarfish]

Who am I to stop him from doing what he wants to do?

Umm... only his WIFE!!! And mother of his child.

You are a lot more understanding and patient that I would be in your situation. :hugs:

[sharvs]

You are a lot more understanding and patient that I would be in your situation. :hugs:

I just dont see what good it will do, yelling & screaming at him. All its going to do is give him more of a reason not to come home. I've tried telling him how I feel & it hasnt worked so what are my options? Accept it or be bitter for the next 6 months.

Ally, I sent him an email earlier asking why he hasnt asked me to come & meet him. I dont know what his response will be, but I really think he just wants to go away with his mates & play up.

I think you are right, he wants a break from responsibility - not to come home to a crying baby that needs him - but its not all about him anymore, thats the part he fails to understand.

[MilkOnTap]

What kind of relationship do you have with his parents? I dont want to push the boundaries TOO far; but would a sob to his folks and then THEM telling him to get home to his family over Christmas...

Maybe that is using a bit too much emotional blackmail though - and I understand that you dont really want him around if his heart isn't in it in the first place.

[sharvs]

I get on really well with his dad (he doesnt know his mother). I spoke to his dad about it the other night & he agrees that he should be here with us. The problem is, a couple of years ago DF & I were having some problems. I went to FIL for help, and he spoke to DF. DF & his dad had a huge fight over it & didnt speak to each other for a year. They have only recently mended things, I dont want to be the one to come between it. In saying all of that, my FIL said he will speak to DF about it next time he rings & tell him he really should be home with his family. I dont know if it will do any good, but its worth a shot.

I cant threaten to leave him... He is in a bad place, dealing with stuff most of us can never imagine. I think it would be incredibly selfish of me to tell him I wont be here when he gets back, even though thats exactly what he is being, selfish. A deployment is so emotional for both parties, I cant make such a decision when our lives are so up & down at the moment.

[M O P]

Oh Sharon, I've been thinking of you over the past few days, without posting.
:hugs: I really hope he comes home, for everyone's sake.
It must be so hard, I can't begin to imagine, not being able to sit down properly and discuss things.
:fingerscrossed: it all turns out well!

[SilverStarfish]

I just dont see what good it will do, yelling & screaming at him. All its going to do is give him more of a reason not to come home.

I guess you are right. If he's made up his mind, then he's made up his mind. :(

It's horrible of me, but a tiny tiny part of me hopes he gets a huge attack of the guilts when he comes back to see photos of you and your baby having Christmas without him and he realises the very special time that he chose not to be a part of.

[littleboyblue]

"If you choose Europe with your mates over Christmas at home with your family then when deployment is finished don't bother coming home because we won't be around to welcome you" (Forgot to hit the quote button when replied)

Although I would be very angry and upset that my husband would not be coming home to me this is not the thing to say to him not while he is in a war zone and so many emotions going through his head.

[MilkOnTap]

Ohh - I can certainly understand the FIL situation. It sounds to me as though you are thinking very rationally through all of this - you are certainly the most unselfish person I know! :yes:

Well - whatever ends up happening please know that I am here to chat with, lean on or just cry on over the next few months :hugs:

[sharvs]

It sounds to me as though you are thinking very rationally through all of this - you are certainly the most unselfish person I know! :yes:

:

Thanks Ally - I'm trying. DF had the nerve to tell ME I had to be more flexible! Hello? I've been nothing but flexible our entire relationship... grrr

[MilkOnTap]

Yerrr - I hate that line. I'm forever reminding hubby of all the thing that I gave up so that I could be with him (career + promotion; family; friends; great home; awesome lifestyle; the lot.)

Fortunately he understands :o

[here_we_go]

? ????????

[sharvs]

Sorry he wont come around, but I am guessing he will go and you will stand by your man and be the bigger person and he will feel guilty as well he should.

Hugs:hugs:

Its so true, the ones left behind are the ones that deserve the medal & the parade. No doubting they do it tough but damn so do we.....

Thanks for that, I might just take you up on that offer

[here_we_go]

????

[sharvs]

DF & I have spoken twice since the whole ROCL thing came up, but neither of us has bought it up. I dont want to fight with him when phone calls are so rare as it is.

I'm accepting the fact that he isnt coming home & even starting to see it from his point of view. It is a great opportunity for him, he may never get the chance to go to Europe again.

He sent me a little suprise yesterday, 12 long stem roses - and it isnt even my birthday! They are beautiful. Even though he can be an a**hole sometimes, he really does love me. He isnt completley off the hook yet, but it was a lovely thing for him to do.

[here_we_go]

How are things between you and your DH now Sharon?

[sharvs]

We havent spoken since. Hes sent me a few emails but he wont bring up ROCL at all, even when I ask him questions. He did sent an email to a friend of ours saying he is going to Europe for 2 weeks & how excited he is.

I'm not doing that well. I cant get over it, i thought I would just be able to accept it and move on but I cant. I'm having alot of second thoughts about our relationship. It hurts me so much that he doesnt want to be here to see his son. I dont know what to do. Everyone i speak to tells me not to go on about it to him, because it will only make it worse & how I dont understand what its like over there. Both good points but I'm sick of having to be miserable just so he is happy.

I'm at a complete loss.... I just cant get over it, no matter how hard I try.

[here_we_go]

??????????

[sharvs]

DF just rang me, first time in over a week. He said he rang his dad & his dad gave him a hard time about not coming home for ROCL. DF said to me "he can get f**ked. I'm sick of people telling me what to do. I'm not going to ring him anymore".

I didnt say anything. I'm so miserable. I'm starting to think I need to talk to someone. I really dont know if I want to be with him. The problem is we cant talk properly. This phone call was all of 5 minutes & he said he wont be able to ring for quite a while now. I dont want to waste the next 6 months of my life sitting here, being so unhappy.... but i dont want to make a life changing move given the current circumstances.

I can tell DF hates ringing me because he's worried what sort of reaction he will get from me. I havent yelled at him, I'm just a bit quiet - I'm too hurt to pretend I'm ok. I love him with all my heart but I'm not going to sacrifice my happiness or the happiness of my son.

[M O P]

:hugs: Sharvs it must be soo hard :hugs:
you gotta talk to someone