View Full Version : Should I follow my heart or my head?
I am 39 and have a great life with a good husband, nice house and two beautiful healthy children, a boy and a girl. I should just sit back and enjoy life, however I would dearly love to have another baby.
My DH is not keen, but is starting to weaken, so I feel that I could talk him into it. We have debated the issue for awhile now and I am aware of the pros and mostly cons. Logically, I would be mad to rock the boat and have another. DH greatest concern is the risk associated with having a baby at my age. The OB says that the only risk that increases with age is Down Syndrome. My DH says that he couldn't cope with a child that had a major disability and doesn't believe that when push came to shove that I would terminate. He feels that we have been so blessed that it is tempting fate to have anymore, but then he has never been the adventurous type. He likes life to be neat and tidy.
I tell myself on a daily basis, to be happy with what I've got and to move on, but I feel it in my bones. Despite all the negatives I still want another baby. I feel that I will regret it if I don't, but I know that our quality of life(ie more time for the children I already have, more money, less stress) will be better if I don't. Everyone that I have spoken to says you have one of each, you are so lucky, don't spoil things, you need to get over it.
How do I make this decision? Should I follow my heart and have another or should I follow my head and take the easier road? Why don't I feel contented? Is it hormones/maternal instinct? Will I be able to get over it?
I am interested in hearing your thoughts.
That's a hard one to Answer , well later in life you might regret that you did not have another baby , I would follow your heart :D
I think you should follow your head.
I am a heart thinker too, but I seriously suggest going with your head.
Mothers always get this way at stages in their lives i think you should ignore it and concentrate on the great life you have now.
FOLLOW YOUR HEAD!!
Good luck with your decision, it can't be easy when your partner is not as keen as you. I would follow your heart, with some input from the head! Personally if in this situation, I would get all the tests, & be willing to terminate if anything was wrong, as that might make dh feel more comfortable with the whole thing. Chances are nothing will be wrong, & you will have a beautiful new baby to complete the family.
Hope this helps, I know it is all easier said than done :yes:
Good luck with your decision.:fingerscrossed:
Me and Hubby are ttc #5 right now and that was my "head or heart" decision. I chose my heart, because I know deep down inside I would regret not having another one so much! I feel like someone is missing, which is I guess the way you feel atm!
The only child you regret, is the one you never had!!!!!
I know exactly how you feel. My head is telling me I've got a perfectly healthy little girl and a perfectly healthy little boy. What do I want another child for? The world is set up for people with two kids and we like nice holidays and private schooling and expensive things like that. The thing is, I feel like there's this little person calling out to me saying, 'Why don't you love me Mummy?!'. Tragic, huh?! The weird thing is, I know I should just wait a couple of years and then try, but I can't stop thinking about it (and my boy is only 11 weeks!!!). I know that if we tried and we didn't conceive that I wouldn't be overly upset about it and we wouldn't try IVF, or any fertility treatments, or anything like that. Gah! I have no idea what to do either...
A friend of mine is in the same situation as you. She wants a third but hubby does not. She has one of each and knows she should be happy and she is (like you I'm sure) but she just has a feeling in her bones that she wants another baby. It will not go away no matter what she tries. There is no point me saying yay or nay but I'm usually a pessimist so I would have to say go with your head....sorry:(
Hey I've got 5 healthy children already and my heart still tells me I want just one more, even though it's tempting fate with my blood antibodies.
I just can't shake the feeling of just one more!
I honestly beleive I will follow my heart, and beleive me I will cop allot of flack from family and my OB, but it's my life and I need to do what I feel is right for me and my family
Personally I would go with my heart. Two children is not a lot. Maybe if you had eight and you wanted to try for a ninth... but this is only a third. Also, let say you didn't have a girl and a boy, but had two of the same. Then would you be trying again?
But as long as your DH does come around though. You don't want him to be unhappy and feel pressured into it or he'll probably be very bitter when it comes to midnight feeds and all the attention the new bub would get.
I'd say follow your heart. I'm sitting here nursing my 'follow your heart baby' while my 2 older kids are at school. He is the most divine little thing. I wondered too if I shouldn't just be happy with the two I had and dh took A LOT of convincing to have a third. I just knew I wouldn't feel complete if we stopped at two.
As it turned out he took 3 yrs to concieve so the age gap is huge but he fits in perfectly.
I am in exactly the same position as you. My DH initially thought I was joking when I mentioned a third and when he realised I was serious, his first response was "no". Now we are stuck on the fence as he kind of wants me to convince him it's a good idea, but I want him to want it for himself so I don't always worry that he will regret it. Then he says if we had more money and more space, he wouldn't hesitate.
So without the benefit of time (i.e age 38) to wait and see if this need for another will pass, how do we decide?? I really feel as though I will regret it if we don't, but I also know that it will put a financial strain on our family - though I think we could manage (just).
I really want to find the right answer soon as it's all I can think about.
I know this doesn't help you with your decision, but you're not alone!
Its a very interesting question that you have posed and its also very interesting the number of women that have said 'follow your heart' as opposed to 'follow your head'.
I would like to play devils advocate here and ask you a question that you have to answer honestly....you know...delve deep deep down and answer the question.
Why do you really want another baby?
Now I dont want an answer like 'I feel it in my bones' or I am not done yet' as I dont think that they are proper and complete answers.
Do you want another baby because deep deep down you want to stay at home as long as you can and caring for another baby will give you that? Or do you want another baby because you want another brother or sister for your kids and that three is a better number then two?
Of all the women that say that want another one they all answer with 'feelings' rather then real answers. Like your hubby being concerned about the risks of birth defects to not want another one....thats a real answer.
All I am saying is really think about it....you gave a lot of reasons why you shouldnt have another one and no reasons why you should. Maybe deep down you know you dont need to have another one but you have asked the question here because you are hoping that all the other women will convince you that its a good idea?
Please know tho that I am not trying to be mean or uncaring....just trying to give you a different view point to help you answer your question.
Good luck with your decision!
Hope this helps. I'm a firm believer in this. If you're asking this question you've already made your mind up and you're just looking for 1 person to absolutely agree with you. I do it all the time. Its like everything in life the only person who really has this answer is you. Good luck:fingerscrossed: :fingerscrossed:
Absolutely follow your heart! (with dh's blessing of course) At the end of your life will you look back and regret not having the extra money to buy an expensive handbag/another dress/bigger house/flasher car? Life isnt about things, it is about love and family. (says the stay at home mum scrapping iccy nappy's!) So long as you have the essentials in life (ie roof over head & food in the pantry) then dont worry about the material stuff people are getting so hung up on these days. LOL at the people who say you have one of each! One of each? One loud mouth and one quiet and sensitive? One tenacious & one retiring? One blonde and one brunette? One Boy one Girl? All children are different & a blessing because of that, it wouldnt matter if they where all girls or all boys- they would still each be "one of each" :-D My sister in law has just had her "follow your heart" baby last week (number 4!) and she is in the baby bliss bubble with her little angel Sophie - who is proving to be another of the "one of each"
Sorry for rambling guys :-) Just feel strongly about the whole do what you want to do & hang the expense when it comes to baby's! Have thrown work to the wayside- dont want to miss a minute of my DD :-) I will forgoe my shoe and handbag fetish- have found my calling in life!Also agree with mummy to a princess- you only have 2 now- not 8! :-)
chuckynic is so funny! you crack me up :-) I do it too!!! Nothing like asking the girls to be convinced of matters of the heart :-D
Go with your heart!!
3 is a much better number than 2
Oh mate:hugs: I could have written your post a few years ago.After my second DS, I still desperately wanted another baby but DH didn't and for a long few years, I thought I could live with that.
Hmmmm in my case :no: I honestly believe that women have a 'maternal instinct' that needs to be fulfilled and no matter what we do to fill the void,nothing works until we've had another baby IYKWIM.
I strongly suggest following your heart, LOL but I guess you probably realised that by now;)
Oh by the way, after alot of negotiating (and even a 'down-grading' of houses) I got to follow my heart and our little baby girl is about to turn 1 in less than 2wks and we couldn't be happier!
follow your heart, you might end up regretting your decsion if your worried about your age but really want a bub better to have it now then to wait a few more years and then realise you did want another
:hugs: goodluck with the decision hun
I have been doing lots of thinking and no matter how I try, the feeling of wanting to have another baby just won't go away. I don't think it ever will. It doesn't matter to me, how many logical reasons there are not to have another.
I think that the decision to have a baby is a decision made by the heart. It is all about love. You have a baby because you love your partner and because you will love the child. You love being pregnant even when you are sick and tired. You love the feeling of bringing home your baby for the first time and you love that child more than you could ever imagine, even when they keep you up all night.
So, if I can get DH to agree, then I will go ahead.
This is weighing in mine and my DH's mind.....
We are both very happy, have two healthy boys but in our hearts we still so want a little girl of our own....
Our heads on the other hand is telling us to look at costs of putting all our kids through school (we want to send them to a christian school) etc...
So for now we are letting our heads rule the decision.....
Just in answer to Michelle N, I think that feelings are just as valid as intellect, & I don't think that in this case men's reasons are necessarily based in reason rather than feelings.
I always wanted 3, DF only wanted 2, but eventually i convinced him that one more would be a good idea, and we just found out we are pregnant with #3 first month of trying, so it's too late to change his mind now.
I am very happy I followed my heart, i honestly feel incredibly happy that we are having just one more, and have no doubt that after this one i will feel our family is complete!
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