Over the top step daughter

[beesnees]

Hi All, I have a 13yr old step daughter and new bubba. She is with us every 2nd weekend. I am finding that SD is acting like the 'mummy'. She constantly follows me around, says the same things I say, is in bubbas face constantly. I know she is excited about bubba and is generally a pretty good kid but it's a bit full on! I am probably being a little protective but I don't allow her or any children to pick him up but she generally plays on the floor and gets a nurse. I found out the other day that when we had friends over and they were holdng bubba she was asking them to give bubba to her for a hold! I am finding myself wanting to be out when she is there. Has anyone else experienced this?

[mythreelittlemonkeys]

yup my DSD picked Matilda up when we werent in the room...I actually walked back in to find her walking about with her...but I blame myself for trusting a 9 year old in the room alone with her...she too is very mummy like - i actually find it sweet and I think it really normal...but I think clear boundaries need to be laid and what applies for your DSD must apply for any other teenagers that visit the house too...we made the mistake of letting Matildas cousin who is 14 hold her and I think that made my DSD jealous and so thats why she picked her up...WHy dont you let her hold your baby with you there to show her you trust her and then let her know it is only when you there as you are her mummy and only you and your husband and other adults can hold the baby...and find her another thing she can be responsible for...ie I now let my DSD change Matildas nappy (I watch) if it only wet...and unpack the nappies into the stacker...

[Mojogal]

That's really great advice mytillieroo. Letting the SD get involved in ways that you find appropriate for her age and showing her that she can be a part of bub's life but in an appropriate fashion is the way to go.

I was the older stepchild with a new baby sister once (although it was my mum and stepdad's bubba) and I too wanted to play mummy. My mum was keen to let me help out, but it was made very clear that the baby was never to be picked up without an adult present, just to be on the safe side. My mum did let me hold her as much as possible, but only when the timing was right ie: not picking her up to cuddle when she's happily sound asleep in her bassinet! And I was allowed sometimes to help out with a feed or nappy change, and was also given the washer to wash my little half-sis in the bath, while my mum held her.

All of this helped me to bond with my little sister, but also to learn what was appropriate and just who was the boss of the baby.

beesneesAs a 13 yr old, your SD is old enough to learn about what is appropriate. Maybe get her dad (or even better, if you do it together as a family, perhaps while she is having a nurse of the bub?) to have a heart to heart with her about boundaries and about how babies are very sensitive to stimulation and get upset so easily so it's important to ask you or her father first before handling the bub. Just explain it casually and let her ask questions if she has any, and not make a big deal out of it, as she will just take offense.
Her heart's in the right place, she just needs a little guidance, as she doesn't have much adult sense yet. I'm sure she would only want to please you, so as to get maximum contact with her new little sibling, so a clear explanation could really help. And it's probably only a phase - it was with me... the shiny new baby vibes wear off after a while and she should be a lot less full-on about it.

Good luck, sorry to ramble on so long.
Suze

[sarah81]

I have also been that Step-daughter in a new baby situation.

I adored the baby as previously I had been an only child and wanted to be involved. My dad and step-mum were very accomodating and always made me feel part of it. I think they did have rules about when bubs was sleeping ang picking baby up. But they never made me feel uncomfortable about them.

I was also very protective of my babies from everyone holding them. Not quite the same, as you are saying SD only. I found I had to let go of that feeling. While they are your precious baby, having other people to love and adore them is just as important. Holdinga baby really gives others a chance to bond. The relationship between your SD and DS could be a really precious one if she adores him so.

Sorry I guess I see this from the SD's view. It could be worse she could be rude and disinterested. Maybe set your boundaries with her and let her be involved to the extent you feel comfortable and she is not hurt. No help I know. Sorry i have rambled :o

Good luck :smiliedance:

[pegasus]

Hi beesnees

I also have a 13yo stepdaughter. I have found myself sometimes stepping in when I think she's trying too much to be mummy. Especially when my DS was born, she was wanting to change his nappies, get up to him in the middle of the night (for a point one night I left the monitor in her room, and proceeded to go in there, turn it off and go to him myself - she didn't wake to him) and wanting to dress them up, push prams etc.

I didn't want to alienate her (or my DSS) at anypoint and want to encourage bonding, but some of it is dangerous - (eg pushing the pram down the middle of the road, wanting to take DS in the pool without me or hubby), but I've found my DSD has a very strong pull to act mummy. (My sister found this when we turned round one day and found my niece missing - she was getting her nappy changed by my then, 9yo DSD, also when I ran a bath for DS, went off to get him and found DSD had already got him in there.)

I've found I had to establish boundaries from the start to say - some things are more mummy roles. She has plenty of time in the future to fit in her own mummy role. In the mean time I suggest the games she can play with my children, but I have to admit that I'm over protective about my kids around my step kids.

[InSaneOne]

i had a similar problem where my 2 dsd's are 13 and 14. my dd is now 15 months. in the beginning i didn't allow them to hold her without supervision. now all the step-kids get dd held out to them and told to hold your sister for a minute. (even the 11year-old dss) they will change a nappy if they have to - dsd - 13 loves to pick out her clothes and dress her and 13 and 14 love to have baths with their little sister. they all love to play ont he floor with her and dss 11 - often finds himself used as a climbing horse.

you need to set boundaries and let them do things with the new baby. even just letting them play on the floor - or get dsd to help make bubs food - or bottle. include them and they will feel important.

[defaipe]

hmm toughie.. i cant exactly comment on your situation coz i havent been there but i know when my oldest newphew was born i was only 8 and i was such a mini mummy.. followed my sister around everywhere i could and wanted to do everything for her baby boy. i always had cuddles when i saw him. supervised obviously..

actually my sis had her second when i was almost 12 and i pretty much ran a muck with him from day 1. i dont ever remember being told no. i just think you know whats appropriate and whats not.

obviously your dsd is so excited by her new brother and only seeing him every second weekend would be so hard! i can understand why she wants to hold him. 13 is definately old enough for a little responsibility i reckon.. (depending on what type of 13yr old she is ofcourse-but you didnt mention anything bad) and i can see why she was trying to get the other adults to pass bub to her. that way no one could be angry if he was given to her to hold.

as your son gets older you will love having her around to entertain him, i say get her used to it now hehe. she's more likely to watch him when he's a little monster if she forms that bond while he's little and gorgeous!! and not throwing toys at her head.:laughing:
goodluck!