Help me get used to the idea of only having one child

[nicole83]

Here is my story. We need to go through IVF to concieve and were lucky to get DD on our first cycle back in 2009. Since then we have had a failed FET and two failed full stim cycles. The last cylcle ended in an early M/C.

I am starting to think our TTC journey is over. IVF is absolutely draining. The medications make me crazy and it's such a strain on our family. Early morning appointments and loads of money going down the drain for a dream that I am not sure we will ever realise. For us, trying for number one was different. We had nothing else to focus or spend our money on, so we would have cycled endlessly until we got that BFP or until the doctor turned us away. Now we have DD I can see that it is money, emotions and time better spent elsewhere...towards her future, towards us getting a bigger house...being happier and not focusing on something that may never be.

I think I might have one cycle left in me, but I am still not sure. I want to give up but I am scared I will regret it. If I cycle again it won't be until the end of this year...

In the meantime I want to understand all the good things about having one child. I was brought up with 3 brothers to a mum that was an only child. She would constantly remind us how lucky we were to have each other because she had no one and such a terrible childhood blah blah. I think it's more to do with her mother (my grandmother) not being maternal, kind or caring rather than being an only child. But this has stuck with me all my life and I never ever imagined only having one child.

I am trying to think of the positives...

- only toilet training once
- family holidays each year
- only night waking for one child
- daycare fees for one child

I think it will help if anyone can share their story on why they stopped at one, especially people that thought they would or wanted to have more and are now happier than ever? I guess I just want to know that if DD is all that we get, that I will be at peace with that one day?

[shelle65]

:wave: I desperately wanted to have another child after DD, but her dad always said no way. Eventually our relationship ended anyway. Earlier this year I found out that, even if I do find a new partner, it is highly unlikely that I will be able to have any more children. I was devastated for a while, but now I am at peace with it, and looking forward to the future with just me and DD.

The things I am excited about are:

1. Being able to give DD all the experiences I want her to have - like when she wants to do dancing/music/sport/debating I can pay for it and drive her around without worrying about scheduling/affording it for another child. If she wants to go on an international student exchange or a school skiing trip or whatever, then she can.
2. Giving her a car when she turns 18 (silly I know, but the dramas that unfolded with me and my older brother sharing a car have scarred me for life).
3. Being able to travel and go on amazing adventures with her. Climbing mountains and going on safari with one child sounds exciting, with more than one sounds like a giant headache.
4. Not having to go through sleepless nights, daycare dramas, baby-proofing, toilet training, tantrums etc etc etc more than once. I am (mostly) done with all those things now :cheerleader1:

[nicole83]

Hi shelle, thanks for your response. I suppose it's hard because I have just gone through this m/c and all my emotions are still raw. I want to feel normal again. Today has been a bad day, keep crying for no reason. I want this whole ttc journey to be over but I am still hanging on by a thin thread, I can feel it when I start to think of "next cycle". I wish I was done and ok with it.

[jaesmummy]

Hi- Nicole, I'm a mum of seven - three of them under the age of four. Although you asked for other mums of single children to respond - I just can't resist. I'm so sorry that you're going through such a hard time at the moment and I hope you feel better soon.
I love having a big family, but I can also see the enormous benefits to having one or two children. Please don't think that I'm wishing that I didn't have my children - of course I love them and wouldn't "take back" my family for anything. But when I think about the things we could have done if I had chosen a different path - well, I'm drooling now... 1. I'd like to sleep for a period of more than 5 hours. 2. I'd like to go to the movies and not have to pay more than $70 just for food (not including tickets). 3. I'd like to have a holiday where I didn't have to book out an entire wing of rooms! 4. I'd like to shop without pushing a double pram, with another child walking holding the pram. 5. I'd like a small, economical vehicle. 6. I'd like to go to dinner at sizzler for under $200. 7. I'd like to have nasty, noisy sex with my husband without worrying that one of the children will hear us! 8. I'd like to visit family without having to take our own beds and JUST ONE SUITCASE! 9. I'd like to have less than 3 loads of washing /day. 10. I'd like to walk through the house without tripping over / stepping on a toy.
:D There's more of course, but I hope that helps a bit. We're all blessed with what we have. I have seven wonderful amazing children. You have one wonderful amazing child. Our situations may be vastly different, but we love what we have. ;)