Working Mum = GUILT

[daniela1980]

Hi Girls
Is it just me or am I the only one that feels guilty for working pretty much f/t and not being there all the time for my 21mnth DS.
I have been working p/t since he was 6mnths old and have always felt guilty for leaving him with his GM. Now that I am working 4 days a week, i feel more guilty and even a little jealous of his affection towards his GM/DF and when I get home he's like "yeh mums home, whatever..."
I try and leave as late as possible in the mornings, just so that I can see him wake up, and I rush home in peak hour traffic just so that I can spend some time with him when Im home, but I still feel like he has never been attached to me and I think its because Ive had to work from when he was 6mnths old. I also suffered PND, and I feel like this has also contributed to him not being so attached to me.
Does anyone else feel like this and how do you cope with your demanding schedule/life. I have a very strict routine and am almost a robot - cook/clean/work.... I also never have time for myself...if you saw my legs/toe nails ladies... you would be shocked... i dont make time for myself because every spare minute I have I spend time with DS.
Some work/life balance tips would be greatly appreciated!!!!!!!!!

Thanks ladies!

[Addison]

I have a 14 month old. I am now looking at returning to work full time. The way you feel is completely normal!!!! Mummy guilt is relentless isn't it. No matter what we do, we cant win. We will always feel guilt. You are working full time to provide your son with things in life that he could not have if you weren't. To me, that makes you a fantastic Mummy. Your son loves you and will one day be so proud f the sacrifices you made for him! I don't have a son your age yet , though I am sure they all react like that when we get home haha!

[WorkingClassMum]

After struggling for years and also fending off criticisms from many people (Why have kids if you're going to have someone else raise them blah blah), I worked hard to make sure I made all the time I have with my kids as quality time.

Yes, I worked all day, and then had to go home and still do all the housework, cooking, cleaning etc - but I included my kids in all the activities as much as possible. So shopping was spent talking about as much as possible, as well as squeezing in education (what country does that food come from, where do tomatoes come from, what shape is that box, what color is the pasta etc)

Trips in the car meant conversations with the kids, not music barring, but their music and talk about what they did that day, or what they'll do that day.

It has meant that I do stay up later than I'd like to do things like clothes washing late at tight so that a book got read or today's drawing was ohhh and ahhh over.

We also plan at least once a month that we do something like go to the museum, the pictures or the park and play with the kids (rather than the social chat with the other mummies).

Yes, my kids do go to bed later than most, and we do co sleep still sometimes, often MOTH camps on a Saturday night in the lounge with the kids, and we've sometimes camped in our own backyard (well I've been known to sneak inside after the kids are asleep...)

I know I'm kicking goals when I have other kids at school ask to come with us on another w/e adventure and even the other mums tell me I do more with my kids than they do ;)

Yes, I do answer emails when the kids are at dance classes etc, and I feel the balance isn't necessarily perfect yet. I do also very much enjoy the close camaraderie that my kids share with their GP's - I feel knowing your GP's really well is a beautiful gift.


Eta - apparently my kids are the only ones in their classes who've been to many of Melbourne's attractions as they have.

[Benji]

I felt bad at first when DS started child care so I could work but I was a single mum. We can listen to people argue day in and day out about day care and its supposed "negative effects" on kids but what isn't really debatable is the effect of poverty on children and this is what I was trying to escape.

Now that DS is in school it's 2 hours per day less that I spend with him than if I were a stay at home mum. I don't feel guilty for those 2 hours because when we do spend time together it's quality and it's enjoyable.

People have criticised me, but the only reason I can think of that they would criticise me is for some kind of underlying guilt about their own situation because most mothers I know whether they work at home (as in stay at home mothering) or outside do the best they can. Still waiting for the day my son's father is called a "working dad" and cops criticism for not spending every waking moment on DS :rolleyes:

[daniela1980]

Thank you Addison, it is really hard trying to strike a work/life balance, however, I do really believe that I am providing a better quality of life by working and bring in the extra $$$. I myself feel a little more independant that I now have my own $$ and dont have to rely on the DH. Sometimes I really do feel the pressure of the whole, work/home/cooking/cleaning etc.. but ive just recently started doing a little exercise and hope that this will ease the stress on my body by getting some of those endorphins! Thank you for your reply and its good to hear that Im not the only mum feeling this way. :)

[daniela1980]

Hi Benji
Yes, i believe some parents do have a negative mindset about child care, i personally believe that child care is great for kids and helps them to socialise and interact with others their own age. I did try to take my son to childcare, i actually even enrolled him with Wallaby Childcare, but on the day he cried and screamed as I was walking away and after 10 min i went back to see how he was and he was still screaming, ive never seen him like that, so I thought that maybe he isnt ready yet to go.....I'll have to try again, maybe after his 2nd birthday in July, for now he is with his grandparents!

Good on you though for being a single mum and doing the best you can, dont listen to anyones criticism, you do what is right for you and your child.

[bumMum]

Yep oh the guilt. I'll agree with anyone who says childcare is not "
Ideal".. but.. At the end of the day, money is a necessity. Yes there will always be that woman who says her and her any number of children survive off their husbands small wage as a truck driver and they just live incredibly frugally and don't eat take away.. and its all possible because if you really want to raise your children yourself you will find a way.. which will make you feel like the most materialistic heartless *****.. but we crunched the.numbers over and over and yes you can survive off one small wage but you can't come up with all the bits and peices along the way.. for us.. an immediate 2 grand for surgery your child needs (no you can not always rely on public healthcare) you can not afford to travel to see an elderly grandparent before they die or when your car suddenly costs several grand in repairs its hard to find when you only have enough to survive. But even worse than the stress from that is the stress of a week where you can't afford groceries!! Or the gas company threatens to cut you off.. and you are faced with the choice of gas or petrol for the car.. and if you don't get petrol nobody is going to work.. this is reality when you have one small wage and a family.. and if you ask me.. children do well when you do your best for them.. whether that is staying home or going to work. It's your intention and the fact that you love your kids and would do anything for them. Like working class mum I agree with taking every opportunity for quality time that you can. Shopping trips and tucking them in at bedtime.. helping with dinner.. rides in the car.. cleaning the house.. bath Time.. I feel so much less guilty than I used to

Sent from my HTC Desire S using BubHub

[futureherder]

I totally understand what you are saying. I returned to f/t work when DD was 7 months old :( I always felt a very strong bond with her though I never really thought she had it with me. TBH if I walked away from her now in 10 years time she wouldn't remember me but if I lost her now I would remember her for the rest of her life so I have come to terms with the fact that she will bond more with those she is with most of the time, it is how she is programmed it is survival but I dont take it personally.
I try to be the best mum I can be in the situation I am in. I cant be home with her for another 12 months at least and by then she will be 4 and I have lost a lot of quality time but the bonus is, she is mine for life and I know I will more then make up for it.
I miss her every second of everday, I just want to be with her. Working f/t is horribale because what little time I do have at home I am generally cleaning and she is stuck in front of the TV or playing by herself :( as DP is generally working when I am home with DD.
All I can do is enjoy every little minute I have with her, love her, be honest with her and let her be who she is. Our bond is forever.

[bumMum]

I totally understand what you are saying. I returned to f/t work when DD was 7 months old :( I always felt a very strong bond with her though I never really thought she had it with me. TBH if I walked away from her now in 10 years time she wouldn't remember me but if I lost her now I would remember her for the rest of her life so I have come to terms with the fact that she will bond more with those she is with most of the time, it is how she is programmed it is survival but I dont take it personally.
I try to be the best mum I can be in the situation I am in. I cant be home with her for another 12 months at least and by then she will be 4 and I have lost a lot of quality time but the bonus is, she is mine for life and I know I will more then make up for it.
I miss her every second of everday, I just want to be with her. Working f/t is horribale because what little time I do have at home I am generally cleaning and she is stuck in front of the TV or playing by herself :( as DP is generally working when I am home with DD.
All I can do is enjoy every little minute I have with her, love her, be honest with her and let her be who she is. Our bond is forever.

Futureherder you should be kinder to yourself. I'll let you know my mum returned to work when I was ten months old and my dad and grandma took me. I am in no way closer to them than my mum. My mum is my absolute rock and tbh I really don't like my gran but I'm sure she was good with babies.. I respect my mum so Much for doing what had to be done. Your daughter will grow up and thank you one day I'm sure!

Sent from my HTC Desire S using BubHub

[kw123]

My mum worked like a dog while I was growing up, esp when she became a single mother. Although I remember it upsetting me from time to time as a child I have nothing but absolute respect and admiration for what she did for us. We never went without (although I'm sure she did) and she is the best person I know. Even when things got easier and she no longer had to work quite so long and hard, she still had a fairly demanding job (and had become a workaholic!). It's part of who she is and I love her for it, not in spite of it.

I'm sure I will feel guilt when I leave my 11 month old to go back to work 4 days a week for us but I know it is best for our family and will remember how I feel about my mum and just hope my kids will feel the same end day!

[daysta112]

I think the question is: do you feel your doing the right thing for your family. Is it possible to work from home at all?
Being a sahm works for me but we do struggle with money. Also my ds couldn't careless about where I am it's all about grandma and grandad. It's probably an age thing.
The beautiful thing About children is that they will love you no matter what just do your best.

[Uh-Oh]

Hi Girls
Is it just me or am I the only one that feels guilty for working pretty much f/t and not being there all the time for my 21mnth DS.
I have been working p/t since he was 6mnths old and have always felt guilty for leaving him with his GM. Now that I am working 4 days a week, i feel more guilty and even a little jealous of his affection towards his GM/DF and when I get home he's like "yeh mums home, whatever..."
I try and leave as late as possible in the mornings, just so that I can see him wake up, and I rush home in peak hour traffic just so that I can spend some time with him when Im home, but I still feel like he has never been attached to me and I think its because Ive had to work from when he was 6mnths old. I also suffered PND, and I feel like this has also contributed to him not being so attached to me.
Does anyone else feel like this and how do you cope with your demanding schedule/life. I have a very strict routine and am almost a robot - cook/clean/work.... I also never have time for myself...if you saw my legs/toe nails ladies... you would be shocked... i dont make time for myself because every spare minute I have I spend time with DS.
Some work/life balance tips would be greatly appreciated!!!!!!!!!

Thanks ladies!

Daniela I just want to give you HUGE hugs! Parts of this I could of written word for word! My son is also 21 months old, and has been in fulltime daycare since I went back to work ft at 7 months.

I have my good and bad days, today is one of those bad days (I must say the good days out number the bad by far but the bad guilt/bad mum days suck big time!).

Like you I have a very strict routine, which DH is also part of lol. But some days I just need to accept then whilst i SHOULD sweep the floor once DS has gone to bed, and that washing does NEED to be hung out. It can wait. Sometimes 'me' time is as simple as lying on the couch watching the voice with a crunchie icecream.

I avoid most daycare threads. Unless ones like this with similar situations. I hate feeling feeling judged, I already feel bad enough some days. This is my issue, not others, so rather than get upset I avoid! lol. Someone once told me tha I am simpply paying for someone to raise my child. I cried for days. Rather than that happen again I avoid conversations that may lead into it!

I remember why I am doing it, DH & I are committed to giving our family the best life we can. For us that means purchasing our own house. For me that I have to work fulltime to save what we can. I am lucky that I have a good job, and working fulltime and paying our daycare bill still makes me working worthwhile. Dreaming of paint colours and kitchens is enough to get me thru somedays! lol!

We make sure we do something all together on the weekend. I may not has as much quantity time with DS but I make sure all the time I get is quality.

I am very invovled with DS's carers at the centre, we have chats about everything from holidays to receipes. Just makes me feel better. Dunno why! lol!

And finally, I can see the end insight. I am going on mat leave again in October with #2 and will have 14months off this time and hope to return to work 4 days a week, working from home for one of those. So only having ds and new bub in daycare 3 days a week.

I hope you find some balance! its not easy, and i've learnt to allow myself some leeway, I have an extrememly supportive partner so together we have worked out whats best for us :-)

[futureherder]

Goodness I dont want you guys to think that in anyway I was implying that my DD thinks less of me because I work. To be honest I dont think she has the ability to think less of me if you know what I mean. I know she knows I am her mummy and would want me to be replaced with anyone but I guess I just put it in to perspective :)

[Milly Molly Mandy]

OP I just wanted to add that mothers guilt is something we probably all feel. Well I do and I am a SAHM.

I feel guilty that maybe DD is not getting enough socialization.
I feel guilty that we can't take her on holidays or expensive outings as we are struggling on 1 wage.
I feel guilty that her peers in daycare are already toilet trained ( daycare apparently helps a lot with TT)
I feel guilty that she might not see me as a productive respectable member of society
I feel guilty that in the day to day grind / housework i don't teach her enough or play the right games.

Anyway I'm not being a sook I'm just highlighting that maybe it's human nature to look at any situation you are in and focus on the negatives. And be too hard on ourselves when we are just doing what feels right and it's the best we can do at that time.

Guilt is something everyone feels at some time and try not to be too hard on yourself you sound like a wonderful mum :)

[daniela1980]

You sound like me Milly Molly, definitely mothers guilt can be felt in all aspects of motherhood whether your a working mum or sahm!

I too was in your position at one stage when DS was little, struggling financially is very hard to cope with especially when your on 1 wage, and society is very materialistic so I would worry all the time whether DS had enough toys to play with, if he had enough play time etc.. Now I'm also worrying about how to discipline him as he has hit the terrible two stage early!!! You are a great mum too lovely :)

[daniela1980]

I totally understand what you are saying. I returned to f/t work when DD was 7 months old :( I always felt a very strong bond with her though I never really thought she had it with me. TBH if I walked away from her now in 10 years time she wouldn't remember me but if I lost her now I would remember her for the rest of her life so I have come to terms with the fact that she will bond more with those she is with most of the time, it is how she is programmed it is survival but I dont take it personally.
I try to be the best mum I can be in the situation I am in. I cant be home with her for another 12 months at least and by then she will be 4 and I have lost a lot of quality time but the bonus is, she is mine for life and I know I will more then make up for it.
I miss her every second of everday, I just want to be with her. Working f/t is horribale because what little time I do have at home I am generally cleaning and she is stuck in front of the TV or playing by herself :( as DP is generally working when I am home with DD.
All I can do is enjoy every little minute I have with her, love her, be honest with her and let her be who she is. Our bond is forever.

You have brought tears to my eyes because I feel the same way. My heart bleeds for my son so when I don't get the affection I sometimes crave I feel really disheartened but I know he doesn't understand and he just wants to play like 24/7.... I'm gustapo always making him do things he hates!!! Lol. You are a great mum lovely, and I'm sure your baby loves you more than you know as I know mine does! :)

[futureherder]

You have brought tears to my eyes because I feel the same way. My heart bleeds for my son so when I don't get the affection I sometimes crave I feel really disheartened but I know he doesn't understand and he just wants to play like 24/7.... I'm gustapo always making him do things he hates!!! Lol. You are a great mum lovely, and I'm sure your baby loves you more than you know as I know mine does! :)

Oh hun dont cry it can be so hard sometimes :( I know I am doing what I have to do (working) but sometimes I wonder what I am doing it for...I worry that I might lose her and regret working so we could have 'things' granted some of those things are a roof over head and food on our table. I cant live everday as if it was my last though.

I was miserable 24/7 12 months ago until it was finally decided that I would leave work and be a SAHM. We set out everything we had to do to make it happen, those things have included moving, DP going back to school so he can be make more money, I knew it was going to take 12-24 months but I am nealry there. I will be home with my baby soon and that is all I can do.

[soccer mum]

Hi ladies, I just came into this thread to give all you working mummies a big hug (it wont let me do the icon for some reason). I can relate to a lot of what you are saying, I am working full time and my job is sometimes demanding, as is DHs and he studies as well so we are busy. I want to be careful about how I say this because I dont mean to sound like Im bragging but I just wanted to say you definately CAN have a great relationship with you LO even if you work full time. It is very hard work and you dont get much time to yourself. But if you put the effort in to spend the quality time with your kids as you are all doing, you will be rewarded by building a great relationship,

I second what a PP said about getting involved with childcare as much as you can (or grandparent as the case may be) - talk to them about what your LO did that they, who they played with, what they ate, what words they said, etc. And remember when people make silly comments that the quality of childcare has improved SO MUCH over the last few years with better ratios, stricter rules on what they eat, hygiene, documentation, everything really. I do really trust childcare, she has stable carers and that helps, sometimes I get my friends to drop in unannounced to check that DD is happy and she always has been, I am lucky she is a very social little thing but it helps me a lot to know that she is enjoying her day and not sitting in a corner crying!
Agree with PP that sometimes you need to look after you rather than sweep the floor! We also invested in a freezer, a dishwasher and a slow cooker, and we set the washing machine so its ready to hang when we come home, stuff like that. Another thing that helps me is I have friends come over to our place for a coffee rather than going to a cafe etc, usually they will hug and play with DD which gives me a few minutes to put the dishes on etc, trying not to be rude to my friend of course.
But dont be too hard on yourselves and remember its hard but you are all doing great xxx

[MammaFia]

All normal feelings!

I am mamma to a 15 month old DD. I started uni this year and felt some terrible guilt at first I have PND (I am just about to start weaning off meds for it) and I was petrified of daycare because I just didn't think it would be good for her after a few weeks though I realised she was learning so much from there and she is such a social little girl she loves school days! I can not drop her off though because it just breaks my heart :( I do get a little jealous that the ladies at daycare also get her affections but I am her mummy and no one can replace me. I now work 2 days a week too and she is about to pick up a 3rd day at daycare which I have very mixed feelings about... but I feel that I need to contribute to the family financially... I dont know why I feel that way but I do... I feel like even though I am raising our DD and thats a huge contribution that wsechave to make a few sacrifices lifestyle wise because I wasn't working so getting a job and working has actually been great for me because I feel better about myself and feel like I am helping to provide for my family... I hope that makes some sort of sense... at the end of the day you do what you gotta do...

[Izy]

To be honest I look at time without my son as my sanity.
I need the time out in order to attempt to be more present when I'm actually around him.

It doesn't matter if you're physically there all day, every day. If you're not emotionally there with them it doesn't really count.

In the mean time how AWESOME are you to be giving your child an opportunity to have such a strong and loving relationship with their GM:highfive:

[MummyBic]

Really well said Izy!!

[alufolie]

Hi OP, *hugs* i know exactly how you feel!

I had an unplanned surprise baby and financially i knew i had to go back to work quite early. i was planning on going back to work part time however my employer terminated my flexible work agreement after only a few weeks & now i work full-time - i started when LO was nearly 4 months.


my LO is in daycare for 4 days a week and 1 day with her nanna on Mondays who looks after her at our place.


i too feel extremely guilty - i am devastated that i can't attend my local mummies group anymore during the week ... i used to love my online mummies group and loved the support - but i now feel this strange pang of jealously that they're at home posting about the time they spend with their bubbas all day, seeing them develop and grow whereas i'm probably going to miss these milestones because i'm not there. i feel it's pretty grim that i can't give her the love and attention that i just WANT to give her.


i do have a pretty strict schedule, i find though if i don't stick to it during the week, i become pretty disorganised and everything falls apart. so i find robot mode works for me ;)


a few things that helps me is:


every second/third sunday i make pies / pasta bakes etc and freeze them. i'll pump out about 8-12. so when i come home after daycare with LO - I spend two hours with her without worrying about dinner, i just pop it in the oven.


i hire a cleaner to come for 3 hours every friday she does general cleaning but she does the washing & hangs it out before she leaves so the only chore i do is get the washing off the line or out of the dryer.


since dinner is organised and no cleaning to be done, we make sure that the weekend is all about LO and we spend lots of quality time with her.


sometimes of course i need to have some me time. so every 4 weeks i DO get my hair done after work and i organise someone else to pick her up from daycare, or i go out on sunday afternoon to get my nails done or to do some shopping. i also go to the gym at 6am on saturdays & home by 8am, so i still have the day ahead. i think there still needs to be a balance, otherwise i don't feel great about myself.



all the best :hugs:

[daniela1980]

Believe me I know how u feel, but just keep thinking that you are a really great mother and role model to your child! I love how organised you are, I believe that we need to be so that our days are not as full on during the week! Hey who do u get to do your cleaning as I'm thinking of outsourcing myself! One thing you do more than me though is look after yourself and give yourself me time, that's one thing I definitely have to start doing!!