View Full Version : Man in need of some womens advise
Hi there,
I am after a little advise. I moved interstate with my partner, who is 11 weeks pregnant, and don't really have any female friends here.
This is a desperate plea from a man who is a little lost and confused.
I have read about 'mood swings' and the affects of hormones on my partners behaviour but I would like to know whether what is happening is 'normal' and maybe get some advise from those with first hand experience.
The long and short of it is that she is constantly stressed by the smallest of things, and is rarely in a good mood or happy.
It has gone as far as her ending the relationship last night and I just dont know what to say or do. Everything is seen as me being 'patronising' or 'undermining', but it really is just me trying to show I care in what ever way I can.
any sujestions would be fantastic.
Thanks
Allymumtobe
26-04-2012, 14:41
Hi there,
I am after a little advise. I moved interstate with my partner, who is 11 weeks pregnant, and don't really have any female friends here.
This is a desperate plea from a man who is a little lost and confused.
I have read about 'mood swings' and the affects of hormones on my partners behaviour but I would like to know whether what is happening is 'normal' and maybe get some advise from those with first hand experience.
The long and short of it is that she is constantly stressed by the smallest of things, and is rarely in a good mood or happy.
It has gone as far as her ending the relationship last night and I just dont know what to say or do. Everything is seen as me being 'patronising' or 'undermining', but it really is just me trying to show I care in what ever way I can.
any sujestions would be fantastic.
Thanks
The only advice I can really give is she is probably In the worst of morning sickness as well as the hormones is probably freaking her out. Moving interstate was probably very stressful for both of you too.
I feel like as women we are going to be stressed over the little things especially baby related as we have that instant connection it's inside of us to want the best.
Not sure what you should do except remind her that you live her and are there for her and the baby
eviezmum
26-04-2012, 15:30
I remember, when I was around 9 weeks pregnant, I couldn't find a particular pair of shoes to wear to work. My husband found me sitting on the bedroom floor crying.... He laughed!!
Now I know it was probably very funny, but at the time I was livid! I told him we were getting divorced and I was raising the baby by myself!!
The only advice I can give is be patient. As PP said, there are hormones at work, morning sickness (which really is anytime of the day or night sickness!), stress from the move, worry about the baby and (if its your first) fear of the unknown! It's a scary time - doesn't help you much though does it?!
You could always try ice cream... That worked for me :)
Thanks guys, its a start :)
I love the poor girl to death and I dont know how to show it. I just hope she didnt mean what she said and that im aloud back to make a mends.
Her morning sickness is on the drop, thankfully. Its dizziness thats the enemy now.
Yeah it is her first and I know she is scared.
I know being pregnant made me feel really trapped in my relationship (a very solid, happy, committed relationship with a planned pregnancy) and quite vulnerable and I definitely felt hyper sensitive and like I wanted to run away. I think the only thing you can do is continue to be unconditionally loving and demonstrative of your committment to her and to the baby - lots of women complain that their other half doesn't seem interested enough in the pregnancy. It sounds like this is really tough on you, but hang in there - it will pass and I've no doubt she'll appreciate you being so strong through the tough times
Sasssssy
26-04-2012, 18:36
Thanks guys, its a start :)
I love the poor girl to death and I dont know how to show it. I just hope she didnt mean what she said and that im aloud back to make a mends.
Her morning sickness is on the drop, thankfully. Its dizziness thats the enemy now.
Yeah it is her first and I know she is scared.
I know it's very hard :( my partner struggled for a while thru our pregnancy. Every person is diff when they get preg......n sum of my friends hav all but lost the plot. The only advice is stick it out....u may go thru a rough couple weeks..but she'll want u there sooner or later. (I know that's hard to hear...but I didn't want my DF to even touch me let alone speak to me) n now I rely on him just being here with me n I feel awful for going nutty on him.
I also found that diet really helped my moods...veges I got really agitated...mashed potatoes n I'd mellow out n sleep lots.
I really hope u can work it out...just give her time n constant reminders that u love her regardless n u wanna b apart of it all.
Yeah, It's a tough time. I'm 11 weeks too and my partner has copped the full range. We have just bought a house and have to move in a few weeks and it is stressing me out alot. I have lost all patience with everything and my man cops the short end of the stick in this all. U mentioned she keeps calling you patronising and undermining. It may be for no reason but I know with my partner it's all about the way he says things. When I was at the worst with the morning sickness and the fatigue and the hormones I just felt like he didnt want to know about it. He has had two kids to a previous relationship so when I would tell him things his answers were along the lines of "I know". Drove me mad!
She needs to feel like she has some control over what is happening and she needs to feel like you love and support her. Be honest with her. Tell her, you dont always know what to do or say to show your support. Tell her you need her to tell you what she needs from you. Hopefully this will help her feel more in control and let her know how much you really care.
hopefully2
26-04-2012, 21:01
I would say send her a text saying exactly that...you love her and feel totally helpless in trying to ease her worries but you know that together you two will get through everything.
Pregnancy does bring out insecurity as its all so unknown. T
This sounds really bad but I had to have a little chuckle when I first read this. I'm sorry your having relationship trouble but if my crazy pregnant lady hormones are anything to go by, what you are experiencing is normal.
One moment I want to rip hubby's clothes off and ravish him and the next I don't even want him in the same room as me. This morning I cried at a Kleenex ad!
Just be patient with her, be there for her when she decides she needs you, which I'm pretty sure she will.
Lumpy Melon
26-04-2012, 21:05
Give her lots of attention, do whatever she wants, and most importantly, remind her ALL the time that you love her AND the baby!
she needs all the affection she can get because honestly she probably has no control over anything to do with her body and feels scared.
I was a mess too at that stage.
Just roll with it, And be patient :)
Good luck and also congratulations :)
PoppyLoppy
26-04-2012, 21:19
My little piece of advice is never to suggest to her that it's 'just the hormones'. If dh ever says that to me i want to kill him. It makes a woman feel belittled and like you think she is faking it all.
Could you afford to fly out a family member or friend of hers as a suprise, they may be able to help support her.
You seem like a good guy. Good luck
Sent from my GT-I9100T using BubHub
My tip is to make sure you're useful - you sound like the sort of guy who is so you'll understand when I suggest you help as much with the unpacking / housework / cooking /small chores as you can.
I always found tiredness and lethargy an integral part of the first trimester. I didn't want to do anything, just relax. It passes (in fact, you go all hyper towards the end) but your help at present would probably be vital.
It's the most "useful" way to show your love IMO!
Eleven Eleven
26-04-2012, 22:28
Clean the house and keep it clean. without her asking.
Hold her hair back while she pukes. Without her asking.
Cook dinner. Without her asking.
Do the washing. Without her asking.
For me being pregnant was like being seedy from a massive night out, but for the first 20 weeks. If I could have someone do this for me my mood would have been A LOT better!!
daysta112
26-04-2012, 23:12
Firstly CONGRATULATIONS :)
Maybe enrol in a parenting or birthing class? Tell her when it is and ask her to come along, It shows you are interested in the baby and what she's going through,
Maybe you could get a few of her friend or family members to come interstate for the weekend.
Don't take what she says to heart, pregnancy makes us a little crazy and super emotional, I remember crying hysterically one night because I only had 5 Brussel sprouts (eww)and I wanted 6, I also yelled at xdp for not doing the washing and then another day yelled when he had hung out a load.
Bottom line: you can't win with a pregnant woman. Do what you think is right and one day she will be able to laugh at what she did and said while pregnant :)
It could be that she's worried that moving was a wrong choice, that she wouldn't have enough support, that maybe she is afraid that maybe she isn't ready to be a mum or you a father, fear of the pregnancy/birth, financial changes, fear of loosing bub, fear of the change it would have on her life.
Atleast, this is what goes through my head. I'm at 25weeks, I still get afraid but I'm so excited and bonded so much with my little one. And I moved just last week so I get that sort of stress too.
Even though my family is fabulous and I have plenty of support, my partner is over the moon and tries to be very interested in the details of the pregnancy stages etc and we both want a family... I still get these worries, I'll start crying and no matter what my partner does I can't stop. I've thought about ending our relationship once or twice over something minor and even once when he didn't do anything at all.
Good ol hormones :)
Unless there have been other issues in your relationship I would say she is just scared and hormonal which caused her to think ending relationship would be a good idea.
Just be nice, remind her that you love her, that your committed to her and the baby.. Maybe start being more interactive with the pregnancy. Read up on some books and download some pregnancy apps. My partner got a 'day by day pregnancy book' which he would read a page for that day every morning. They're really cool.
Firstly CONGRATULATIONS :)
Maybe enrol in a parenting or birthing class? Tell her when it is and ask her to come along, It shows you are interested in the baby and what she's going through,
Maybe you could get a few of her friend or family members to come interstate for the weekend.
Don't take what she says to heart, pregnancy makes us a little crazy and super emotional, I remember crying hysterically one night because I only had 5 Brussel sprouts (eww)and I wanted 6, I also yelled at xdp for not doing the washing and then another day yelled when he had hung out a load.
Bottom line: you can't win with a pregnant woman. Do what you think is right and one day she will be able to laugh at what she did and said while pregnant :)
Thankyou. You really hit the nail on the head there. 'Are you coming to bed now?'
'I was going to, is that ok?'
'God I never get any time to myself'
'Ok, i'll come back in half an hr or so (in a chirpy tone)'
pause........ I walk out
My phone goes with a text saying I never listen and that she was still talking. BOOM, end of the world!
Next night.
'why dont you come to bed when I do?'
Thanks for all your advise guys.
It really is hard to get my head round, but im on the case. :)
Im away for the next couple of weeks with work. So hopefully the time with her parents will give her some time to breath, relax and see her friends. (we moved back to where she is from originally.)
I have spoken to her every day since we met, im not gonna change that. Payday tomorrow, so i think a gift or 2 may be coming her way. :)
Deserama
27-04-2012, 10:59
Yes surprise gifts and phone calls telling her how much you miss her and hope she's having a great time catching up with her friends. Show interest in her friends too.."So howz such and such these days?" And REALLY listen to what she says, laugh when she laughs, commerserate with her when she's venting about something or someone but not in a patronising way...it's an art apparantly! But more than anything make sure she knows that you still think she's gorgeous and sexy and beautiful, not just in what you say but also how you look at her.
Ok, this is advice from a guy so maybe a little different. Flowers, dinner, romance, foot rubs all good (especially foot rubs later on)... And there will be plenty of times that you need to suck it up and take a battering because she's going through hell and her hormones mean she doesn't know she's giving you a hard time BUT... you also need to be honest with her. Pick a time which is low stress and say you want to talk to her about what's been going on. I've found if you just try to be unnaturally positive it makes it worse because it looks like you're hiding something which let's face it, you are. Work out some strategies so that you can both cope and so that she can take your attempts at support the way they were intended. Believe me, in 12 months time you guys are REALLY going to need those communication skills streamlined and working together as a team. You need to manage the situation, not try to manage her.
My hubby and I went through a very similar thing...we moved from the U.S. to Australia when I was 12 weeks pregnant and it was rough. But I"m 20 weeks now and we're doing a lot better.
My husband says Dadad is spot on, but wanted to add that there are particular times when a women may be more likely to freak out and that is when she is hungry, tried, lonely, and sick. When I'm cranky, hubby usually makes me food or asks if I want to lay down and cuddle for a minute. That usually calms me down. Good communication is key, though. You can get through it! If you can afford it, maybe sign up for some communication classes for couples. We did that and it helped heaps. Good luck and congrats!!
cheers guys.
I took everything on board and I think we have sorted things out. :) I am away with work, but we made up before I left.
Thanks again. I will keep you posted on how all 3 of us are getting on. :smiliedance:
Lumpy Melon
30-04-2012, 15:24
cheers guys.
I took everything on board and I think we have sorted things out. :) I am away with work, but we made up before I left.
Thanks again. I will keep you posted on how all 3 of us are getting on. :smiliedance:
So good to hear :)
Good luck and I'm looking forward to your updates :D
mumtobe36yo
30-04-2012, 22:39
Dont wanna put a dampner on things but I did a similar thing when I was pregnant with my first son. I called my mum over to tell her my husband and I were separating and wanted to go home with her. When she came over, they convinced me I was hormonal, and I considered what they said and I was not in a financial spot to raise a child on my own... My son was eighteen months when I felt bold enough to separate from my husband. I wasnt happy, he wasnt happy and my son was not living in a happy household like I think he deserved.
If your relationship is strong, full of trust and respect, then you will be okay.
But if there is disrespect and problems in your relationship, when a child enters it can make the holes bigger.
Boobycino
30-04-2012, 23:03
My df and I couldn't agree on babies name so I threatened to leave him off the birth certificate.
Though - maybe.... Just going from something that's annoying that my partner is doing - and I had baby 7 weeks ago so I'm sleep deprived with whackadoo hormones, but when I say "I went grocery shopping today and it was a nightmare!" the correct response is "aw that sucks hun"
Whereas my df wants to know why, what went wrong, how to improve, and I wind up feeling like screaming " well if YOUR so good YOU take the kids shopping"
He means to be helpful. But it comes off patronising and undermining. Just why I thought maybe - just a thought - that's what's happening?
Because there's SO much going on for her and there's literally nothing you can do to help her.
I also hated when I was pregnant df asking me what I needed or suggesting things when I had morning sickness. It's a hang over that never ever ends. Talking just makes it worse.
So I dunno if that might be at all helpful though.
The long and short of it is that she is constantly stressed by the smallest of things
Everything is seen as me being 'patronising' or 'undermining', but it really is just me trying to show I care in what ever way I can.
First of all I don't believe pregnancy hormones are an excuse for a woman being a biatch. If things are not gong smoothly it's probably either because the woman just has a biatchy nature or there is something in the relationship that she's not happy with.
I am offering the following advise not to be rude, but to try and help.
- I believe the above words from your post demonstrate that you're not really listening to your partner. You're not recognising her concerns.... You're belittling them by Saying they are insignificant. You are turning the focus back to you by saying "but she's wrong, I meant blah blah blah.". My suggestion would be to just listen to your gf's concerns. Acknowledge them (paraphrase and ask her if its what she meant). Don't argue. They are her perceptions. Once you have listened without judging you will gain her trust. She then might be more accepting to listen to you/your perceptions. Or she might tell you about an underlying fear that's causing her to act out. She's not 100% right, you're not 100% right, the truth is somewhere in between.
First of all I don't believe pregnancy hormones are an excuse for a woman being a biatch. If things are not gong smoothly it's probably either because the woman just has a biatchy nature or there is something in the relationship that she's not happy with.
I am offering the following advise not to be rude, but to try and help.
- I believe the above words from your post demonstrate that you're not really listening to your partner. You're not recognising her concerns.... You're belittling them by Saying they are insignificant. You are turning the focus back to you by saying "but she's wrong, I meant blah blah blah.". My suggestion would be to just listen to your gf's concerns. Acknowledge them (paraphrase and ask her if its what she meant). Don't argue. They are her perceptions. Once you have listened without judging you will gain her trust. She then might be more accepting to listen to you/your perceptions. Or she might tell you about an underlying fear that's causing her to act out. She's not 100% right, you're not 100% right, the truth is somewhere in between.
That makes alot of sence. :) Really good advice. thanks for that :yes:
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.1.9 Copyright © 2013 vBulletin Solutions, Inc. All rights reserved.