Tales of "moving on" from ttc (but ending up with a bub!)

[ABigDeepBreath]

We all know someone who knows someone who, after years of ttc, ended up with a BFP and a healthy bub after they "stopped trying".

After 2.5 years of ttc, and adjusting my lifestyle and work situation to be flexible and pregnancy/baby friendly, I am enrolling in a full-time PhD (3 years minimum). We will keep ttc - i'll still take my clomid - but this new plan is really not pregnancy friendly. At all. But it is a goal I have been putting off because we were going to start a family first. The thing is, there is still no baby after a few years, and I'm finding it harder and harder to cope as each month passes, and as each friend announces their pregnancy. I have decided that I need to focus on and progress another goal, and throwing myself into a PhD seems the way to go right now. And it gives me a reason for it to be ok each month when i get a BFN (as it would be extremely inconvenient for me to become pregnant in the next few months), whereas, I've been finding it very hard to reframe my BFNs lately. :(

So i was wondering if anyone else has "moved on" from obsessing over ttc and how you went about it... and if it ended up helping you get pregnant in the long run. :)

[HopefulK]

Hi there not sure if my story is exactly along the lines of your thread but for what it's worth...

Like you, DH and I had been TTC for 2.5 years with no result. We had all the tests but all showed that we were both fertile. I was working in an extremely full on stressful job during that time and had soooo many friends tell me that I should re-assess my work situation as it was probably stopping me from getting pregnant. So I asked my fertility specialist and she pointed to numerous studies and research which indicated that there is NO basis to this and that I should do whatever makes me happy (my career) while on the journey as its already hard enough. So we eventually decided to give IVF a try, this was during a time when my job was at its busiest and I had been given more opportunities for advancement. I made the decision not to "slow down" but to just go for it - both IVF and my career. After all I had no idea if the baby thing would work out, and didn't want to put my life on hold for a "maybe".

Well it worked first go and I gave birth to my healthy daughter in November last year. :-)

I guess my message is to follow your heart, whatever that means for you. I think a bit of distraction helped ease my many BFN's along the way, I don't know how I would have coped without it!

Good luck on your journey :-)

[loumia]

:hugs::hugs:& congrats for pursuing your goal & studying for a PHD, how exciting :)

I had my tubal reversal in Nov '10 (tubes were clamped due to medical reasons) & TBH i thought it would happen straight away as i fell pg easily with DD1 & 2. We were actively TTC for 9 months before the stress became a bit much & we decided to stop TTC (which was very difficult) & go on an extended break. We ended up going away for the weekend about a month after we had stopped TTC & i ended up pg. I have also been told by plenty of people that it happens when you stop trying but i was sceptical at first, but there's obviously some truth in it.

Wishing you the best of luck :goodvibes:

[Pina Colada]

My DH and I worked with a man who had begun TTC with his wife 15 years before their DD was born. They had tried natural conception and IVF, and had stopped 'trying' for about 6 years before she was conceived. They were both in their early 40's.

[Rachell]

:hugs: Not a personal story but is a story of a very close friend of mine.


She had been TTC for 10 years.
She also had many failed IVF attempts.

Age was catching up with her and at this point she wasnt sure if she wanted to risk having a baby this late in life any more.
She and her husband decided to try and just accept the fact they couldn't have children and focus of other things.

She was overweight and decided to have lap banding done.
3 years after the lap banding was done she was at her ideal weight, still no baby so she she ruled her weight issues out as ever being a cause of her infertility.

She had been looking for a car for a few years and was always looking at buying a family car incase a baby ever came along but she then decided it was wise to buy a nice small 2 door car that was not suitable for a baby ;) lol.
They also down sized there home and bought an apartment and went on a holiday.

Not having to pay a mortgage on a big house any more or medical bills she decided to go to part time work and spend time on her self.

Needless to say when she came back from her holiday she didn't feel quite well. He periods were always irregular so she didn't put the signs together at first.
She found out she was pregnant at 11 weeks and now has a beautiful baby girl who will be 3 this year and is pregnant with her second.

I don't know which factor helped her, weight loss, cutting work back, or Murphy's law in the fact she down sized her car and house and spent there "baby savings" on a holiday ;)

My story might not be much help as I never went down the Fertility treatment path , but thought I would add it just incase you get something helpful out of it.

I had/have gynecological problems and was told I wouldn't be able to fall pregnant naturally (I didn't want children at that stage of my life) my husband (fiancée at the time) had a painful problem called varicocele (when varicose veins form in the sperm cord, swell and block seamen for getting through) so I didn't see the reason with being on birth control, fed up with there side effects I threw them out.
I had unprotected sex with Dh for a long time and no pregnancy ever happened. We had just discussed that when we were ready we would go down the IVF path and dh would try the operation to remove the veins, and see where that led us.
We went on a 4 week honey moon immediately after our wedding and it was stress free (we both worked in high stress jobs and were both having troubles with our families, our wedding planing was stressful too) when I got back I found out I was pregnant.

Looks like for now though it will only be a family of 3.
But I'm extremely grateful for that, i feel extremely blessed to have my daughter.

Fingers crossed for you! Hopefully you get a BFP soon :)
Good luck! :baby dust:

[ABigDeepBreath]

Today I shocked myself thinking 'it might even be a good thing if I'm not pregnant this month'. Haven't thought this for years! Progress?

[HopefulK]

Yes absolutely progress! It can be such an obsession and I think it helps to have other things to focus on.

Also please don't listen to those that tell you "just relax and it will happen". It's a load of phooey. Infertility - whatever it's cause - is heartbreaking and difficult and if it could be solved simply by relaxing there'd be no such thing as IVF and the like!

[Amiedoll]

Yes absolutely progress! It can be such an obsession and I think it helps to have other things to focus on.

Also please don't listen to those that tell you "just relax and it will happen". It's a load of phooey. Infertility - whatever it's cause - is heartbreaking and difficult and if it could be solved simply by relaxing there'd be no such thing as IVF and the like!


While I believe that "relaxing" isn't the cure all for infertility I think not being under the terrible stress and constant heart break that ttc can bring, can in fact help.

I was ttc for 8 years. Early on we saw a specialist and I dropped a lot of weight (I followed the diet plan religiously and exercised a lot). We failed to conceive at that time, and life intervened so we stopped going for a while. A few more years on, with more major set backs and delays and I still had had no luck and I was getting more and more depressed.
It wasn't until I had given up so I could just concentrate on getting healthier, and go back to work that things started to change.

I was trying really hard to lose weight and I had lost a fair amount, but I wasn't as low as I got while seeing the specialist. I knew I had a long trek a head of me, so I was just plodding along, not being too strict with my diet, just trying to avoid the really bad stuff and staying active. I was starting to have fun at work, and was enjoying being a bit more social. I was absolutely loving having the money to spend on some fun things (like a pool :smiliedance:). My relationship with DH was going a lot better as well and I was starting to see that a future without kids would be fine too (even though there was a part of me that was still devastated and frustrated, it just wasn't in the fore front of my mind any more).

I was still a fair way from my going back to the fertility specialist weight (which was my ultimate goal, I was taking a ttc break not giving up completely) when I started to get regular periods. I thought it was definitely progress but I was sure I'd still need a fair bit of help to get pregnant.

A few months later it was gone again (I skip them all the time so I was just sad that the regularity was gone). When it was still MIA I decided to test since I was starting to feel a bit off, and low and behold I got my BFP :D.

There have been a lot of times that I've been skinnier then I was when I actually conceived, but it wasn't till I was actually happy with myself and my life that it happened. I know a lot of people have more severe medical conditions then I have, and I know not trying won't work with everyone (worse luck, I wish there was no such thing as infertility :() but it did help me.

[Boost]

Subscribing. Mainly because we are 'moving on'.

[Lumpy Melon]

My story is not quite the same.

Dh (then df) and I had been ttc for three years, resulting in seven miscarriages, we lost 9 babies, yet nothing was medically wrong with either of us.

We decided to just move on in may 2010 as it was taking a huge toll emotionally.

We were planning our wedding for august and stressed out because our venue shut down ten weeks before and the owner left the country with everyone's money.

During those months we also had to fly to Adelaide for dh's cousins wedding, one month before ours.

Lo and behold the weekend before our Thursday wedding I found out I was five weeks pregnant!!!

We both took it in our stride as we expected another m/c, but our DS just turned one on the 24th!

We are now ttc#2 also :)

Good luck on your journey and I hope that you get your bub soon.

[bada]

My Brother and SIL have been trying for nearly fiver years now. Two years ago they decided they needed to destress and focus on something else, so quit their jobs and moved overseas. They've traveled a lot and are living it up, but still no baby.

A friend married at 20 and tried for years before accepting they weren't going to have children, never changed anything in their lives but then surprisingly fell pregnant at 30, had a healthy baby boy but then found herself divorced at 31.

Who knows why any of it happens the way it does, life just isn't fair to everyone I suppose.

[Keerah]

I know we havent been trying for long, but I just wanted to add my thoughts.

I am now 32, I have my profession, but i know that profession isnt going to take me into retirement, my body will give way before I hit retirement age. With the miscarriage in the last month I have had to sit back and put things into perspective again. At the same time that my OH told me that she did not want to try to carry again and that I would be carrying (which I have always wanted but when we started we would have been better off for her to carry) I have had an oppertunity open up to train in Vet Nursing, something I have wanted to do since I was a kid.

I had to step back for a bit and look at what I really want, it turns out i want both those things, but I am not going to put my dreams on hold just because we are trying for a baby, we dont know if or when it is going to happen. All we can do is move forward will our lives and take what it gives us. I would be so overjoyed to have a baby, but there is no certainty.

I also trust that if it is ment to be then it will happen when it is supposed to (which is a tough philosophy given we are lesbians and have to source sperm) But if we dont have kids I will still be happy. I will always know deep down that we have tried the best we can with what we have and be at peace with that.

[ABigDeepBreath]

I just thought I would update you all.. Due to start phd in a few weeks and... hey presto... BFP! I lost my last/first pregnancy at 12wks, so I am going to continue with the phd plan and work around this of all goes well with the pregnancy. So 'moving on but not' appears to have worked in my case.

[ABigDeepBreath]

Keerah, I can totally relate to your situation. Even now that I have an early BFP, there is no certainty. In fact, i'm feeling very cautious and not overly excited just yet. I'm not going to pass up this opportunity. It's a real shift in thinking that I've had to make, as I had really set my life up to be baby friendly and was itching to be a SAHM... But planning around baby is obviously not something I am meant to do.

We absolutely must help ourselves dream and aspire for goals other than children if we are to stay sane through this, as well as cope if it's not meant to be. I'm so acutely aware of this now. In the meantime, I hope more 'moving on' babies appear around here. :)

[drewid]

I had all but given up. I'd spent 5 1/2 years since DS waiting and hoping and doing everything to have a 2nd child, and had gotten to a place of acceptance, and had started thinking about a career and study and what I would do now. I had done a lot of soul searching and just accepted that another child wasn't to be. I applied for a job, and was getting excited about the prospect. Two weeks later, BFP.

Sometimes the world does work in mysterious ways.

[Rachael3]

Unfortunately I had to give up my career to TTC. We have been trying for 2 years including 1 year of IVF. It became too stressful coping with both especially with work interstate travel. We have been trying naturally with 1 stim cycle since I left work but still no luck. I would love to go back and study but not working and the cost of IVF makes it hard to fund the cost to do course.

Congrats ABigDeepBreath, hope all goes well.

[Buttoneska]

yep!! this happened to me and DH

I fell pregnant by accident and had a miscarriage at 9wks. about 8 or 10mth later we decided we would ttc and I thought I would get pregnant pretty quick.

23 months ttc, i had tried everything short of medical intervention: SMEP, tracking my cycle, using preseed, not using preseed, begging, praying, crying, putting my life on hold

the last 4mths of ttc really took a toll on me and I realised I had to find some sort of happiness and plan a life without kids.

the first month we actively tried NOT to concieve, we dtd on CD10 (6days before my preiod tracker said I would O) and didn't do it again for the rest of my cycle because we didnt want to get pregnant.

we joked that i was prob pregnant and a couple of week later - yep BFP.

[Little-Pink-Hen]

We TTC for 6 years. I had bring dx with PCOS but it was being controlled by weight loss. We had done a year of clomid and another year of iui which ended in five fail attempts.
I was obsessed I couldn't thinking anything else but the baby to come my life was permanently suspended waiting for baby to show up. I couldn't and wouldn't choose to do certain things or commit to long term stuff just incase I fell pregnant

Than we discovered I had cancer and needed chemo. I had to face the reality that I may not have children, and shift my thinking from getting pregnant too fighting cancer and living. I was forced to stop TTC and to even used contraception for the first time in 6 years so I could protect chemo being passed to dh like an std

7 months later I finished chemo. Two after that I got a remission status and permission to stop using contraception when dtd. We planed to go back to my fs in the new year four months away. Two cycles later I was pregnant. Dd turns 3 in August.

My 2nd pregnancy was similar. We spent 8 months TTC. My emotions from pervious TTC were still raw and 8 moths felt like 5 years. Than I was dx with an auto immune disorder and I thought I probably wouldn't have another bub and just have dd. I needed a pet scan and bone marrow aspiration four days later I got a BFP. (that was an angle bub) five months later I got our BFP for newbie she will arrive in a few weeks

[ABigDeepBreath]

I had all but given up. I'd spent 5 1/2 years since DS waiting and hoping and doing everything to have a 2nd child, and had gotten to a place of acceptance, and had started thinking about a career and study and what I would do now. I had done a lot of soul searching and just accepted that another child wasn't to be. I applied for a job, and was getting excited about the prospect. Two weeks later, BFP.

Sometimes the world does work in mysterious ways.

It certainly does!

[ABigDeepBreath]

Unfortunately I had to give up my career to TTC. We have been trying for 2 years including 1 year of IVF. It became too stressful coping with both especially with work interstate travel. We have been trying naturally with 1 stim cycle since I left work but still no luck. I would love to go back and study but not working and the cost of IVF makes it hard to fund the cost to do course.

Congrats ABigDeepBreath, hope all goes well.

So did you stop work altogether? I found it hard when I had made lifestyle/job changes to reduce stress, only to still be childless 18 mths later. And i didn't even have to go through ivf. I can't imagine if I wasn't working at all - my mental health would be a mess! It would possibly make me more stressed. I guess we are all different in how we cope with this. I hope your bub comes to meet you soon!

[ABigDeepBreath]

We TTC for 6 years. I had bring dx with PCOS but it was being controlled by weight loss. We had done a year of clomid and another year of iui which ended in five fail attempts.
I was obsessed I couldn't thinking anything else but the baby to come my life was permanently suspended waiting for baby to show up. I couldn't and wouldn't choose to do certain things or commit to long term stuff just incase I fell pregnant

Than we discovered I had cancer and needed chemo. I had to face the reality that I may not have children, and shift my thinking from getting pregnant too fighting cancer and living. I was forced to stop TTC and to even used contraception for the first time in 6 years so I could protect chemo being passed to dh like an std

7 months later I finished chemo. Two after that I got a remission status and permission to stop using contraception when dtd. We planed to go back to my fs in the new year four months away. Two cycles later I was pregnant. Dd turns 3 in August.

My 2nd pregnancy was similar. We spent 8 months TTC. My emotions from pervious TTC were still raw and 8 moths felt like 5 years. Than I was dx with an auto immune disorder and I thought I probably wouldn't have another bub and just have dd. I needed a pet scan and bone marrow aspiration four days later I got a BFP. (that was an angle bub) five months later I got our BFP for newbie she will arrive in a few weeks

Wow. LittlePinkHen, your story is amazing and so humbling. It's hard to find an appropriate way to respond, except to thank you for sharing this. It really gives me hope and also perspective. Thank you.

[ABigDeepBreath]

yep!! this happened to me and DH

I fell pregnant by accident and had a miscarriage at 9wks. about 8 or 10mth later we decided we would ttc and I thought I would get pregnant pretty quick.

23 months ttc, i had tried everything short of medical intervention: SMEP, tracking my cycle, using preseed, not using preseed, begging, praying, crying, putting my life on hold

the last 4mths of ttc really took a toll on me and I realised I had to find some sort of happiness and plan a life without kids.

the first month we actively tried NOT to concieve, we dtd on CD10 (6days before my preiod tracker said I would O) and didn't do it again for the rest of my cycle because we didnt want to get pregnant.

we joked that i was prob pregnant and a couple of week later - yep BFP.

That is so awesome!!

[fionaalice]

Congratulations Abigdeepbreath, I hope the pregnancy develops well :)

I had heard these mystical stories of people falling pregnant after they stop trying, and I hated people telling me them. I thought if all the fertility treatment didn't work then obviously nothing would. I did not believe I needed to relax. Hearing that really drove me insane.

We were ttc for 6 years, 3 and half of IVF. We made the decision to stop treatment when my DH turned 40 and I was 39. It was taking it's toll physically and emotionally. Rationally I was fine with the decision to stop, but emotionally it was incredibly hard and I went through a bit of a rough patch.
We decided we would take some time out and go live in Bali for 5 months - spending the money we had saved in case we fell pregnant.
We were there for maybe a month and I realised I was pregnant only my 2nd natural pregnancy - but expected it would end in miscarriage as it had before. I did have some early bleeding and thought it was over but here I am at 37 weeks waiting for my boy to arrive anyday.
I put it down to enjoying life, warm weather, good food, love and fate.
It's a miracle - no other explanation.
so these miracles do sometimes happen, I can't believe I am one of 'those' stories.

Best wishes to all.

[Keerah]

Rachael3 - This time last year I was working with endurance horses. Those things are almost crazier than race horses and the numbers that were kept in some of the paddocks were just plain dangerous conditions without bringing pregnancy into the equasion. That is initially why we decided for my DP to carry. I ended up leaving that job because they were really inconsistant with paying me, but I wish I had of left sooner to carry.

Now, Im not worried about it, I know everything will fall into place when it is supposed to, I will get on with life and follow the things I want in my career and deal with things as life throws them at me. I know everything will fall into place when it is ready to happen, so I just need to remind myself to enjoy the ride instead of worrying about it all the time.

[Little-Pink-Hen]

Wow. LittlePinkHen, your story is amazing and so humbling. It's hard to find an appropriate way to respond, except to thank you for sharing this. It really gives me hope and also perspective. Thank you.

Thanks. Congrats on your BFP!! I look forward to following your story and hearing of bubs arrival

[ABigDeepBreath]

Fionaalice, thank you for sharing your story. All the best for bub's imminent birth!

It's really wonderful to hear about these long term ttc journeys with unexpected and happy endings! Keep them coming!

[Rachael3]

So did you stop work altogether? I found it hard when I had made lifestyle/job changes to reduce stress, only to still be childless 18 mths later. And i didn't even have to go through ivf. I can't imagine if I wasn't working at all - my mental health would be a mess! It would possibly make me more stressed. I guess we are all different in how we cope with this. I hope your bub comes to meet you soon!

Yes I stopped altogether officially unemployed and don't plan to go back for a while. I was there for nearly 8 years and the last couple of years my attitude towards work changed also felt the stress in my body which wasn't great after ET. I started back at the gym and I get odd jobs done for our home, do acupuncture and go to IVF appointments without the hassle of arranging time off from work. I won't consider going back to work till next year but will review this again as time gets closer. I found it more stressful coping with both IVF and work and trying to keep a pretend smile on my face at work, that made me even more depressed. Now I can deal with this at my own pace. All the best to you and your BFP :)

[Rachael3]

Rachael3 - Now, Im not worried about it, I know everything will fall into place when it is supposed to, I will get on with life and follow the things I want in my career and deal with things as life throws them at me. I know everything will fall into place when it is ready to happen, so I just need to remind myself to enjoy the ride instead of worrying about it all the time.I agree, it just feels that I put my career first before having a baby now I regret it a little especially that it's taking so long. Hopefully I'll get that buzz back to go work again or preferably have a bub that would definitely give me something to work for again.

[Trying to get by]

I was told yesterday that we will not be able to have a baby. My eggs are "oozy" and not good for fertilisation. On my first IVF/ICSI cycle we had one embryo from 5 eggs (the other four had no pronuclei at all), but 'Spot' didn't stick the landing. We've just completed the second round where they injected three viable eggs, but nothing came of them -- no pronuclei, just nothing. We also got one two-celled egg, which was a bit of a concern. Given this, we've been told that the egg quality is so bad that we are likely never to have children of our own. My husband is against a donor egg (although I would be willing) because he wants to have a baby with me, not some random person. We will go through ICSI one more time in around four months' time to allow for a new batch of eggs to cycle through, and pray that other medications such as DHEA take effect during that time. But we are both just gutted, and I burst into tears regularly. I know there are stories of people who have been trying, got nowhere, then spontaneously conceived, but I know in my heart we are not going to be one of those couples. Has anyone been in the same situation? How do you accept the inevitable? Because I really struggle with people at work announcing their pregnancies.
Can anyone help?

[ABigDeepBreath]

I'm sorry I can't offer any suggestions, Trying to get by. You might find something helpful in other threads in this section. Take care.