Coping with loss, blame & family

[bubbasmama]

My baby boy was born sleeping on 9th March 2012, just over a month ago, at 23 weeks. Lying awake here at 4am unable to sleep which is common now as all I can think of is him. The grief and loss and sadness is so immense, it's overwhelming.

We have dealt with a lot since his death as you all have - so many facets to deal with, hurdles to overcome - however there are a few things that I just wanted to post about, not that I'm expecting answers or needing explanations or anything, I just wish to talk about them and maybe hear some views.

One thing is blame. In our particular case there was absolutely nothing we could have done. He developed with heart abnormalities and as the doctors keep saying it was "just one of those things" that happen. But the issue is this: Does it make it better, or harder that there is nothing to blame? I feel like I want to scream at someone, demand my son back and get angry, but who with? It's all pent up inside and given up on as there is no-one to blame. But that doesn't get rid of that feeling.

The next thing is family. Luckily I must say most of our (my husband and I) extended families have been supportive, however there is one sibling who has the "oh well, just try again" attitude. And this really gets to me. Our son's loss is a tragedy, so heartbreaking, unimaginable pain has been ripped through us. And yet, they act and treat us as if nothing has happened. Not even a kind word or the standard "I'm sorry for your loss" that even strangers have the courtesy to say. I try my best to ignore their carelessness and dismiss them from my mind as not worth the time and effort to think about, but I can't help it creeping back sometimes. How can they not even be sad for us, and our son? I resent them and wish I could just steer clear of them entirely, but unfortunately circumstances dictate I can't.
Do you have any family like this? How did you deal with, not so much them, but your feelings?

The last thing is the emptiness. There is so much excitement and preparation during a pregnancy. We had things all set up for our son even though we were only basically 6 months through the pregnancy. It just feels so wrong. So wrong that there are clothes here for him, a cot, a highchair, a baby carrier, the list goes on... But where is our baby? We are supposed to be dead on our feet right now with our 17 month old daughter and a newborn baby son, but we're not. Where is our newborn baby son? All these Sympathy cards are supposed to be Baby cards... But they're not. We're supposed to have two car seats in our car, but we don't. We're supposed to be filled with joy and goo-goos and ga-gas and walking around like zombies from lack of sleep... But we're not. It's just so wrong.
There's a big hole in our lives, we were pregnant, and then it just stopped. Things just ended. It feels like one big bad terrible dream, did it really happen? But then it just feels like yesterday.

I would love to hear your thoughts. I am just another lost Mummy like you.

[daysta112]

*big hugs* sorry for your loss.
Firstly I think your need to find an outlet, either a totally unrealated activity or maybe a little plaque I the garden or plant a tree in the local park and make it your place to go and think/spend some time.

Families can suck sometimes, I'm assuming this is just because they don't understand your loss not because they are being mean. Make it clear what your need ATM I'm sure they will step up.

Just take it slow, let yourself grieve it will get easier :)

[TrishStar]

Hi bubbasmama,

Firstly I want to say I am so sorry for your loss. :hugs: I lost my girl at 33 weeks last August and I still find that I will have bad days, but on most occasions I am normal, well as one can be.

Just reading your post and I can relate, to all of it.

In regards to blame, I hav spent a lot of times blaming myself. My little girl was healthy, no medical problems with her at all. I on the other hand pretty much had a defective uterus. I have spent the last ten months fighting with myself, blaming myself, for not protecting my child. She should have been in the safest place in the world. Unfortunately without my belly being glass there was no way to know. But in saying all that, I know its just one of thse things. The odds of what happened to me is so rare, they only had a 17 minute chance to save her, and thats if they new what was going on, which we didn't. It doesn't make it easier for me, but it allows me to understand that the hospital did their best in their circumstances.

In regards to family, I think we are in the same boat as you. Most have been great, and some have stepped up more than we ever expected (geez now I am going to start crying!!), but there was one brother, who till his day, we still haven't heard from. He made no effort, even though his wife did, he hasn't said a word. Not even a text. I think compared to your situation I would rather that, then for him to be thoughtless, but it is still disapointing, as you would have thought family should have been supportive. For me though, as disapointed as I am, I am more sad for my husband as it is brother. My hubby seems to not care about it, but I do know that deep down he would have liked to hear from him. The relationship was strained to begin with, but surely you would have put the past aside and been a bigger man about it all. But from this with have found who are the bigger that we can trust and wil be there in times of need.

With regards to emptiness, everything you have written, and I mean every word is exactly how I feel. We spent a lot of months having every door in the house closed, all except our little girls. She has been gone ten months now and I still have her room set up. I do not have the heart to pack it away. I walk around constantly feeling like I am missing something. I read friends of mine statuses on facebook, all sleep deprived and upset as there kid isnt settled, or they have only had two hours sleep.. I am craving that. I want that more than anything in this whole world. I want to be walking around like a living zombie because my baby isn't sleeping. Sometimes I want to go outside and scream as loud as I can to the sky "Give me my bloody baby back! I want her HERE!!!"

Never in my wildest dreams would I have ever thought I would lose a baby. But I have to say, one of the best things I have done is started chatting in this forum. I have met some wonderful ladies who know how I feel, and I can openly talk about it without looking like a crazy person! :) The months after losing Mia were a blur. I have joined a couple of pages on Facebook that are related to giving packages to parents at the hospital after losing a child. They recently posted how did you find us, and I thought long and hard about it and I have no idea. I don't remember a lot of things. I don't know if thats my mind just pushing things aside, or that its just trivial stuff and my brain has kicked out those memories cos they don't matter. I find that with a lot of things.

Take care
Trish xo

[bubbasmama]

Hi Trish,

I know you posted this a little while ago now, sorry for the late reply.

I just wanted to thank you. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and your feelings. I cried as I read your post, and my heart breaks for your loss, little Mia.

I have had the exact same experience as you re time, it has been just over 5 months since I lost my little boy now and I can't recall where all that time has gone. I know I spent a lot of it crying, and just getting through each day, one at a time. Doing what I needed to do for and with our daughter, just getting by, each day at a time.

Experiences like this really show you what matters most. We treasure our little daughter even more (if that's possible), appreciating what we have in a way that only someone who has lost a baby could. So many take children for granted, and each step of their children is nothing but another stage to get through. Most of all I keep hearing other women complain about the hassles of pregnancy, and the early years as nothing but tiring etc... but I have nothing but gratitude for each step now, no matter how wearing and troublesome. You sure learn not to take anything for granted and treasure what you have when you are given it, as it can be taken away from you at any moment.