I will never live with my MIL.

[rollercoaster2012]

I'm going through a million problems at the moment... :(

Partner and I live in a shared house. The rent is extremely cheap. The house is horrible and dirty, both of us want to move out as soon as possible, specially now that I'm pregnant.
I got pregnant while i was in between jobs, its been difficult to find a new job considering I will leave in 6 months.
Partner got fired very recently from a stable job.

I'm Australian, though I lived most of my life overseas and have only very recently moved back here. My family does not live in Oz and I do not have much of a support system.

So as you can see life is hard for us.

MIL offered us to live with her without paying any rent or bills.
I do not want to live with my MIL when I'm a new mum! I do not want her teaching me what to do, telling me what to do, getting into any of my business. Having my first baby is something so precious to me.. I want to raise him/her on my own, make my own mistakes, figure things outs on my own.. that wont happen with my MIL in the middle.
I've also become an irrational hormonal lady, this pregnancy has been horrible. I do not want to have my crying fits in my MIL's house.

Another point is: I'm in the process of getting my license, I do not have a car. MIL lives in a small city where there isn't much public transport. I would be even more isolated from the world if we were to move there.

My partner is angry and does not understand why I do not want to live with his family. He is offended and doesn't get why I wouldn't want his mum to help me with the baby, he doesn't get it.. at all!
He says i am being selfish, only thinking about myself - only worrying about myself instead of focusing on the fact that this may help us buy a house in the near future.

I am extremely depressed. I know living in someone elses house (lets face it, things are diffferent when you arent in the privacy of your home) just makes things even worse for me.
He doesn't understand why I dont want his mum to help me and he is quite hurt and resentful of it.
And of course, he will not leave that house for at least 2 years. So there goes my first pregnancy (with a MIL thats a food pusher.. you know, the type of women that make you eat and eat and get upset when you say no).. and there goes my first year with my baby on MY OWN as it should be.. I'M the mum!


if you were in my shoes, how would you make him understand why I dont want to move into his mothers house? agh... I wish he would understand but he doesn't, he's just calling me selfish.
I'm not selfish, i'm depressed, alone and in a horrible place.. in need of desperate help...:(

[wantingonemorein2013]

We moved toy mil house after j had my son and it was great to start with she helped me alot and everything
Was fine then it all went bad and we had a huge fight and things were bad for a while we didn't talk to each other and we lived in the same house I didnt want her near my baby and I got us our own place and we moved out and I didn't talk to her for a long time and didn't want my son here her so we never seen her for almost 2 years all I can say it is hard to live with other people and u would much rather be in ur own house but as u same the house u live in is dirty and you don't want your baby there u want your baby to have the best chance at a heathy life and if u can save enough money u will be out of her house and in to ur our place where u and ur hubby and baby can be happy

[MumDadBoyandGirl]

Just wanted to share some hugs!!

I know exactly where you are coming from, trouble is I'm living it out now at 7 months pg.

I hate her now more than anything and my partner will need to deal with the fact that she will not be an active part of our lives moving forward.

[Turk EnJayDee]

Sharing hugs. DP and I moved in with MIL for a "really short time"... I was 3 months pg when we moved in and DD was 3 months old when we FINALLY moved out.

We were there while DP was applying for mining jobs and we didn't wantvto be stuck in a lease if he got one. I had also been made redundant from my job and we were really struggling financially.

I thought she would be great... Not so much. We now hardly ever speak to her and I wish we had never moved in there at all.

I hope something comes up and allows you to get your own place. :fingerscrossed:

[becandabub]

I can't think of anything worse, I'm sorry this is happening to you!! Thankfully my DP agrees & living with either of our families will never be a consideration.

Could you put it back on your DP & ask how he'd feel living with your family? Stuck chatting to your Dad EVERY NIGHT when all he wants to do is relax after work, not being able to eat toast for dinner even though he wants to just because your Mum cooked etc? You get my drift - it strips you both of your independance, your right to privacy, even if your MIL tries not to interfere, she will. She loves your child, she'll see you do something "wrong" & she'll correct you. If you can get him to glimpse what it'll be like for you maybe he'll understand your point of view better?

Good luck, I hope things get better for you.

[BigRedV]

If it was me, I would give it a try. Sounds like your financial situation is pretty dire at the moment and no rent or bills would be a huge relief.

You could set up some ground rules before moving in.

[waterlily]

I can 100% understand but tbh what other options do you have?

[deville]

I totally understand where you are coming from - I can't stand my MIL let alone have to move in with her. If I were in your shoes, I would take my time and write down a few points. Being pregnant and hormones, the conversations obviously haven't worked with you both becoming frustrated - if you have point form - you can stay the course and hopefully get your point across in saying that some of what I'm going to say - you might not like.

I can totally get where you are coming from - if she's intrusive now - she will be when the baby comes along. She's been down that road before (obviously with her son and his siblings) but they need to remember what worked 20, 30 years ago is mostly not relevant for now. She's going to have a comment regardless of what you do, if you live with her or not.

I can see why your partner would be offended - she raised HIM. He might think the sun shines from his mum and that she's the bee's knees and this is the part that's going to sting ... it's his baby too. You said "I do not want her teaching me what to do, telling me what to do, getting into any of my business. Having my first baby is something so precious to me.. I want to raise him/her on my own, make my own mistakes, figure things outs on my own" - where does your partner come into this. How is he going to 'figure things out on his own'. He has a say in how he would like to do things too and believe me - I had to learn this the hard way with my husband - just because they aren't exactly the way I would do them - doesn't mean they are necessarily wrong. You are a team - you are gonna need your partners support and if he doesn't have the answer - where do you think he's going to go for advice??

Your partner has probably gone into 'I have to provide mode' and sees this as a stepping stone to achieve that by saving for the house. I can see it from both sides. Being pregnant for me sucks too - you and I both sound like the kind of women that don't fall into that category of 'ohh you just GLOWWWWW' ... it's scary and it's stressful and it's irrational.

good luck with getting your licence - that will be a HUGE step to preserving your independence

Silly question - but have you looked at other accommodation? Or is your partner not willing to look at any other options? I think when it comes to having a baby there is a degree of selfishness that you need to have - as you said - YOURs and HIS baby - make it a great experience but you just don't feel it will be healthy for your mental state to move in with your MIL and provide the points to him there.

I offer you hugs and support and wish you the best outcome for your family.

[mummy2Luca]

That is really hard :( Does your MIL work? If not that would make for a very longgg 2 year stay. I wouldnt like being around my MIL for my pregnancy or labour, or first moments, she would take over too, even though she is a lovely person, sometimes they just cant help it. Try telling your partner this is making you anxious and depressed and you will have to find somewhere else to live?

[Bubbles10]

Maybe talk to your partner about how you want a long term positive relationship with your MIL and his family, and you are worried that moving in with them at this time could be detrimental to this.

YOu are only 3 months pregnant, it is definately possible to get a job at this time, even if the job is not one that you would normally get. Think outside the square when looking for work. I had just finished studying when i found out i was pregnant and didn't feel comfortable applying for jobs in my chosen career when i would only be there for a few months. I wrote up my CV and dropped it into a number of businesses stating that i was interested in part-time, casual, or project work and was offered 3 interviews from just 10 drops. I got work at a really nice place and returned there between my 2 babies. It worked for both of us, they got some of their project work finished and i got cash!

[dancermum]

I lived next door to my MIL for 6 weeks and that was too close for too long! DH and I love our privacy. I don't blame you at all for feeling how you do. I hope you can find another alternative!

[Jemma87]

Have you got other options. ??
I wouldn't want to live with a new baby in a dirty house :( and to be honest the only thing I can say about moving in with mil is DONT DO IT!!
We live with the in laws and mil and I have just had a fight and aren't talking all to do with the kids!!
We are trying desperately to get our own place with no rental history and partner without a job ATM its proving to be hard :(

[MissMuppet]

I would hate to live with my MIL too. Not ideal at all. But sometimes you have to do whatever you need to to survive.

Currently your options are live in dirty share house or live with MIL. If you are deadset against those choices then you need to come up with a third.

Apply for any jobs you can. My best friend was jobless when she fell pregnant. She's been taking temp jobs for extra money. Gives her references, money and confidence and possible permanent opportunities after the baby arrives.

I also don't understand why if you live with MIL it must be for two years. i'd try to arrange a compromise. If you simply must live with her out of necessity then I would agree on the understanding that you both work towards independence (looking for own place, own jobs) and that you leave as soon as reasonable.

Sometimes the best solution takes time to organise.

If it was me - I'd start signing up to temp agencies immediately, as well as putting in applications with woolies, Coles, Target, govt admin entry level jobs and encourage my partner to do the same. Until something came up, I'd volunteer in offices, lifeline stores, anywhere I could, to get references, show work history and make contacts. It looks good on a resume. I would do anything I could to try make that third option of independence become a reality. I know it can be tough when you're pregnant, but if you really want to avoid the MIL solution then you need to do whatever you can to make a viable alternative.

Good luck. :hugs:

[wrena]

That sounds like a really tough position to be in. We live with my ILs and when I was emotional and pregnant I really hated it. Since our DD was born nearly 16 months ago it has been the most wonderful thing being able to share the load with them and for our DD to have such a close relationship with her grandparents. If I need to have a shower or hang out washing I can leave her with them and if we want a date night I know that she's with people she feels totally safe with. For me, I find that having my MIL around doesn't sabotage my relationship with my DD at all and only makes me feel supported so that I can be the mother I want to be. It's also put us in a great financial position which means I don't have to work and can be a SAHM with my DD without feeling guilty. They love having us here and we do all the cooking so I feel like we're not a burden as well
Of course, you may not get along with your MIL like that and I can't offer you any advice except to be really open with your DP about your fears and concerns. Just wanted to give another perspective - living with my MIL has been great for our relationship and I'm so grateful to have had this opportunity.
I really hope that you can find a solution that works for you. Being pregnant made me feel really vulnerable so I can imagine how stressed this is making you

[Boobycino]

I refused to live with my inlaws. DF has suggested it several times. He can rant and rave and not understand my issue, but I know our relationship would not last long in that environment. I would resent him making me be there, I would struggle his mother and probably hate his father (mil is annoying, FIL is a chauvinist with zero respect for women and no respect for me as a mother - not in an aggressive way, just in a totally disregard me - least MIL bickers and occasionally shrieks at me about how I parent, FIL just calmly thinks he can overrule me without discussion )

So no. I've refused. And I've laid on the table I'd rather just separate than go through that mess first. Not as an ultimatum. But, as 'you can, but I never will' I would rather 'date' the father of my children from separate homes than live with my inlaws.

Fortunately it's never come to that. And now it probably never would (being a family of 4 now we can hardly just crash on their couch!)

[rollercoaster2012]

YOu are only 3 months pregnant, it is definately possible to get a job at this time, even if the job is not one that you would normally get. Think outside the square when looking for work. I had just finished studying when i found out i was pregnant and didn't feel comfortable applying for jobs in my chosen career when i would only be there for a few months. I wrote up my CV and dropped it into a number of businesses stating that i was interested in part-time, casual, or project work and was offered 3 interviews from just 10 drops. I got work at a really nice place and returned there between my 2 babies. It worked for both of us, they got some of their project work finished and i got cash!

I am looking for work, I am applying to absolutely anything I can find.
Gettng a job also depends on where you live, I do not live in a big city which has made it difficult for me to get employment.

[rollercoaster2012]

I know exactly where you are coming from, trouble is I'm living it out now at 7 months pg.

So sorry you are going through this :(




Could you put it back on your DP & ask how he'd feel living with your family?

I did, he said "well if its for the sake of owning a house I would make an effort. I am not as selfish and self centred as you are :( I am not trying to be selfish or self centered I am depressed and living with my MIL would be yet another thing that will cause even more stress in my life.


have you looked at other accommodation? Or is your partner not willing to look at any other options?

we looked into renting until he lost his job. If he finds another job soon we might continue applying to rent. I would consider any type of accomodation, he's the one that is being more selective.




If it's that bad, can you look at government housing or is that not an option? I know how you feel.. I could never live with my mother she'd drive me up the wall...

Could you live there just for a couple of months until your partner got a new job and you could save up a bond and maybe get a place of your own?? I don't think you'd want to be sharing a house with other people once you have the baby.


I do not know how to even begin looking for government housing, but yes I would consider that. I'll consider anything.
He wouldn't live there for a few months, he wants to live there to save enough money to buy a house. Honestly thats going to take a pretty long time considering we do not have much money saved at the moment , plus the expense of having a child.
He said he would stay there at least two years to have enough money and it was pointless to rent, he isn't going to get another chance at getting free rent and no bills so he'll use that chance to buy a house and not to rent.
He does not understand at all how difficult it might be for me to live with my MIL.. the house is the only thing he is worried about.




Currently your options are live in dirty share house or live with MIL. If you are deadset against those choices then you need to come up with a third.

Apply for any jobs you can. My best friend was jobless when she fell pregnant. She's been taking temp jobs for extra money. Gives her references, money and confidence and possible permanent opportunities after the baby arrives.

I also don't understand why if you live with MIL it must be for two years. i'd try to arrange a compromise. If you simply must live with her out of necessity then I would agree on the understanding that you both work towards independence (looking for own place, own jobs) and that you leave as soon as reasonable.

Sometimes the best solution takes time to organise.

If it was me - I'd start signing up to temp agencies immediately, as well as putting in applications with woolies, Coles, Target, govt admin entry level jobs and encourage my partner to do the same. Until something came up, I'd volunteer in offices, lifeline stores, anywhere I could, to get references, show work history and make contacts. It looks good on a resume. I would do anything I could to try make that third option of independence become a reality. I know it can be tough when you're pregnant, but if you really want to avoid the MIL solution then you need to do whatever you can to make a viable alternative.

Good luck. :hugs:

I've been looking for work for the past 5 months with no luck. I've signed up to temp agencies, I've called numerous places, I've handed out my resume in shopping centres. I am not getting hired and i do not understand why. This is the first time i've gone through such a long period of unemployment.
Unemployment is a bit of a touchy subject for me.. sorry...

He wants us to live there for 2 years because he is dead set on saving enough money to buy a decent house. Its absurd. So basically I will have to live with my MIL, in an isolated area, going crazy.. just to buy a house.
I'ld rather not have a house. I'ld rather rent! He doesn't get it.




That sounds like a really tough position to be in. We live with my ILs and when I was emotional and pregnant I really hated it. Since our DD was born nearly 16 months ago it has been the most wonderful thing being able to share the load with them and for our DD to have such a close relationship with her grandparents. If I need to have a shower or hang out washing I can leave her with them and if we want a date night I know that she's with people she feels totally safe with. For me, I find that having my MIL around doesn't sabotage my relationship with my DD at all and only makes me feel supported so that I can be the mother I want to be. It's also put us in a great financial position which means I don't have to work and can be a SAHM with my DD without feeling guilty. They love having us here and we do all the cooking so I feel like we're not a burden as well
Of course, you may not get along with your MIL like that and I can't offer you any advice except to be really open with your DP about your fears and concerns. Just wanted to give another perspective - living with my MIL has been great for our relationship and I'm so grateful to have had this opportunity.
I really hope that you can find a solution that works for you. Being pregnant made me feel really vulnerable so I can imagine how stressed this is making you
thank you, wish things were like this for me.




So no. I've refused. And I've laid on the table I'd rather just separate than go through that mess first. Not as an ultimatum. But, as 'you can, but I never will' I would rather 'date' the father of my children from separate homes than live with my inlaws.


thats pretty much what I've been telling him. "You can go live with your mum and dad if you want but I am not going with you!".
__________________________________________

I've probably missed tons of replies, I do appreciate each and every person that took the time to reply to this thread. Thank you so much for your support and advice.

[trishalishous]

i could also never live with my inlaws again, or my family for that matter!
i love my own privacy and personal space

[karisha]

My Mil lives 10 houses down the road from me. While I don't "actually" live with her - it's not far off.... Sucks (huff and puff here)

[LoCo]

Oh no rollercoaster this is my worst nightmare. I know EXACTLY how you feel. My mil stayed with us for 3 weeks after bub was born and this was BAD enough 2 years would have put me in an institute.
It's your first bub and you want to do it on your own I get that because that's how I was/am. Not everyone is the same. As a pp said the only way out of this pickle is to come up with a better option. Gosh I pray for you because it is so horrible having to go against your own grain. I am so sorry you have to go through this. I would be a mess.