Young first time mum and really struggling.

[donniesweet]

I'm 20 and I have a gorgeous 3 month old DS and an amazing DF but everything still feels like it's falling apart.

It started about a week or two after my birth when I started feeling a little resentful towards my DS and wasn't able to feel a connection with him either. Within two weeks of this happening, feelings started to get worse. I felt like I was in a very deep, black hole and I just couldn't get out. Suicide was a regular part of my thoughts at this time. I struggled with day-to-day things and was only barely able to cope with the baby as my DF took a month off work to stay at home with us. I was extremely irritable and I raged quite often. My temper was very bad at this point.
I felt like I was suffering in every way. Felt insecure about how I looked, the feelings I had towards people I may have disliked heightened to an irrational point, I was frequently very angry, I wasn't me anymore. I was this monster.

Things started to get worse so I made DF to force some help down my throat. Cut the story short, I am having weekly sessions with a psychologist and things have gotten a little better but things still aren't looking up. 3 months have passed and my DF has dealt with so much from me that he's gotten to the point where he can't see any improvement because he doesn't think it's possible after what I've put him through.

So now my relationship is very tense and on the rocks, I am so lost and I'm scared and I don't know what to do anymore.

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[sunnyflower]

:hugs:

[missybubble]

I'm sorry to hear that. Have you been to your GP, or been diagnosed with anything? Definitely sounds like depression. As someone who's suffered from it, the best advice I can give you is to try medication if it's not getting any better. It really does help. Hope you're feeling better soon *hugs*

[made2bAmummy]

Ive been there. Its very hard on your relationship. Can you see your gp and get some medication, plus a referral to join a post natal depression support group?Also if you have any family who can come and help out with small things like minding baby for an hour so you and dp can go for a walk or just hold hands and look into each others eyes. You do need that time away from baby. The first year with your first bub is tge hardest year you will ever have. I promise it gets easier after that. Absulotely promise.Also call your local parenting centre and see if they can tell you about some different techniques to settle your baby. Hugs. Hang in there it will get better if you can get some support. Xx

[AM]

Please do get a proper diagnosis from your GP, there are a lot of things you can do to help, sometimes medication can definitely help when you are as down as you describe, other people will use natural remedies see a naturopath or homeopath etc.

Do you have family or friends close by who can help you with day to day things, people you can chat to, who can give you a rest from bub if you need to sleep etc?

Does your partner understand what is going on with you? It is very important that partners understand post natal depression,as they are an important part in giving you the understanding and support you need to get on top of it.

Take care,

all the best with it... :hugs: (3 time survivor of PND)

[Mummy2aandh]

Hugs hun. As Previous posters have said its really important you see a GP and get a diagnosis and options of a treatment that is right for you. Please PM me if you need a chat - I have PND and am finally starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel xxx

[SugarSkull]

I'm 20 and I have a gorgeous 3 month old DS and an amazing DF but everything still feels like it's falling apart.

It started about a week or two after my birth when I started feeling a little resentful towards my DS and wasn't able to feel a connection with him either. Within two weeks of this happening, feelings started to get worse. I felt like I was in a very deep, black hole and I just couldn't get out. Suicide was a regular part of my thoughts at this time. I struggled with day-to-day things and was only barely able to cope with the baby as my DF took a month off work to stay at home with us. I was extremely irritable and I raged quite often. My temper was very bad at this point.
I felt like I was suffering in every way. Felt insecure about how I looked, the feelings I had towards people I may have disliked heightened to an irrational point, I was frequently very angry, I wasn't me anymore. I was this monster.

Things started to get worse so I made DF to force some help down my throat. Cut the story short, I am having weekly sessions with a psychologist and things have gotten a little better but things still aren't looking up. 3 months have passed and my DF has dealt with so much from me that he's gotten to the point where he can't see any improvement because he doesn't think it's possible after what I've put him through.

So now my relationship is very tense and on the rocks, I am so lost and I'm scared and I don't know what to do anymore.

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*Hugs* You have pretty much told my story. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way and that things are difficult.
Please go see your GP so they can diagnose you & help you with your treatment. You don't need to feel this way because there is help out there.
My story is the same as yours. DH took a day off and practically dragged me to the GP where I was diagnosed with high risk PND and was sent to a psychologist right away. She also gave me a script for Zoloft (an antidepressant.)
I tried to convince myself that I didnt need the drugs or that it was just a phase or hormones.
I started taking my Zoloft, seeing my psychologist and I really began to feel different within a month of taking my AD's and seeing my psych. It took a few months for me to start feeling a connection with DS and to really look at him with love.
Please go see your GP because believe me, things DO get better with the right treatment. You will slowly begin to feel that love for your son and that smile on your face will eventually come back. There will be some days where you will struggle but it's all a part of the journey.
There are people who can help you.

[PurpleButterfly4]

((hugs)) you've done the first few steps to getting better & that's knowing there is something wrong & getting some help. But yes agree with others, please go see your GP to get medication to help you to get better more & stay that way.
All the best!

[haylithan]

Congratulations on taking the first step and getting the help you need, as the other posters have said an accurate diagnosis is essential! Remember you have shown how strong and determined you are to find help as you have reached out on this site.
Please keep talking to anyone you feel to (parner, friends, family) as often just keeping it out there so people know ur feelings can help.:hugs:

[donniesweet]

Thanks so much everyone. All your advice makes me feel a lot better and knowing that I'm not just crazy.

I have been to my GP but he insisted I avoid medication for now so he referred me to a psychologist. It's helping a lot which I am greatful for.

The problem still lies within my relationship. I don't know.. The stress I gave DF when all this started has made him give up and made him so bitter. I understand where he's coming from and he does support me but our relationship is so tense all the time and I just don't know how to fix it. =(

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[AM]

What reason did he give for insisting you avoid medication? Sounds kinda extreme?

[diesal444]

I totally agree with AM. Why wouldnt your gp look into medication. Im sure if you had diabetes or high blood pressure or any other medical condition he would prescribe medication. Its terrific your seeting a psychologist but often that should be combined with other treatments.

[donniesweet]

He wanted to avoid medication because he thought it was best as I was breastfeeding.
I've kind of seen what anti-depressants do but I'd like some other perspectives as well? Anyone able to share their anti-d experiences?

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[SugarSkull]

He wanted to avoid medication because he thought it was best as I was breastfeeding.
I've kind of seen what anti-depressants do but I'd like some other perspectives as well? Anyone able to share their anti-d experiences?

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Some people say that antidepressants make them feel like zombies but that Hasn't been the case for me or for a few people I know that are on Zoloft. I've felt great since being on Zoloft. I feel like normal old me. I feel emotions just like everyone else. The only difference is that the black cloud that was over my head has disappeared. I don't cry over everything, I don't feel angry with the world, DH or DS. I feel like I did before I was a mum. Like me = )

[BrAins]

Going on anti depressant was the best thing I ever did. Did not feel like a zombie, felt normal again. Op, I could have written your post.
It is nothing to feel ashamed about but getting the right treatment is important.

[missybubble]

Anti depressants saved my life. I went back to being myself, was the best thing I ever did too. Sometimes it can take a while to find the right one for you but once you do you won't look back :)

[diesal444]

I went on low dose of zoloft first time round, now this time its zoloft again but a higher dose. As PP have said it really just lifts the horrible black cloud and for me it got rid of the anxiety that was ruling my life. It worked within 2 weeks and i would say i am feeling like my normal self. Im not crying, i feel connected to my children and im functioning!!!

[mrsd]

Sorry, can't share about the medication thing but I'm glad you went to the GP.

I have always found that things can be very tense relationship-wise in the first few months after a baby. You're sleep-deprived, you're sore still (especially if breast-feeding isn't really easy for you - it isn't for me), you're learning to be a mum and remember another person's needs in your house eg. washing, taking longer to go anywhere etc. And your hormones are still all over the place. It's hard work and a steep learning curve but, as others have said, it does get better.

I think that what causes the clashes in relationships at this stage, apart from tiredness and hormones (which are biggies in themselves), is different expectations. Perhaps you could show him parts of this forum where others are having trouble as well so that he knows that it's quite common.

I recommend that you sit down and talk about what you expected parenting and your relationship to be like after your DS was born and how it has matched and hasn't. I'll bet that neither of you will have expected it to be quite like it has been but you will probably both have had different expectations to each other, too. Looking through the other person's eyes is always helpful.

Perhaps you could look at what's positive, too. You have a lovely son and your DF is still there and trying. You could try thinking up little things to make him happy, even if it's just making sure he has his favourite meals, has friends around to watch the footy etc, if you're trying to patch things up.

Hope it all improves for you.