Dad not confident

[cheezelkat]

Today I went to a party without bubba. When DP came back, he was almost on the verge of tears. He said DS screamed the entire time I was gone - so hard he was almost choking. He walked him, rocked him, fed him - and he just cried and cried. His grandparents and aunty tried to soothe him but he was not a happy chappy. When I left him, he had just had a big breastfeed and a nappy change so he should of been OK for a couple of hours.

As soon as DS saw me, he was all happy and smiles again. He didn't even feed until 2 hours later!

DP now thinks he is a failure as a father because he can't soothe him when he's like that.

What things can I do to help improve his confidence?
As a background, he's gone from 6 - 9 most days so doesn't have a lot of "hands on" time with him. Its the weekends where he really plays with him.

[chezbear]

my son is like that with me too he loves being around everyone as long as i am there to, the minute im gone he crys until i come back he wasn't always like that it started about a month ago, I talk to my health care nurse about it on one of her visits and she explained to me that its just a phase that children go thru ( the clingy phase) but as your the main parent (day time) that is who he has become used to having with him at home. I'd just suggest that you explain to your partner or even find a book on babies that has that chapter and let him have a read and it should calm his nerves about it, but apparently it's just something they grow out of eventully.

[reAllytee]

We had a lot of these dramas & some day we still do.
Big :hugs: to you all its really hard going through this i know my DP was heartbroken & kept feeling like a failure its really hard.
I guess the only thing that i can offer is what i told my DP, he just needs to spend as much time as he can with your lo. Lots of cuddles & play time when its possible or even just reading a favourite book before bed. It is really hard but they also go through clingy stages where only mummy will do so no matter what your DP wouldve done it wouldnt have been good enough iykwim.
Just get them to spend more time together hopefully with time things will get better.

[pookiesossige]

:hugs: to you Cheezlekat (It's your DP that really needs them, but that's hardly appropriate! You'll have to pass them on;) ) I really feel sorry for the guys sometimes, that's one of the really heartbreaking things that they often have to deal with. I don't really have any advice, but want you to know that the dads who are around from 5 every evening, and hang out with the kids in the morning.... well, often all bubs want is mum- even then. So take heart- it has nothing to do with bubs- just the developments stage that he's in and the fact that you are his primary carer at the moment. It all changes very soon- trust me! He'll be daddy's boy before too long and you'll feel a tad left out and wanting your special baby-mummy relationship back! :yes: :hugs:

[Niki]

ds went throu the exact same thing, its hard isnt it wen they dont wana just stay with their daddy by themselves..it used to reall uoset my df and i didnt know wat to do, so i just started leaving them in the other room together more and more and letting df bath him and dress him and now ds is fine with df except wen he is sick all he wants is me

[SassyMummy]

DD certainly has her preferences, and has for quite some time. It's me all the way - she can only stand other people for a short amount of time.

I don't KNOW why kids are like this, but I think it's because (generally) the mother is the person who spends the most time with the baby. They learn together...mother learns what "this cry" means, and baby learns that mother can do a, b or c to soothe them. There's no point (in their minds), to bother with other people.

I remember reading in a baby book, that babies aren't really social creatures (as in, they don't feel the need to socialise), and after a while, they learn who their primary care-givers are, and know that they can rely on these people to provide them with whatever they need.

Your son probably recognises you as the one who takes care of his needs...his father is just "some guy" that's there some of the time. He probably realises that, while his Dad MAY meet his demands SOME of the time, he's not sure that he can trust him 100%. He knows that he can rely on you...so that's why he feels unsafe when you're not around. He's not sure if anyone else can meet his demands like you will.

DD is getting better with her Daddy with age... I think it's easier for the both of them. As DD has gotten older, she's more "interactive", so more "fun" for her father. She's also a little bit more independent, so he doesn't feel so awkward with her. She also enjoys social playing more than she used to...so she enjoys her Dad chasing her around the house and the like. They can play together now, whereas before, they couldn't so much.

I remember reading a thread recently where a lot of 2-3 year old kids had a preference for Dad, and didn't really want their mothers that much. Since there were quite a number of mums saying that was the case with them, perhaps it's a stage. Maybe your bub will just oneday "prefer" Daddy (and then he'll definately feel loved!).

[reAllytee]

Oh yes Stacey makes a good point there !
I have to say with Boof he now sees Daddy as the "fun" person lol so they play & roll around & just do stupid things together whereas im the one who soothes the soul if we have fallen over or bumped our head otherwise Mama is mean because she is always the one saying "No!" lol :rolleyes:
So things will change with your lo it just takes time & patience from everyone plus a lot of love ! ( which of course you all have :) )

[shed]

Cheezelkat, from the books I have read your baby is smack-bang in the middle of the clingy phase, therefore what happened is completely NORMAL and has nothing to do with your DP.

How awful for both of you. Its just something that happens, but its nice to know your baby is developing normally if thats any comfort?

[cheezelkat]

Thankyou so much everyone :hugs:

I'm printing all this off to show DP tonight. It's prety rough to be the Dad some times!

It's good to know this is a normal stage and won't last forever. Thankyou all again :)