View Full Version : Plucking up the courage to ttc after miscarriage
Hi gals, back in feb I miscarried at 12 weeks. First pregnancy, first miscarriage. Anyhow at the time I was super busy at work and basically just pushed through for the last 4 weeks.
I felt I was doing pretty well until bam, last weekend I got my first period since and geez that put me in a super down mood. Unfortunately it made me do a lot of dwelling and since I cant get it out of my mind and I'm stressing about ttc in the future!
All the fears of what if it happens again? How will I not stress during the next pregnancy? I wanna give myself time to recover but even that stresses me out as I'm 32 and my fiancé is 42 and I feel like we don't have time to wait because of our ages!
To make matters worse one of my employees announced she was 12 weeks preg this week and woah that made me sad and jealous, then I felt heaps bad that I wasn't being excited for her...
How do you all get past these fears and find the strength to take the leap and ttc again?
Very similar stories but mine happened last year. First time trying and everything. I'm 34 and DH is 42 so also feel the pressure ticking.
Also had someone announce pregnancy at work and felt all the same emotions. My first AF after m/c sucked too. I can sympathize with where you're at.
We TTC at the moment. Am in the TWW. I'm terrified a test will show either positive or negative. I'm just kind of going to myself whatever happens happens. It's very scary. I wish I had some advice but all I can say is I know how it can feel. Just try being positive and looking forward. I like reading all the success stories on here of mc that after went on to have happy healthy babies. They make me have hope.
Good luck. I'm sorry you've lost a baby. Big big hugs.
Firstly HUGE :hugs: to the both of you ladies.
Secondly, I also lost my first pregnancy at almost 12 weeks just over two weeks ago so i can understand your feelings. I had a D&C and thought I was fine for the first week and then into the second week .. BAM! All these horrible feelings started to hit where I was blaming my body feeling that it failed me (I found out after the missed miscarriage that I am Vitamin D deficient which was likely to have caused my recurring bacterial vaginosis infections while I was pregnant and could have been one of the causes of my little angel passing away), I blamed God and told Him I hated him but I mostly blamed myself for one reason or another. How could I not have known my little bubba had died almost 5 weeks before I found out?? Anyway, I wasn't in a good place at all :(.
i went and saw my regular counsellor two days ago and she has a knack for getting me back on track. I don't know how she does it but she does. All I can suggest is that maybe the questions/fears will never go away but you can choose how you react to it. That's all you can do. Easier said than done you say? Well not really ... I absolutely hated with a passion seeing any pregnant women. I was secretly cursing them and wishing it was me that was pregnant. Last night my DH and I went late night shopping and for the first time in over 2 weeks I didn't feel that desperation I was feeling when I saw a pregnant women. I was able to look at her and rather than feel down and say to myself, "I wish that was me" instead I looked at her and was able to change my reaction to it. Instead I said to myself, "That will be me again but this time I will carry to full term". I know it sounds incredibly simple and maybe even silly, but it really does help. It's all about how you choose to react and what you choose to say to yourself.
As for your question what if it happens again? Well what if? What can you possibly do about it? You are not responsible for your miscarriage and you can not ever be responsible for another one if you were to have one again. There is nothing that you did that caused it and there is nothing you can do to prevent one. I can't promise you that you won't have another one, but I can promise you that if you can fall pregnant (which you obviously did ;)) then you've conquered half the battle and that is awesome!
You'll know when the right time TTC again will be. For me it was straight away. I healed extremely well physically and I want to be pregnant again. Not to replace my little angel that passed as that can never happen, but to complete our family. DH is almost 40 and I have that ache in my arms and that longing in my heart to hold my own bubba and I know it will happen for me as I'm sure it will happen for you. :smiliedance:
I know that being positive is hard. God knows up until I had my session with my counsellor I was all kinds of negative but she made me see that I'm not doing myself any good by thinking that way. I can't control the outcome of any future pregnancy, I can only do all the right things by my baby and my body and hope for the best. If we were unfortunate enough to lose the next pregnancy well then we just try again. It's not my fault. It's not DH's fault. It's nature unfortunately ... I like to think that my baby saved me. This is going to sound really silly but as I mentioned I had severe bacterial vaginosis and recurrent UTI's 12 months prior to my pregnancy and all through my pregnany. I was at my wits end and felt out of options. I had seen ever specialist you can possibly imagine and no one could help me or tell me what was wrong with me. I prayed for a miracle to find some answers and then I lost my baby. I was devastated but after the D&C every single symptom I had of these infections has disappeared. Two weeks on and my various disturbing symptoms are still completely gone and my tests are normal. Doctor can't explain it but I can .. my little angel saved me .. it's just unfortunate he had to pass away to do that. That's why I call him my little :angel:
I guess I'm just trying to make the best of a crappy situation and it's certainly made me reevaluate my priorites. I desperately wanted a boy and admitted I would be disappointed if I had a girl. after what's happened, I sincerely don't care. Boy or girl I will be stoked either way and I really mean that.
Try to find your silver lining as hard as that may be .. guaranteed your little angel would want you to ;)
:babydust1: to the both of you!
Hi! I'm sorry about your loss and everything your going through! It's a rough business sometimes!
I lost my first baby at 10 weeks in a missed m/c. Everywhere I looked at work there were pregnant people and we had a family member announce her pregnancy and we would have had the same due date. I was very jealous of them all and couldn't stand to look at them some days. I think it's a very normal part of the grieving process.
We now have a gorgeous DD and I am 23 weeks pregnant with my next one. The first 12 weeks are stressful and you do worry a lot but it's all worth it in the end. You just have to keep telling yourself that the odds are in your favour and majority of people go on to have healthy pregnancies. An understanding DH helps too!!
Having DD was the best healer for the pain that I felt with the m/c. I still mourned the loss but it no longer tears me apart.
Hi gals, thank you so much for taking the time to reply and I'm so sorry to hear of your losses too.
FirstTimeMummy, the advice makes total sense, thank you:-) Simple but effective... I think it's going to take practice to put into action for me but it sounds right, I need to change that perspective and bring back my positive inner voice which usually does a great job when it's not being bombarded and stressed to the max!
I guess I have to remember to go easy on myself... It's ok to feel feelings of anger and jealousy and be sad whilst still grieving. Give it time, time is a great healer...
Thanks for the encouraging words, lots of hugs xx
Sorry you had to go through what you have. We too lost our first bub, just past 12wks. I don't think any amount of time will ever take away the anxiety-goodness, I am due to give birth any day now and still am a little anxious something will go wrong. You certainly don't have naivity the next time round.
I have a very supportive gp who sent me for extra scans (ours was a missed m/c so we were always scared that something had gone wrong without us knowing), so this may be one way of relieving your fears when you are expecting again.
It is really tough when you get that next positive, I cried and was shaking through pure fear when when we found out, then spent the first half of the pregnancy worried out of my mind. Even being through it, I can't say how best to deal with it apart from *trying* to keep positive. Sending you lots of wishes when you do decide the time is right :)
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I think it's a really daunting, I got pregnant really easily our first try and we were so happy only to have at our first scan a sad experience with them finding nobody in lovely little sac then another ultrasound confirmed a blighted ovum which ended in my booking in for a D & C but starting miscarry naturally just before.
I was so happy to get AF back 35 days later which was my usual cycle, I was over the moon actually! Just because I felt like my body had recovered and we could start again however in the days leading up to using OPKs and the thought of trying for a baby in a way to replace what we didn't get the first time round I was suddenly terrified.
It makes it so much worse as when you're TTC and it isn't going to plan the world basically goes and falls pregnant, everyone you know is putting ultrasound pictures on Facebook or adding pregnancy count downs for everyone to see. You run into the servo to buy milk and there will be 3 pregnant woman waiting in the line before you just because you are not pregnant, it's like the universe has a laugh at your expense!
My SIL was due 5 days after my due date, in the early days we'd laughed about spending Christmas all fat and at the beach so when Christmas came around I found that very awkward and I think she did too. I had my due date come and go for my angel baby recently and it was hard. I honestly think what got me through it was that I'm now 15 weeks pregnant and feel very good about it.
There is no magic cure and I'm sorry but when you fall pregnant you'll probably worry about every tweak and twinge, every light cramp will be worse than it is and the saddest thing I find for me was I was convinced I was going to miscarry and I wouldn't enjoy my pregnancy, just couldn't let myself even though I think deep down I had a little feeling baby and I were/are going to be ok. At my 12 week ultrasound I felt amazing and now probably being over sensitive having a Doppler at home makes me feel good too.
I'm really sorry for your loss and sorry for how you're feeling but I hope you find the courage to try again and I sincerely hope you fall pregnant with a sticky but who at the end of a beautifully, healthy pregnancy comes into this world to be with you. :hugs:
Thank you Michellek & Stubborn Ox for the replies... I guess I'm figuring out that my fears are pretty natural and that we all go through them, which is weirdly comforting, so thank you for sharing I really appreciate it:-)
I had a moment of clarity today... I was out playing sport and my mum and dad were there watching. Just their support and the awesome relationship I have with them made me realize that I dream of having the same one day with my own child. I have a new resolve that I cant give up or in to my fears about trying to conceive again, otherwise I think I'll really regret what could've been.
That's my positive catch cry for when that scared little voice pops up in my head with all the what ifs!
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