Attitudes to being an "older" parent

[SixtiesChild]

I am 39 and am told that I don't really look my age- not that this even matters. When I have my baby in March next year, I will be 40.
When I told my mother in law that I am expecting our second child, she responded with, "I thought you were too old to have a baby"
Funny thing is she had one herself when she was 40. I was beside myself and caught off guard and didn't know how to respond to this ubsurd comment.

I would be interested in hearing other people's good and bad experiences of being an "older" parent. Especially the attitudes and comments of others.

[peterpan]

Hi Nadia,
I am a first time mum at the age of 35 to a boy who is 4mths now,
when I was in the hospital one of the MW said to me oh I hope you are'nt going
to have any more at your age?????
We plan on having one more and I hope I get to see her.
There is no way that you are to old to be having your 2nd baby
hold your head up high and be proud to be am older mum
i am......

Angela
David (DH)
Peter (DS) 4mths

[drewid]

My own theory is that the body will continue to let you fall pregnant until *it* decides that its no longer in your best interest.

So.....if you are capable of falling pregnant naturally at any age, then you can't be too old!

(And for those who can't conceive naturally the same goes with IVF - if you are past 'natural' childbearing age, then thats what I personally would consider *too old*)

What gets my goat is when genuinely old women conceive using all the modern technology - like that old european lady on the news a few months back who was like 70 or something? Can't remember her age, but thought it was a bit outrageous...

Anyway not meaning to offend anyone, live and let live! Literally......! :D

[Nickster]

G'day Nadia,
I think you're doing extremely well! The only downside I have experienced to being an "older parent" (I'm 35 - does that REALLY make me an "older parent" - I don't FEEL "old") is that the sleep deprivation is possibly worse than it may have been if I had had my DD in my 20's. However, that was not my choice, because I didn't meet my lovely DH until I was 29!
My MIL recently asked DH if we were going to have any more children. He joked that we probably weren't at this stage unless it was an extreme accident (we really haven't decided yet). She then said "Oh, well, that's probably a good thing, I mean, you're both getting on..." :eek:
Bring on the walking frame!

[Miaow]

Im 40 and due in 6 weeks with my 1st but so far have been pretty healthy (apart from my hips being sore). I havent had too many comments about my age but I do look a little younger than I am I've been told.

I was at a bbq recently where there was another 40 yo that was TTC and from what my friend said I gave her more hope cause of my age that she could cause she was worried she might be too old.

It seems to be more common recently that people are having babies in their 40's.

I Think of it this way that were are more settled now than we would have been earlier on :)

[JanetF]

I'll be 37 in December and tbh it wasn't until I came to bubhub that I found women commenting on age and parenthood. I run my own forums and mod two others and it has never come up there. Age is just really unimportant and being in your 30s ain't old! Really it's most puzzling to me. In Australia nowadays most women aren't breeding until their late 20s and early 30s. What's the big deal? :rolleyes:

[Sharlee]

Hi ladies

Wow, am I glad I found you ladies :D I am 41 and had my DS at 38 and my DD at 40 (she is now almost 6 months old). I keep hearing comments about older mums and when I ask them (those who comment) how old do you think I am? They think I'm in my mid 30's - then they try to back track.

From my experience, age is irrelevant. I would pefer a mother or carer than loves her children than a younger, or mum of any age. My mother was young when she had me and she never really wanted me and showed me any love.

I had my kids by IVF and would have had them younger but could not afford to. I think waiting has worked in our favour as we are more settled.

Look forward to seeing you ladies around.

[Chickadee]

I've never had any negative comments made about my age as a mum, or positive comments for that matter. At 33 when I had DD I don't think I'm out of the ordinary.

My only concern or regret about waiting so long has been a personal one. My parents were older when they had me (mom and dad 36 & 40 respectively) and my dad was born late in his family too. So my grandparents had mostly passed away before I turned 10 and I don't remember them very well. I'd have liked to have had my kids younger so they they would know my parents, their grans, better than I did. But then, we're now an ocean apart so I suppose it doesn't matter after all.

[draught]

I agree with JanetF - this is one of the few places where I am referred to as an older mother! I have a lot of friends with children who are similar ages to mine and several friends who are up to 8 years older than me with children similar ages to mine (I am nearly 37).

Having said that I did have an interesting discussion with a friend a while ago whose doctor had told her that she better get a move on and have her second child as she was running out of time - and she is about 5 years younger than me! As I was pregnant at the time I found that statement really odd but my friend was taking it quite seriously. Oh well - my main problem now is convincing DH to try for a third - and age has nothing to do with it!

[flower]

JanetF..what is your avatar??
Its looks like the cross section of a pelvis?? :eek:
Whoops...hope NOT to offend but??
O's mom.

[Sharlee]

Now you've got me wondering kevinbudgie :confused: It does kind of look like a hair follicle too with multiply blue hairs coming out of it. :cool:

[Sharlee]

Maybe it's a blue-haired pig holdiing it's ears

[wattle]

A white tampon with a beak?

[Sharlee]

Lol at you ladies. Is your tampon's name really Kevin and does he have any friends...like Aunt Flo? :D He'd probably know her well.

I'm sorry too JanetF.

[wattle]

Hmmm, must be why undies are sometimes referred to as budgie smuglers.... although I thought that was mens underwear. Now that's confusing.

[kaydensmum]

I haven't had any comments re my age, mayb they say them behind my back!!!! I do consider myself an older mum (ime 43) & with an active 11mth old, am feeling pretty tired (ime off to the doctor tomorrow as i can't shake a sore throat ive had for a month & ime feeling extremely tired). Surprisingly, most of our friends are encouraging us to try for another one :eek: but health reasons are going to prevent us. Ive been told I look a lot younger - I really feel the age thing when ive had a few nights of broken sleep. However, quite a few 30 old mums that I know say the same thing???? It wasn't that long ag that women were having 4 - 10 children each & ime sure a lot of them didn't stop just cos they turned 40. As someone said previously, maybe 'too old' is when your body can't conceive!!!


Carole.

[ThomasMum]

Oh well if being 36 mean old-er....i say bring it on baby! he he

Coz...I might be older, but am smart-er, wise-r, cute-r, funni-er, happi-er and many more positive+er!

Oh I should add that it took me 2 weeks only to fall pregnant after years on pills!

:D

[JanetF]

My avatar is a print by the US artist Judy Chicago http://www.judychicago.com/

It's called "The Crowning" because it's a naked woman squatting and pushing out a baby.

:D

[red crayon]

i'm 38 with an 8 month old and I haven't had any comments about my age since having him. my parents are just happy i finally got around to having their first grandchild. the only time my age has ever been raised as an issue was when i visited my doctor (a woman) when i was ttc and was missing periods. she went on and on about my age and by the time i left i was thoroughly depressed. like many of older mums, the tiredness is what really gets me...oh, for 8 hours sleep.

[lexi'smum]

HI ladies,
Iam not sure if i should be writing to this post, but I was just reading all of your comments, and I would like to add in reply to some of them,being a younger mum, we also cop ALOT of un needed criticism, and I just want to say that just because we are young does not mean we dont want or love our children nor are we any less experienced or mature enough to bring up a child. Just to the comment about dont you have homework to do, alot of mothers old or young, myself included are still or returning to study,just because we are younger doesnt mean we are less.I feel age has nothing to do with it, and everyone knows themselves better then anyone else and when your ready your ready,regardless of age.
I hope I havnt offended anyone, not having a go at any one inparticular, just wanted to express my opinion.Guess Ive copped alot lately sorry.
With age does come knowledge and experience,but with children, (no matter what age you are) comes alot more...

[Chickadee]

lexismum: I'm reading between the lines.
Are your unhappy with the way we make fun at the youngsters??
FUN??
Explain really what it is beacuse I'm thinking you might be holding back?
Am I right?
O's mom.

Did we make fun of younger mums in here or put them down? I had to go back and reread the thread but couldn't find anything. If anything there was general agreement that age makes no difference and that being told we're too old is a bunch of nonsense. Lexi's mum, I know you've probably gotten a lot of nasty comments about being a younger mum, but I would hope not on Bubhub.

[ThomasMum]

i have to agree with O's mum and MarthaM, lexi'smum...

where?

how?

what the?

:p

[j&k'smum]

Lexi'smum
I think you may have misunderstood what was meant by the comment of "don't you have homework to do". I think the point was that people who make the comments of age re having babies need to grow up. In no way was it intended to be directed at young mothers.
Young or old, single or married, we all at some point get flack for something we are, arent,should, shouldn't be doing. There is always someone out there who is going to judge us.
The lesson I think is to accept your self and your life and not care at all what others think. You know why you are where you are and you don't have to explain to anyone.
Its easy to misread things and take things to heart. Its ok. Just know that no-one was judging you... :)

[JacquiB]

Hi,

I'm new here - 10 weeks pregnant and utterly confused (in general - just getting appointments etc together now and a bit panicky).
I wanted to read this thread because, at 32, I've been getting mixed messages about whether I am in fact an 'older' first timer. I would have thought definitely not and to be honest - and in support of lexi - I have to admit that the extreme youth of some of the posters here has freaked me out quite a lot. 18 to me seems - well, just really really really young. Again, I know that it's not true that young mothers are less or bad or anything, just I can't even begin to imagine it based on my experience. If only for financial reasons. So that's probably some kind of culture shock and also probably a prejudice, for which I apologise. I can see very young mothers getting a lot of flack. There are connotations of irresponsibility and accidents and not being able to support oneself and yes, I'm sure that's completely not the case in many situation.
Most of my friends and contemporaries didn't start having kids - if they even have started yet - until their late 20s, more than half were in their early thirties and one friend who had one at 24 is generally regarded as having been really young, unsettled etc when she did, though she's fine and the whole angle is pretty annoying for her. I actually hadn't planned to try until around 35 - this was a bit of an accident, though I am very happy and excited.
I also think the whole 'breed breed breed! you're in your 30s, it's almost too late', Bridget Jones backlash is extremely oppressive (and boring) and quite sexist. Granted it's harder to conceive the further you get past whatever age they reckon it is at any given time, but they should leave it at that, and in any case, it's clearly very individual.
Have lost track of my point, somewhat... I don't know what I"m going to do when the real pregnancy vaguenss kicks in. I'm already barely cogent.

[Chickadee]

Welcome to Bubhub Jacqui :) There is also a thread somewhere about exactly what you and Lexi have brought up, that young mums get a lot of undeserved abuse about their age. It's interesting reading and certainly made me realise I have the same prejudice sometimes. We can only strive to be better :)

As to this...

I don't know what I"m going to do when the real pregnancy vaguenss kicks in. I'm already barely cogent.I'm afraid I have to warn you that it gets no better after the baby is born. Baby brain seems to be a semi-permanent condition!

[lexi'smum]

I am sorry ladies, I think i got the wrong impression by your posts, i was not holding back on anything. i didnt mean to join in on your forum and cause hatred, you are right, you didnt make fun of us, I just misread things like having a young mum that didnt show any love, (and i do understand, this is a certain persons circumstance and not every ones opinion )& the school work thing which J&K's mum so kindly cleared up for me,i no no one was judging me and i am sorry for my misunderstanding.

[JacquiB]

I reread my post and you're kind to respond - what a muddle.
I hope my brain doesn't go all together, I'll have to pad the walls.

Lexi'sMum - just wanted to clarify that what I was trying to say to you earlier is that although (from what I read) I really don't think anyone in this thread meant to be disrespectful of young mothers, I can believe that many people routinely are as I know there is prejudice and I can completely understand why you might be a bit sensitive.
You shouldn't feel you need to apologise for speaking your mind - especially on a forum like this designed to be a safe space for discussion.
You did so politely and in general, you had a good point to make, even though you may have misunderstood the individuals here. .
Anyway, I'll babble off now.

Cheers, all.

[draught]

JacquiB
Welcome to our humble home away from home (well - certainly for MarthaM and I who seem to hang out here more than we should!). I don't think you rambled on at all - and Martha is right - the vagueness is here to stay. The good thing is that it affects all of us, so we can still communicate as we are all as vague as each other. It has taken me a couple of years to adjust to the loss of my short term memory but I still hold down a job so I must be coping better these days!


And Lexi - don't worry - most of us are too busy trying to remember what it is that we are meant to be doing to worry about either judging you or holding it against you! And as for your comment - "With age does come knowledge and experience, but with children, (no matter what age you are) comes alot more..." Well - I couldn't have put it better myself!!

[Chickadee]

Home away from home. Good description Theresa. I need a life :rolleyes: Or at least to figure out how to hide the post count!!

[ThomasMum]

Hey lexi'smum, that's cool.

Because I would never ever make fun/joke/look down to any mums out there regardless their age, status and so on because parenthood is not something to joke about, it is not an easy peasy type of work...

Enjoy parenthood, but do enjoy life at the same time if you know what i mean, dont worry there will be always negative people out there who said nasty things about anything-anything! :)

Thomas's Mum

[ThomasMum]

Home away from home. Good description Theresa. I need a life :rolleyes: Or at least to figure out how to hide the post count!!

Hey don't worry MarthaM, you've been here longer than me but look at my post count!

:o

[SixtiesChild]

Thanks to all of you for your response to my question.
It was interesting to read about various comments and attitudes and I am relieved that these are not confined to only myself.
Thanks again....and yes I will hold my head up as a proud "older" mother.

[carls]

Just for the record - I think 30-40 is a great age to have kids - youve done more with your life, are wiser and more settled (in my opinion) - and you have my respect!! I think its a perfect age to have kids and you're setting a good example to girls having kids who are barely out of nappies themselves. :)

[axeliz]

...
(And for those who can't conceive naturally the same goes with IVF - if you are past 'natural' childbearing age, then thats what I personally would consider *too old*)...Anyway not meaning to offend anyone, live and let live! Literally......! :D

Hey! There are lots of us who have had to try IVF because nothing else worked, and we didn't decide to do it lightly either!! One of the main reasons why couples are infertile these days (15% will experience infertility in some form) is that the environment in which we live is SO toxic!!

Just take a look at the Francesca Naish info at;

www.fertility.com.au and http://www.foresight-preconception.org.uk/home-page.html

So it's not all to do with age, although that does come into it of course.

Cheers,
Anne

[ChristineM]

Hi to all mums,
I had my first child when I was 22, my second when I was 24 & my third when I was 27, obviously a very busy time and I loved it. I am now 41 and my fourth daugther is 8mths old. I was 40 when she was born. I am loving being a mum to a young baby again but this time it is different. I am more mature, more confident and with 3 teenage daughters I certainly know what is ahead of me. When my new partner & I decided to have a baby we new people would be shocked but they were also very happy for us. I did get tired of people asking if it was and "accident" actually it made me angry that they assumed that it was. Far from the truth. I agree with the mum who said if your body is able. I stopped using contraception and fell pregnant within 3 mths with my new, much quicker than with the first three.
I did have 3 very quick, easy labours the first three times and a long, difficult labourer with the last but hey,,,,I was 40!

People should not be so quick to judge others by what suits themselves..
Christine

[Sharlee]

Hi and well said Christine. I had that arguement on another BB :o

Can someone please tell me what is the "natural child bearing age"? :confused: Is it from when your period first starts....say as young as 10 until menopause? So does that mean a grandma is unable to rear a child as good as a teenager? :rolleyes:

[aardvark]

One of the main reasons why couples are infertile these days (15% will experience infertility in some form) is that the environment in which we live is SO toxic!!


I'll second that.

It took me over 18 months in my early 20's to fall pregnant with #1. It took me over 6 months in my mid thirties to fall pregnant with #2, and I finally managed to when I bought an ovulation test kit.

Now at age 39, I caught first time we tried.

We swapped to an organic diet 12 months prior to that, and went about replacing most of our cleaning chemicals etc with natural alternatives. My health improved out of sight after making the change, and I am sure it has had at least something to do with how easily I fell pregnant this time.

[drewid]

Can someone please tell me what is the "natural child bearing age"? :confused: Is it from when your period first starts....say as young as 10 until menopause? So does that mean a grandma is unable to rear a child as good as a teenager? :rolleyes:

Natural child-bearing age is just whatever age your body is doing what it does to be able to fall pregnant. So yeah, when your period first starts to when it disappears. Its the body's natural way of saying 'hey, you have the ability to make a baby now'.

It does not at ALL mean that a grandma is not able to rear a child as well as a teenager! The ability to RAISE a child and the ability to give BIRTH to a child are not at all related!! Look at all the fabulous foster and adoptive parents out there!

[elle101]

I just wanted to say that its great your choosing to have a child, and your age should not be scruitinized by anyone. The fact that your in your 30's is a great thing! :D You can offer your child so much.

Some people meet their partners older, some younger, some want to do things like travel and work, others don't or will do them at the same time as having their child.

Your choice is not selfish or unhealthy at all, it is whats right for you and your family. Stereotypes about young and older mums are soooo destructive IMO, they make everyone feel bad and certainly don't help when you have already had the baby and people throw these judgements at you. How can someone determine what kind of person and mother you are based on their age? Our lives are as different and diverse as the amount of people in the world.

It doesn't matter what age you are we are all mums and should be accepted for that not because we fill someone's criteria of the correct age to have a child. It's like your damned if you do and your damned if you don't (have children young or old I mean ;) ) .


BTW, my mum had me when she was 40, and my oldest brother at 20, and 2 in between. There were ups and downs to each. One good thing she said about being an older mum was that it made her more relaxed with the baby. She thought my older brother had "colic" cos of the stress of her not knowing what to do.

So anyways go all you mums! (younger and older)

xo
elle