When our disabled/developmentally delayed children play up in public

[RuthK]

Hi

I have to vent my frustration on a matter that has been getting worse recently, and one which I'm sure some of you can identify with.

My 4 y.o. boy has mild autism. He's attending a early intervention pre-school and has come along brilliantly in his fine motor and speech development since commencing there. But he has also picked up some not so delightful habits, including making very annoying loud noises at inappropriate times and bullying (it may not be the school's fault, perhaps just the development of his disorder, but nonetheless it's happening).

I always try to do social things like food shopping when he's at school, but sometimes that doesn't always fit in and along he comes. And he plays up like there's no tomorrow! Yelling, hitting his siblings, running off, pulling items off the shelves, generally acting like the 2 year old he isn't. And he knows well enough that he is doing something wrong, it's his way of getting my attention.

Accordingly, when I reprimand him I'm very stern, not at all the 'let's discuss it diplomatically' type of mummy, as I know that will have no effect on him.

What irates me is that so many people around me look at me as if I'm either certifiable or should have my children taken off me. I don't want to have to say to everyone, 'He's autistic, this is the only way I can handle him', as it is none of their business. But neither should I be subjected to their nasty stares and backhanded comments.

I just wish that they had my son for a day and then they might not be so judgemental and more understanding of me.

R

[Foxy]

Hugs to you! :hugs: I guess most people just don't understand and it makes them feel superior to judge others!

I must admit before I had a child, I was a bit judgmental myself, although this was always internal, I would never have let anyone else know what I was thinking. :o Nowdays, if I see a mum who has to cope with a tantrum etc, I always give them a sympathetic smile so they know they are not alone.

I know it's easier said than done, but try to ignore them and if you're feeling really mad tell them if they have to watch then buy a ticket! :laughing:

[Can I?]

I hear you on the supermarket thing. My 4 year old is also mildly autistic and I just don't take him to the supermarket. The end. If I can't go without him, I don't go. His behaviour is outrageous at times, and it is just an excercise in frustration and danger.

Does your son have some sensory issues? For my DS shopping centres and supermarkets are just too busy for him, and he doesn't cope. The noise, lights, people, colours, music, smells - he can't manage it. He has auditory processing issues, so he can't filter my voice out from the background noise, so I can't expect him to follow directions. He tries to escape this stimuli by either engaging in self stimulating behaviour (running, flapping his arms, humming, singing or shrieking) or by simply trying to run away from it. Neither option is particularly good. :o

So we stopped taking him. We take him to the corner store or walk through the shopping centre quickly, to try to get him used to these type of situations without stressing anyone out too much. It seems to be slowly working. :)

As for the looks people give us well - they can get stuffed as far as I am concerned. I have had a few comments, but I generally ignore it, or just smile and keep on going. We were given some cards by our early intervention centre that say "Try to understand - my child has an Autism Spectrum Diorder. This is a lifelong disability for which there is no known cause. ASD affects my child's ability to communicate, learn and interact with others." The idea is that you give them to people who are rude, or whatever to avoid a confrontation. I have only given one to a lady who was trying to talk to my son, and not really succeeding. She said to me that I should teach him to be more polite, so I handed her the card and walked off. Hopefully she learnt something.

Hang in there it will get better. :hugs:

[RuthK]

Those cards are a brilliant idea.

I'm not sure if my son has trouble with busy places, although now I think about it, he does seem to react more frustratingly when we are out in public.

We're becoming aware that he's actually highly intelligent, except socially, which can almost be worse than the opposite, as he can manipulate situations in a way that totally throws you.

I'll be fascinated to get a formal diagnosis as to where on the spectrum he falls.

[Supermum]

"Try to understand - my child has an Autism Spectrum Diorder. This is a lifelong disability for which there is no known cause. ASD affects my child's ability to communicate, learn and interact with others."
This is a fabulous idea and really, who needs to go into the intracasies of a complex disorder when you are trying to deal with your child in a public place! Hand over the card and walk away. Makes them think I bet. I recently went to an indoor play centre and there was one child in particular who I was watching as he was doing the same thing over and over again. I suspected he was autistic but said nothing. A few moments after he'd knee'd my daughter in the back, a girl of 7 or 8 came up to me and said "Please excuse my brother, he has autism and he really doesn't know any better". I thanked her with a smile. It was very sweet of her to do that. But the card is such a simple and effective way of handling undue judgement without saying a word.

[angelskies]

another good option i have found is autism shirts, or transfers. A lot of the time sadly the public and peoples attitudes are the hardest part of having a child with SNs *sighs*

[mummyof5]

I hear you ladies. I have to watch my DS around animals, as he will be softly, softly, then suddenly grab the animal (including the dog he walks past in the street, at the park, etc) by the ear, back hair, anywhere. He is so quick!! People say "the dog won't hurt him", when all I am worried about is the pain he will inflict on the dog!!:eek:
He and his little sister (both delayed, with suspected fragile X syndrome) will try to kill each other in the pram (DS is still tiny so still goes in there) or the shopping trolley, and I hear people tutt tutting under their breath as they walk past. I have learnt to just try and ignore them these days. UNfortunately as DH is not always home, going out without DS is not always an option, though I do try to avoid the weekly shop with him as much as possible. Maybe I should make up a card with an invitation to come spend a day in my life for all who want to pass judgement!!:D

[Jacks Mummy]

Yes the judgements and comments are great arnt they. I get tired of having to explain myself over and over again. I sound like a broken record.

[vikki a]

Hi, My 10yr old has A.S. and i have some of those cards too. I think Autism QLD gave them to me, they are a great idea. I'm good at ignoring people coments, I don't give a rats what they think of me and my children. I know he can't help it!!
I found that they were handy for his grandparents, i gave them a card so they could understand, and also when he's out with them they could use it. i find he plays up more when he's out with them, because they don't take the time to let him know whats going to happen etc...They just don't get how stressful it can be for him.