MIL or Daycare?

[Mischief]

Okay, its already decided that my MIL with watch Oliver when I return to work 2 days per week in December.

But.....

Would you prefer your bub to be in daycare or with your MIL? And WHY?

Understanding that I have not had a great relationship with my MIL. I would prefer daycare, but my hubby really feels that it would be better for Oliver to have one on one care, and I respect his decision, even though I have told him why I dont feel its a good idea.

[BlessedWithBlue]

Well for us my choice would be MIL2b. My reason, the kids absolutely adore her and she loves having them. We have a good relationship with her and she respects our wishes as parents.
Umm if we didn't have such a good relationship with df's mum i would maybe try one day at mil's and one day at day care iykwim??

[Mischief]

Unfortunately most daycare centers down here prefer if you use them at least 2 days per week. :(

I know MIL doesnt respect my decisions as a parent. Including having DS on a routine. But she has told Steven she will follow our routine, ect. So I really hope it works out.

I still feel so nervous and worry that she will fall out with us over something and I will be stuck for care.

[poshBecks]

To me it all depends on the age of the child. Under 18mths MIL, older than that, daycare.

[Niki]

i couldnt leave jake with my MIL, she doesnt know wats she is doing for a start, she doesnt let jake sit on the floor she has to hold him the whole time, he can only have soft rubber books to play with......and becoz she critises my parentign i coudlnt do it. i would rather put ds into childcare or find a friend to babysit him

[SammieSnail]

Oh gee that's a hard one Kat.

My DH feels the same about my mum so I too have been tossing around the idea in my head.

Could you maybe get her to start with the routine a few weeks before you start work so that if there are problems you will have time to find an alternative?

[CJJHRA]

not that my MIL would, shes too busy with her own life, I think I would prefer bubs to go to her, less illnesses, therefore less time off work, and they get to build a great relationship, where the bubs as they grow, if they cant go to mum and dad for advice, then they hopefully can go to nanna.. as long as there was no smoking around baby, and no smacking, and bubs seemed to be happy, I wouldnt worry too much about if her routine was different.. I think its good for kids to be able to adapt to different things.. teaching them not everyone is the same.. but there are certain things that do need to be agreed on, and thats what foods are a no-no and discipline methods.


just to add, in your poll you have Its constant and no worries about having a falling out I still think you can have a fallling out with childcare too, then if you dont like it, or bubs doesnt, you have to try find a new one. I would never send my kids to one of the childcare centres here after I saw how the after school pickup lady drives with KIDS in the van with her, it was disgusting!

Plus added that my kids hated daycare, but had no problems with attending school

[bec79]

Kat I was in your exact situation this time last year...although I was only returning to uni 3 days a week.
I too, don't have the best relationship with my MIL. We are civil and polite, but thats the extent of things.

I ummed and arred for weeks...I weighed up the pros and cons of each situation and still couldn't come to a decision.
I ended up letting MIL look after her. I had to put my own feeling aside, as she is her nanna, and it is good for them to begin forging a relationship. As much as it annoys me having to go around to MILs place three times a week, and make polite conversation, at least I know she is getting one-on-one care.
Sometimes I wonder if I made the right decision, as when dd goes to my sisters place (who has two boys), she has a ball playing with them.

I will consider a home-care mum when dd gets a bit older, as I feel she is to young yet. One up side has been that we have saved $$ not having to pay for care.

Hope my experience helps with your decision.

I agree with CJJHRA...your MIL needs to be clear about your expectations regarding discipline, food, etc.

Although I have found that even if they do agree, they tend to do what they want, (or rather what they did with their own kids), when you're not there anyway.

:banghead: That really annoys me!!

[blessedmummy]

definately a family member for me!! i dont trust childcare centres these days at all! (well, not the ones here anyhow! yuck!!) my girls go to family day care which there aunty runs and shes the only one i trust, and the girls love it! they go mondays and wednesdays all day, and its great! i love it cause it gives me time out.

[Chicco25]

This is real hard one.

I work with my hubby and MIL in their family business and she watches my kids the 2 days that I work. I have a great relationship with my MIL, but she still chooses not to respect my parenting and my way of bringing up my kids. Her thinking is - "Under my roof, under my rules", which has caused conflict between hubby and myself.

I know my kids are in a safe environment and I have saved money on childcare I have now decided that next year that my daughter is at school full time I will be putting my son in daycare the 2 days that I work.

As they get older they are limited to the stimulation they get with nanna. In daycare there are certain activities which are specified to their age group which is educational and fun - with nanna they wouldn't be getting that.

So, I would be saying daycare - especially if she has already stated that she doesn't respect your parenting.

Hope it all works out

ciao
Anita

[Mamaduke]

Even with my prior 'misunderstandings' with my 'smother in law' I would still choose her to care for my children than strangers who are only there because they're being paid to be.
No one will look after your child like blood/family will.

[Little Gorilla]

I would go MIL....because you cannot trust strangers the same way you can trust a MIL who is related to you.

I had my son in daycare when he was younger for 2 days a week and the other day with MIL - the days he was with MIL, I didn't worry about him in the slightest....yes, she may do things that I didn't agree with ie giving him a bit of food that I didn't want her too or letting him sleep longer than I wanted ....but when he was in daycare I was constantly ringing up to check on him and just couldn't focus 100% on my job those 2 days.


No one will look after your child like blood/family will.

Exactly :thumbsup:

[Gruffalo]

I would definatley go MIL (even though she sometimes drives me bonkers). When I returned to work fulltime my son would of went to her accept I'm in Perth and she's in the country. So he went to daycare fulltime. It got very expensive hence why I'm back at home now fulltime. Its great for interaction with other kids but you know they will get that for years and years and years once they start school and they are only little and its nice for them to build relationships with family while they are young. Kids have accidents no matter where you leave them and the daycare Jordan went to was excellent accept for the lack of communication sometimes when he would come home with bite marks or scratches on his face (another story!! :mad: ).
You need to feel confident leaving them with whoever you chose.

[MissSparkle]

I had the same prob awhile ago when I went back to work (now SAHM again tho!) and I chose Family daycare.

MIL is alot older than my parents and doesn't follow DS's routine and feeds him alot of junk Id rather he didnt eat.

At family daycare there is only 4kids and DS gets lots of attention while being able to interact with other kids.

[Mischief]

Thank you all so much! You have made me feel so much better about Oliver being with MIL.

Marmaduke, you are so right! No one will care for him the same as she will. For all her faults she does love him to distraction.

Keep the stories coming though girls! Its so nice to know I'm not alone!

[SassyMummy]

I've heard some of DP's "childhood" stories and MIL is NOTHING like my "perfect little housewife" mother.

DP's mother drinks beer and tea all day long, and hten downs a bottle of cheap pink wine at night.

DP has seen her having sex with numerous men over hte years...a lot of which (he says) he'd never seen before, and never saw again.

DP's mother isn't NEARLY a domestic tpye...she doesn't clean, she sleeps in late (the boys had to organise EVERYTHING for themselves as youngens...) and she is a bit smothering affection-wise.

I don't think she's a bad person, but I don't think she's the best carer for DD. She's just not "stable."

I'd also rather pay a professional than MIL...just because MIL would probably like to "have a say" in what happens with DD...and I'd rather not be in that situation.

[misskittyfantastico]

My MIL and I are not best friends. I do however leave DD with her when I need to. I'm sure she doesn't follow my instructions! but I know she loves Millie to absolute pieces....and ultimately that's most important to me.

[RedPanda]

Your MIL is free and will most likely take great care of little Oliver. Like you said, she does love him to bits. Any issues that arise, you can deal with there and then. She may not follow your routine 100%, but provided you don't differ on the really major things, you should be right!

I've already found things that MIL and I don't agree on, but thankfully, she seems pretty respectful of my decisions (even though I get the very clear impression that she thinks I'm pedantic).

[Mamaduke]

There's a few members saying that the biggest problem with using family is that they may not necessarily stick to your routine/rules.
Do anyone honestly think that the happy fresh faces greeting you at the childcare centre stay that way all day?
I mean, I know a woman who resigned from working at a childcare centre because the owner would turn the heaters off (regardless of the season) as soon as all of the parents left for the day and then turn them on 1/2 an hour before the first one arrived for pick up to save on costs but still look good!!!
There is no way that would happen with family.

[Little Gorilla]

I agree mamaduke.

The thing with family (especially nanna's) is that they will indulge the child more than ever neglecting them.

I doubt you could say that about childcare centres.

[ButterflyMama]

I think it all depends on how comfortable you feel because in the end, that's what it comes down to.

If it were me with my MIL, I would go with her over daycare in a heartbeat. But everyone is different, follow your gut instinct I say.

Jessie

[Merlion]

i couldnt leave jake with my MIL, she doesnt know wats she is doing for a start, she doesnt let jake sit on the floor she has to hold him the whole time, he can only have soft rubber books to play with......and becoz she critises my parentign i coudlnt do it. i would rather put ds into childcare or find a friend to babysit him

my mother is bit like that. it drives me bonkers. jess is not allowed to sit on the floor (tiled) as she might get sick, she's not allowed to go out in the garden without being in a stroller (jess hates the stroller and only tolerates it for about 2 mins). My parents house is immaculate and I do mean immaculate you could literally eat off the floor. She has extremely breakable stuff at toddler height (actually knee height to adults so basically toddler height) and tells jess off for playing with them no matter how many times i tell her to not put breakables at jess height. oh yeah she thinks jess should only eat food thats home cooked not store bought ie chicken nuggets (on very rare occasions i give her them)

while my MIL is great. As long as Jess is not eating the dogs food, drinking the dog water she's allowed anywhere and where she's not allowed the doors are closed off. they live on a semi-rural property so jess is not allowed outdoors on her own but if we go out to feed the horses or walk around the paddocks she is allowed to walk on her own. We make sure the dog door is locked to so Jess can't crawl through outside.

If I had a choice between my mum, MIL or daycare? It would be daycare first, MIL 2nd and my mum last. My poor baby would be so exhausted if she was looked after by mum. Jess has a habit of crying in her sleep (meaning she's asleep but has scary dreams) and my mother will run and pick her up.

[mum2bubba]

Well if it was MY choice I'd put her in daycare only becuase my MIL works and shes not very grandmotherly iykwim. But this is YOUR choice, I would go with maybe both, if you get along with your MIL then put your bubba in a daycare maybe some of the time and with your MIL the other times so that she can get a break. Hope that makes sense.

[Rhoxie]

My MIL can't be trusted to behave responsibly.
She has been given many chances in the past and blown it countless times.
My MIL has a mental illness that is currently treated and managed well but she often deludes her self that she is 'better' or has something different. We've lived through years of her ups and downs and as much as I think she is going good at the moment I still don't trust her with the care of my children.

So out of a choice between daycare and MIL then daycare wins :)
That said, after several previous bad experiences with daycare I now actually pay a pure gem of a lady to mind my precious little munchkins.

[MummyCharmzy]

Under 3 years MIL over 3yrs daycare/kindy

:)

My mil is great and gives the kids so much attention its brilliant. If I needed someone to mind them for me while I worked and the choice was daycare or her, she'd win hands down. No way would I chose strangers over her!

[EskimoMumma]

I would choose daycare, simply because i know without a doubt, MIL wouldn't listen to how i would want things done in terms of what to give my child and how to handle a situation.

[Tam-I-Am]

For a little tacker Ollie's age? MIL - undoubtedly.

I don't necessarily always get along well with my MIL. She's intrusive, and clingy, and downright annoying sometimes. I'm sure she doesn't do all the things that I'd ask her to do with Claire. I know that she's a twit and can be sooooo blonde (excuse me, all blonde people!!) that sometimes I wonder how she managed to survive life thus far (I mean.....Didn't Darwin have a theory about the survival of the fittest?!)

But I know without a doubt -
1) She loves Claire more than anyone except me and DH - and of course, Claire's other close relatives - but certainly more than a childcare worker!
2) She would NEVER let Claire come to any harm
3) Claire adores her nanna!
4) MIL will come here and babysit - no getting Claire out of bed earlier in the morning than she's ready, no trying ot get her to sleep somewhere strange, no catching nasty bugs from sick kids at childcare
5) Its the best option - for us.

[Mischief]

I feel so much better, thank you! I just cant put it into words, how upset and concerned I was.

But the thing is, even if MIL does let us down some times, I guess it wont be to bad if I have to take Oliver to mums once in a while, and mum would even come up if it was only occasionally.

The points are so valid, she will love Ollie more than the people at daycare who have 4 children each to tend too. She might not stick to my rules and routine 100% but I guess there is no garentee that daycare are either, even if they tell me they are. All the babies sleep in one room, so if one wakes up the others probably will too, so he would possibly get more sleep at Grandma's than at Daycare, even if she doesnt follow to the letter.

And another thing is that I can leave all his stuff at Grandmas, he will have his own room that we can set up with some toys, and everything. All I'll need to do is send along food and formula for him. Plus Grandma will use cloth nappies and hopefully wash them there for him.....

I'm feeling so much better about it now. The past few days I havent been sleeping well, have been feeling really ill and worried.

Yep, definately once Oliver is older, daycare for at least a couple of days a week so he gets used to being away from us.

[our little treasures]

I would much rather leave dd or ds with MIL than childcare although I parent way different to what she has done I still think that MIL would be the better option.. I don't have anyone watching my children but on the odd occassion she has watched them, I wasn't too worried. I have taught my dd to be a dobber so anything that is said or done is repeated to mummy!!!

I have a friend whose child was in a family daycare at a ladies house thoroughly reccomended and the daughter was molested by the sons of the lady 12 and 8 I think from memory!! No way is my dd or ds being in an enviroment like that!!

[~mia&ryan~]

Definately MIL or some other family member for me.:thumbsup: Have just heard far too many bad stories about childcare. Plus DD loves her grandma and grandpa (DF's parents).

[Areca]

There was no option for neither. My MIL is a chain smoker so she's out straight away. Oh yeah, and there's the fact that she gave DP the keys to the house when he was 6 and never asked him where he was gonig or what he was doing because it wasn't up to her to interfere with his life. He tells me lots of stories of playing in the street after dark, going to the movies with his friends on his own (at 6!) etc. etc. Now DD isn't 6 but I don't trust her to look after DD properly. She also lives with BIL who told us we were wasting our time put a baby gate in the kitchen cause once they touch the hot oven once they never touch it again (this is how his DD learnt!) :eek:

Too many bad daycare stories....I'm not comfortable with either option...hence why I've told a woman that wants me to do a bit of work for her that I will only work when my dad is off work because I have no one else to look after DD (my dad does shift work, every one else has M-F jobs)

[catalicious]

Unfortunately most daycare centers down here prefer if you use them at least 2 days per week. :(

I know MIL doesnt respect my decisions as a parent. Including having DS on a routine. But she has told Steven she will follow our routine, ect. So I really hope it works out.

I still feel so nervous and worry that she will fall out with us over something and I will be stuck for care.


HI well in answer to your question first I would go Day care, not based on my mil just because I feel they learn more and most parents put off putting their child into a social environment in which there children suffer later on communicating with people.



But anyway a friend of mine (who is a very older friend), Is a MIL and a Nanny, and her son convinced his wife that she should mind their son (who was 4 months at the time) while she went back to work.

Anyways, she swore she would follow their routine and stuff, but she doesnt she strays so far from it it isnt funny. She has a great relationship with the DIL so its not about that, its just she said thats not the way things where done when she raised her kids.

At least at Day care they do follow your routine.

JMO

[pookiesossige]

If I were you, since reading your OP and following posts, I'd start off with MIL with O still so young, but with plently of good, open communication about what's going on- what he's eating, when he's sleeping, what he's doing in his play times -and I'd also have some suggestions and guidlines written out to stick on you MIL's fridge.

I'd let her know (lovingly) that if it 'gets a bit too hard' for her to do what's important to you and follow at least a bit of a routine, that you can find a spot in childcare for him.

If she repeatedly lets you down- ie feeds him junk all day long, exposes him to potentially dangerous situations etc- then go with the childcare option without hesitation. But it sounds like she has a lot of love for him, which is wonderful and why I feel that she should be your first choice over daycare.

Good luck!! :hugs:

[babylover111]

For me I wouldnt even be considering daycare. Yes your MIL might not do exactly as you say but think about what your biggest concern is with her that she wouldnt feed him food you find him appropriate? Then maybe pack him a lunchbox.

I agree that daycare is good for social reasons but also feel very strongly that if a child is in daycare from a very young age they have trouble communicating with others that arent at daycare. I experienced this with kids i pick up from daycare in the afternoon. When I first started looking after them it honestly took them two weeks to open up to me, we used to travel home from daycare in a completely silent car and I would try and talk and get no response. Now they've warmed up to me and are very loud and happy kids but still in the park they cant talk to kids their own age because they're not familiar with them. Even if there are kids at the park that are their age they wont talk to me. Also when we stop off at the supermarket on the way home they get all confused and frightened because they're not used to being around so many people. Now i knwo this is only one situation but for me it has really opened my eyes to how much they need social interaction OUTSIDE daycare and also that they need to be in normal environments.

Also the whole sickness thing from daycare, I honestly cant remember a day that I have seen them without a cough. Its either a cough or a running nose and I have been called on countless occasions to pick them up in the middle of the day due to sickness.

IMO one on one care can never compare to childcare.

[Hokey Pokey]

Childcare.
The interaction for him will be great! He will make friends, learn lots of social skills and much more!
You don't have to worry about MIL taking over and having arguments etc.
And especially cos it is only 2 days a week!

[~mia&ryan~]

For me I wouldnt even be considering daycare. Yes your MIL might not do exactly as you say but think about what your biggest concern is with her that she wouldnt feed him food you find him appropriate? Then maybe pack him a lunchbox.

I agree that daycare is good for social reasons but also feel very strongly that if a child is in daycare from a very young age they have trouble communicating with others that arent at daycare. I experienced this with kids i pick up from daycare in the afternoon. When I first started looking after them it honestly took them two weeks to open up to me, we used to travel home from daycare in a completely silent car and I would try and talk and get no response. Now they've warmed up to me and are very loud and happy kids but still in the park they cant talk to kids their own age because they're not familiar with them. Even if there are kids at the park that are their age they wont talk to me. Also when we stop off at the supermarket on the way home they get all confused and frightened because they're not used to being around so many people. Now i knwo this is only one situation but for me it has really opened my eyes to how much they need social interaction OUTSIDE daycare and also that they need to be in normal environments.

Also the whole sickness thing from daycare, I honestly cant remember a day that I have seen them without a cough. Its either a cough or a running nose and I have been called on countless occasions to pick them up in the middle of the day due to sickness.

IMO one on one care can never compare to childcare.

I'm with you!:yes:

[Mischief]

MIL it is. :) I am writing a BIBLE for her though! LOL And if she doesnt work out I'll put Oliver in day care. But I'm hoping things work out!

[FourAngelKisses]

Definately daycare!!! My MIL doesn't know how to change a nappy....either cloth or disposable, doesn't know how to warm up a bottle, doesn't know if the leftover formula should be thrown out or not..............and she had 3 kids of her own!!!!

[rynosmum]

I'm coming in very late to this but just wanted to share some things with you.

My DS is looked after by my MIL in our home 2 days per week and has 3 short days of daycare per week as my DH and I both work full-time. There are pros and cons to both options.

With my MIL, my son gets to share special time with his Nanna and gets individual attention plus gets to stay in our own home with familiar surroundings and my piece of mind that he is home and safe. I was pretty strict about his routine and feeding early on and would get quite upset if my MIL deviated from it. It took me a while to learn that just because MIL does things differently to me, it doesn't mean that she is wrong. They adore each other and get so much joy out of being together - that is so very important.

Daycare has been great as well for learning and interaction. My DS was a huge talker early on and his daycare build programs to build their confidence, counting, sharing and discipline skills. He gets to play with different toys and dance to music with his friends with different opportunities than I could give him at home - he loves it.

My sister is a SAHM and was very adamant that I was doing the wrong thing by returning to work. She took me aside on the weekend and told me that she apologised. Any doubts she had about childcare or MIL-care had been removed. We have a happy, well-balanced little boy who can communicate effectively and politely with everyone. :)

I don't know what the right answer is but you need to give your chosen option a good shot. You will need all of the strength you can muster though. Leaving your bubba with anyone is always tough at first.:hugs:

[*~alegna~*]

I would love for my DS to be able to stay at home & some one come & look after him, rather than Daycare. However, MIL is not available :rolleyes: & My ma lives in SYd, No one else to fill the position.

+ It would save me a hell of alot of money. Sometimes though you just gotta do things you don't want to do, unfortunately, thats the situation I am in...As of Jan 07 my Ds will have to go to DC 4-5 days p/w:crying: