View Full Version : Acceptance
Green Mum to be
It looks like i've turned a corner in the rollercoaster of emotions that are IVF.
I thought about not having children and i didn't burst into uncontrollable tears. In fact thinking about it over the last 24 hours there is even a feeling of acceptance - heavy hearted, uncomfortable yet acceptance all the same.
It's really nice to feel that the world isn't going to end if i don't make it through this journey.
I have never really considered anything other than fighting tooth and nail until there were no other options and then becomming a cynical b**** at the end of it.
Even if this only lasts a day, I'm happy that i got to feel it.
I was sharing because i wanted to know if there is anyone else out there with anything similar to share?
Just wanted to say good luck on your journey wherever it takes you, you sound like a very strong person.
Hi Acceptance, I think I know where you are at, I too have had the journey from hell & it is all over as of January with the failure from a overseas donor cycle.
I am really struggling as the end is because my DH does not want this anymore, so it is thrust upon me, but I wanted you to know you are not alone.
Hi ya Greenmum :wave:
Your post is timely, as funnily enough these have been my feelings lately also. While (like you) I certainly haven't given up the fight yet, recently for the first time ever I have been able to have fleeting moments of feeling that all will be ok if we never have a baby of our own.
Previously this thought only filled me with fear, but for brief moments I can see our lives still being wonderful and fullfilled with our little family of 2 :valentine: and it has been quite liberating.
Pearl, I had been following your SA journey and I'm so sorry to hear about the BFN and that you are coming to terms with what this will mean :hugs:
After we pulled the pin on IVF, adoption, etc. we felt drained almost to the point of being totally emotionless. The world ignored us and kept going. Slowly we kept going and came back to life. Recently I rewatched the movie "Cast Away" with Tom Hanks. There is a part right at the end of the movie where he talks about how he felt on the island. I think we all get to feel like that.
One cautionary point though. With us, we kept going by burying ourselves in work and trying to avoid anything too "babyish". We recently realised that this meant we lost track of a lot of very good friends. We are currently trying very hard to track these friends down, not always successfully or in time. Do yourself a favour and make sure you do not lose touch with your friends, they can be your best safety-net/support network.
There are some very wise and helpful words here.
Thank you, all of you. Hugs to OP.
Hi Green Mum. This post is a few months old so I hope you are still connected.
I totally agree with your feelings and I get every bit of it.
We have been ttc for only 14 mths and are already talking about stopping. At first it was devastating but now I realise how accepting I am of it. We never wanted to take the ivf road and are about to try round 3 of clomid. I am doing everything I should but nothing is happening.
Time is not on our side and we entered this journey with the if it happens it happens mindset. I always knew that I would not have kids easily if not at all. I heard my female family members talk about their cycles and mine were never like theirs. I just had a gut feeling and lived my life saying I never want kids. When I met my husband I started thinking differently so we decided to have a go.
I am growing tired of the waiting and the obsessing and I yearn for the days we spoke about other things in life.
I can truly see if we remain childless that life will still be good to us and can accept our fate.
It is a nice position to be in for us and we are so glad we have each other.
I hope you are still ok and have alot of hobbies and friends to keep you busy.
Hugs to everyone.
Hi to you anyone still reading this thread.
DH & I have reached this point too. We decided at the beginning of the year that we'd do one last round of ivf. When we went for check up with FS we had a 23mm follie waiting, so did iui and fell preg, followed by 3rd mc at about 8wks. We decided that was it - no more - but obs convinced us we just needed more support drugs to support the pregnancy... so after a few mths break we did our last ivf (currently in 2ww after 2ET, no frosties)... I can't believe I did a whole cycle (our 11th) without emotion nor hope... and still talk about how we're obviously not having kids now.
We've both come to accept that this is it for us, however difficult and heartbreaking it still is and prob always will be. I find it very hard to catch up with friends with babies (2 new babies in the past month and both are 2nd children since we've been ttc) but lucky that our friends are sensitive and understanding. We haven't told anyone (apart from immediate family) about this last cycle - just told them that 3yrs ttc and 3mc and 11cycles is enough - we're giving up.
All in all if this cycle does work it's a miracle and would be a heavenly surprise but deep down I'm bracing for a 4th mc.:(
I hope you all find the strength and happiness to move on when your time comes.:goodvibes:
We're planning lots of lovely holidays - including a white xmas in Canada next year.:yes:
Hi lilwish. I am sorry you have had such a long and hard journey!
I am still reading this thread as I am in the in between space of wondering when enough is enough and we have only been ttc for 15months. I couldn't imagine how heartbreaking it must be to be ttc for so darn long.
I am very much accepting that I may never fall preg and am getting better with the idea.
I have friends that have never had kids and they have a wonderful life so I am inspired that everything will be ok if we remain childless. Some days are harder than others.
It is good to get things off your chest and vent about it all.
Thanks for your words of support. Unfortunately I POAS and got bfn, so that's the end of our journey now... no babies for us.
Official test is on Mon but would be an absolute miracle so not fooling myself there. AF still hasn't shown so no idea where she's hiding.
I've been telling myself that if my body has decided I'm not going to have a baby it's better to have bfn than 4th mc.... so I guess it's just the way it has to be. Haven't cried about it - just feel flat and resigned I guess. DH too. Well at least we know we did what we could... certainly can't say we didn't try enough!
Good luck with your journey. I sincerely hope it's shorter and better than ours. Anyone going thru this deserves to have a happy healthy bub, as I think it would be even more appreciated and loved (if that's possible). My thoughts are with you :babydust1:
I am sorry to hear that little wish.
Having some wonderful holidays planned must help.
It is so hard to want something and it doesn't come your way and to do everything you possibly can yet still not have any luck. I believe being a mother can take so many forms and the women that is more like my mother in my life is actually not my biological mother. A little different I know to really having the experience but this belief keeps me going. Just to realise I can have a positive influence on someone's life is the fuel for me.
After this cycle DH and I will stop all the meds and scans and take some time off and look at our options and seriously make a decision. Sometimes I just wish we had more time....but I also realise this is the path our life has taken and can't change it.
I think I am starting to hit this point also, I have days where I am quite content with being childless and think we can still be happy but at other times wonder if I will regret giving up, I'm at a point where I don't think I can handle anymore ivf, and heartache. Time to move on and que sera sera!
They have found no reason why we shouldn't concieve so maybe one day we will be blessed
Sorry you've had to come to this stage too...
It's just not fair.
I hope you do have that little blessing some day, but if not, I hope you find life is still fulfilling enough without.
Making this decision is tough, but if you're like me, you'll probably feel quite relieved to not be 'on hold' anymore and free to live each day as it comes.
I still get pangs of sadness now & then (that may never change), but I've started to accept it all a bit more and it's probably not the end of the world afterall... we have a good life together, and there are actually some benefits of not having kids (eg sleepins and lazy weekends, weekend getaways, more money to spend on ourselves and on holidays, etc). sometimes I feel freer than my friend with kids.
We just need to make more 'childless couple' friends...
All the best - I hope it all works out well for you.
Thanks lilwish, I think that's what scares me most, is that I'm actually enjoying being childless,I have had to find other things to occupy my self an starting to enjoy them I couldn't do it with kids, I see my friends with their kids and the stresses etc not being able to do what ever, I know it will always hurt but yeah it's time to move on, life does feel like its on hold and it sucks it's like you can't plan anything just incase. You feel stuck unable to move on :(
I feel the same as moomechanic. I also have let go of the possibility and enjoying my child free life. A work colleague came back from a beautiful weekend on a nearby island and raved about it. DH and I will pop over ourselves and enjoy it in a month. Also I have had my first month free of clomid and I am such a calmer happier person. I have my sex drive back again and we only dtd when we feel like it not because we have to. It feels so wonderful to rediscover each other and our lives again. I can't believe how obsessed I was with ttc and missing out on life experiences - all the hope and disappointments.
I am really accepting our fate and when experiencing what that means for us I am not devastated.
A question to you ladies, if adoption was a possibility would you explore it?
I've looked alot into adoption and fostering but think maybe I would just be setting myself up for more heartache, adoption is such a hard process these days and no guarantees :(
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