Bennjamin (Benn) my lil prem bub

[Patch]

Pretty much my waters broke at just under 32weeks with Bennjamin (Benn). He is my fourth child (Blair 10 born at 42weeks, Aleeya 8 born at 41weeks and Lillyanna 10mths born at 37 weeks). I was in hospital a few weeks earlier with suspected waters broken but turns out it wasnt so came home n complete bed rest, I couldnt even lift y 10mth old without wnding up in huge painful contractions. His heart rate started dropping and I ended up getting an infection so they bought my labour on at exactly 32weeks and I had him at 7.29pm on the 31st jan 2012. We had a quick 2min hug before he was whisked off to the nursery where they work out where he goes from there and then had to go on a breathing machine overnight. He was moved to NICU where he stayed until the saturday (4 days old), he was jaundice and put on antibodics as wel as the phototherapy. It wasnt until he was about 2 days old we got out first hold of him. He now is in SCBU one which is the next stage up from NICU but of course hes still at the WCH and Im at home 4 hours away from my newborn baby.
You hear of people having prem babies or you know people that do and you think hh that must be so hard but you never realsie just how hard it is until you have been there. I know Ive had it relatively easy with his health but im still a wreck.
I have 3 other kids and one has ADHD and everyone always says to me how do you cope there is no way I could and I just used to say well **** happens and you learn to deal with it but Im getting to the stage now where I feel like I cant, I feel like Im in lala land in a bad nightmare...
I don't think anyone really wants to know how I am, the questions how are you and if u want me to do anything let me know I'm hearing non stop but how do I say I Want u to stop asking how I am and just help me and not have to say it out loud. I'm emotionally drained and had enough, I was in mixed emotions at the hospital I want I wanted to be there but at the same time I didn't, I hated feeling useless just sitting there not being able to do anything for him, but also didn't want to leave, kept crying all the time and even had to walk out at one point.

I am scared that im not going to bond with him or love him like I should, atm I feel like a milking machine thats miling herself for someone elses baby, I sit with him and hold him and when Im there it is good but in another way I feel like hes not mine, your meant to be able to have a baby, and take it home and the whole leaving the baby at the hospital just feels so weird to me and I feel like in a way hes not mine and Im visiting some other baby and then when I hold him and feel like that I feel like a terrible mum. I do love him and I do want to hold him etc but I feel so lost and confused. All I want is to bring him home and I know I cant. I feel like I need him at home and if hes not at home Im not looking after and protecting him, I know he should be at the hospital and keep hearing how its the best place for him etc but I need him at home so bad. I need to know hes mine and I can hug him and hold him whenever I want and put him to bed in our house where he belongs. At hospital I feel almost like Im having supervised visits as the nurses are always there and listening and watching. I want to bring him home to our home where its private and I dont feel like Im always being watched, I ant to be able to feed him without feeling like a walking milking machine zombie.

Everyone thinks their hepling by asking how I am but I dont want to talk about it, I want to stay in bed and hide until he comes home. I dont want to go to hospital but I do. I dont want him anywhere but home I want to feel like I love him and hes mine. I want to feel like I can hold him without someone watching me. I just want to be able to FEEL anything. I feel so numb hurt and confused. I know Im not coping and i know I have other kids to look afterand stuff, yet I feel nothing, I feel like a part of me has died at the moment and even feel like in a way my son died as I dont have him here, where he belongs, with us. I dont think I can do this.

My husbnd wants me to go back to the doctor about my antidepressants Im on (for prenatal and postanal depression) but I dont want to have to say to a doc how im feeling so they can drug me more so i can feel like i love my son. I want to love him with no extra drugs. I just want him home.

[misskittyfantastico]

Huge congratulations on the birth of your precious little Benn.

I had my third bub, a little boy, 3.5months ago at 31+5 weeks. My heart really goes out to you and I totally empathise, it was the hardest journey that I've ever gone through. It was like I was existing on an entirely different plane - I felt so alone.

My little one is home with us now, he's chubby and happy and Benn will make it home to you too. You really have to try and look after yourself, I know you don't want to, you probably want to crawl into a cave and stay there, but you are the single most important person to Benn. I know it feels like all these strangers are doing your job, but even though they're caring for him - they aren't you! He needs his mum to be kind to herself.

I just read a quote that said "The single most difficult thing to say is HELP ME" and you've said it, maybe not to those in your life, but you've said it here. You know that you're struggling and that tells me you're strong and brave. Please feel free to pm me anytime xxx

[nat11]

Hi Patch. Congratulations on the birth of Benn! I had a premmie at 34 weeks and can absolutely relate to those feelings. It's completely normal to feel the way you do but it's also important to seek help when you need it. My DS is now 10 months and I'm only just starting to properly deal with my emotions now that I'm looking into TTC baby #2 because it's all just flooding back up.

I also really struggled with feeling that I was just on "supervised visits" and they could take him away at any moment. I met another premmie mum IRL and she said that after her first prem (she had 3) she demanded that she be the one to care for the baby as much as possible to avoid that feeling. She took his temp, did his tube feeds, breastfed when he cried on demand (hospitals HATE this but she didn't care), changed his nappy and was there for every single pead round and questioned them if she didn't feel comfortable with what they were saying. Doing this may help you feel more in control. I know I was way too emotional to argue with anyone in the NICU and I really think they had the best of intentsions for my bubba but if I have another I will try to be more involved.

As far as bonding goes, you'll get there. It took me a little longer but now my 10 month old and I are as close as we could be.

I hope you're feeling a little better and looking after yourself as well as bubba. Best wishes!

Nat

[BaronessM]

Hi patch, was just thinking of starting a thread for us milking machines. Am pumping with one hand, holding a bottle under the other dripping boob with my forearm and one handed typing.

That sucks being so far away from the hospital. I was the kind of mum Nat11 talks of above, who did all the cares in hospital but I was lucky, as they did encourage this. Even wrote his charts up myself in the end, and seven months on, we still keep the charts as they are handy to refer to when baby brain gets you.

We left a book by bub's bedside in hospital for the nurses to write in, messages when we weren't there and milestones. I tear up reading it even now, some of the lovely things the nurses wrote. A good keepsake and maybe this would help you, being so far away from hosp. I felt awful at the start as I didn't get that first cuddle, and I kept wondering who's eyes he'd looked into first and which nurse would he bond with or imprint as I didn't get a hug for 12hrs, didn't seee him for 4hrs after the birth.

Turns out he's just as bonded now as I'd hoped~ has spent the last 3days mummummuming, driving his daddy bananas, I suspect!

I truly hope things get easier for you~ more later, must get back to pump the other boob, and I'll start a thread in here when I'm done.

Good luck to you, congrats on the birth of your baby, BaronessM